Living an endless lie for 7 years Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 months ago
#1
Sorry this is so long, it's sort of my life story and I just don't know how to escape this web of lies I've made.
So basically, I was always a perfect goody two shoes golden child, and I was always top of my class, I overworked and strived to keep up a perfect reputation. I ended up getting full marks in my 11+ exam and thought I was going to the school of my dreams.
As you can imagine wannabe teachers’ pet didn't go down too well with my new peer group and outside my primary friendship group, I realised that being the first to answer every question wasn't as cool as I thought if you get me.
I started lying when my classmates started getting into relationships and drinking etc when we were about 12/13. I didn't really want to partake, and I'd never be invited even if I had, but truthfully, I knew it was wrong and damaging so I never actually wanted to go out late and get drunk in a park. I would lie about all the cooler people I was hanging out with and all the drugs they were doing and always hinted that I partook without explicitly saying so. The rumour mill obviously went mad and I found that soon the whole school 'knew' I was a secret rebel. That would have been the perfect time to stop, own up and just move on with m life. instead I made even more convoluted lies and kept needles that were literally for her dog’s injections in my locker, collected all my pocket money in my locker as people were asking how I could afford to drink and do drugs so often. I had at this point never had a sip of alcohol in my life but I could tell my lies were weakening and I made the decision to steal my dad’s wine and drink a little before school so I would smell of it and people would believe I had been out drinking the night before. Long story short I didn't realise how easy it is to get drunk and my friends noticed and given all my other lies, told my school they were worried about me. The deputy head searched my bag and locker and found loads of cash, needles and sharps (I there was a lot going on at home and the stress of living 2 lives was becoming too much and I had begun to self-harm at that point) I ended up being suspended and my parents were told everything and they obviously didn't believe I would go to such great lengths to lie. I think that’s when my actual mental health issues began to really surface as I locked myself in a room and set in on fire at 14, I refused to speak to the police when they arrived, and I spent a night in a cell. That only fuelled the 'gone off the tracks' rumours and for the first time, the cool girl appearance I had initially tried to make actually happened. I think at this point I weirdly started to believe I was who I had pretended to be, and my attitude and behaviour reflected that.
I ended up getting in a lot of trouble and just a big mess when a friend who was actually worried about me showed school my bbm history with her ( it really was 2014) and all my fake drunk and high texts came out, all the lies about what I was taking and what I was doing with all these fake guys came out and I couldn't cope with the backlash. I left my school and my parents agreed as they felt it was a bad influence on me and moved to my parents’ home country to stay with family. This is when my lies SHOULD have stopped. It was the perfect fresh start. Instead away from my family, in a highly conservative country with an accent that was almost worshiped (never understood why eastern countries admire the uk so much) my peers loved hearing about how different and free the uk is and I began to share the outrageous life stories I had made up whilst back in my old school in my new school. I made myself into this cheap slutty British party girl. I became wildly popular and was the cool girl I had always wanted to be once more. I would flirt with all the boys, even though I had a boyfriend for the first time. This ended up with me being coerced to going to the boy’s bathroom with an older guy in my school. I was by no means forced but I think I almost felt like I had to live up to the image I had created. That ended up being both my first kiss and my first time and, in all honesty, I really never liked the guy. We ended up being caught when another guy came into the bathroom and before I realised, pretty party girl became dirty cheating slut as I had a boyfriend at the time. The weird thing is I really liked my boyfriend, I had never done anything with him because I really did want it to be special and I didn't want him to see me as easy. 3 years later I really miss him. naturally he left me when he found out what I had done, and it all became too much. I booked a flight back to the uk on my own as I was now 16 and really pissed off my parents by calling them from Heathrow to pick me up.
I was accepted into my old school after sitting late gcse mocks, how I passed? I haven't got a clue as I don't think I had opened a book for the entire 10 months I had been away, but I think younger overachiever me had just give me good foundations to fall back on.
Re-joining my class was awful, everyone believed I has disappeared because I was pregnant or in rehab all my friends had moved on with their lives apart from the one to had raised the alarm about my lies. I used my stories from my time away almost in the same way as I had in my second school to shock my way into being popular although by this point, I was close to a breakdown. I was really feeling the lack of a real identity and the breakdown of my family and friend relationships as well as my first romantic relationship. My interactions with the older guy made me feel like the only part of my persona that was true was the slut.
I ended up running away from home a lot sleeping rough, staying all night in 24hr McDonalds and generally having a full breakdown. I made attempts on my life which eventually put me in a psychiatric hospital for 7 months. By that point I felt too trapped in my lies and even lied to doctors about my fake drug abuse history. I was speaking to therapists about problems I never had, and issues have never had to face. I complained too my friends on the outside about missing drinking and smoking and all that. By that point I was 17 so my friends were actually experimenting with drugs as once while I was out on leave, my friend surprised me with weed because I’d been complaining about missing it so much and I smoked for the very first time, too embarrassed to admit 4 years of lying about an addiction. After I was discharged, I was put in the care system for the last 6 months before I turned 18 and ended up in a shared house with other young people in care. I foolishly continued my lie about my party lifestyle and all the drugs I did but the thing is everyone in that shared house did drugs and it was really hard to lie that I was also a user when I was blatantly always sober. I ended up smoking weed with my housemates every day for those 6 months while struggling to come up with excuses not to try anything harder as I was claiming to be a seasoned veteran.
