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My boyfriend is socially awkward
I’ve been dating for 7 months a 30 year old man who suffers from anxiety, ADHD, Obsessive compulsive disorder and he suspects that he’s bipolar too. I’m a 19 years old female and I have anxiety, depression and socialphobia.
His social skills are really poor, people often think that he have autism because he does a lot of eye contact (makes people feel uncomfortable), lack of common sense, weird body gestures (he calps weirdly like a baby), only laughs about politic jokes that only him finds funny, boring conversations (monologues, obsession with some topics) and sometimes he seems insensitive about other people’s feelings. I introduced him to my family and my mom isn’t happy with our relationship cuz thinks he’s not “normal“ and have serious mental issues and handicapped (besides, she thinks Im acting like his mother and he’s being manipulative). Obvsiously, my mom would prefer a more good-looking, stronger, funnier younger and healthy boy for me to protect me and not me protecting him like he’s my child (i’m really sensitive, shy and insecure too). My mom finds his conversations really boring and serious.
I had a breakdown recently because of his insensivity, coldness, exaggerated feelings, his anxiety attacks and obsession with a certain girl (he was constantly talking about his first love, how she was beautiful and told me that she was the love of his life and comparing me with her, like his feelings for us, our clothes and music taste who made me feel insecure), he said that it was better if we never met and go back to my original country and that made me feel really sad, later he apologized and said that he talked about his past because he trusts me and thought that I deserved better. He likes to joke about things that hurt me, like saying that he only dated me for fun and prefer older girls, that only gave me attention cuz felt pity for me and my problems and I’m a bad girlfriend and I believe because I’m a really insecure person... Now he says I’m the woman of his life and feels very guilty and sad about what happened and thought that comparing his feelings for me and his first love was the best thing he could say because she was the woman that he loved the most but sincerely I thought really annoying he mentioning everyday her name, especially in love messages cuz made me feel second best and think that maybe he still have feelings for her, I find that weird cuz when I met him he said that he woman he loved the most was a friend of him from college but ok, maybe he changed his mind. We have many fights because our insecurities and he likes to play the victim role and hurts me verbally. Idk what do, my friends don’t like him and think that I should end this relationship. Nevertheless, he’s really caring and sweet, says everyday how he likes me and that I’m pretty, he’s my best friend and tries to help me in everything and he have a above-average intelligence but his poor social skills make me feel insecure because he’s always comparing me with other girls, sometimes contradicts himself and says things that hurt me unintentionally. Sorry for my bad english
His social skills are really poor, people often think that he have autism because he does a lot of eye contact (makes people feel uncomfortable), lack of common sense, weird body gestures (he calps weirdly like a baby), only laughs about politic jokes that only him finds funny, boring conversations (monologues, obsession with some topics) and sometimes he seems insensitive about other people’s feelings. I introduced him to my family and my mom isn’t happy with our relationship cuz thinks he’s not “normal“ and have serious mental issues and handicapped (besides, she thinks Im acting like his mother and he’s being manipulative). Obvsiously, my mom would prefer a more good-looking, stronger, funnier younger and healthy boy for me to protect me and not me protecting him like he’s my child (i’m really sensitive, shy and insecure too). My mom finds his conversations really boring and serious.
I had a breakdown recently because of his insensivity, coldness, exaggerated feelings, his anxiety attacks and obsession with a certain girl (he was constantly talking about his first love, how she was beautiful and told me that she was the love of his life and comparing me with her, like his feelings for us, our clothes and music taste who made me feel insecure), he said that it was better if we never met and go back to my original country and that made me feel really sad, later he apologized and said that he talked about his past because he trusts me and thought that I deserved better. He likes to joke about things that hurt me, like saying that he only dated me for fun and prefer older girls, that only gave me attention cuz felt pity for me and my problems and I’m a bad girlfriend and I believe because I’m a really insecure person... Now he says I’m the woman of his life and feels very guilty and sad about what happened and thought that comparing his feelings for me and his first love was the best thing he could say because she was the woman that he loved the most but sincerely I thought really annoying he mentioning everyday her name, especially in love messages cuz made me feel second best and think that maybe he still have feelings for her, I find that weird cuz when I met him he said that he woman he loved the most was a friend of him from college but ok, maybe he changed his mind. We have many fights because our insecurities and he likes to play the victim role and hurts me verbally. Idk what do, my friends don’t like him and think that I should end this relationship. Nevertheless, he’s really caring and sweet, says everyday how he likes me and that I’m pretty, he’s my best friend and tries to help me in everything and he have a above-average intelligence but his poor social skills make me feel insecure because he’s always comparing me with other girls, sometimes contradicts himself and says things that hurt me unintentionally. Sorry for my bad english
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He sounds really immature for a 30-year-old man. He seems to be constantly putting you down and then, suddenly, is like, "oh no i'm sorry plz plz imsosorryomg" but then literally turns around and does it again. He can't keep excusing it and you shouldn't stand for it.
