My boyfriend check out girls in front of me

....and he tells me about it. he tells me he finds other girls attractive and that he would/wouldnt sleep with them. or that their boyfriends or partners or whatever are lucky to have them. now before anyone has a go at me for being insecure, i know i look good, and have an amazing personality, and these insecurities weren't there before he started commenting on other girls' attractiveness.... constantly. everytime there is a female actress, star, whatever, he almost always comments on her attractiveness without fail. and he seems to think it doesn't bother me which it wouldnt have if it was a rarity or just a once every now and again thing, but it's almost constant. and it's annoying. and i cant help but feel like he would rather be with someone else if he had the choice but because he already asked to be exclusive he's somewhat stuck with me and is settling.

he even said as a joke to me that IM settling for him but erm hello i rarely mention other guys' attractiveness or comment on them in that way. when im with someone, all my interactions, and as best as i can manage, thoughts, are platonic

Reply 1

Pathway

Have you spoken to him about the fact this bothers you?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

Have you spoken to him about the fact this bothers you?

no because i dont know how to approach it without sounding insecure or controlling his actions and stuff. also it's not like it's gonna change his thoughts, so i dont see the point of talking to him about it

Reply 3

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

Well you can't police his thoughts, no, you also can't make him do anything (it's natural to appreciate beauty of humans anyway! People naturally wanna look at pretty things, that's why babies are attracted to stereo-typically beautiful faces). But if him verbalising this is upsetting you (especially as it happens often), then you can tell him it upsets you. I don't think that's controlling, that's just having open and honest communication. You need that in a relationship. It's OK to be assertive with your needs. You might want to look up assertive communication? Own your feelings, say what is upsetting you, say why it's bothered you and how it can change (can he do this less?? You say you'd be less bothered if it happened less).

Reply 4

Yez2004

You shouldn't feel like you'll sound like a controlling or insecure person because its normal to feel this way if your boyfriend is acting that way, even I would feel how you're feeling . Communication is important for a healthy relationship and I think you are overthinking thinks when you say you'll sound controlling because it's totally ok to have this type of conversation and if you're actually worried about coming off this way, say that you feel insecure when he says this type of stuff because as a partner he should make care about your whether you are insecure or not and make you feel better. You could also do what he does with guys and if he says it bothers him then you can also talk about how he does the same thing.

Original post by Anonymous

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

It does display an annoying lack of class on his part.

It also indicates that he sees woman as objects. Objects for sexual pleasure.

It's like he's a kid in Hamleys and is commenting on how all the toys look fun to play with. All the time. On and on and on and on.

I would be proceeding with extreme caution with him. As I'm getting the vibe that he's self centred and lacking in empathy. He's also coming across as what my mum would could "Skirt mad".

I think you've been very wise about this so far. Talking about this with him is very unlikely to change his basic philosophy when it comes to women. He might modify how he talks about them for a while, when he's with you. But over time he'll probably go back to his natural self.

I'd understand if you walked away from him over this. I also wouldn't be surprised if further down the line there was some inappropriate action from him to back up all his inappropriate talk.

I'd also understand if you wanted to stick it out with him, especially if he has some overwhelming good features to counterbalance his lack of class and manners.

I don't think there's any polite or non-emotional way you can effectively broach this subject with him. Something along the lines of "What the - insert expletive - are you going on about all this shallow - insert expletive - again? She's a person. There's a lot more to her than whether she's worth jumping into bed with or not. And I'm tired of you going on and on about this. How about us having a normal, proper, polite, civilised conversation for once?"

Reply 6

Yez2004

do you think he's a good boyfriend, if you feel like he doesn't care about you then I think it's best to break up.

Reply 7

UWS

Original post by Anonymous

How is he to know if you don't communicate with him? He isn't a mind reader.

You can't stop him from liking girls but you can stop him from telling you about it. That's the part that makes you upset, he should be able to stop that.

Reply 8

999tigger

Original post by Anonymous

Have a think about how it makes you feel. Does he do it all the time? Would you be more threatened by him saying it about film stars and models or someone he knows or sees in the street whilst out?

As the others have said you need to talk to him, but be clear in what to say, what you want, where you will compromise and what will or wont be a satisfactory answer. Most people would find his behaviour disrespectful, hurtful and disloyal. You need to get across to him its unwelcome behaviour. The key is then if he listens and adjusts or he reacts angrily, belittles it or ignores.

If you get that sort of response from someone who is your friend and meant to respect or care about you then it doesnt add up. At that point you have your answer and you should decide if thats the sort of person you want to be with because it will almost certainly get worse as well as manifest itself in other forms of your relationship. This situation is common, it might be immaturity, lack of awareness, selfishness, but you have to decide whether you want to put up with it if no change is forthcoming and then act on it. Not all boys/ men are like that.

Reply 9

username2393237

If he’s over the age of 15, then he should know better. I think it says a lot about him to be honest.

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Communication is important but surely this highlights a complete lack of respect for you?

Reply 11

Fermion.

Shag someone and make him watch then see how he likes it

Reply 12

mgi

Original post by Anonymous

But that is not good for your relationship. You need to say what's on your mind to your partner. He is insensitive and you have a right to say how you feel. If he is committed to you then he can tone down those comments even if he finds other women attractive. It is probably true that you are not the only attractive woman in the world but he has chosen you so he should be a bit sensitive to your feelings.