Social difficulty with girls Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#1
I know there's a lot of threads on this but i was just looking for some fresh news. To put it bluntly, I'm 18, never had a girlfriend, don't know many girls at all. I went to an all boys school which didn't help matters.

With lads you can chat about anything, sports and football mainly! girls etc you can have banter and it's fairly easy to get along and have a laugh. But with girls I just can't be the same. There's only so much of oh that's a nice top you're wearing that you can say. I'm not gonna lie I want a girlfriend and when I talk to girls I really fancy it's even harder. And from the little experience I've had with girls, I'm not even sure I enjoy their company. I just don't find anythng in common with them and I'm not a great music lover so that doesn't help. Also whenever I've chatted to girls about stuff they just don't seem interested somehow, I can make guys laugh but I don't really make girls laugh. Maybe I'm just a mans man. But I don't want to be seen as someone that is a wus, someone who is too scared to talk to girls. I don't want to be like this and it seems that every other guy I know is comfortable around girls so it makes me feel that I'm weird or something.

It's turning into a mental barrier now because I think about it and let it prey on my mind too much that when a situation arises I become even more anxious around girls.

When I'm chatting to them you can't just go ' Hi my name is Bill ' ' what music do you like ' it's just random. Also alot of people sayon the forums that you should ask things like ' how has your day been ' I don't ask this to any of my male friends so I don't see why I would ask this to a girl, it just seems like a very random and boring question. And now Uni is coming along soon I kind of have this imagination in my mind that my first day I'll go into like the canteen and thousands of students will be about chatting to loads of people etc and I'll be too scared to talk to girls whilst loads of other guys are chatting to girls. That makes me feel even more annoyed about the situation. I also find it more difficult when I'm in a group with like 5 other girls, the situation just intimidates me, I keep wondering what they think of me etc

I also don't know what's stepping over the line with girls. I'm not sure if you should be asking them things like do you like my friend or say a girl kept looking at me and constantly smiling and I liked her I actually don't know what I should do or say, as in making sure I don't overstep the mark with something. Like I wouldn't want them talking about me then and looking over at me, I just wouldn't know how to deal with that attention. I don't want them to think aww he's a chicken as he doesn't want to come over.

And it's actually a big problem in my life because it's always on my mind and I envy the fact that other guys seem not to have this problem, and the ones that do have this problem are usually geeks.

Maybe I just think way too much about things? What do you think?
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steelmole
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#2
Report 11 years ago
#2
Personally I think there's nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend, I know people on here disagree on this.

The first thing you should do is make sure you're meetin plenty of girls, new ones, ones that don't know you at all. With these people you'll make the best impression and if it all goes bad, it doesn't really matter. You seem to have this area fairly well covered, so I shall move on.

I think your problem with conversation could be helped by talking about feelings more than facts. I'm a guy and I love talking about facts, but with most people it's not such a big thing. Let me explain with an example. Say you're telling someone about this rock climbing trip you went on. One person might talk about how many metres he climbed, what angles the overhangs were, where he went etc. To another guy this can be fine, but with girls it's not so great. Another person might talk about the same trip but talk about how he felt really scared with a huge overhang, how his palms were sweating and how he felt great just to get to the top. Now this is more like it! Even if you don't know anything about rock climbing you can identify with this guy because everyone has similar feelings.

If nerves are a big problem for you, well, there's no easy answer. You just have to practice talking to people in all sorts of situations. It gets better every time, but only in very small steps. You have to do all the leg work here my friend.

I'm no 100% sure what you mean by stepping over the line, you seem to be saying "Is it alright to go talk to girls you don't know very well?" or "Is it rude to just flirt with a girl?" In both of these cases it's much better to push a bit further and risk overstepping the mark, if you do you can just go back to more mundane things, people are very forgiving. If you don't ever do anything exciting, flirtatious or risky then you won't get very far towards getting a girlfriend.

Overall I would try and improve yourself gradually by doing a few of these things, but don't worry about it too much. Everyone has nerves and doubts when it comes to the opposite sex, you're not amazingly behind everyone else or anything, other guys have the same problems but might have fluked things once or twice before. Hope this has helped somehow.
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Wyl
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#3
Report 11 years ago
#3
You seem to be putting girls on a pedestal and that's why you're getting all nervous about it. Do you talk to any girls just as friends or are you looking at every female as a potential girlfriend?
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#4
i'm not sure you know. but i think what you're saying could be true wyl. i'd say that most girls i've spoken to i imagine how sex would be with them, i know it's not healthy but when you want it so much it's hard not to think about it. i wouldn't say i look at every female as a potential girlfriend, but at the same time i don't really know what it's like to be friends with girls because I haven't really had this experience. i would say that i haven't felt like i could be a friend of a girl yet.
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Anonymous #2
#5
Report 11 years ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know there's a lot of threads on this but i was just looking for some fresh news. To put it bluntly, I'm 18, never had a girlfriend, don't know many girls at all. I went to an all boys school which didn't help matters.

