Am I using her for sex? Should I stop it?

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TripleTommy
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#1
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Hi,

I split up with my ex girlfriend about a year ago and since then I’ve not really had a lot of sexual activity of any sort.

I decided to turn to Tinder as my options were limited; for some reason I didn’t have a lot of luck. I’m not unattractive by any stretch, just not the most flattering photo. I did match with one girl who was about 10 minutes away, we started talking and she seemed pretty funny and open.

The thing is, I don’t find her attractive at all. She says she finds me attractive and I say the same thing back. We agreed to an FWB situation and to see how things go; we met the first time and ended up having sex. It was wasn’t the best sex but I was so h*rny at that point I decided to go through with it.

We had sex again the following day, which was better, but every time after we did it and when I was walking home I just felt guilty as I don’t actually find her attractive as I said.

I decided to cut off contact but the other day I couldn’t resist anymore and it was on my mind so I decided to contact her again. She was excited and we agreed to have sex again. I want to try and get in as much sexual experience as possible before I go to uni.

I don’t have any plans to be with her long term and plan to cut it off before I go to uni, but part of me feels what I’m doing is wrong when I’m not attracted to her and feel guilt-ridden afterwards.

Any advice on what I should do?
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Anonymous #1
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yeahh the best thing you could do is cut her off because you technically did lie to her. maybe just tell her that you changed your mind and are not too sure about the situation anymore so you would rather leave her alone. otherwise youre misleading her and it wont end well for either of you
speaking from experience here, honesty is the best policy and NEVER ignore what your gut is telling you.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
yeahh the best thing you could do is cut her off because you technically did lie to her. maybe just tell her that you changed your mind and are not too sure about the situation anymore so you would rather leave her alone. otherwise youre misleading her and it wont end well for either of you
speaking from experience here, honesty is the best policy and NEVER ignore what your gut is telling you.
Basically, I want to have sex as it’s been too long but I’m not physically attracted to her so is that wrong?
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Retired_Messiah
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If you've not made it clear to her that it's short term, then you need to. Your physical attraction to her isn't strictly relevant if you're fine with having sex with her either way, but she needs to know that you have no intention of committing so she can make a decision as to whether that's what she wants.

Having sex with people you're not attracted to is fine. Leading them on is not.
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anosmianAcrimony
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I don't see an honesty problem here. You suggested that you become FWB, and that's what you're doing, and she seems enthusiastic about that. Yes, you are using her for sex; that is what FWB's do. If that makes you feel guilty, by all means describe your real feelings to her - that you don't find her attractive and you feel guilty using her - and become just platonic friends or end contact.

Being physically attracted to a person is kind of arbitrary and doesn't actually mean that much. If you said you were attracted and you aren't, that's dishonest, but I don't see a problem with being FWBs with someone you're not actually attracted to.

That said FWB relationships are generally kind of unhealthy regardless.
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username402722
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Hello Mr Johnson, nice to know your username.
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londonmyst
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Tinder is an app that focuses on user hookups.
You are both consenting adults who have chosen a short term fwb.
It sounds like she is getting the same benefits that you do.
Everyone knows that a ons and fwb have a limited shelf life.
As long as you are not telling her lies or doing anything illegal, there's nothing to feel bad about.
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Lxllipop
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(Original post by TripleTommy)
Hi,

I split up with my ex girlfriend about a year ago and since then I’ve not really had a lot of sexual activity of any sort.

I decided to turn to Tinder as my options were limited; for some reason I didn’t have a lot of luck. I’m not unattractive by any stretch, just not the most flattering photo. I did match with one girl who was about 10 minutes away, we started talking and she seemed pretty funny and open.

The thing is, I don’t find her attractive at all. She says she finds me attractive and I say the same thing back. We agreed to an FWB situation and to see how things go; we met the first time and ended up having sex. It was wasn’t the best sex but I was so h*rny at that point I decided to go through with it.

We had sex again the following day, which was better, but every time after we did it and when I was walking home I just felt guilty as I don’t actually find her attractive as I said.