From what you say, it seems like he's not over his "first love" or whatever he's talking about. He shouldn't be regularly bringing up his ex in conversation like that, especially if he's COMPARING you to her.
You're only 19 and you're with an immature guy like that? I say you can do MUCH better.
From what you say, it seems like he's not over his "first love" or whatever he's talking about. He shouldn't be regularly bringing up his ex in conversation like that, especially if he's COMPARING you to her.
You're only 19 and you're with an immature guy like that? I say you can do MUCH better.
(edited 4 years ago)
Hey, thanks for answering 
Yahh, he’s really immature, emotionally he’s like 15 and is very dependent from his parents.
He said that said those things because he thought that I deserve a better person, a boyfriend without problems, healthier and stronger, he said that he wants me to be happy but can’t leave me cuz I’m the person he loves.
I thought the same but he liked other girls after, he was 14 when fell in love with her and when we met he talked constantly about other girl he liked, so I’m confused.
Yahh, he’s really immature, emotionally he’s like 15 and is very dependent from his parents.
He said that said those things because he thought that I deserve a better person, a boyfriend without problems, healthier and stronger, he said that he wants me to be happy but can’t leave me cuz I’m the person he loves.
I thought the same but he liked other girls after, he was 14 when fell in love with her and when we met he talked constantly about other girl he liked, so I’m confused.
Original post by Lilli22
He sounds really immature for a 30-year-old man. He seems to be constantly putting you down and then, suddenly, is like, "oh no i'm sorry plz plz imsosorryomg" but then literally turns around and does it again. He can't keep excusing it and you shouldn't stand for it.
From what you say, it seems like he's not over his "first love" or whatever he's talking about. He shouldn't be regularly bringing up his ex in conversation like that, especially if he's COMPARING you to her.
You're only 19 and you're with an immature guy like that? I say you can do MUCH better.
From what you say, it seems like he's not over his "first love" or whatever he's talking about. He shouldn't be regularly bringing up his ex in conversation like that, especially if he's COMPARING you to her.
You're only 19 and you're with an immature guy like that? I say you can do MUCH better.
I would take all of these diagnoses and labels out of the equation and deal with the specifics.
Also the emotional baggage at the side lines. Ignore this. Not getting on with the in-laws neither here nor there. Not getting on with friends neither here nor there. Stuff other people say about poor communication could actually be quite irrelevant. People are very quick to jump labelling people with autism. It's nasty, not needed.
Focus on specific problems and specific things you want out of the relationship, over the 7 months do you think you have helped him, has he helped you?
It sounds the breakdown isn't resolved in that there is more mileage in talking over that in a constructive way.
Also the emotional baggage at the side lines. Ignore this. Not getting on with the in-laws neither here nor there. Not getting on with friends neither here nor there. Stuff other people say about poor communication could actually be quite irrelevant. People are very quick to jump labelling people with autism. It's nasty, not needed.
Focus on specific problems and specific things you want out of the relationship, over the 7 months do you think you have helped him, has he helped you?
It sounds the breakdown isn't resolved in that there is more mileage in talking over that in a constructive way.
(edited 4 years ago)
You could tell from your words that it’s something about him that he does unintentionally. Some people do say words without thinking of them, and they could be like knives running thru you. But he probably doesn’t notice what he’s saying or doing.
Social anxiety has no specific age, but it could be overcome eventually by self-help and your help. If you’re ready to keep on with the relation; because you really love him, then work on it and sort it out with him. If you are hesitating whether he’s your type/man or not. Then it’s the best to get over it; as in this case, you’re ruining your life and his life.
