Ex employer said she'd give me a reference but is now ignoring me Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?
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999tigger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?
Look for another referee like an ex teacher or lecturer.
Also a neighbour who knows you but is also a professional.
It is basically any adult who has known you for 6 months + that can comment on your character.
In any societies or have any hobbies run by adults? Ask them.
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Realitysreflexx
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?
You shouldn't need a reference to volunteer. Your not even being paid.
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999tigger
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(Original post by Realitysreflexx)
You shouldn't need a reference to volunteer. Your not even being paid.
It is standard practice to ask for one or two referees for voluntary positions. It doesnt matter whether you are being paid.
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threeportdrift
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(Original post by Realitysreflexx)
You shouldn't need a reference to volunteer. Your not even being paid.
It's not about being paid. References are a protection for any business against taking on a problem employee who might be unreliable, rude, untrustworthy etc. The reference is there to assure the employer that at least one professional has found the applicant to be reliable, polite, honest etc. Even charity shops need decent staff.
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bones-mccoy
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Sometimes you have to be pushy in order to get what you want but if you don't feel comfortable asking her again then try someone else. Charity shops are generally more lenient when it comes to references, even a neighbour who's known you a decent amount of time and has a ~respected~ job could be okay.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by bones-mccoy)
Sometimes you have to be pushy in order to get what you want but if you don't feel comfortable asking her again then try someone else. Charity shops are generally more lenient when it comes to references, even a neighbour who's known you a decent amount of time and has a ~respected~ job could be okay.
Nobody knows me, I've been a shut in for years because of anxiety. This employer is my only hope, otherwise I can't even work in a ****ing charity shop
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?
How long ago did the shop ask for a reference? It's normal to have to wait a week or two for people to process these things. She might be on holiday or be busy with other things at the moment and will get to it when she has time. This is really normal and not something to stress over.

If it's been more than about 3 weeks or so, it's worth calling her to see what's going on, but if she says that she doesn't want to be reference anymore, there's unfortunately not much you can do.

Are you seeking help for your anxiety?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
How long ago did the shop ask for a reference? It's normal to have to wait a week or two for people to process these things. She might be on holiday or be busy with other things at the moment and will get to it when she has time. This is really normal and not something to stress over.

If it's been more than about 3 weeks or so, it's worth calling her to see what's going on, but if she says that she doesn't want to be reference anymore, there's unfortunately not much you can do.

Are you seeking help for your anxiety?
The shop asked me for 2 references around 3 weeks ago. I got 1 from a teacher who luckily checked her college email during the summer holiday. She responded to the shop 2 DAYS LATER. I contacted my ex employer around the same time. She initially responded to me 10 minutes later saying that she'd be happy to do it. Then didn't respond to me or the shop for 2 weeks because she 'was away'. Then she told me she hadn't received the email and asked me to ask them to resend it, which made me feel really unprofessional asking them to do that but I did it anyway. I let her know 1 week ago that they had resent it and she still hasn't replied to me, nor to the shop's email. The shop has very kindly let me work a little bit even though I don't have both references yet, but if someone higher up finds out they could get in a lot of trouble because of me. I feel awful because they have been so so nice to me but I feel like it's all going to get ruined because the 4th week is coming up of me not having a 2nd reference because this woman won't respond to me or the shop. I don't have any other people that could write me a reference because college is closed. I'm not sure what else to say to her to get her to write it. The last thing I said to her was 'it has been resent'.
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The shop asked me for 2 references around 3 weeks ago. I got 1 from a teacher who luckily checked her college email during the summer holiday. She responded to the shop 2 DAYS LATER. I contacted my ex employer around the same time. She initially responded to me 10 minutes later saying that she'd be happy to do it. Then didn't respond to me or the shop for 2 weeks because she 'was away'. Then she told me she hadn't received the email and asked me to ask them to resend it, which made me feel really unprofessional asking them to do that but I did it anyway. I let her know 1 week ago that they had resent it and she still hasn't replied to me, nor to the shop's email. The shop has very kindly let me work a little bit even though I don't have both references yet, but if someone higher up finds out they could get in a lot of trouble because of me. I feel awful because they have been so so nice to me but I feel like it's all going to get ruined because the 4th week is coming up of me not having a 2nd reference because this woman won't respond to me or the shop. I don't have any other people that could write me a reference because college is closed. I'm not sure what else to say to her to get her to write it. The last thing I said to her was 'it has been resent'.
Could the emails be going to her junk folder?

I would call her- rather than text or email- and talk through the situation. If she can't find the email, maybe talk her through looking in her junk folder, or maybe ask her to email someone at the shop so that they can send the email in reply to her.

If she just hasn't got around to it yet, asking her nicely over the phone may be enough to get her to commit.

Or maybe they're asking her to do something a lot more onerous and involved than she expected and she's now no longer up for it? In which case, at least you'll know and you can move forwards and see if the shop can hold a position for you until September when someone from college can reply.

The thing is, your college teacher is likely to have some experience giving references, and also is probably not very busy at the moment. This woman may have never given a reference before and be nervous about doing it or just have other priorities.

You can't make her do it, but I'd suggest calling her as a last attempt to get her to do it.
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?
That's just ****ed up. Blockading someone from work over a piece of bloody paper!

JUST MAKE UP A REFERENCE!! it's not some government court approved and stamped, notarised document! It's literally a handwritten letter or an email, ****ing stupid rofl
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999tigger
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Calling would have been the better solution. Email works in some situations but not others.
If you feel you lack confidence then get one of your parents to do it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
Could the emails be going to her junk folder?