I then left that housing placement and continued my smoking habit as I moved to a new town to restart my a levels a year below my peers in a different school where I basically combined my actual issues (smoking, mental health) with my fake issues that were now so ingrained I could talk about them without being anxious about telling different people different versions or slipping up about times and places as I’ve told those stories so many times it feels like my own backstory. I’m 19 now, about to go to uni this September and it’s just really dawning on me that I don’t know my own backstory, I’ve merged my real life with my fake one so much so that I don’t know what I really like, how I really act, what my real hobbies are, what kind of people I like being friends with. I’m entirely my own fabrication and I hate it. What is wrong with me? How can I rectify this without losing everyone who’s ever trusted me?
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mazenod
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#2
Report 5 months ago
#2
You need to start fresh. First, no more weed ever again. Second, no more lying ever again. I reckon a gap year would have been great for you, like a charity year. You could still try and squeeze this in to your summer, but it may be hard. I think in future you just need to engrave, ‘no more dumb ****’ into your brain. Cheating, drugs, lying, self-harm, everyone know that these are bad things. So if a bad thing like that comes finds its’ way to you, get away from it. You can’t change the past, so i’d say move on, use university as a time to start fresh. You made many mistakes, so you should learn from them
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NestlePure
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#3
Report 5 months ago
#3
Like the person above said you need to start fresh. Stop smoking as it's not good for your health, because you are harming yourself by doing so. From now on tell the truth, stop lying to impress people, as it won't get you anywhere in life.
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Anonymous #2
#4
Report 5 months ago
#4
Sounds like you have a problem with lying and seem to always want to fit in , I understand that as lots of people do it but not to that extent . With uni at least you can start fresh as you don’t know anyone and make sure to get in with the right crowd who have similar interests as you . If you’re hanging around people who are doing drugs and smoking, that’ll only make you want to lie about it and fall back into your lies . If people ask about your past maybe just tell them the truth and make sure to let them know that you aren’t that person anymore and never were that person
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Anonymous #3
#5
Report 5 months ago
#5
As others said no more lying. At university if you start boasting about these things you won't find friends. It's not as "cool" to do drugs or be hanging out with different boys. This really is the time to start fresh. You clearly aren't proud of some of the things you've done, so already you know that person isn't the real you. Think about how you view your actions, what you think about certain topics and you'll begin to piece together who you really are. Taking up a productive hobby would be a good way to distract yourself. Team sports are always good as you'll be hanging out with other people. If you have a friend you could go with even better. If you can't afford that or it's not for you, join a running group or go running with a friend - even though it might sound weird and out of character it would help to do something. If that's not for you try lots of things - reading, drawing, dancing there are lots of things. Join societies at university to make friends. Associate yourself with morally good people. People may ask about the past but no one will ever really ask you for details (most of the time) if they do don't lie - you can say you're not comfortable talking about that, or just tell them and say you're not like that anymore. People don't care about gossip as much so don't worry. I hope you can move forward successfully.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry this is so long, it's sort of my life story and I just don't know how to escape this web of lies I've made.
So basically, I was always a perfect goody two shoes golden child, and I was always top of my class, I overworked and strived to keep up a perfect reputation. I ended up getting full marks in my 11+ exam and thought I was going to the school of my dreams.
As you can imagine wannabe teachers’ pet didn't go down too well with my new peer group and outside my primary friendship group, I realised that being the first to answer every question wasn't as cool as I thought if you get me.
I started lying when my classmates started getting into relationships and drinking etc when we were about 12/13. I didn't really want to partake, and I'd never be invited even if I had, but truthfully, I knew it was wrong and damaging so I never actually wanted to go out late and get drunk in a park. I would lie about all the cooler people I was hanging out with and all the drugs they were doing and always hinted that I partook without explicitly saying so. The rumour mill obviously went mad and I found that soon the whole school 'knew' I was a secret rebel. That would have been the perfect time to stop, own up and just move on with m life. instead I made even more convoluted lies and kept needles that were literally for her dog’s injections in my locker, collected all my pocket money in my locker as people were asking how I could afford to drink and do drugs so often. I had at this point never had a sip of alcohol in my life but I could tell my lies were weakening and I made the decision to steal my dad’s wine and drink a little before school so I would smell of it and people would believe I had been out drinking the night before. Long story short I didn't realise how easy it is to get drunk and my friends noticed and given all my other lies, told my school they were worried about me. The deputy head searched my bag and locker and found loads of cash, needles and sharps (I there was a lot going on at home and the stress of living 2 lives was becoming too much and I had begun to self-harm at that point) I ended up being suspended and my parents were told everything and they obviously didn't believe I would go to such great lengths to lie. I think that’s when my actual mental health issues began to really surface as I locked myself in a room and set in on fire at 14, I refused to speak to the police when they arrived, and I spent a night in a cell. That only fuelled the 'gone off the tracks' rumours and for the first time, the cool girl appearance I had initially tried to make actually happened. I think at this point I weirdly started to believe I was who I had pretended to be, and my attitude and behaviour reflected that.