I decided to cut off contact but the other day I couldn’t resist anymore and it was on my mind so I decided to contact her again. She was excited and we agreed to have sex again. I want to try and get in as much sexual experience as possible before I go to uni.

I don’t have any plans to be with her long term and plan to cut it off before I go to uni, but part of me feels what I’m doing is wrong when I’m not attracted to her and feel guilt-ridden afterwards.

Any advice on what I should do?
If she was down for FWB then I guess, technically you haven’t done anything wrong as she will know it’s short term. However, females do generally get more attached than males if she’s like that, she probably will feel hurt, confused and insecure if you tell her the truth about you not fancying her. However, you could just let her down gently and say you need to focus on uni? I know it’s not the best thing to do but I think it’s better than upsetting her as it could stay with her for a while. Hope this helps, by the way you’re not a bad person, you made it clear it was FWB, you maybe could’ve gone about it a little better and maybe not slept with her more than once if you didn’t feel like it, but it was your choice
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by TripleTommy)
Basically, I want to have sex as it’s been too long but I’m not physically attracted to her so is that wrong?
look, im gonna be honest with you. think of yourself in the situation. would you WANT to be used? using people is not okay, in any context, out of a basic decency approach. it's selfish and you have to somewhat lie to people in order to use them and then leave. i highly doubt if you told her "look i just want to have sex before i go to uni and i'll dip once im at uni or find someone better than you or whatever, you're so so temporary and i just want to nut" she wil stick around, let alone sleep with you. You need to realise that girls are not there for you as "experience", these are humans with feelings and they are worth more than being used for you to dump your *** in them and use them for sex then move on once youve had your fair share. she might like you, she might not think of you as mere experience. maybe in her mind she's gained a new friend. it's so transactional and people are not objects. You need to be 100% clear with your intentions, and honestly im just saying from the perspective of most self respecting girls.
someone said that shes getting the same benefits you are which i highly doubt she is because if youre using her to learn and gain experience with the female anatomy, i doubt you know enough to please her properly. Just do the girl a favour and leave her alone. Don't tell people you find them attractive when you dont. Don't use people for your own selfish needs, and most of all don't lie to yourself by justifying actions you wouldn't want done to you. I hope you can see where i'm coming from even though i doubt you will.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
If you've not made it clear to her that it's short term, then you need to. Your physical attraction to her isn't strictly relevant if you're fine with having sex with her either way, but she needs to know that you have no intention of committing so she can make a decision as to whether that's what she wants.

Having sex with people you're not attracted to is fine. Leading them on is not.
I don’t think I’m leading her on and I’ve said it’s purely an FWB thing and she’s happy with that.

The thing I feel bad about is she says she’s attracted to me etc and I just kinda say it as well.

Once we’ve finished sex I don’t really want to kiss her even though she still does so I feel awful but I don’t know what to do.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
I don't see an honesty problem here. You suggested that you become FWB, and that's what you're doing, and she seems enthusiastic about that. Yes, you are using her for sex; that is what FWB's do. If that makes you feel guilty, by all means describe your real feelings to her - that you don't find her attractive and you feel guilty using her - and become just platonic friends or end contact.

Being physically attracted to a person is kind of arbitrary and doesn't actually mean that much. If you said you were attracted and you aren't, that's dishonest, but I don't see a problem with being FWBs with someone you're not actually attracted to.

That said FWB relationships are generally kind of unhealthy regardless.
I think she’d be very hurt if I said I’m not attracted to her and even though I think in the back of my mind I should cut it off, I know I’ll end up going back to her when I’m in the mood.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Tinder is an app that focuses on user hookups.
You are both consenting adults who have chosen a short term fwb.
It sounds like she is getting the same benefits that you do.
Everyone knows that a ons and fwb have a limited shelf life.
As long as you are not telling her lies or doing anything illegal, there's nothing to feel bad about.
There’s nothing illegal about it and the only lies I’ve told is saying I’m attracted to her and if I weren’t so busy I’d like to pursue a relationship when she mentioned it and I’d have no intention of doing that.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by Lxllipop)
If she was down for FWB then I guess, technically you haven’t done anything wrong as she will know it’s short term. However, females do generally get more attached than males if she’s like that, she probably will feel hurt, confused and insecure if you tell her the truth about you not fancying her. However, you could just let her down gently and say you need to focus on uni? I know it’s not the best thing to do but I think it’s better than upsetting her as it could stay with her for a while. Hope this helps, by the way you’re not a bad person, you made it clear it was FWB, you maybe could’ve gone about it a little better and maybe not slept with her more than once if you didn’t feel like it, but it was your choice
The last thing I want to do is hurt her or make her feel insecure but the dilemma is I want sex and I just don’t find her overly attractive.