I would call her- rather than text or email- and talk through the situation. If she can't find the email, maybe talk her through looking in her junk folder, or maybe ask her to email someone at the shop so that they can send the email in reply to her.

If she just hasn't got around to it yet, asking her nicely over the phone may be enough to get her to commit.

Or maybe they're asking her to do something a lot more onerous and involved than she expected and she's now no longer up for it? In which case, at least you'll know and you can move forwards and see if the shop can hold a position for you until September when someone from college can reply.

The thing is, your college teacher is likely to have some experience giving references, and also is probably not very busy at the moment. This woman may have never given a reference before and be nervous about doing it or just have other priorities.

You can't make her do it, but I'd suggest calling her as a last attempt to get her to do it.
If I feel too scared to text her, how can you expect me to call her? I give up
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If I feel too scared to text her, how can you expect me to call her? I give up
If you're not willing to contact her, how do you expect to sort the situation out?

If you feel genuinely scared about sending her a polite text, I'd suggest that sorting out your anxiety should be your priority, before worrying about looking for a job.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
If you're not willing to contact her, how do you expect to sort the situation out?

If you feel genuinely scared about sending her a polite text, I'd suggest that sorting out your anxiety should be your priority, before worrying about looking for a job.
I have texted her 3 times in a row without a response, even people without anxiety would feel uncomfortable with phoning them after that.
My anxiety is a lot better than it was a few years ago. I need to stop being a pussy and sort out my life. First priority is getting customer service experience so that maybe finally one day I will get a real part time job and earn money. What other people get straight out of secondary school is still a distant dream for me even as a nearly 19 year old. I need to fix my life, not pop pills that will make my brain slow.
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have texted her 3 times in a row without a response, even people without anxiety would feel uncomfortable with phoning them after that.
My anxiety is a lot better than it was a few years ago. I need to stop being a pussy and sort out my life. First priority is getting customer service experience so that maybe finally one day I will get a real part time job and earn money. What other people get straight out of secondary school is still a distant dream for me even as a nearly 19 year old. I need to fix my life, not pop pills that will make my brain slow.
They might feel uncomfortable, but they'd probably get on with it and do it in this situation, because they need the reference. If you want to be successful in a job, you'll need to be able to deal with things you find uncomfortable sometimes, especially in customer service.

There are lots of different treatments for anxiety out there, and I really do think you should try to speak to someone about them, because they could make a real difference to your life.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
They might feel uncomfortable, but they'd probably get on with it and do it in this situation, because they need the reference. If you want to be successful in a job, you'll need to be able to deal with things you find uncomfortable sometimes, especially in customer service.

There are lots of different treatments for anxiety out there, and I really do think you should try to speak to someone about them, because they could make a real difference to your life.
Then I have no choice but to give up. None of these solutions are possible for me. I can't believe life is so difficult and demanding that even someone with mild anxiety can't participate or function. I wonder how people with real problems manage. I completely give up.
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Then I have no choice but to give up. None of these solutions are possible for me. I can't believe life is so difficult and demanding that even someone with mild anxiety can't participate or function. I wonder how people with real problems manage. I completely give up.
It sounds like you think you could get a second reference in September from your college? So if you're not willing to contact the woman you babysat for, then your other option is to talk to the charity shop and ask if they will still be able to offer you volunteering in September.

Adult life is stressful- there are always loads of hoops to jump through, loads of things you have to chase up, there's always some inconvenience that makes things that should be straightforward end up becoming stressful. I'm not saying this to be a ****, I'm just explaining.

If making a phone call in this situation is that daunting to you that it makes you feel like your life is hopeless, I'd honestly suggest that your mental health difficulties aren't as mild as you think. I really do think that it will make your life much easier long term if you're able to get some support with these.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
It sounds like you think you could get a second reference in September from your college? So if you're not willing to contact the woman you babysat for, then your other option is to talk to the charity shop and ask if they will still be able to offer you volunteering in September.

Adult life is stressful- there are always loads of hoops to jump through, loads of things you have to chase up, there's always some inconvenience that makes things that should be straightforward end up becoming stressful. I'm not saying this to be a ****, I'm just explaining.

If making a phone call in this situation is that daunting to you that it makes you feel like your life is hopeless, I'd honestly suggest that your mental health difficulties aren't as mild as you think. I really do think that it will make your life much easier long term if you're able to get some support with these.
How do I bring that up to the shop? They've let me work 2 weeks in a row without a 2nd reference because I've told them that they'd get the 2nd one soon. When I turn up next time and they say 'we still haven't got your 2nd reference' what do I do/say? I can't promise that I'll get them a 2nd reference soon like I've been saying for the past few weeks, because now I see that it's not going to be possible. They also asked me to ask my neighbour for a reference but I can't because I've only spoken to them once or twice in the last 10 years so they don't know me at all. I can't really tell this to the shop because I don't want to make a bad impression. How do I bring up that a 2nd reference will only be possible in September?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
It sounds like you think you could get a second reference in September from your college? So if you're not willing to contact the woman you babysat for, then your other option is to talk to the charity shop and ask if they will still be able to offer you volunteering in September.

Adult life is stressful- there are always loads of hoops to jump through, loads of things you have to chase up, there's always some inconvenience that makes things that should be straightforward end up becoming stressful. I'm not saying this to be a ****, I'm just explaining.

If making a phone call in this situation is that daunting to you that it makes you feel like your life is hopeless, I'd honestly suggest that your mental health difficulties aren't as mild as you think. I really do think that it will make your life much easier long term if you're able to get some support with these.
What can I say one more time via text to the woman I babysat for? That's the only option
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