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    Hi, I’ve been a big fan of your site for a while, and I thought it was about time I joined. However, I’ve come with somewhat of an ulterior motive in that I really need some advice. The back story to it is quite long, so I would be grateful if any of you would actually read it and give me your input. Any replies would be much appreciated.
    Ok, I have always had very complex relationships with women, mainly, I figure, because of my background. For arguments sake we’ll just say my relationships have tended to be based on manipulation, cheating, and lies.
    My first one barely lasted longer than a couple of weeks because we worked out early on that we were certainly not right together. I fell into a relationship after just one month. That lasted ten months, but it was only monogamous for just under three months of that, as she cheated on me at a party with my best mate. I pushed that under the carpet for the remaining seven months until I eventually broke it off because I missed my freedom and I couldn’t have a girl who was jealous and controlling. An example of how ridiculous she was is that she caused an argument over the fact my best female friend at the time who I had a small amount of history with had the same myspace background she did. I’m not proclaiming I’m innocent here as I’m not. I did cheat on her. I did become manipulative and yes it did show me a bad side to myself I don’t want to really experience again. Following from our break up she told me she was pregnant and started a hate mail campaign against me.
    Once that ended, I fell into a sordid thing with the girl I cheated on her with. I had taken her from a guy I knew without his knowledge and I ended up sleeping with her on the second date. We ended promptly after. At this stage, I had stopped going into sixth form, I was doing drugs, smoking, binge drinking and thoroughly depressed. I was referred to a counsellor for my inability to feel particular emotions, the possibility of being bipolar, and to discuss the fact that apparently I had an overwhelming urge to find my adoptive parents. Naturally I refused to go and continued on self destruct for a further seven months. During that time I flirted with a student I was tutoring in Maths, and she went for me even at the detriment of her own relationship. How I managed to tutor a student at this point is a miracle because I spent the majority of my time paraletic on champagne and vodka. But after passing her exams she stopped speaking to me and we haven’t spoken since September last year. I also lost my best friend during this time because I was so destructive and out of control. This was when I met charlotte. She was wild and savage and I fell head over heels for her. We met in town one day after my friend had knocked himself out having fallen from a ladder. Bored to be waiting two hours I made a pass at her and we spent the day together until my mate finally turned up slightly concussed. After a period of chasing we finally fell into a relationship. I got my exam results and they weren’t what I was hoping for but I had passed and I had a job. I didn’t particularly make any effort where uni was concerned and so we went on. I became wrapped up in the relationship and I think I really loved her. I knew I had never loved any of the others, but with Charlotte I was convinced I was. Aha, she even turned me vegetarian. I had entered this wild world, with long hair, poppers in clubs, sleeping in the middle of cities on benches and in sleeping bags and not really making much sense of the anything because of the alcohol content of my blood. Then in the first week of September 2007, She had a guy friend from Canada stay over for a week. I didn’t get jealous about the fact they were sharing a room or staying up all night getting drunk together even though they had history together. I left them alone for the entire week catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. It was then Charlotte became distant and shut me out for weeks. I tried to find out what was wrong, because to me it seemed a perfect relationship. I got on with her family, the sex was amazing and I honestly thought I loved her. We didn’t even find anything to argue about. But ultimately we broke up. She claimed she was still in love with the guy she had lost her virginity to. I was gutted to be fair. I sank further into some kind of self hating period. I fooled around with others to get over her, including one particularly appealing singer, but it didn’t work out and I resigned myself to be single for ever. Which you know is somewhat of an ultimatum at 18 but I felt better believing there was something wrong with the women of the world than with me. I found that working all the hours god sent cured my problems, and so I went mad. I got promoted from being a lowly waiter to being bar manager in a private conference centre. I got taken under the wing of a senior engineer who has helped me secure a place at Liverpool to do an engineering degree. His son-in-law nurtured my computing skills and now outsources work to me, and I personally began consulting on computer systems and networking in my spare time. I had found a salvation. I had no social life, I haven’t seen most of my friends in months and I rarely do anything but work. But I figured the rewards were worth it. I have more money than I know what to do with, and I have two fantastic jobs I love and I also get to be my own boss. I meet amazing people as a bar manager and get an awful lot of contracts from merely talking to them at the bar. This has however caused severe problems in my personal life. Around December 2007, I met a fantastic girl and we became friends very quickly. However, having not so much as kissed a girl in five months, we ended up sleeping together (completely sober) one night when I stayed round at her house because she couldn’t afford to go out with her friends and I drove over to keep her company. That was nearly six months ago, and since we have become kind of seen as a couple. I sleep less so I don’t have to work less but still see her as often as I can. The problem is, despite the fact neither of us has strayed to someone else in this time. She wants a relationship with me, and no matter what I do I cannot commit to it. I come up with a different excuse each time. As a point of note, I don’t believe in marriage or any of that and I don’t want kids. But why am I finding it so so hard to commit to someone whose so wholly wonderful . I don’t understand how when we have worked at being friends and don’t want other people I find it hard to commit to having a serious relationship with her. I put it down to having such a tremulous time with women in the past. Without arrogance I’m not short of girls who I could have but I’m just not interested. Despite the fact we sleep together, I rarely feel horny when with her, even though when alone I do. Our sex, though always good, never lasts long and the foreplay is none existent. She’s incredibly attractive but I just don’t feel the desire there, BUT I don’t want her to go with anyone else. I mean really, the whole thing is insane. So your insight to it would be good. Have you yourself ever been in a similar situation? How did you resolve it? I want her in my life, I’m just not sure how. Help?
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    OK, I can't read all that, but I'm the same... and I don't know why.
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    wow. i bet it now feels very ggood to have all of that off your chest. you may want to edit and paragraph it. it makes it alot easier to read. but anyway.

