Kissed his friend, what do I do now? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
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So basically, I've had a 'thing' with a guy for about a year now, who I really really liked. We kissed a few times over a year ago, but never really spoke about it. He's given me really mixed signals for the past year, sometimes flirting with me and asking to meet up, but always cancelled plans we made and sometimes went weeks without speaking to me.

So I accepted that maybe we were just friends, who had kissed a few times and that he wasn't interested in me, so at a party, I kissed one of his friends - I was upset and had a bit to drink. The other guy has found out, and has told me he hates me and never wants to speak to me again and told me he actually liked me. I've apologised countless times and explained my feelings but he's said there's nothing I can do to fix it, but I really want to.

I know what I did wasn't right, and I feel absolutely terrible about it, but is there any way I could get him to forgive me? I'm giving him space for now as it only went down yesterday, but I really don't want to lose him... any advice would be really appreciated !!
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kurro
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#2
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Just give him time.

But it was his fault for giving mixed signals and not even doing anything. You could have also acted on your feelings too, you don't always have to wait on the guy to act.
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Anonymous #1
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Yeah absolutely, I'm no good at talking about my feelings directly but I think this has taught me that that's something I really need to work on instead of just hinting all the time
(Original post by kurro)
Just give him time.

But it was his fault for giving mixed signals and not even doing anything. You could have also acted on your feelings too, you don't always have to wait on the guy to act.
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Bluemonkey14
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So basically, I've had a 'thing' with a guy for about a year now, who I really really liked. We kissed a few times over a year ago, but never really spoke about it. He's given me really mixed signals for the past year, sometimes flirting with me and asking to meet up, but always cancelled plans we made and sometimes went weeks without speaking to me.

So I accepted that maybe we were just friends, who had kissed a few times and that he wasn't interested in me, so at a party, I kissed one of his friends - I was upset and had a bit to drink. The other guy has found out, and has told me he hates me and never wants to speak to me again and told me he actually liked me. I've apologised countless times and explained my feelings but he's said there's nothing I can do to fix it, but I really want to.

I know what I did wasn't right, and I feel absolutely terrible about it, but is there any way I could get him to forgive me? I'm giving him space for now as it only went down yesterday, but I really don't want to lose him... any advice would be really appreciated !!
its really good that you have realised your mistake as you got carried away at that moment. if you have told your guy and you apologized to him, then you have done your part. He should forgive you if he really likes you
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shadowdweller
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Personally I don't think you've done anything wrong - you're not together, and you didn't even realise he liked you! You're free to kiss whoever you want, and if you thought you were just friends, there's no reason to expect that kissing his friend would have hurt him.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for, and if anything he should be apologising to you for overreacting so much.
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MidgetFever
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You weren't anything exclusive, so you haven't really done anything wrong. This probably was something that could have been spoken about earlier though, if you'd gone a whole year with mixed signals.
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mrtom616
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You haven't done anything wrong here. But now might be a good time to remind you that people are not mind readers. If you like someone just tell them. The worst that will happen is he will say thanks but I don't like you in that way, just as a friend. That's not the end of the world. However this all only works in hindsight, so for now just give him some space.

(Original post by shadowdweller)

I don't think you have anything to apologise for, and if anything he should be apologising to you for overreacting so much.
I wouldn't say he's overreacting, and he definitely shouldn't apologise for his feelings. For all you know he actually liked this person but just didn't know how to process those feelings, just like OP, and now he feels betrayed.
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shadowdweller
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(Original post by mrtom616)
I wouldn't say he's overreacting, and he definitely shouldn't apologise for his feelings. For all you know he actually liked this person but just didn't know how to process those feelings, just like OP, and now he feels betrayed.
Him being hurt, fair enough, he doesn't need to apologise for that. Telling her that he hates her never wants to speak to her again is a definite overreaction, however, and he 100% should apologise for that.

I'm not suggesting that he should remain friends with her if he's too hurt to, but that's not an okay thing to say to someone.
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chibibotto
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I don't think you had anything to be apologetic about because you weren't officially in a relationship. As he's been giving you mixed signals, you both really need to talk about it.
And if he doesn't want to talk through the issue (you said he sometimes doesn't contact you for weeks) then that is saying something about whether or not he values your relationship.
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mrtom616
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(Original post by shadowdweller)
Him being hurt, fair enough, he doesn't need to apologise for that. Telling her that he hates her never wants to speak to her again is a definite overreaction, however, and he 100% should apologise for that.

I'm not suggesting that he should remain friends with her if he's too hurt to, but that's not an okay thing to say to someone.
My bad, was skim reading and didn't really process the hating etc. Either way though, people do have different reactions to feeling hurt and betrayed, so this may just be his way of putting up a wall and defending himself from it, which is understandable. Not a healthy or productive way to go about it, but it is what it is and he is who he is.

