Mental Health Issues in Halls - Body Dysmorphia Mainly Watch
I'm (hopefully) going to uni in September which I am really excited for, but am also absolutely bricking it. I am currently 19 but began having MH issues at 12, I'm doing very well at the moment in retrospective but am scared about living in Halls in a flat of however many other people and how to cope with constantly being around others.
I do still suffer from depression and sometimes really just need to be alone and to not talk to anyone or see anyone, but I think I can probably manage that. What I'm more worried about is my crippling body dysmorphia, I used to have anorexia but have been healthy for about 2 years and now have a very stable relationship with food, but with my body it's still hell.
I 24/7 just feel very uncomfortable being inside this body but sometimes will have huuuuge dysmorphia 'attacks' I call them where I suddenly feel like my skin is crawling, I can feel the massive deposits of fat on my body and can feel them moving and wiggling and wobbling and all that and am just extremely hyper-aware of how I *may* look like this or like that or at this angle or that angle or in this lighting or that lighting etc. I'm pretty much always hyper-aware as it is and can usually feel my skin crawling when people, especially other young people, look or talk to me because I'm just thinking about how ugly and fat and horrible I'm looking to them.
I really want to come out of my shell and become the person I've always dreamed of being who seems to be locked shut tight inside, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I'm hoping there are other people here with BD who can help me out, how do i cope with other people constantly being able to see me and interact with me? Even when I'm looking my grimest, how do I cope during dysmorphia attacks where it feels like I can't even function, I won't have access to a toilet or food directly in my little room and will have to escape to do those things during the attacks, which last anywhere from 30 minutes to a whole day.
Talking of the toilet, I also have permanent damage to my bladder because of damage to my kidneys in the worst part of anorexia, I go to the toilet about 20 times a day easy, and especially at night I dread as it takes anywhere from half an hour to two hours to fall asleep, with getting up to pee a tiny amount every 5 or 10 minutes, as a tiny amount feels like I'm about to wee myself, don't want to annoy everyone getting up and making noise so much when everyone is trying to sleep. Feeling pretty doomed.