    biploar... could very well be related. depression can make you insecure in feelings, attitudes, wanting to be with people, being lonely etc;. keep her as a really good friend.

    maybe tlak to her about all of this? well... maybe not all, but soem to give her a pciture of where your head is at at the moment. If I had been hurt as many times as you had been, then I would find it difficult to commit too.

    It also comes from ebing male... we're famous for not committing. but just leave it as it is... there's no rush... court her. you seem to have had lots of whirlwind romkances... try it differently... no sex... just tlkaing and dating and getting to know her...

    also are you sure your over your ex? cos u seem to have been single for only short periods. and since then maybe you've married your work?

    quote me if you want more advice/ any questions
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    maybe you feel unsure because your subconscious is still bringing uo memories fgrom the way charlotte treated you and left you feeling abit confused and unsure about what to think? maybe you're just afraid to get hurt again?
    maybe you just dont fancy this new girl? maybe you just like the thrill of the chase and almost treat it as a conquest?
    you are a bloke, i dont really know what else to say- that should just about sum itself up really:P
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    Wall-o-text?! :p:

    tl;dr

    The gist from it I get is....Get with the girl, and live happily ever after
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    Thanks for the replies

    Sorry about the lack of paragraphing, I forgot all the HTML tags as I typed it into word for spell checking.

    So to sum it up, I suppose I need to work out all the reasons I would and all the reasons I wouldn't want to be in a relationship.

    Could it be possible that I'm just wanting the best of both worlds, free to go, and yet have the comfort of a relationship with none of the complications?
    which is something of an ironic concept considering.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Could it be possible that I'm just wanting the best of both worlds, free to go, and yet have the comfort of a relationship with none of the complications?
    which is something of an ironic concept considering.
    It could be.

    But it may be you (subconsciously) protecting yourself... Last time you allowed yourself to fall for someone, you were hurt. Badly. In my opinion, the way you acted with Charlotte (not being jealous, giving her space with her friend etc) was the perfect way to act in a relationship, yet by doing so she called it off. This must have really hurt.

    As someone suggested, you may not be over her. You said you threw yourself into other women, your work and stuff. Although distractions are welcome, you gave yourself no time to get over her...

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I fooled around with others to get over her, including one particularly appealing singer, but it didn’t work out and I resigned myself to be single for ever. Which you know is somewhat of an ultimatum at 18 but I felt better believing there was something wrong with the women of the world than with me. I found that working all the hours god sent cured my problems
    Although I don't necessarily think that there is anything wrong with you (or the women of the world), I think you need to step back and look at what you want. How you feel. Do you still have feelings for Charlotte or feel you are never going to find anyone perfect / as perfect again? If so, you need to sort out your feelings. How though, I do not know (lack of personal experience relationship wise...). Otherwise you are just going to hurt the girl you are currently with. She obviously really likes you, and it seems to me you care for her but are not / can not make yourself attracted to her in a physical sense.

    I've personally always viewed sex as a very intimate thing.
    Although you "fooled" around with others that didn't necessarily mean much to you, do you think you view it as an intimate act between 2 people who love each other? If so, perhaps you're subconsciously not being attracted to her so sex is "just" sex. Enjoyable, but meaningless?

    I don't know, just throwing suggestions around.