OP, if that's the stance he has decided to take, there is very little you are going to do to change his mind. Only he is going to be able to do that and its going to take some time, if at all. Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, can be fleeting, and someone who was your best friend yesterday could be your worse enemy tomorrow. If you want some advice, mourn the loss of your friendship. Do whatever it takes. Watch a Nicholas Sparks movie. Cry to your other friends/family members/whatever you have as a support network. Eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's or other favourite treat. Break something (very therapeutic, though make sure its yours and you don't want it anymore).

Then, after however long it takes, and this I can promise you, you will feel ok again. It may take a long time, but it will happen. You will come out the other side of this hurricane of emotions and be a better person for it. This is a life lesson we all will have to go through, and its how we deal with these lessons that defines who we are.
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londonmyst
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#11
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That guy sounds like a jerk or something worse.
You are single- you can kiss or hug a man without needing anyone else's permission.
He is a friend that blows hot & cold on you, arranges to meet up then cancels and then acts like a jealous husband when you kiss someone else.
When you apologise you are just reinforcing his perceptions that he has the right to control you, throw a temper tantrum, say that he hates you and threaten never to speak to you again.
Looks like you've dodged a bullet there.

Guys that behave like that make their spouses lives miserable, stop them having contact with friends and fill up both prisons & women's refuges.
If he never speaks to you again, that means someone else will be the target of his unpleasant behaviour.
I feel sorry for the woman that guy dates or marries.
I hope it won't be anyone I know.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks everyone, your comments have helped a lot! After talking about it a lot I've realised that I didn't owe him anything - if he wanted my loyalty he should have asked me to be his girlfriend or expressed how he felt (and I should have done too). I think the things he's said to me have made me feel worse than I should do, especially as the whole conversation we had was over text, not even in person, which made it even harder. I'm going to give him space, and if he reaches out I'll be there but I think I have to accept he might not forgive me... this is definitely something that I'm going to learn from
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Anonymous #1
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Yeah I totally understand how he's feeling, I would probably feel exactly the same. I've said everything that needs to be said, so it's in his hands now really and I'm just going to try and enjoy the summer the best I can and get my mind off it. Thank you for your help!
(Original post by mrtom616)
My bad, was skim reading and didn't really process the hating etc. Either way though, people do have different reactions to feeling hurt and betrayed, so this may just be his way of putting up a wall and defending himself from it, which is understandable. Not a healthy or productive way to go about it, but it is what it is and he is who he is.

OP, if that's the stance he has decided to take, there is very little you are going to do to change his mind. Only he is going to be able to do that and its going to take some time, if at all. Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, can be fleeting, and someone who was your best friend yesterday could be your worse enemy tomorrow. If you want some advice, mourn the loss of your friendship. Do whatever it takes. Watch a Nicholas Sparks movie. Cry to your other friends/family members/whatever you have as a support network. Eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's or other favourite treat. Break something (very therapeutic, though make sure its yours and you don't want it anymore).

Then, after however long it takes, and this I can promise you, you will feel ok again. It may take a long time, but it will happen. You will come out the other side of this hurricane of emotions and be a better person for it. This is a life lesson we all will have to go through, and its how we deal with these lessons that defines who we are.
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Anonymous #1
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Thank you, this makes me feel better! The way he reacted made me feel as if I'd cheated or something and so I started to think what I'd done was totally wrong. It's definitely not the best thing to do, but at the time I didn't believe he was interested in me when I thought I'd made quite clear how much I liked him
(Original post by shadowdweller)
Personally I don't think you've done anything wrong - you're not together, and you didn't even realise he liked you! You're free to kiss whoever you want, and if you thought you were just friends, there's no reason to expect that kissing his friend would have hurt him.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for, and if anything he should be apologising to you for overreacting so much.
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lionheart27
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Sounds like you kissed him friend to make him jealous and it backfired
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Anonymous #1
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That's what I'm counting on, I like to think he knows me well enough to know that I'd never intentionally hurt him or anyone. Hopefully, he realises thank you!
(Original post by Bluemonkey14)
its really good that you have realised your mistake as you got carried away at that moment. if you have told your guy and you apologized to him, then you have done your part. He should forgive you if he really likes you
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Anonymous #1
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That really wasn't my intention, it was just an in the moment kind of thing
(Original post by lionheart27)
Sounds like you kissed him friend to make him jealous and it backfired
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shadowdweller
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you, this makes me feel better! The way he reacted made me feel as if I'd cheated or something and so I started to think what I'd done was totally wrong. It's definitely not the best thing to do, but at the time I didn't believe he was interested in me when I thought I'd made quite clear how much I liked him
You've definitely not cheated, nor is it totally wrong - the impression your posts gives is that you're single, and you and him have only kissed a couple of times and you didn't know he was interested; so what would be wrong with a single person kissing someone else?
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lionheart27
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That really wasn't my intention, it was just an in the moment kind of thing
When people are drunk they actually act the most true to themselves
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