Descriptive writing paper 1 question 5 Watch

cool_cool
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I'm not sure whether my descriptive writing answer was good enough. I have a big exam soon (even though I'm only in year 8) and I struggle a lot with descriptive writing. I would be very grateful if someone could give me feedback on this short section of my text.

write a description of an interesting building.

an immense shadow lurked over the sparse town, causing darkness to remain even on the brightest days. the building towered over every house for miles and stood like a proud king. and it was. it honestly was. not a single scratch or dent could be spotted and a shiny metallic cover gleamed happily, sending people staggering after touching it. it burned like fire, yet it was an ice-cold mansion. there was not a single problem with this building, and everyone knew it. it had anything and everything that people in the town dreamed of. and far more. massive diamonds stood poised like models on the top, carved delicately into the word "Splendour". it was name treated with respect and even fear among the feeble civilians; not a word would be spoken against this master. it only made sense that something as angelic and incredible as this would belong to a rich, attention-seeking snob. but it didn't. it was owned by a humble man.
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exams_6700
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She is the only person I have left in this vast world full of people who are oblivious to the dark, dire, bleak reality of life. My twin sister, my soulmate, my ride or die. She is lying on the white hospital bed surrounded by the four whitewashed walls of the room that has seen so much suffering and sadness and anguish. They pity me. When I look at her, i try to hold onto the hope that she will wake up again. The wires and tubes connected to her heart are the only things keeping her breathing. In and out. In and out. We take it for granted. In and out. The harrowing anticipation of what might happen is tearing at my insides desperate to be released from the clutches of grief and heartache and the memories of that night play out again, in front of my eyes, for what seems to be the hundredth time.
I hadn't seen her fall. I was in front of her and she was lagging behind as usual, her wind racing away with itself. I hadn't seen her but I had heard her. I heard the earth shattering screams partnered with the screeching brakes that still pierced my ears today - the ringing never ceased. And then nothing. Time slowed down.
I wheeled around and the gut wrenching image of what lay in front of me burnt itself in my memories forever. The intense fear and horror in the drivers eyes, the sharp gasps of the people who had begun to gather tension in the air began to suffocate me , as my beautiful best friend lay on the ground in front of my eyes. The crimson red blood quickly forming a puddle around her slim, motionless legs, as if trying to take over the world. Her once exuberant and lively face was now pallid and as hollow as a cold shell abandoned on a wet beach. Her eyes were bleeding tears of pain. I felt an uncontrollable surge of agony travel through my limp body as I heard a deafening shriek escape from my lips;my brain processed what my heart refused to believe.
My knees buckled as my legs gave way under the weight of my heavy heart. I fell beside her, I begged her to hold on but she screamed out in agony and all I could see was Death. I sent him away, pushing him away with all my might, telling him that he wasn't welcome. I faintly heard the perpetrator in the background telling anyone who would listen that an ambulance was on its way. I was unaware of my surrounding as everything fell from my view except the only person who ever understood me. She was slowly slipping, departing but I refused to let her go. She whimpered and howled and I could see her suffering as she tried to grasp on to the thread of life. The shrill, recurring sounds of the sirens got louder and louder as if reflecting my fear. I was afraid. I was terrified. My sister lay in front of me and I was helpless, unable to save her, unable to go back in time to put myself where she lay on the cold, wet, grey gravel with life seeping out of her eyes. Time slowed down.