About your family/friends or whoever says your bf is bla bla bla. They are to spend few mins/hours or even days with him and they might not be with him anymore. But it’s understandable that he might be inferior to them. But still you’re the only one to be spending your time with him, so you’re the only one to worry whether you like him how he’s or you can’t bear it and adapt with it. In this case, you should find other person you like him for how he’s.
Another way is to tell him about how you feel. Choose the right time and talk to him about it, give him a chance or two to sort and fix things. If you could see the potential in him to be wanting to change things, then keep on with it. If otherwise, put an end for it.
About protecting part, it isn’t necessary for him to show you that he can protect you physically or verbally, unless he was put in such situation to show it. What’s the point of him saying or claiming he can protect you, and when it’s the right time to prove it, he ghosts or you’re the one to handle it? You should just wait and time would prove your point.
Try to sort these social skills together; because none might have the time to spend the whole day to help you. So you’re both most likely to be depending on yourselves about this.
Think twice about every decision you’re about to make and think of the aftermaths, so you wouldn’t regret later. And just know whatever you’re gonna do, is just the best for you.
Don’t let others’ words affect you in any way. He’s the one you spend your time with the most, they barely know him.
GL
Social anxiety has no specific age, but it could be overcome eventually by self-help and your help. If you’re ready to keep on with the relation; because you really love him, then work on it and sort it out with him. If you are hesitating whether he’s your type/man or not. Then it’s the best to get over it; as in this case, you’re ruining your life and his life.
About your family/friends or whoever says your bf is bla bla bla. They are to spend few mins/hours or even days with him and they might not be with him anymore. But it’s understandable that he might be inferior to them. But still you’re the only one to be spending your time with him, so you’re the only one to worry whether you like him how he’s or you can’t bear it and adapt with it. In this case, you should find other person you like him for how he’s.
Another way is to tell him about how you feel. Choose the right time and talk to him about it, give him a chance or two to sort and fix things. If you could see the potential in him to be wanting to change things, then keep on with it. If otherwise, put an end for it.
About protecting part, it isn’t necessary for him to show you that he can protect you physically or verbally, unless he was put in such situation to show it. What’s the point of him saying or claiming he can protect you, and when it’s the right time to prove it, he ghosts or you’re the one to handle it? You should just wait and time would prove your point.
Try to sort these social skills together; because none might have the time to spend the whole day to help you. So you’re both most likely to be depending on yourselves about this.
Think twice about every decision you’re about to make and think of the aftermaths, so you wouldn’t regret later. And just know whatever you’re gonna do, is just the best for you.
Don’t let others’ words affect you in any way. He’s the one you spend your time with the most, they barely know him.
GL
Original post by lialuua
Hey, thanks for answering
Yahh, he’s really immature, emotionally he’s like 15 and is very dependent from his parents.
He said that said those things because he thought that I deserve a better person, a boyfriend without problems, healthier and stronger, he said that he wants me to be happy but can’t leave me cuz I’m the person he loves.
I thought the same but he liked other girls after, he was 14 when fell in love with her and when we met he talked constantly about other girl he liked, so I’m confused.
Yahh, he’s really immature, emotionally he’s like 15 and is very dependent from his parents.
He said that said those things because he thought that I deserve a better person, a boyfriend without problems, healthier and stronger, he said that he wants me to be happy but can’t leave me cuz I’m the person he loves.
I thought the same but he liked other girls after, he was 14 when fell in love with her and when we met he talked constantly about other girl he liked, so I’m confused.
I don't buy the "you deserve better" excuse at all. If anything, he's just confirming that he's not very nice. If he cared that much about you he'd break up with you rather than throwing insults into your face and then forcing you to decide!
He tried to break up with me but I went after him in the first time 
We broke up a lot of times, in the first months it was always him, I accepted because I love him and I want him happy but he always came back. In the last months, it was me who tried to break up but he get angry, sad and had anxiety attacks. When we were only friends, he always wanted to stop talking with me and delete me in social networks and I didn’t know why, when we had our first kiss he said that it was fear to suffer from loving delusion, cuz never thought that a girl like me would like him back.
We broke up a lot of times, in the first months it was always him, I accepted because I love him and I want him happy but he always came back. In the last months, it was me who tried to break up but he get angry, sad and had anxiety attacks. When we were only friends, he always wanted to stop talking with me and delete me in social networks and I didn’t know why, when we had our first kiss he said that it was fear to suffer from loving delusion, cuz never thought that a girl like me would like him back.Original post by Lilli22
I don't buy the "you deserve better" excuse at all. If anything, he's just confirming that he's not very nice. If he cared that much about you he'd break up with you rather than throwing insults into your face and then forcing you to decide!
