What should I do? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#1
I want to give some backstory to this. I was in a four year relationship with my first boyfriend. It was very nice at the beginning but the last three years it was very abusive physically and mentally. It got very bad, I ended up going to the clinic for my wounds and I ended up fight with him in school. I ended the relationship and it was very painful for me because I loved him. It has been 2 years since then, and I am in a new relationship. My boyfriend loves me, treats me very well and he's very understanding of my past. Though he is everything I've wanted, he only smokes weed and doesn't work. We're both 20 and I'm in uni, and I work. My friends and family a worried and not very on board with our relationship. They say he's not worth it and that there is no future there for me. I would be holding up the household while he smokes away. My mother told me she feels that my self esteem is very low, and I'm settling for anything, because I may feel like no one else will love me and treat me like my current bf does. I am worried about my future but I do really love my boyfriend and he's amazing. I'm unsure of what to do as my family is pressuring me to leave him.
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hello_shawn
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#2
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If you love your boyfriend you'd send him into rehab right away. He can get jailed for doing drugs, remember?
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Dunnig Kruger
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It's great that you are an affectionate person. And that you had the wisdom and courage to escape from an abusive relationship. Please don't change those aspects of your personality.

Your boyfriend might be amazing. Amazingly lazy, unambitious, unmotivated, self-destructive, incompatible with you when it comes to money and finances? That's assuming he really does only smoke weed and doesn't work. This might therefore be a gross over-simplification of the situation. Is he doing a degree, or is he just unemployed and doing nothing with his life?

How has been doing at his studies, if he's a student?

In my first year at uni, I was smoking a fair amount of weed. There was a clean cut fellow student on my course who told a young woman I'd been courting "Oh, DK? He's just a druggie!" I passed my first year at uni. He didn't. That gave me a great deal of satisfaction.
BTW these days I have no interest in any drugs, including cannabis. It's something I've grown out of.

What you should do, all depends. On whether your boyfriend is a lazy good for nothing. Or whether he's just enjoying his abundant leisure time as a student. If or when he graduates would he step up to the plate and get working in his chosen field?

If you're working, does he cook for you? Is there a meal ready for you when you get home?

One thing to remember is that there are a lot more men in this world than horrible, evil, bullying, abusive boyfriend Number 1 and dope smoking boyfriend Number 2.

Also love is great, but it's not enough for a successful long term relationship. You also need compatability in a few important areas in life, including attitude to money and finances.

The advice of your family may well be correct. Or they may just be overly prejudiced against cannabis users. Or it could be a bit of both.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
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He's not a student or doing any sort of studies, and he literally does not work. His father takes care of him and he lives with his dad. Usually when we go out, I pay or his father will give him money and he'll pay. He does not have a car, so I drive him around. But I really love him and he's so kind and loving with me. He likes to spend time with my family and having cookouts with us. He understands me and I feel secure with him. I would like him to be more ambitious or at least more motivated to do something but he's not. He is quite a heavy cannabis smoker, I myself don't really smoke but I have partaken more now that I'm with him.
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
It's great that you are an affectionate person. And that you had the wisdom and courage to escape from an abusive relationship. Please don't change those aspects of your personality.

Your boyfriend might be amazing. Amazingly lazy, unambitious, unmotivated, self-destructive, incompatible with you when it comes to money and finances? That's assuming he really does only smoke weed and doesn't work. This might therefore be a gross over-simplification of the situation. Is he doing a degree, or is he just unemployed and doing nothing with his life?

How has been doing at his studies, if he's a student?

In my first year at uni, I was smoking a fair amount of weed. There was a clean cut fellow student on my course who told a young woman I'd been courting "Oh, DK? He's just a druggie!" I passed my first year at uni. He didn't. That gave me a great deal of satisfaction.
BTW these days I have no interest in any drugs, including cannabis. It's something I've grown out of.

What you should do, all depends. On whether your boyfriend is a lazy good for nothing. Or whether he's just enjoying his abundant leisure time as a student. If or when he graduates would he step up to the plate and get working in his chosen field?

If you're working, does he cook for you? Is there a meal ready for you when you get home?

One thing to remember is that there are a lot more men in this world than horrible, evil, bullying, abusive boyfriend Number 1 and dope smoking boyfriend Number 2.

Also love is great, but it's not enough for a successful long term relationship. You also need compatability in a few important areas in life, including attitude to money and finances.

