Is this rape? Help a Muslim sister out :( Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
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squeakysquirrel
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
He pressurised you into having sex. That is not consenting.

You need to ditch this man. He sounds horrible. It is only going to end badly. He does not respect you
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confuseddddd
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No it’s not rape at all, but in my opinion it is emotional blackmail. Please don’t blame him of rape, but that doesn’t mean you should stay with him, because he’s emotionally blackmailing you that if you don’t have sex with him, he will leave you
(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
Last edited by confuseddddd; 3 weeks ago
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somzee
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#4
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Sorry it's not rape at all as long as you did not say no before or whilst having sex with him it would not be classed as rape.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Alpha Gent...)
No. You had consensual sex and regretted your decision. Don’t be one of those hateful women who accuse an innocent man of rape because you can’t keep your legs closed.
thats such an awful thing to say. 'couldnt keep your legs closed??' she lost her virginity to one boy who she had been with for 3 years and was pressured into it. And she is unsure about it and confused which is why shes made this thread.


OP you said 'I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him'. as hard as it is it was consensual but he was a a**hole about it. he pressured you when you wasnt ready. Make tawba and ditch the guy. Allah is the one that brings you opportunities so ask him for forgiveness and please dont feel like your life is over now youve lost your virginity xx
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Sinnoh
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English law on rape:
"(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.
(3) Sections 75 and 76 apply to an offence under this section.
(4) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for life."

point c) is especially important in this case. Reasonably someone couldn't assume that the consent was genuine since you'd been blackmailed with the threat of separation.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by somzee)
Sorry it's not rape at all as long as you did not say no before or whilst having sex with him it would not be classed as rape.
I said no before we had it though.
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Talon
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I said no before we had it though.
Do you mean the day before or literally just before you had sex? Did you say yes after you said no?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Talon)
Do you mean the day before or literally just before you had sex? Did you say yes after you said no?
I said no the day before, but when he said that he would leave me if we didnt do it, I said yes.
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Talon
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I said no the day before, but when he said that he would leave me if we didnt do it, I said yes.
It is difficult to say without a blow by blow account of what went on. If he came to you and said "have sex with me right now or I'm leaving you" then that could be crossing the line.

What is clear is he is a pig and you should leave him.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
thats such an awful thing to say. 'couldnt keep your legs closed??' she lost her virginity to one boy who she had been with for 3 years and was pressured into it. And she is unsure about it and confused which is why shes made this thread.


OP you said 'I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him'. as hard as it is it was consensual but he was a a**hole about it. he pressured you when you wasnt ready. Make tawba and ditch the guy. Allah is the one that brings you opportunities so ask him for forgiveness and please dont feel like your life is over now youve lost your virginity xx
Thank you, but I don't know if I still love him and I don't know if I want to break up with him.
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Talon
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you, but I don't know if I still love him
If you don't know, the answer is probably 'no'.
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RV3112
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
No it's not rape.

Regretting something afterwards and feeling ashamed doesn't turn a consenting encounter into rape. And i think you know this as well. You are looking to make yourself into some sort of innocent party and it doesn't pass the laugh test.
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Anonymous #3
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It’s not rape. Its more off manipulative behaviour.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by RV3112)
No it's not rape.

Regretting something afterwards and feeling ashamed doesn't turn a consenting encounter into rape. And i think you know this as well. You are looking to make yourself into some sort of innocent party and it doesn't pass the laugh test.
I said no the day before we had it, I never wanted to do it in the first place. it was only when he said he would break up with me that I finally said yes.
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RV3112
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I said no the day before we had it, I never wanted to do it in the first place. it was only when he said he would break up with me that I finally said yes.
Why in the world do you think this is relevant? Saying no the day before has nothing to do with it.

Him threatening to break up with you makes him a jerk not a rapist, it doesn't vitiate your consent. You said yourself, you did it to stop him from leaving you. None of this means you were raped, it just means you're dating a guy who is a bit of a creep.
Last edited by RV3112; 3 weeks ago
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Moose-er
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It's not rape though it is certainly emotional blackmail and you should leave him if you feel uncomfortable with the relationship
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Anonymous #3
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I am muslim myself. I completely understand how you feel. I had sex with my boyfriend because I didn’t want to lose him or for him to lose interest because i’m not full-filling his sexual desires. I never wanted to have sex with him but i did and I regret it till this day. All i advice is that you speak to him about how you feel and repent to Allah.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Assalamualaikum

There is this white non-Muslim guy I've been dating for quite a while now (3 years). He was always super nice to me and respected my religion, whenever we went on dates, he would always plan them according to my prayer times, we thought about marriage a couple of times and said that we wouldn't mind converting for me. He has even met my parents and they've already approved him. He's really intelligent and went to a good uni (I didn't go to the same uni as him, we met through mutuals).

The relationship was very halal until recently (we were always together in public and he had never touched me, the only times we were alone was in the car when he was sending me home), but I've recently started to notice that he has been more "sexual" with me. Touching my waist, talking dirty to me through text, etc. We even kissed but I felt pressured in doing so. But one day, things went a little too far and he started pressuring me to have sex with him, I've said no many times until he said that he would leave me if I didn't do it with him. And so, I ended up doing it with him, only because I thought he was perfect for me and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so ashamed and I've seeked forgiveness from God multiple times, but I'm still so confused, I didn't know how he changed so fast and I don't want to leave him since I don't want to go through the pain of having to find another person to date. I don't know if this was rape or not because I did say yes in the end but I regret it so so much.

If this helps with anything, I'm 23 and from Indonesia but my parents are expats here, and I don't wear the hijab.
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Anonymous #1
#19
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am muslim myself. I completely understand how you feel. I had sex with my boyfriend because I didn’t want to lose him or for him to lose interest because i’m not full-filling his sexual desires. I never wanted to have sex with him but i did and I regret it till this day. All i advice is that you speak to him about how you feel and repent to Allah.
May I ask if ur still dating him?
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Royal Oak
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(Original post by Anonymous)
May I ask if ur still dating him?
Does it matter if she is? No you weren't raped but you were emotionally manipulated into having sex with this guy. He's a jerk and if you had any self-respect you wouldn't stay with him.
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