    Hope it works out though *hugs*

    P.S. Welcome to TSR!
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    <p>Thank you for the welcome </p>

    <p>To answer your question I have mixed views of sex. I have real trouble ever referring to it as "making love". Honestly, Im cringing typing it. I enjoy sex, obviously or I wouldn't do it. But I can see it has a dark side and can be very damaging. Having fooled with so many women, I flat out refuse to take anyones virginity because I know it would end up me hurting them. I see sex as a feel good thing really and I try to be as good at it as I possibly can be owing to a god awful first time.</p>

    <p>I quickly get bored of things, like my bar management job. I have had it about eight months, and I'm already handing in my resignation letter even though the salary is great and I'm getting bonuses each month. I don't even have a hold on a new job yet. I suppose that throws my staying power into question and makes people wary. </p>

    <p>I have a fixed idea of the perfect women in my head. And it's an odd image. Like Karen Brady on the apprentice the other day had me drooling. I think I'm drawn to that raw untamed energy of a powerful woman. Whilst challenging in some ways, my friend doesn't have so much untamed energy per se. As in, social influences affect her where as I'm more drawn to the outcasts who freely flout it. I always imagined we'd meet in a coffee shop. And me and charlotte did, so I don't know if I'm holding that image in my head and killing anything I could possibly have with anyone else</p>

    <p>It's very frustrating. I don't know if I'm making up for lost time as I was bullied throughout high school and was 16 before even kissing someone and am just not mentally ready to commit, or if my current situation really has no future even though I could quite happily go on like I am doing if she was willing to fall into that pseudo-relationship. But she's not and holding her back isn't fair. Someone tried kissing her last time she went out to a club, and she came back feeling terribly guilty, and having being in a polygonmy relationship for eight months was completely unconcerned about it even though I teased her. </p>

    <p>I find myself flirting with women a lot, even when buying petrol. So maybe I have hang up issues about how I view myself. Maybe I need constant attention from women even though I have no enthusiasm for sex at the moment</p>

    <p> Maybe all I can do is ride it out </p>
    <p>Real big thanks for listening and the virtual hugs </p>
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    It sounds a little bit like you need to figure out exactly what you want before you go any further.

    For example, do you see Charlotte as someone you could stay with 'forever' and be happy like that? Or do you assume that you will be together for a while before you break off and find someone else? I guess what I'm saying is that the reason you probably feel like you can't make any commitments is because you don't know what you want in the first place, so it may scare you to think that by making a promise to someone else it feels like you can't change your mind at all even though you haven't made it up in the first place. You can tell me to shuttup if I'm wrong.

    Also, if you can't commit this time, it's not the end of the world. Distractions and things are helpful for focusing your ideas in other areas of life as long as you don't completely block out your feelings about commitment. I guess it's just taking the time to be selfish and see exactly what you're looking for - Maybe some cute girl in a coffee shop who doesn't want kids either. Maybe you've found her, maybe you haven't. Don't assume so soon that the problem is with you, step back and assess your situation. It sounds like you change your mind a lot if you get bored quickly. Have you ever talked about any of this with her?
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    **** committing just **** as many girls as possible i hate relationships
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    What you need to do is write down the things you want in little steps e.g. Spend more time just spending time with her, not just sex. Buy her a spontaneous gift. etc.
    When I first got with my girlfriend of 2 years I didnt get horny over the thought of her and I really felt deeply for her. She is very attractive, that wasn't the problem.
    After a while that feeling faded and we're now happy as ever.

    I'm going to level with you, this is going to sound the most pointless stupid advise you've heard all day but it really works if you do it right:

    Decide what you want. Forget how you feel, what you think, everything else. Take what you want. Just do it.

    Now really really think about those words. Read them slowly. It sounds pointless at first but every person is capable of lifting themselves out of their thoughts and feelings and taking any action, every time.
    Will power is severely underestimated. Dont make that mistake. You say you want her in your life, and ideally you want to feel for her so that you can have a proper relationship. Well you can. Take little steps as I said above and "Just Commit."

    Its my 'Just do it' philosophy. Psych yourself up, ignore negative feelings. Think about it:
    a) It is possible for what you want to happen.
    b) It will only happen if YOU do something about it.
    Try as you might but you can't deny that the only way to get what you want is to just do it.

    Word of warning: If you do manage to psych yourself up and take action, the worst thing that can happen is that you get knocked back down. By following 'Just do it ' philosophy it's like climbing up a cliff. Once you're there you can only take so many knocks before you crash all the way back down again.

    Here's how to avoid it: Once you're there shrug off every negative thought, comment, action and just be the person you want to be. You clearly care for her so put that into your actions. She will be happy if you succeed, so do it. If you do crash you can try again.
 
 
 
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