I ended up getting in a lot of trouble and just a big mess when a friend who was actually worried about me showed school my bbm history with her ( it really was 2014) and all my fake drunk and high texts came out, all the lies about what I was taking and what I was doing with all these fake guys came out and I couldn't cope with the backlash. I left my school and my parents agreed as they felt it was a bad influence on me and moved to my parents’ home country to stay with family. This is when my lies SHOULD have stopped. It was the perfect fresh start. Instead away from my family, in a highly conservative country with an accent that was almost worshiped (never understood why eastern countries admire the uk so much) my peers loved hearing about how different and free the uk is and I began to share the outrageous life stories I had made up whilst back in my old school in my new school. I made myself into this cheap slutty British party girl. I became wildly popular and was the cool girl I had always wanted to be once more. I would flirt with all the boys, even though I had a boyfriend for the first time. This ended up with me being coerced to going to the boy’s bathroom with an older guy in my school. I was by no means forced but I think I almost felt like I had to live up to the image I had created. That ended up being both my first kiss and my first time and, in all honesty, I really never liked the guy. We ended up being caught when another guy came into the bathroom and before I realised, pretty party girl became dirty cheating slut as I had a boyfriend at the time. The weird thing is I really liked my boyfriend, I had never done anything with him because I really did want it to be special and I didn't want him to see me as easy. 3 years later I really miss him. naturally he left me when he found out what I had done, and it all became too much. I booked a flight back to the uk on my own as I was now 16 and really pissed off my parents by calling them from Heathrow to pick me up.
I was accepted into my old school after sitting late gcse mocks, how I passed? I haven't got a clue as I don't think I had opened a book for the entire 10 months I had been away, but I think younger overachiever me had just give me good foundations to fall back on.
Re-joining my class was awful, everyone believed I has disappeared because I was pregnant or in rehab all my friends had moved on with their lives apart from the one to had raised the alarm about my lies. I used my stories from my time away almost in the same way as I had in my second school to shock my way into being popular although by this point, I was close to a breakdown. I was really feeling the lack of a real identity and the breakdown of my family and friend relationships as well as my first romantic relationship. My interactions with the older guy made me feel like the only part of my persona that was true was the slut.
I ended up running away from home a lot sleeping rough, staying all night in 24hr McDonalds and generally having a full breakdown. I made attempts on my life which eventually put me in a psychiatric hospital for 7 months. By that point I felt too trapped in my lies and even lied to doctors about my fake drug abuse history. I was speaking to therapists about problems I never had, and issues have never had to face. I complained too my friends on the outside about missing drinking and smoking and all that. By that point I was 17 so my friends were actually experimenting with drugs as once while I was out on leave, my friend surprised me with weed because I’d been complaining about missing it so much and I smoked for the very first time, too embarrassed to admit 4 years of lying about an addiction. After I was discharged, I was put in the care system for the last 6 months before I turned 18 and ended up in a shared house with other young people in care. I foolishly continued my lie about my party lifestyle and all the drugs I did but the thing is everyone in that shared house did drugs and it was really hard to lie that I was also a user when I was blatantly always sober. I ended up smoking weed with my housemates every day for those 6 months while struggling to come up with excuses not to try anything harder as I was claiming to be a seasoned veteran.
I then left that housing placement and continued my smoking habit as I moved to a new town to restart my a levels a year below my peers in a different school where I basically combined my actual issues (smoking, mental health) with my fake issues that were now so ingrained I could talk about them without being anxious about telling different people different versions or slipping up about times and places as I’ve told those stories so many times it feels like my own backstory. I’m 19 now, about to go to uni this September and it’s just really dawning on me that I don’t know my own backstory, I’ve merged my real life with my fake one so much so that I don’t know what I really like, how I really act, what my real hobbies are, what kind of people I like being friends with. I’m entirely my own fabrication and I hate it. What is wrong with me? How can I rectify this without losing everyone who’s ever trusted me?
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Anonymous #4
#6
Report 5 months ago
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No more lying, seriously. Just go to a university where hopefully nobody knows you, and don’t tell them what you did or didn’t do before. Then just work hard and get a degree, and get your life together. You might want to see a psychiatrist for your actual problems, like your seeming obsession with fitting in and how you desperately want to be popular.
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Katie Louise 15
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#7
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Hi, sorry about all of this! I know how tough it is to want to be cool and do drugs to get there but realising they're not actually cool but you have to keep it up- not because of need but because for once you finally feel like you're the center of attention and have friends- the cool friends.