Original post by lialuua
I’ve been dating for 7 months a 30 year old man who suffers from anxiety, ADHD, Obsessive compulsive disorder and he suspects that he’s bipolar too. I’m a 19 years old female and I have anxiety, depression and socialphobia.
His social skills are really poor, people often think that he have autism because he does a lot of eye contact (makes people feel uncomfortable), lack of common sense, weird body gestures (he calps weirdly like a baby), only laughs about politic jokes that only him finds funny, boring conversations (monologues, obsession with some topics) and sometimes he seems insensitive about other people’s feelings. I introduced him to my family and my mom isn’t happy with our relationship cuz thinks he’s not “normal“ and have serious mental issues and handicapped (besides, she thinks Im acting like his mother and he’s being manipulative). Obvsiously, my mom would prefer a more good-looking, stronger, funnier younger and healthy boy for me to protect me and not me protecting him like he’s my child (i’m really sensitive, shy and insecure too). My mom finds his conversations really boring and serious.
I had a breakdown recently because of his insensivity, coldness, exaggerated feelings, his anxiety attacks and obsession with a certain girl (he was constantly talking about his first love, how she was beautiful and told me that she was the love of his life and comparing me with her, like his feelings for us, our clothes and music taste who made me feel insecure), he said that it was better if we never met and go back to my original country and that made me feel really sad, later he apologized and said that he talked about his past because he trusts me and thought that I deserved better. He likes to joke about things that hurt me, like saying that he only dated me for fun and prefer older girls, that only gave me attention cuz felt pity for me and my problems and I’m a bad girlfriend and I believe because I’m a really insecure person... Now he says I’m the woman of his life and feels very guilty and sad about what happened and thought that comparing his feelings for me and his first love was the best thing he could say because she was the woman that he loved the most but sincerely I thought really annoying he mentioning everyday her name, especially in love messages cuz made me feel second best and think that maybe he still have feelings for her, I find that weird cuz when I met him he said that he woman he loved the most was a friend of him from college but ok, maybe he changed his mind. We have many fights because our insecurities and he likes to play the victim role and hurts me verbally. Idk what do, my friends don’t like him and think that I should end this relationship. Nevertheless, he’s really caring and sweet, says everyday how he likes me and that I’m pretty, he’s my best friend and tries to help me in everything and he have a above-average intelligence but his poor social skills make me feel insecure because he’s always comparing me with other girls, sometimes contradicts himself and says things that hurt me unintentionally. Sorry for my bad english
His social skills are really poor, people often think that he have autism because he does a lot of eye contact (makes people feel uncomfortable), lack of common sense, weird body gestures (he calps weirdly like a baby), only laughs about politic jokes that only him finds funny, boring conversations (monologues, obsession with some topics) and sometimes he seems insensitive about other people’s feelings. I introduced him to my family and my mom isn’t happy with our relationship cuz thinks he’s not “normal“ and have serious mental issues and handicapped (besides, she thinks Im acting like his mother and he’s being manipulative). Obvsiously, my mom would prefer a more good-looking, stronger, funnier younger and healthy boy for me to protect me and not me protecting him like he’s my child (i’m really sensitive, shy and insecure too). My mom finds his conversations really boring and serious.
