Why guys always want to pay for the date?

I went with a guy I met in yoga. He is younger than me and he is a broke student.
With other guys, we discussed at the start of the date that I'm fine about paying for myself, it made the first and the last 2-5 minutes of the date being uselessly wasted on who would pay the tip and who would pay what. This time I just said I'm fine paying for myself, more as a general statement and not something to encourage a discussion.
The date itself was great, we both had a lot of fun. When it was time to pay he handed his card and it was declined for the whole price. He asked to try it for a half and started counting cash (he had enough), I handed my card just to pay a half while he was counting the cash, I said again that it is completely fine by me to pay my half and that was something I said right in the beginning of the date. He literally took the card out of the waitress' hand and gave her the cash....

I felt strange about it... like I understand the embarrassment and everything.... but why do guys insist on paying even if they don't really has the money... like he was ready to be in debt just for this stupid date?! Do you really think it will impress a girl?!

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Reply 1

Bio 7

It’s an old fashioned concept. If someone wants to pay for it all then fine but don’t force the matter. Some people just don’t like to be paid for in these kinds of circumstances and it will just ruin what might otherwise be a good date/outing...

Reply 2

Yahik093

Not normally, most of the times I'd do it for a drink or two but I dont like the idea of having to pay for everything just because I have a penis between my legs.

Reply 3

username1148663

Original post by Kathy89

Its traditional for us to pay on a first date so we do.....

You can get the next one 😉

Reply 4

angel.xo

a real man has no issue if you want to pay for half or even the entire meal / date it's only little boys who are insecure who violently insist to pay for the entire date

Hope you aren't seeing him again

Reply 5

Kathy89

Original post by angel.xo

I don't think it's a reason stop seeing someone... I mean he needs to grow up a bit but I can help him with that... If I take the leadership.

The main reason I want to be with him is that he is truelly polygamous, you have no idea how hard it is to find a guy who claim to be poly and doesn't mean just having sex with many partners.
* I am poly, and have never been in a serious relationship with a poly guy...
I can help him mature a bit and start talking more about things....

Reply 6

angel.xo

Original post by Kathy89

it's up to you but it depends what you need the guy for. He just seems immature
Why do you want to be in a polygamous relationship?

Reply 7

999tigger

Original post by Kathy89

Immature, inexperienced, pride and ideas about how men are meant to behave. He was also probably a bit nervous and insecure.

In his head he may be thinking if he pays he is showing he is responsible and reliable he can provide or he was treating you like a guest.

He is just finding his feet about dating.

On a darker side a certain portion of men/ boys like to pay as they feel it gets them further in the relationships and a darker side to that is the man/boy that feels they are buying you and expect something in return eventually. Its easier to do that than develop a relationship.

Must have been mortifying to have the card declined. I think the way you have stated splitting the bill sounds awkward and you should be more assertive about it to put them at their ease. I am just going on at the way you described it, but you can influence things in three ways when someone is short of money or you just want to share the cost to avoid that feeling of being bought.

1. One person buys the food the other the drinks.- other way take in turns.
2. Go somewhere cheaper.
3. If you want to split the bill then rather avoid saying im fine about paying my half because imo it could also mean you are ok in paying your own half if he cant afford to pay for it all. It creates uncertainty and is mildly patronising if you phrase it the wrong way.
What you need to say is if he doesnt mind then you always prefer to go dutch ion first/all dates and then you have set the agenda and he knows the bill will be split. If he wont take that then he is an idiot and dont eat with him. Some women are insistent on this.

If there is another date, then just pay for the meal and tell him he paid last time. That keeps it even.

Anyway thats far too much thought into this.

Reply 8

Kathy89

Original post by angel.xo

it's up to you but it depends what you need the guy for. He just seems immature
Why do you want to be in a polygamous relationship?

It's a different story I doubt anyone will understand....
but think about it, if there is only one person in the entire world who is the right one for you, the chance of meeting that person is so small it means you probably will never find that person, meaning you are probably with the wrong one anyway, right?
but if you find more than one person who is almost equally right for you, why bothering trying to pick one.
just something to think about....

About this guy.... he is 23,I am 29... he still has time to grow up... and he has some old-fashioned movie based ideas of how to be a man.... I mean, many of these things are encouraged by movies and media...and they are wrong.... at least in my point of view.

Reply 9

Like That

What a dumbar*e. Even if I was a millionaire I'd still split the bill or let her pay for the meal. I am frugal like that. :yum:

Reply 10

angel.xo

Original post by Kathy89

I think you need to understand that you will eventually find the man for you. You seem mature and you have the correct mindset. It just takes time and when you aren't looking for love it will come to you

You aren't alone and the man who is meant to be with you is probably thinking the same as you.
By all means go out with guys but don't feel sad / have negative thoughts about the one. He will come to you one day :smile:

Reply 11

angel.xo

Original post by Like That

What a dumbar*e. Even if I was a millionaire I'd still split the bill or let her pay for the meal. I am frugal like that. :yum:

I'm glad men like you exist :smile:

Reply 12

Like That

Original post by angel.xo

I'm glad men like you exist :smile:

I am also glad I exist. :tongue:

Reply 13

Zarek

I think paying half feels more like business than a social arrangement. At this stage in a relationship you want to be giving little gifts. Alternating paying work much better for me.

Reply 14

Kathy89

Original post by angel.xo

I don't have negative thoughts... it's like I don't think it is logical there is only ONE person...
why can't I be with two people who are equally right for me.

Reply 15

Kathy89

There is nothing that is more a turn off for me than a phone edict.... If a guy spends more time on the phone than with me it can't be a worse date (been on one like that).

I understand the guy, that's why I still want to be with him.

Reply 16

Kathy89

Original post by Zarek

I think paying half feels more like business than a social arrangement. At this stage in a relationship you want to be giving little gifts. Alternating paying work much better for me.

Little gifts are fine, but spending basically all you have for the next two weeks on date is completely unnecessary. I earn 3-4 times more than he does, he is barely have enough for regular day to day things (his parents are helping him pay the rent)… it is more than logical that I will pay for myself if not the entire date... and I am fine with paying even the entire date.
being financially responsible is more impressive for me than a guy who insist paying for a date.

Reply 17

angel.xo

Original post by Kathy89

I don't have negative thoughts... it's like I don't think it is logical there is only ONE person...
why can't I be with two people who are equally right for me.

love is not logical
there will always be a man who is more right to you and you will find him

Reply 18

999tigger

Original post by Zarek

I think paying half feels more like business than a social arrangement. At this stage in a relationship you want to be giving little gifts. Alternating paying work much better for me.

Not if you handle it correctly. It seems that most people cannot and like to get twisted up in this drivel.

Reply 19

Kathy89

Original post by angel.xo

love is not logical
there will always be a man who is more right to you and you will find him

So if you are now with someone and there is always someone who is better, that means you are not with the ONE... why not being with both of them if possible and you want it and accept it (all three of you)....
I've been with non-poly guys... it is complicated.... I've been with one for about 9 years... We are still best friends but not a couple... I don't want to go through this again, so I'm looking for someone who is poly.... and most of the guys who declare themselves as poly are just about having sex with many women with zero responsibility... it is not what polyamory for....