In my last post, I was advised to go GP about my issues and from then on, I’ve been admitted to cognitive behavioural therapy for Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).
Tbh I don’t know why my life has become like this. Never in a million years did I think I would hate myself like this and I never thought it would my productivity in school or life in general. The school year has ended and I wasn’t able to complete any of my coursework. My start at sixth form was **** and so was the ending when I failed all my a-levels which crushed me to the point where I had a complete mental breakdown in front of my family and argued with them when they found out I failed. This has never happened in my life and I know it won’t be last. I tried to ask for help but I just bottle it up because I felt I would have broken down in tears from the pent up stress and feeling of constant defeat. This year the fear of failure was hanging over my head and felt like no matter what I did I would just fail and I let it ruin my future.
My dad wants me to go uni this September but I have failed everything so there no way I can go this year. He keeps bringing up all my cousins who have graduated and the pressure is suffocating me. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost and I really don’t wanna live to see how this will end because life is so hard because of my decisions.
Like everyone after GCSEs, I thought I was gonna pass my ‘a-levels’ and go straight to uni to Graduate. When the actual fact is that I had NO IDEA what profession I was going to end up in, no realistic career pathways I was interested in. I was just on a train of what society said to do but now I have become one of the people that ended up falling off the train so I’m stranded in the wilderness of confusion. I don’t understand what the point of living of my life if I was going to end up this way. I would rather be dead tbh. It’s painful knowing my life ended up like this.
Yeah that’s it really.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much currently.
Regarding your dad, it isn't his life. This is your life. Take this time to work on getting your mental health back to where it needs to be or I can almost guarantee you will struggle at university. It's OK to take the long way round, loads of people have done it - myself included. It gives you life experience. Take it in stride.
If you really are unsafe and you're wanting to harm yourself, I would seek help. Go to A&E. You don't have to struggle through this alone. Things can, and will, get better. But you need to give it a chance to.