I had a breakdown recently because of his insensivity, coldness, exaggerated feelings, his anxiety attacks and obsession with a certain girl (he was constantly talking about his first love, how she was beautiful and told me that she was the love of his life and comparing me with her, like his feelings for us, our clothes and music taste who made me feel insecure), he said that it was better if we never met and go back to my original country and that made me feel really sad, later he apologized and said that he talked about his past because he trusts me and thought that I deserved better. He likes to joke about things that hurt me, like saying that he only dated me for fun and prefer older girls, that only gave me attention cuz felt pity for me and my problems and I’m a bad girlfriend and I believe because I’m a really insecure person... Now he says I’m the woman of his life and feels very guilty and sad about what happened and thought that comparing his feelings for me and his first love was the best thing he could say because she was the woman that he loved the most but sincerely I thought really annoying he mentioning everyday her name, especially in love messages cuz made me feel second best and think that maybe he still have feelings for her, I find that weird cuz when I met him he said that he woman he loved the most was a friend of him from college but ok, maybe he changed his mind. We have many fights because our insecurities and he likes to play the victim role and hurts me verbally. Idk what do, my friends don’t like him and think that I should end this relationship. Nevertheless, he’s really caring and sweet, says everyday how he likes me and that I’m pretty, he’s my best friend and tries to help me in everything and he have a above-average intelligence but his poor social skills make me feel insecure because he’s always comparing me with other girls, sometimes contradicts himself and says things that hurt me unintentionally. Sorry for my bad english
quick question are u russian
i know this will probably be difficult to read because you’re in a relationship with him, but, speaking from personal experience, i would advise it best if you guys stayed apart. it’s the best thing to do for you in the long run. i was in a similar situation and now that i am finally out of it, i realise it was the best thing to have ever happened to me. you’ve enjoyed your time together and you’ll have many great memories to look back on, but also likely some bad ones too, which is why it’s probably time you found someone better suited to you.
'Boyfriend', you say?
There is hope for me yet.
There is hope for me yet.
Original post by lialuua
He tried to break up with me but I went after him in the first time We broke up a lot of times, in the first months it was always him, I accepted because I love him and I want him happy but he always came back. In the last months, it was me who tried to break up but he get angry, sad and had anxiety attacks. When we were only friends, he always wanted to stop talking with me and delete me in social networks and I didn’t know why, when we had our first kiss he said that it was fear to suffer from loving delusion, cuz never thought that a girl like me would like him back.
We broke up a lot of times, in the first months it was always him, I accepted because I love him and I want him happy but he always came back. In the last months, it was me who tried to break up but he get angry, sad and had anxiety attacks. When we were only friends, he always wanted to stop talking with me and delete me in social networks and I didn’t know why, when we had our first kiss he said that it was fear to suffer from loving delusion, cuz never thought that a girl like me would like him back.If you guys have already broken up multiple times then I'd class them as red flags, especially since they were so early in the relationship!
I think its very likely this guy has Asperger syndrome (I have it so I know). My own experience with it has caused me to realise that I am completely oblivious to others peoples emotions (now that I know about my disorder tho i am coping far better). Asperers is a mild form of autism. let him know that he has it and educate him about the following: rule bound thinking, black and white thinking, rumination and mind blindness (go on youtube and find a autism channel called mark hutten MA). These things will definitely resonate with him and spark a change to do something about his disorder. His intentions aren't to hurt you its just that he is unaware how what he is saying is upsetting you untill its too late. a lot of the behaviours you've decribed (e.g. coldness, insensitive) are common things people say about people with aspergers, when in reality these things are coming about because of his mind blindness. Trust me this guy has aspergers, also tell him about meltdowns as well (accumulations of things that frustrate him that go mentally unprocessesd untill they become too much for him leading to a meltdown)
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA u funny
Original post by awkwardshortguy
I'm guessing English is your... eighth language?
(edited 4 years ago)
also remember with autisti people they really struggle to see things from other view points, they get so stuck inside their own head and think they know what they're talking about to the point that they instantly dismiss what other people are saying so he many not listen to you, but if you tell him about ruminations its very likely he will come to his senses because he may have done this for quite some time its like a form of self torture. I hope every thing ends up okay.
He denies it but thank you!!!
Original post by Anonymous
I think its very likely this guy has Asperger syndrome (I have it so I know). My own experience with it has caused me to realise that I am completely oblivious to others peoples emotions (now that I know about my disorder tho i am coping far better). Asperers is a mild form of autism. let him know that he has it and educate him about the following: rule bound thinking, black and white thinking, rumination and mind blindness (go on youtube and find a autism channel called mark hutten MA). These things will definitely resonate with him and spark a change to do something about his disorder. His intentions aren't to hurt you its just that he is unaware how what he is saying is upsetting you untill its too late. a lot of the behaviours you've decribed (e.g. coldness, insensitive) are common things people say about people with aspergers, when in reality these things are coming about because of his mind blindness. Trust me this guy has aspergers, also tell him about meltdowns as well (accumulations of things that frustrate him that go mentally unprocessesd untill they become too much for him leading to a meltdown)
vai p o caralho
Original post by ml55
yo use paragraphs
Original post by lialuua
vai p o caralho
Oh, so you’re Portuguese?
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