What I would say is, you're old enough now to actually make an honest person of yourself.

Firstly- I would stop smoking weed

Secondly- I would get a job and make some money, make an honest person of yourself - i would also get speaking to a therapist for your pathological lying. No lying to your therapist.

Thirdly- I reccomend doing damage control with your family- trying to form bonds with your brother and parents- especially your family that you ran out on to go back home. Simple outings like going to the cinema with your brother and go from there. Trying to avoid talking about your past. At this point I believe it would be best to neither add or deny your old story because you're trying to move past all that and create new memories. Like you say you don't know what's real and what's not. So my advice is to move on - try to create bonds and work up

As well as this I would take a year to travel and see the world. Programs like camp america and eu pair would be good. Especially programs that have you picking fruit or something working on a farm. They're usually in rural areas with low signal so you have less chance to lie to your old friends.

To add to this, I would say that if your friends are the ones that are the reason you feel to lie, then you need to leave them, at least take a break from them to sort your **** out so you can establish a lie free relationship.

As well as this I would recommend..........well.... living your life drug/lie free! Enjoy your ****ing life! Make new memories! Make a new name for yourself! A new reputation! maybe make a fresh start in a different country, if your friends can't respect that then they're not your real friends, you need to move past this phase in your life.



A career in the military might be a good option for you thinking about it..... it's got discipline so you won't have any chance to lie about 'going off the rails' because you'll have no chance, you'll have no chance to drink or lie about drinking and you'll either be exercising, being screamed at by your drill sergeant or sleeping to be worried about making up stories! Also you won't be thinking about your past because you'll be too scared/ excited/ knackered about your upcoming/ current life in the military!

Either that or you can start a life of crime which I highly do not reccomend.
Anyways, think about it. Plus ive spent a lot of time on this lol soo a reply would be good aha xx
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steamed-hams
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That was a brilliant story
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