Girlfriend and Cocaine Watch

Anonymous #1
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On Saturday I went to a day festival with my girlfriend and a few of her friends, which was all fine and well but I could see a change in her as she was much happier and talkative, so I thought something was up. However, paid very little attention to it. A little later on in the day, we were at the main stage for the big act and I saw her haunched over with her right arm out and left hand pouring something onto the back of her hand. When I approached her, I saw that she had a small bag of cocaine and all her close “friends” were doing it as well. I actually saw her snort it, which was extremely upsetting and an image I still cannot get out of my head. I say “friends” as I’m not sure real “true” friends would encourage others to take drugs, especially hard drugs like this that you don’t know the chemical make-up of.

Anyway, when I approached her she could see the disappointment on my face and was visibly upset by my reaction, saying things like:

“You really need to chill the f*** out.”
“I’ve done this 6 times today, so you’ve not even noticed and need not worry.”
“You’re ruining a good time for me here.”
“I’m a grown woman and know what I’m doing.”

About 25 minutes into the act, I just could not hold it in and just burst into tears. I was on the phone to my mum about this and that did not go down with my girlfriend too well, who later found out.

It’s worth mentioning that I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for around 11 months and she quit smoking (still vaping) to be with me so, in her eyes, she thinks she’s already made a sacrifice already. I guess, anyway.

My sacrifice is that I recently moved down to London to be closer to her as I lived up north, though I used to work remotely and travel into London, which is when I saw her some of the time. It’s now easier as I work from the office and can see her regularly. Unfortunately, financially it’s been a bit difficult over the last few months with rent and finding money to go out with her to do things. I’m coming to the end of my current agreement with my landlord and will be moving in with my girlfriend, shared flat. My worries are:

- She says she’s not been doing it for very long and that she has not got a problem. Reading up on this, it seems like denial and she’s more than likely been doing so before we met. I asked, she’s just always replied with “Not very long.”
- Her social circles at work seem to be doing this, and I think she gets cocaine from someone at work. Her friends also seem to get it too, from somewhere.
- We’ll be living together soon and I love her to absolute bits, but worry that this is not just a short term “bit of fun” and that this will spiral out of control.
- She’ll end up out of pocket. To be fair, she does pay her bills on time, though I think she’s living in her overdraft.
- That she’s not happy about something, so is reliant on cocaine for a short term high with long term affects.
- She said that she’s taking it and it’s not hurting me.
- There’s issue of trust and whether she will put her friends and drugs before me.

I’ve reached out to her friends on WhatsApp, spoke to her close friend that done it on the day with her (he actually lose his bag of cocaine) and he’s said not to worry and that this will not ruin our relationship. He would say that, obvs. He also said that he would definitely make an effort to stop this with her, but not sure whether to believe him or not. I spoke to another friend and he said he only knew of when she took it on her birthday, which was news to me. I spoke to them all in confidence that they would not tell her.

I must admit that I’ve done a lot for this girl, she had a tough time in previous relationships and I’m aware of that. My family think I’ve done too much. However, I’m a very genuine guy that’s out to change her idea of what a good boyfriend should be like. I’ve taken her away abroad, threw a really nice birthday for her (even made her a cake from scratch) and I’m even on the verge of moving in with her. I think I’ve busted a gut for her as I do see a long-term future for her. I do feel though, that I will end up playing second fiddle to this cocaine and anything else she takes (regardless of how much she takes).

I’m just seeking advice as I’m torn and mentally worn out with worry, as I love her a lot. I just don’t know what to do. She’s mentioned to her mum that she’s tried MDMA, another drug with a work colleague(🙄) and her mum wasn’t so impressed. I’d dread to think what her mum would say about the cocaine.

- I appreciate she probably wants to try new things, but there’s trying then there’s forming an addiction. Two different things, completely.
- Do you think I should speak to her mum in confidence about it? I just don’t want to run the risk of her mother thinking I’m condoning this. I also don’t want to run the risk of this back-firing and her finding out through her mum. The truth that it’s bad for you can hurt sometimes and at 33, I feel she needs a wake-up call.
- Shall I put my foot down? An ultimatum will just push her away from me and I fear she’ll dump me and continue down the path of destroying herself gradually, which I would hate to see.
- Do I move in with her?
- Do I sit down and speak to her about it? I’m terrible with words and confronting people about drugs. She always says that there’s nothing to talk or worry about. 🤦🏻*♂️

I’m due to be moving in with her on the 24th June as well as go on holiday with her and her friends to Cyprus in July so I need to do something before then ideally. I don’t want to lose her, but don’t want to cause unnecessary worry and hurt to myself, so will give my all to trying to get her back on the right track. But, I’m only human and you can only do so much for someone.

Any advice will be very much appreciated! x
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StriderHort
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Sounds like you're overreacting, a lot. Not to say it's not something to worry about or to react to, but you're being excessive and not dealing with it well. You're in your 30s and your main recourse is to have a dramatic cry, grass her in to her/your mum and hassle her friends about it? C'mon, If you have valid concerns, talk about them at a time that suits you both, but don't try to build yourself up as the victim.

