how to build trust in a relationship?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
hi, i dont want to go into too much detail because its super personal, but in april i found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me since the start of our relationship. loads of lies. about loads of things. we got together in dec 2015, so its been over 3 years. we’ve been arguing and having problems since april, and i really do want to make it work. i love him with all my heart. i’ve tried leaving him but he’s adamant that he’ll change and stop lying (which hes admitted is a habit) and he cant live without me, so i decided to stay. i really really love him, but theres no trust left between us. how do i build trust with him again, so i dont have to leave? i really dont want these 3 years to go to waste, because when i think back to it, i was having an amazing time. only now do i realise that it isnt what it seemed. but nevertheless, the memories are there. help please.
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Dunnig Kruger
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#2
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He's lying when he says he'll change.

Habitual liars; it's a habit for life.

People like him are fine to have as an acquaintance. As a romantic partner they are a nightmare.

Your last 3 years haven't been a waste at all. You've been doing other things with your life apart from the stuff with your boyfriend.

You've also been honing your skills at maintaining a relationship. Whilst your boyfriend hasn't. He's been practising his living in La La Walter Mitty Fantasy Land skills. But that's not your fault.

The short term pain of leaving him will be well worth the medium term gain of you being free to find someone with integrity. Someone who is a Ronseal man who does what it says on the tin.

Building trust with him would be like moving Chesil beach 5 metres further out to sea with a teaspoon. As soon as you got anywhere the tide would sweep it all back in. As soon as you built up any trust in him, he'd lie and let you down again.

I don't see why you should take into account his statement that he loves you and can't live without you. He could be lying. And, after the way he's treated you with such a huge lack of respect and maturity, he deserves no consideration from you whatsoever. Right now you should make the decision that's best for you and leave him to stew in his own rancid, lying, juices.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 2 years ago
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
He's lying when he says he'll change.

Habitual liars; it's a habit for life.

People like him are fine to have as an acquaintance. As a romantic partner they are a nightmare.

Your last 3 years haven't been a waste at all. You've been doing other things with your life apart from the stuff with your boyfriend.

You've also been honing your skills at maintaining a relationship. Whilst your boyfriend hasn't. He's been practising his living in La La Walter Mitty Fantasy Land skills. But that's not your fault.

The short term pain of leaving him will be well worth the medium term gain of you being free to find someone with integrity. Someone who is a Ronseal man who does what it says on the tin.

Building trust with him would be like moving Chesil beach 5 metres further out to sea with a teaspoon. As soon as you got anywhere the tide would sweep it all back in. As soon as you built up any trust in him, he'd lie and let you down again.

I don't see why you should take into account his statement that he loves you and can't live without you. He could be lying. And, after the way he's treated you with such a huge lack of respect and maturity, he deserves no consideration from you whatsoever. Right now you should make the decision that's best for you and leave him to stew in his own rancid, lying, juices.
maybe i should add this, those 3 years were amazing. and i mean amazing!! i would never suspect him to do whatever he did, because i never got a chance to focus on anything of that sort. hes always treated me so good, i’ve never had any doubts about him not loving me or anything like that. i believe that the only reason i get those doubts now, is because i know what he was like. hes always, right from the very start, texted me all day everyday, spoken to me so kindly, always been here for me when i’ve had personal problems in my family or whatever, been here for me whenever i lost a friend.
so maybe his lying habits started when he was young, and they just happened to continue while he was with me? do you still stick by what you first said? thank you.
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AsithU
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This definitely depends on what the lies were
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qawsedsee
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Communication is key, ask good quality questions and hear each other out. Commit to each other which things have to change, then have great makeup sex, sex builds trust. This is will only work if you both put your all in, commit to just having a cosey talk every week or so expressing your feelings, followed by sex or something intimate. Spend more quality time together, try it for a month or so and see if things feel any different, if not, leave
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
hi, i dont want to go into too much detail because its super personal, but in april i found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me since the start of our relationship. loads of lies. about loads of things. we got together in dec 2015, so its been over 3 years. we’ve been arguing and having problems since april, and i really do want to make it work. i love him with all my heart. i’ve tried leaving him but he’s adamant that he’ll change and stop lying (which hes admitted is a habit) and he cant live without me, so i decided to stay. i really really love him, but theres no trust left between us. how do i build trust with him again, so i dont have to leave? i really dont want these 3 years to go to waste, because when i think back to it, i was having an amazing time. only now do i realise that it isnt what it seemed. but nevertheless, the memories are there. help please.
I suppose it depends on what the lies were- big lies over infidelity, his job etc are not comparable to small lies so idk. Unless u give us a ballpark as to what the lies were the advice we give is gunna he pretty rubbish. Trust is delicate and there’s different ways from recovering from different lies
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Anonymous #3
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Do yourself a favour and leave, before you waste any more time or even worse end up pregnant by him
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Dunnig Kruger
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Can you give us a few examples of things he's lied about?
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UWS
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If it's been 3 years and he still hasn't changed, there really isn't much hope for this relationship.
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Lauren Galbraith
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(Original post by Anonymous)
hi, i dont want to go into too much detail because its super personal, but in april i found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me since the start of our relationship. loads of lies. about loads of things. we got together in dec 2015, so its been over 3 years. we’ve been arguing and having problems since april, and i really do want to make it work. i love him with all my heart. i’ve tried leaving him but he’s adamant that he’ll change and stop lying (which hes admitted is a habit) and he cant live without me, so i decided to stay. i really really love him, but theres no trust left between us. how do i build trust with him again, so i dont have to leave? i really dont want these 3 years to go to waste, because when i think back to it, i was having an amazing time. only now do i realise that it isnt what it seemed. but nevertheless, the memories are there. help please.
Trust is the crux of a relationship and if theres no trust then it can not work. My boyfriend said the same thing and said he tried to commit suicide when his last girlfriend broke up with him. I basically when into hospital which was a great distance making it easy for me to get out of the relationship. I told him after two months it wasn't working, and he's now fine. Try and distance your self by gradually seeing him less, give him a support network and recommend he talks to Crisis or Samaritans when feeling ill say in a soft place like bed, make sure you introduce him to some guy friends he can talk too as well
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