I'm a Muslim lesbian Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
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I'm a* 23 year old Muslim closet lesbian, I don't lack anything in life and my roots are from the Middle East. I've been a lesbian since the age of 13-15. I was in a relationship with this girl for 4 years but it wasn't going well, she was ignorant and greedy and bad mannered,* she was cheating on me , controlling me and abusing me I got really depressed and I've still got depression till this day. I failed my exams in school I started to go to school less. I would self harm and stay in my room all day. I had no-one to talk to as I am a closet lesbian.

I stopped eating and taking care of my self,I would feel worse when she would call me to make me jealous talking about someone new she is talking to and then she would cut the call of. I would call her back and she wouldn't answer my calls and I would just cry and lay in my bed all day calling her but she wouldn't answer. At the end I just realised she was just using me for money.

After time went by I started to feel better but as in feeling nothing anymore. The damage was done and I was broken. I stopped caring about her and wasn't bothered if we spoke or not. Then she called me once and we met up and we called of the relationship and it ended badly.

When the relationship ended I changed, I started to develop a lot of anger and would get angry very quickly, my mood swings were really bad. I also never use to swear and I started to swear a lot.

In this current day after some years, I am going to get married soon to my boyfriend who loves me and makes me happy . The first year with him I didn't think about any girl or have a desire to be with a girl because I knew I wouldn't be able to be with a girl or have a future with a girl because I was closet and afraid to look for one because of society,I didn't trust anyone. Everything was going well, I started to feel confident again, I was smiling I was happy and I couldn't ask for anything more. I would just imagine my future with my soon to be husband and having a family with kids.

In the second year of our relationship everything is still going well till I went out with my sister to do some shopping. I was just in my own world on my phone while my sister was lookin at some stuff and I soon as I looked up I saw this girl who worked at the store and she smiled at me, my heart started beat in a funny way and my body went really warm. I just pretended to look back at my phone I didn't know what else to do, then I looked back up at her and I smiled. As soon as I left the store with my cousin, i thought maybe it's nothing maybe she was just pretty. So i just left it at that and forgot about her. After some I went back to the same store just to buy some things and I saw her again and that same feeling all came back to me,she walked past me and smiled i smiled back at her and I just walked away. I couldn't believe that I saw her again, i felt really good and I was smiling through out the rest of the day.

Now whenever I would see her my feelings for her would grow and grow and I wanted to be with her. I would imagine my self with her, I would just zone out and go in to my own world. I felt really guilty about the feelings I got* for her because of my boyfriend, I really love him a lot and couldn't have asked for a better man then him to spend my life with. I also felt like I was sinning for liking her and wouldn't want any sin to go on to her because of me liking her. I really can't help how i feel about her but it's not my fault because I can't escape who I am no matter what.

I think to my what is life, if being lesbian was a sin and isn't natural then why am I a lesbian if it's forbidden in Islam but it was in my destiny to be one. It's really hard to cope and I know they are loads of lesbian Muslims like me who have alot of trouble by coping with their feelings, especially those who are closet and have no-one to talk to.

I'm still going to go ahead and marry my boyfriend and I wouldn't leave him. But I still have these feelings about that girl and it's confusing me alot and causing me depression.
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DrawTheLine
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm a* 23 year old Muslim closet lesbian, I don't lack anything in life and my roots are from the Middle East. I've been a lesbian since the age of 13-15. I was in a relationship with this girl for 4 years but it wasn't going well, she was ignorant and greedy and bad mannered,* she was cheating on me , controlling me and abusing me I got really depressed and I've still got depression till this day. I failed my exams in school I started to go to school less. I would self harm and stay in my room all day. I had no-one to talk to as I am a closet lesbian.

I stopped eating and taking care of my self,I would feel worse when she would call me to make me jealous talking about someone new she is talking to and then she would cut the call of. I would call her back and she wouldn't answer my calls and I would just cry and lay in my bed all day calling her but she wouldn't answer. At the end I just realised she was just using me for money.

After time went by I started to feel better but as in feeling nothing anymore. The damage was done and I was broken. I stopped caring about her and wasn't bothered if we spoke or not. Then she called me once and we met up and we called of the relationship and it ended badly.

When the relationship ended I changed, I started to develop a lot of anger and would get angry very quickly, my mood swings were really bad. I also never use to swear and I started to swear a lot.

In this current day after some years, I am going to get married soon to my boyfriend who loves me and makes me happy . The first year with him I didn't think about any girl or have a desire to be with a girl because I knew I wouldn't be able to be with a girl or have a future with a girl because I was closet and afraid to look for one because of society,I didn't trust anyone. Everything was going well, I started to feel confident again, I was smiling I was happy and I couldn't ask for anything more. I would just imagine my future with my soon to be husband and having a family with kids.

In the second year of our relationship everything is still going well till I went out with my sister to do some shopping. I was just in my own world on my phone while my sister was lookin at some stuff and I soon as I looked up I saw this girl who worked at the store and she smiled at me, my heart started beat in a funny way and my body went really warm. I just pretended to look back at my phone I didn't know what else to do, then I looked back up at her and I smiled. As soon as I left the store with my cousin, i thought maybe it's nothing maybe she was just pretty. So i just left it at that and forgot about her. After some I went back to the same store just to buy some things and I saw her again and that same feeling all came back to me,she walked past me and smiled i smiled back at her and I just walked away. I couldn't believe that I saw her again, i felt really good and I was smiling through out the rest of the day.

Now whenever I would see her my feelings for her would grow and grow and I wanted to be with her. I would imagine my self with her, I would just zone out and go in to my own world. I felt really guilty about the feelings I got* for her because of my boyfriend, I really love him a lot and couldn't have asked for a better man then him to spend my life with. I also felt like I was sinning for liking her and wouldn't want any sin to go on to her because of me liking her. I really can't help how i feel about her but it's not my fault because I can't escape who I am no matter what.

I think to my what is life, if being lesbian was a sin and isn't natural then why am I a lesbian if it's forbidden in Islam but it was in my destiny to be one. It's really hard to cope and I know they are loads of lesbian Muslims like me who have alot of trouble by coping with their feelings, especially those who are closet and have no-one to talk to.

I'm still going to go ahead and marry my boyfriend and I wouldn't leave him. But I still have these feelings about that girl and it's confusing me alot and causing me depression.
Firstly, being gay is not a sin. It's perfectly natural and normal and it is okay to be attracted to the same sex. Please don't feel ashamed of this or depressed because of it. You are a good person with natural feelings that almost every single person on earth feels - attraction to other people.

Secondly, you shouldn't marry your boyfriend. It isn't fair on him to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with him. Do you think you could live the next 60+ years of your life with this secret? Do you think you could be truly happy with him considering how depressed you're feeling now when you aren't even married to him? Imagine if it was him who was in the closet, and was having fantasies about another man behind your back, whilst putting up the facade that he loves you and wants to be with you, only for you to later find out that it was all a lie and he wasn't fully devoted to you? That would hurt, a lot. So you shouldn't do it to him.

Of course, it's still your choice. However, I don't think you'll be happy if you marry him and continue to try and ignore your true feelings. Your depression won't go away because this is the cause of it, and eventually the truth will come out and the longer it goes on for, the uglier it will be.
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x_x_x
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it's all abit mad
Last edited by x_x_x; 3 months ago
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TSR Mustafa
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See a therapist , tsr aint gonna help you with this problem
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