I heard the shocked voices of passerby's and I tasted the regret that seemed to emit from every pore of the perpetrators body, as if apologising profusely would wipe clean the harm he had caused. But I knew this was a tenacious stain. I felt his trembling shadow lean over my sister, his guilt- ridden tears on my precious sister, but I was too focused, too fixated on making sure the dark shadows of Death kept its distance from us. I reminded him that I would take my revenge if he dared to move one step closer to me. The sirens got louder and I heard the slamming of brakes again but this time they spoke of hope, of optimism, of confidence. Then the people dressed in green with medical equipment grabbed me from the shoulders, dragging me away as I fought them, trying to get them to understand that I had to keep Death away, that I needed to stay by her side, that all we had was each other but they held me back as they surrounded her like a pool of green water with her swimming, drowning, gasping. Her face was still ashen and the momentary green turned red once again. Dying. I felt exhausted fighting Death. They drove her away in their yellow vans, its blue lights blinding and its sirens blaring, telling the world that Death was chasing them and only time could save her now.
The perpetrator was still stood there warily watching and waiting. Panic and alarm flashed around his eyes like ferocious waves battering a weak, wooden boat at sea as the men in black hats with black notebooks threw question after question at him. My sadness grew. His terror grew. Her pain grew. All our emotions were alive, merging into the air, reminding us that we had no control over fate. Time slowed down. They spoke to me in words I couldn't comprehend and reassurances I didn't understand. I was pushed gently into another car with stranger's arms around my shoulders. I saw him handcuffed and thrown into a car similar to the ones I could see haphazardly parked all around us and as the door closed on him, we made eye contact and spoke; I told him I hated him and that he'd ruined my life, I told him I hated him if I lost her, she wouldn't be the only one lost. I told him I was okay. I told him I forgave him. We drove away in opposite directions yet the branches of our lives were now entwined with each other's, held tightly by the girl who didn't deserve to suffer. Time slowed.
Today , I am still here, waiting. They tell me it's only been a few hours but I don't believe them. I am certain it has been years since she last opened her eyes. They tell me words I can't process and I tell them to bring her back to life; we're not listening to each other! Everything is a grey blur now, with colour having escaped from our lives. The putrid, mixed stench of strong cleaning agents, wilting flowers and stale food travels up my nose making me gag. Nauseating. I still remain by her side- begging, negotiating, deal-making with Death. It mocks me, the anger and hatred and sadness and frustration continues to rise inside of me and the whole in my fragile heart expands until I am certain that I will explode and destroy the world into tiny pieces. I wait and i scream silently but I do not give up. Resilience and determination was our motto. I help her hold onto life and teach her to stop her fingers from slipping just like I taught her to grip onto the monkey bars so many years ago. ' I love you,' I whisper. My voice sounds raw and hoarse from all the constant, silent screaming. Beep, beep, beep.
(Original post by cool_cool)
I'm not sure whether my descriptive writing answer was good enough. I have a big exam soon (even though I'm only in year 8) and I struggle a lot with descriptive writing. I would be very grateful if someone could give me feedback on this short section of my text.

