Ex employer said she'd give me a reference but is now ignoring me Watch

ohhello92x
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#21
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What can I say one more time via text to the woman I babysat for? That's the only option
Just say you’re in desperate need of this reference and could your employer please do it?? It could also be possible for the email to end up in her junk folder....
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(Original post by ohhello92x)
Just say you’re in desperate need of this reference and could your employer please do it?? It could also be possible for the email to end up in her junk folder....
I don't want to be annoying
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ohhello92x
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't want to be annoying
I get that, but it needs to be done
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(Original post by ohhello92x)
I get that, but it needs to be done
I know. I'm willing to text her 1 more time but I'm not going to tell her 'I'm in desperate need'. I need something to say that doesn't make it look like I'm badgering her
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ohhello92x
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know. I'm willing to text her 1 more time but I'm not going to tell her 'I'm in desperate need'. I need something to say that doesn't make it look like I'm badgering her
Well she’s the one not cooperating, so either badger her to sort out a reference for you, or get someone else to do it
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know. I'm willing to text her 1 more time but I'm not going to tell her 'I'm in desperate need'. I need something to say that doesn't make it look like I'm badgering her
You've not really got any other choice but to badger her though. Like I said in my original reply, sometimes you have to be pushy in order to get what you want or need - there's always the possibility that she won't realise how desperate you are for this reference unless you do actually starting badgering her.

It's much more beneficial for you in the long run to keep asking this woman for the reference even if she does find you or the situation mildly annoying. The alternative is you not pestering her, the shop turning around and saying they can't have you volunteer without a second reference and putting everything on hold for months. At the end of the day, she's just some woman you used to babysit for, her possibly slightly negative opinion of you due to this situation shouldn't be holding you back this much. You need to do this for you.
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(Original post by bones-mccoy)
You've not really got any other choice but to badger her though. Like I said in my original reply, sometimes you have to be pushy in order to get what you want or need - there's always the possibility that she won't realise how desperate you are for this reference unless you do actually starting badgering her.

It's much more beneficial for you in the long run to keep asking this woman for the reference even if she does find you or the situation mildly annoying. The alternative is you not pestering her, the shop turning around and saying they can't have you volunteer without a second reference and putting everything on hold for months. At the end of the day, she's just some woman you used to babysit for, her possibly slightly negative opinion of you due to this situation shouldn't be holding you back this much. You need to do this for you.
I can't risk her having a negative opinion because I want a POSITIVE reference. I am fine with texting her 1 more time but I don't know what to say. It has to be something neutral and not annoying. If you have an idea please let me know.
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I can't risk her having a negative opinion because I want a POSITIVE reference. I am fine with texting her 1 more time but I don't know what to say. It has to be something neutral and not annoying. If you have an idea please let me know.
Employers can't give you a negative reference just because they don't like you personally, the reference has to be solely about your work for them. So she can't say anything negative about you if she's only finding you pushy or annoying after you've finished working for her, or indeed outside of work.
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ohhello92x
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I can't risk her having a negative opinion because I want a POSITIVE reference. I am fine with texting her 1 more time but I don't know what to say. It has to be something neutral and not annoying. If you have an idea please let me know.
Just explain to her that the shop really does need this reference from her in order for you to proceed, etc....
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ohhello92x
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(Original post by bones-mccoy)
Employers can't give you a negative reference just because they don't like you personally, the reference has to be solely about your work for them. So she can't say anything negative about you if she's only finding you pushy or annoying after you've finished working for her, or indeed outside of work.
I agree
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How do I bring that up to the shop? They've let me work 2 weeks in a row without a 2nd reference because I've told them that they'd get the 2nd one soon. When I turn up next time and they say 'we still haven't got your 2nd reference' what do I do/say? I can't promise that I'll get them a 2nd reference soon like I've been saying for the past few weeks, because now I see that it's not going to be possible. They also asked me to ask my neighbour for a reference but I can't because I've only spoken to them once or twice in the last 10 years so they don't know me at all. I can't really tell this to the shop because I don't want to make a bad impression. How do I bring up that a 2nd reference will only be possible in September?
Just say something like "I'm really sorry but someone who originally agreed to be a reference hasn't responded to your emails and is now ignoring me. I think my best bet for another reference is my college, but I won't be able to speak to them about getting another reference until September. Would you still have a volunteer position available then?"

None of this makes you look bad- it just makes your original reference look bad and it's not your fault.

If they ask you about a neighbor it's fine to say, "I don't really have that kind of relationship with my neighbours." or "We don't really talk much." This is honestly totally normal. I've lived in places where I've just never spoken to my neighbours- it's not that weird.

(Original post by Anonymous)
What can I say one more time via text to the woman I babysat for? That's the only option
I'd try something like:

"Hi, [organisation] have resent the email and it seems like you still haven't responded. I totally understand that things might have changed, but could you please let me know if you're still able to provide me with a reference? If you are, could you let me know when you might be able to do it? Thank you [your name]."

Hopefully she'd at least respond to that if she can't do it anymore and then you'd at least know where you stand.
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
Just say something like "I'm really sorry but someone who originally agreed to be a reference hasn't responded to your emails and is now ignoring me. I think my best bet for another reference is my college, but I won't be able to speak to them about getting another reference until September. Would you still have a volunteer position available then?"

None of this makes you look bad- it just makes your original reference look bad and it's not your fault.

If they ask you about a neighbor it's fine to say, "I don't really have that kind of relationship with my neighbours." or "We don't really talk much." This is honestly totally normal. I've lived in places where I've just never spoken to my neighbours- it's not that weird.



I'd try something like:

"Hi, [organisation] have resent the email and it seems like you still haven't responded. I totally understand that things might have changed, but could you please let me know if you're still able to provide me with a reference? If you are, could you let me know when you might be able to do it? Thank you [your name]."

Hopefully she'd at least respond to that if she can't do it anymore and then you'd at least know where you stand.
Thank you. This is genuinely helpful. I already texted her a few hours earlier suggesting she check her junk folder if she still hasn't received it, just as a gentle reminder/nudge, but I still haven't received any replies. I think it's safe to say that she doesn't want to write me a reference anymore. I guess I'll have to face the uncomfortable conversation that will surely arrive next time I turn up at the shop. It makes me so disheartened that every time I do something to better myself or my life, it never really works out. Even simple/small things like this, that everyone else gets so easily and takes for granted. Hopefully someday a miracle will occur and things will be normal for me. Do you know how I can get help for my mental health for free? I am 18 so all of the free options seem to be ruled out for me.
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you. This is genuinely helpful. I already texted her a few hours earlier suggesting she check her junk folder if she still hasn't received it, just as a gentle reminder/nudge, but I still haven't received any replies. I think it's safe to say that she doesn't want to write me a reference anymore. I guess I'll have to face the uncomfortable conversation that will surely arrive next time I turn up at the shop. It makes me so disheartened that every time I do something to better myself or my life, it never really works out. Even simple/small things like this, that everyone else gets so easily and takes for granted. Hopefully someday a miracle will occur and things will be normal for me. Do you know how I can get help for my mental health for free? I am 18 so all of the free options seem to be ruled out for me.
I believe Mind (the mental health charity) can offer a lot of advice and support for people with mental health problems of any age.

You should also try speaking to your GP. Even if you're over 18, you can usually access therapies such as CBT on the NHS if you meet the criteria, but your first step is talking with your GP, who may be able to signpost you to other services. They may also talk to you about medication, but if that's not what you want, you can refuse.
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