How much experience and knowledge of drugs do you personally have? Festivals and Drugs have went together for an awful long time. I'm not saying that's necessarily good, but it's a fact.

BTW - " I could see a change in her as she was much happier and talkative, so I thought something was up. However, paid very little attention to it"- you realise this statement does not speak well about your relationship?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Sounds like you're overreacting, a lot. Not to say it's not something to worry about or to react to, but you're being excessive and not dealing with it well. You're in your 30s and your main recourse is to have a dramatic cry, grass her in to her/your mum and hassle her friends about it? C'mon, If you have valid concerns, talk about them at a time that suits you both, but don't try to build yourself up as the victim.

How much experience and knowledge of drugs do you personally have? Festivals and Drugs have went together for an awful long time. I'm not saying that's necessarily good, but it's a fact.

BTW - " I could see a change in her as she was much happier and talkative, so I thought something was up. However, paid very little attention to it"- you realise this statement does not speak well about your relationship?
I guess I am. It was just difficult to see her do it, that’s all. I grew up very shielded from the world and recently had a cousin of mine killed because of cocaine. :/
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ThatLondonFella
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Sounds like you're overreacting, a lot. Not to say it's not something to worry about or to react to, but you're being excessive and not dealing with it well. You're in your 30s and your main recourse is to have a dramatic cry, grass her in to her/your mum and hassle her friends about it? C'mon, If you have valid concerns, talk about them at a time that suits you both, but don't try to build yourself up as the victim.

How much experience and knowledge of drugs do you personally have? Festivals and Drugs have went together for an awful long time. I'm not saying that's necessarily good, but it's a fact.

BTW - " I could see a change in her as she was much happier and talkative, so I thought something was up. However, paid very little attention to it"- you realise this statement does not speak well about your relationship?
Maybe I am overreacting. I’m just not used to it and hate seeing her take it in front of me. I also just don’t want her to grow too dependent on it.

I guess I’m just being silly, but I’ve recently had two very close people to me suffer from cocaine (1 dead and 1 currently in prison), so I feel this drug has already taken away things from me and I don’t want her to be consumed too.
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Last edited by ThatLondonFella; 5 days ago
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sknudson
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Only skimmed the wall of text because it all comes down to one thing in the end: either this is good enough or isn't in any relationship. You're a grown man and can freely walk away from anything to find something or someone better, which seems the best route and is the one I'd take myself. I wouldn't expect her to have much respect left for you as a man for crying on the phone to mummy afterward.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sknudson)
Only skimmed the wall of text because it all comes down to one thing in the end: either this is good enough or isn't in any relationship. You're a grown man and can freely walk away from anything to find something or someone better, which seems the best route and is the one I'd take myself. I wouldn't expect her to have much respect left for you as a man for crying on the phone to mummy afterward.
Maybe not the best thing to do. I feel really **** about it now...
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sknudson)
Only skimmed the wall of text because it all comes down to one thing in the end: either this is good enough or isn't in any relationship. You're a grown man and can freely walk away from anything to find something or someone better, which seems the best route and is the one I'd take myself. I wouldn't expect her to have much respect left for you as a man for crying on the phone to mummy afterward.
Maybe that wasn’t a good decision, I was drunk though 🤷🏻

I feel SUPER **** about it and it’s down to me to turn things around. Speak about this like grown people and find a middle ground with it all.
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ThatLondonFella
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(Original post by sknudson)
Only skimmed the wall of text because it all comes down to one thing in the end: either this is good enough or isn't in any relationship. You're a grown man and can freely walk away from anything to find something or someone better, which seems the best route and is the one I'd take myself. I wouldn't expect her to have much respect left for you as a man for crying on the phone to mummy afterward.
Maybe not the best thing to do. :/

It’s down to me to make it right with her.
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sknudson
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(Original post by ThatLondonFella)
Maybe not the best thing to do. :/