write a description of an interesting building.

an immense shadow lurked over the sparse town, causing darkness to remain even on the brightest days. the building towered over every house for miles and stood like a proud king. and it was. it honestly was. not a single scratch or dent could be spotted and a shiny metallic cover gleamed happily, sending people staggering after touching it. it burned like fire, yet it was an ice-cold mansion. there was not a single problem with this building, and everyone knew it. it had anything and everything that people in the town dreamed of. and far more. massive diamonds stood poised like models on the top, carved delicately into the word "Splendour". it was name treated with respect and even fear among the feeble civilians; not a word would be spoken against this master. it only made sense that something as angelic and incredible as this would belong to a rich, attention-seeking snob. but it didn't. it was owned by a humble man.
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cool_cool
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#3
Report Thread starter 5 days ago
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wow, that is incredible! it would take me a long time to get to that level.
(Original post by exams_6700)
She is the only person I have left in this vast world full of people who are oblivious to the dark, dire, bleak reality of life. My twin sister, my soulmate, my ride or die. She is lying on the white hospital bed surrounded by the four whitewashed walls of the room that has seen so much suffering and sadness and anguish. They pity me. When I look at her, i try to hold onto the hope that she will wake up again. The wires and tubes connected to her heart are the only things keeping her breathing. In and out. In and out. We take it for granted. In and out. The harrowing anticipation of what might happen is tearing at my insides desperate to be released from the clutches of grief and heartache and the memories of that night play out again, in front of my eyes, for what seems to be the hundredth time.
I hadn't seen her fall. I was in front of her and she was lagging behind as usual, her wind racing away with itself. I hadn't seen her but I had heard her. I heard the earth shattering screams partnered with the screeching brakes that still pierced my ears today - the ringing never ceased. And then nothing. Time slowed down.
I wheeled around and the gut wrenching image of what lay in front of me burnt itself in my memories forever. The intense fear and horror in the drivers eyes, the sharp gasps of the people who had begun to gather tension in the air began to suffocate me , as my beautiful best friend lay on the ground in front of my eyes. The crimson red blood quickly forming a puddle around her slim, motionless legs, as if trying to take over the world. Her once exuberant and lively face was now pallid and as hollow as a cold shell abandoned on a wet beach. Her eyes were bleeding tears of pain. I felt an uncontrollable surge of agony travel through my limp body as I heard a deafening shriek escape from my lips;my brain processed what my heart refused to believe.
My knees buckled as my legs gave way under the weight of my heavy heart. I fell beside her, I begged her to hold on but she screamed out in agony and all I could see was Death. I sent him away, pushing him away with all my might, telling him that he wasn't welcome. I faintly heard the perpetrator in the background telling anyone who would listen that an ambulance was on its way. I was unaware of my surrounding as everything fell from my view except the only person who ever understood me. She was slowly slipping, departing but I refused to let her go. She whimpered and howled and I could see her suffering as she tried to grasp on to the thread of life. The shrill, recurring sounds of the sirens got louder and louder as if reflecting my fear. I was afraid. I was terrified. My sister lay in front of me and I was helpless, unable to save her, unable to go back in time to put myself where she lay on the cold, wet, grey gravel with life seeping out of her eyes. Time slowed down.
I heard the shocked voices of passerby's and I tasted the regret that seemed to emit from every pore of the perpetrators body, as if apologising profusely would wipe clean the harm he had caused. But I knew this was a tenacious stain. I felt his trembling shadow lean over my sister, his guilt- ridden tears on my precious sister, but I was too focused, too fixated on making sure the dark shadows of Death kept its distance from us. I reminded him that I would take my revenge if he dared to move one step closer to me. The sirens got louder and I heard the slamming of brakes again but this time they spoke of hope, of optimism, of confidence. Then the people dressed in green with medical equipment grabbed me from the shoulders, dragging me away as I fought them, trying to get them to understand that I had to keep Death away, that I needed to stay by her side, that all we had was each other but they held me back as they surrounded her like a pool of green water with her swimming, drowning, gasping. Her face was still ashen and the momentary green turned red once again. Dying. I felt exhausted fighting Death. They drove her away in their yellow vans, its blue lights blinding and its sirens blaring, telling the world that Death was chasing them and only time could save her now.
The perpetrator was still stood there warily watching and waiting. Panic and alarm flashed around his eyes like ferocious waves battering a weak, wooden boat at sea as the men in black hats with black notebooks threw question after question at him. My sadness grew. His terror grew. Her pain grew. All our emotions were alive, merging into the air, reminding us that we had no control over fate. Time slowed down. They spoke to me in words I couldn't comprehend and reassurances I didn't understand. I was pushed gently into another car with stranger's arms around my shoulders. I saw him handcuffed and thrown into a car similar to the ones I could see haphazardly parked all around us and as the door closed on him, we made eye contact and spoke; I told him I hated him and that he'd ruined my life, I told him I hated him if I lost her, she wouldn't be the only one lost. I told him I was okay. I told him I forgave him. We drove away in opposite directions yet the branches of our lives were now entwined with each other's, held tightly by the girl who didn't deserve to suffer. Time slowed.
Today , I am still here, waiting. They tell me it's only been a few hours but I don't believe them. I am certain it has been years since she last opened her eyes. They tell me words I can't process and I tell them to bring her back to life; we're not listening to each other! Everything is a grey blur now, with colour having escaped from our lives. The putrid, mixed stench of strong cleaning agents, wilting flowers and stale food travels up my nose making me gag. Nauseating. I still remain by her side- begging, negotiating, deal-making with Death. It mocks me, the anger and hatred and sadness and frustration continues to rise inside of me and the whole in my fragile heart expands until I am certain that I will explode and destroy the world into tiny pieces. I wait and i scream silently but I do not give up. Resilience and determination was our motto. I help her hold onto life and teach her to stop her fingers from slipping just like I taught her to grip onto the monkey bars so many years ago. ' I love you,' I whisper. My voice sounds raw and hoarse from all the constant, silent screaming. Beep, beep, beep.
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exams_6700
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#4
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just learn my story by heart and whatever ya question is tweak the story abit
(Original post by cool_cool)
wow, that is incredible! it would take me a long time to get to that level.
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