I’d like to have more sexual experiences before uni and I know it’s a ticket to that but I’m just overly confused.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
look, im gonna be honest with you. think of yourself in the situation. would you WANT to be used? using people is not okay, in any context, out of a basic decency approach. it's selfish and you have to somewhat lie to people in order to use them and then leave. i highly doubt if you told her "look i just want to have sex before i go to uni and i'll dip once im at uni or find someone better than you or whatever, you're so so temporary and i just want to nut" she wil stick around, let alone sleep with you. You need to realise that girls are not there for you as "experience", these are humans with feelings and they are worth more than being used for you to dump your *** in them and use them for sex then move on once youve had your fair share. she might like you, she might not think of you as mere experience. maybe in her mind she's gained a new friend. it's so transactional and people are not objects. You need to be 100% clear with your intentions, and honestly im just saying from the perspective of most self respecting girls.
someone said that shes getting the same benefits you are which i highly doubt she is because if youre using her to learn and gain experience with the female anatomy, i doubt you know enough to please her properly. Just do the girl a favour and leave her alone. Don't tell people you find them attractive when you dont. Don't use people for your own selfish needs, and most of all don't lie to yourself by justifying actions you wouldn't want done to you. I hope you can see where i'm coming from even though i doubt you will.
I see exactly where you’re coming from and I agree but how do I even approach it?

She said she wants sex as well but I feel as if because she’s actually attracted and I’m not she deserves better? But I also want to have sex so it’s a dilemma.

I know she’s not an object and has feelings and I’ve tried to be transparent as possible and would never want to hurt her. I’m just not interested in a relationship and don’t even really see her as a friend as such so it’s a very complicated situation.
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sunshinehss
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Yeahhhh I would just cut it off at this point.
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Shikixo
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You're not using her. She agreed to have sex. You agreed to be friends with benefits. You never told her that you wanted a relationship. Yes, she may find you attractive but that might not mean she wants to be your girlfriend. Unless she told you that she is interested in you in that way, you're stressing for no reason. You made an agreement with her where its sex with no feelings involved. If she didn't want that, she wouldn't of had sex with you.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by sunshinehss)
Yeahhhh I would just cut it off at this point.
Cut it off for what? And say what?

I’ve already tried cutting it off once but my sexual urges made me go back. She’s enthusiastic too.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by TripleTommy)
Cut it off for what? And say what?

I’ve already tried cutting it off once but my sexual urges made me go back. She’s enthusiastic too.
Oof, you've dug yourself a hole buddy.

Have been exactly in your situation and I have to say, my urges got the best of me. Once we've had sex, I wouldn't really want to bother with her anymore. But I guess if you both agreed to it as FWB situation, there's nothing wrong with that now, is there?
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sunshinehss
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Lool well stay feeling guilty then? Idk you could be honest with her then she might dead it but there's also the possibility that she doesn't care and is also just doing what f buddy does 🤷🏾*♀️
(Original post by TripleTommy)
Cut it off for what? And say what?

I’ve already tried cutting it off once but my sexual urges made me go back. She’s enthusiastic too.
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TripleTommy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Oof, you've dug yourself a hole buddy.

Have been exactly in your situation and I have to say, my urges got the best of me. Once we've had sex, I wouldn't really want to bother with her anymore. But I guess if you both agreed to it as FWB situation, there's nothing wrong with that now, is there?
I’m exactly the same - like when we’re having sex and in the buildup I’m into it and turned on but as soon as it’s over I don’t even really want to kiss her as there’s no sexual attraction there.

Really conflicted over what to do.
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