The advice of your family may well be correct. Or they may just be overly prejudiced against cannabis users. Or it could be a bit of both.
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
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I don't know if that's the best way to go about it. It's rather normal where I'm from to smoke weed. I don't want to force him to change himself.
(Original post by hello_shawn)
If you love your boyfriend you'd send him into rehab right away. He can get jailed for doing drugs, remember?
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Anonymous #2
#6
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tell him how you feel
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't know if that's the best way to go about it. It's rather normal where I'm from to smoke weed. I don't want to force him to change himself.
i smoke it, so does my boyfriend, so do my brothers. it doesnt make someone a bad person. however, the issue is do you really want to be in a relationship even a potential marriage where you will be carrying it. one day you will get fed up with the behavior. people can change but you should express that he needs to sort himself out. nowadays you cant be with someone just for love. you loved your ex and you guys couldnt be together because it was a toxic relationship. you love this guy but is that enough?
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 8 months ago
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That's the toughest question, but I do see your perspective. I want to give him a chance to become the person I feel he can become though, I don't know for how long but I want to at least give him that before I make a drastic move.
(Original post by Anonymous)
i smoke it, so does my boyfriend, so do my brothers. it doesnt make someone a bad person. however, the issue is do you really want to be in a relationship even a potential marriage where you will be carrying it. one day you will get fed up with the behavior. people can change but you should express that he needs to sort himself out. nowadays you cant be with someone just for love. you loved your ex and you guys couldnt be together because it was a toxic relationship. you love this guy but is that enough?
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Dunnig Kruger
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#9
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Thanks for the additional info. Right now, he's doing nothing with his life. No work. No studying. No self improvement. No major DIY project. No travelling the world. No nothing. Except his dope, his X box and you.

Was he spoilt by his parents when he was younger?

So far he's been kind to you because he's been getting what he wants. A free taxi service, sex on demand, a roof over his head, food, pocket money, weed. What's he like when he's put under a bit of stress? Or have you never seen him under stress yet?
How does he react when your mum tells him to get a job?

If your boyfriend really honestly truly loved you, he'd do a lot more to help you financially.

Does he do all the cooking, washing, ironing, vacuum cleaning, food shopping, washing up? This is the least he should do if you are studying and working. If he's not doing all of those, you should, without doubt, dump this this lazy, work-shy, time-waster.

It's easy for him to say he loves you and to act like he loves you when the going's good for him, when he doesn't actually have to do anything. But, if he's not doing all the household chores then that shows that he loves you for what he can get from you: an easy life. He doesn't love or respect you for the person that you are. Otherwise he'd chip-in as an equal partner in your relationship.

There are men out there who will be just as kind and caring and understanding with you as Mr Weed. They will also be a lot better at earning some money and chipping in with the household expenses. As long as you are with Mr Weed, he will be holding you back from your true destiny.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 8 months ago
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Well he was mainly raised by his father, and he does get quite spoiled by him. Under stress he's quite chill. He tells me that he's still figuring out his next moves and what he really wants to do, but that right now he does not want to force anything, so he's going with the flow. My mum hasn't told him anything yet, she's only told me and other family members. My bf was very honest with my parents about his work situation and that he smokes weed. He does do his own cleaning, at least his clothes yes, I'm not sure about other chores since I don't live with him. He does cook, at least when we have cookouts at my house yes. We usually eat out or we cook together at each other's homes.

That's what my mum says, that he's just cruising without a care in the world because I basically take care of him and he doesn't really have to do much besides love me. I'm going to see how things go since we've only been dating for 4 months. Thank you for your lengthily response.
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Thanks for the additional info. Right now, he's doing nothing with his life. No work. No studying. No self improvement. No major DIY project. No travelling the world. No nothing. Except his dope, his X box and you.

Was he spoilt by his parents when he was younger?

So far he's been kind to you because he's been getting what he wants. A free taxi service, sex on demand, a roof over his head, food, pocket money, weed. What's he like when he's put under a bit of stress? Or have you never seen him under stress yet?
How does he react when your mum tells him to get a job?

If your boyfriend really honestly truly loved you, he'd do a lot more to help you financially.

Does he do all the cooking, washing, ironing, vacuum cleaning, food shopping, washing up? This is the least he should do if you are studying and working. If he's not doing all of those, you should, without doubt, dump this this lazy, work-shy, time-waster.

It's easy for him to say he loves you and to act like he loves you when the going's good for him, when he doesn't actually have to do anything. But, if he's not doing all the household chores then that shows that he loves you for what he can get from you: an easy life. He doesn't love or respect you for the person that you are. Otherwise he'd chip-in as an equal partner in your relationship.

There are men out there who will be just as kind and caring and understanding with you as Mr Weed. They will also be a lot better at earning some money and chipping in with the household expenses. As long as you are with Mr Weed, he will be holding you back from your true destiny.
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