It’s down to me to make it right with her.
An enviable task, but not one I'd expect to go very well. Just remember that people are replaceable in any capacity. No relationship is worth fighting for like this.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sknudson)
An enviable task, but not one I'd expect to go very well. Just remember that people are replaceable in any capacity. No relationship is worth fighting for like this.
What would you suggest doing?
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ThatLondonFella
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(Original post by sknudson)
An enviable task, but not one I'd expect to go very well. Just remember that people are replaceable in any capacity. No relationship is worth fighting for like this.
What would you suggest doing then?
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sknudson
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(Original post by ThatLondonFella)
What would you suggest doing then?
I'd have walked at the gig/festival because that wouldn't have been good enough for me either - and I don't even have the background of having people close to me having issues with cocaine. Chalk it up to a learning experience in that you've learned what's important to you in a relationship and had to deal with the problem first hand: you have no room in your life for drug users, which is admirable, and won't compromise on that. Right onto the next one, brah.
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ThatLondonFella
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(Original post by sknudson)
I'd have walked at the gig/festival because that wouldn't have been good enough for me either - and I don't even have the background of having people close to me having issues with cocaine. Chalk it up to a learning experience in that you've learned what's important to you in a relationship and had to deal with the problem first hand: you have no room in your life for drug users, which is admirable, and won't compromise on that. Right onto the next one, brah.
It’s out of my comfort zone, but we’ve been dating for 11 months and I really do love her. I’m going to stick with her, let her know that I’m there for her should she need the support.
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sknudson
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(Original post by ThatLondonFella)
It’s out of my comfort zone, but we’ve been dating for 11 months and I really do love her. I’m going to stick with her, let her know that I’m there for her should she need the support.
Get ready for a heartbreaking learning experience, then. If you give her an inch now, then she's going to take a mile and disregard whatever feelings you have towards her drug use since you've already allowed her to get away with this much. Good luck. This is going to be nothing but an uphill battle.
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Anonymous #2
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Yeah your overreacting im afraid, maybe at that age i guess its something she should definetely not make a habit as if your still doing it in your 30s it will definetely end in health problems, however telling her mum will not help and neither would telling your mum. Obviously speaking to her friends about getting her to stop would not help either, you've just gotta make sure its not a weekly thing. Doing some drugs at a festival now and then isnt gonna kill you.

And what you said about her friends not being real friends isnt true. Its like a group of men who want their mate to come to the pub for a pint, they just want to hang out with their mate, they are still just as good friends, if they all have the problem they will all be in denial together, maybe you could break that denial and open their eyes.
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StriderHort
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(Original post by ThatLondonFella)
Maybe I am overreacting. I’m just not used to it and hate seeing her take it in front of me. I also just don’t want her to grow too dependent on it.

I guess I’m just being silly, but I’ve recently had two very close people to me suffer from cocaine (1 dead and 1 currently in prison), so I feel this drug has already taken away things from me and I don’t want her to be consumed too.
No one want's to see people they care about become dependent on anything, no arguments there, but you also can't go ahead and assume dependence or that inevitability (and then try to paint yourself as the victim of that future). Personally, I was big into the clubbing/festival/drugs scene and for every person i've known to develop a bad habit with cocaine, I know a dozen who indulge once in a blue moon, ie festivals, special occasions and they leave it there. I pointed out in a similar thread a few days ago, but it's use is a lot more widespread in the UK now, the price of the crap stuff has dropped until it's replaced the gap speed left in the market, and the expensive stuff has trendy edgelord appeal.

For me it's booze, i'm Scottish in my 30's and already so many of my close friends and family have hit issues with it and i've seen it directly and slowly ruin peoples lives...but this doesn't give me grounds to treat everyone that IS capable of having a few drinks the same way or with the same inevitability. If i started freaking out and tearing up whenever i saw someone take a drink i feel the truth would be that >I< had the problem with alcohol, not them. Also I probably wouldn't be asked back to the pub again.

If you see a future with this person talk to them about it and explain why you worry, it's an obvious assumption but you are likely projecting elements of what happened to two of your friends onto her, and that's something in your head, not hers. Don't make it a lecture, don't make it an ultimatum unless you're v comfortable being dumped on principle and for god's sake don;t make it 'Look what you're doing to me and the future i'm imagining for us!'
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MagicRolo101
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If she's doing stuff like this without telling you, and withholding information that is obviously distressing you, then I really don't think she's worth the stress mate.

Any good partner would have discussed this with you since, and wouldn't be hiding it from you.

“I’ve done this 6 times today, so you’ve not even noticed and need not worry.” is a horrific sign that she is okay with doing things behind your back in my opinion. I can't imagine how distant you guys must be if you haven't talked about this properly either before or since that moment.

As your partner, I think she should have at least told you she was about to do a class A drug. Sounds very dishonest and disloyal to me.
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SalazarSlytherin
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This guy has got to be trolling 100%, its just ****ing cocaine and
(Original post by Anonymous)
“You really need to chill the f*** out.”
“I’ve done this 6 times today, so you’ve not even noticed and need not worry.”
“You’re ruining a good time for me here.”
“I’m a grown woman and know what I’m doing.”
in case you think this is harsh, it's not, it's nice
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Anonymous)
And what you said about her friends not being real friends isnt true. Its like a group of men who want their mate to come to the pub for a pint, they just want to hang out with their mate, they are still just as good friends, if they all have the problem they will all be in denial together, maybe you could break that denial and open their eyes.
That would be a good analogy if alcohol was as harmful as cocaine. But it isn't. A person who does cocaine is seriously harming themselves, and good friends don't sit there and let each other seriously harm themselves.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by SalazarSlytherin)
This guy has got to be trolling 100%, its just ****ing cocaine and

in case you think this is harsh, it's not, it's nice
Found the coke addict
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