With lads you can chat about anything, sports and football mainly! girls etc you can have banter and it's fairly easy to get along and have a laugh. But with girls I just can't be the same. There's only so much of oh that's a nice top you're wearing that you can say. I'm not gonna lie I want a girlfriend and when I talk to girls I really fancy it's even harder. And from the little experience I've had with girls, I'm not even sure I enjoy their company. I just don't find anythng in common with them and I'm not a great music lover so that doesn't help. Also whenever I've chatted to girls about stuff they just don't seem interested somehow, I can make guys laugh but I don't really make girls laugh. Maybe I'm just a mans man. But I don't want to be seen as someone that is a wus, someone who is too scared to talk to girls. I don't want to be like this and it seems that every other guy I know is comfortable around girls so it makes me feel that I'm weird or something.

It's turning into a mental barrier now because I think about it and let it prey on my mind too much that when a situation arises I become even more anxious around girls.

When I'm chatting to them you can't just go ' Hi my name is Bill ' ' what music do you like ' it's just random. Also alot of people sayon the forums that you should ask things like ' how has your day been ' I don't ask this to any of my male friends so I don't see why I would ask this to a girl, it just seems like a very random and boring question. And now Uni is coming along soon I kind of have this imagination in my mind that my first day I'll go into like the canteen and thousands of students will be about chatting to loads of people etc and I'll be too scared to talk to girls whilst loads of other guys are chatting to girls. That makes me feel even more annoyed about the situation. I also find it more difficult when I'm in a group with like 5 other girls, the situation just intimidates me, I keep wondering what they think of me etc

I also don't know what's stepping over the line with girls. I'm not sure if you should be asking them things like do you like my friend or say a girl kept looking at me and constantly smiling and I liked her I actually don't know what I should do or say, as in making sure I don't overstep the mark with something. Like I wouldn't want them talking about me then and looking over at me, I just wouldn't know how to deal with that attention. I don't want them to think aww he's a chicken as he doesn't want to come over.

And it's actually a big problem in my life because it's always on my mind and I envy the fact that other guys seem not to have this problem, and the ones that do have this problem are usually geeks.

Maybe I just think way too much about things? What do you think?
Anonymous in case any of my friends read this.

Well there could be various reasons for all of this. If you're quite a good looking lad then maybe they could feel slightly intimiated and feel weird if you don't ask them much. If you're not that confident then it puts girls off even more.

I'm 16 and never had a boyfriend. It doesn't bother me about lads asking the "right" or "wrong" questions as long as they're nice to talk to. You just need to relax a bit. I used to be so shy with talking to lads but now most of my friends are lads, mainly because all my girl mates ditched me when I started high school. But I saw those lads as friends rather than potential boyfriends.

So I think that my advice to you would to be to just talk to girls as though they're boys. Make friends with them. Contrary to what a lot of people may think, girls aren't "difficult" and "awkward". If you talk to them normally then they'll feel at ease. And then once you've mastered the art of making friends with girls, then start looking to date them.

There's really no rush though. And at university, you can be whoever you want to be because no one will know you. I can't wait till I go....
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dealbreaker
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#6
Report 11 years ago
#6
Mate, it can be just as awkward having lots of girls as friends and being in situations where they end up fancying you...
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x_Electrify
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#7
Report 11 years ago
#7
The way you're putting it is like girls only want to talk about makeup/clothes - superficial things! You can talk about the same stuff with girls as you do with guys. Football etc (more guyish stuff generally) probs isn't the best conversation starter for most girls, but theres not much difference in what you can/can't say.

Going over to a girl and talking isn't overstepping the mark. Not noticing that she isn't interested once you're over there, and hassling her for ages is. Also you don't have to make girls laugh etc, and you don't have to get on with all girls. There will be girls, as well as guys, that you just wont click with. But you will find someone.
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Wyl
Badges: 0
#8
Report 11 years ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
i'm not sure you know. but i think what you're saying could be true wyl. i'd say that most girls i've spoken to i imagine how sex would be with them, i know it's not healthy but when you want it so much it's hard not to think about it. i wouldn't say i look at every female as a potential girlfriend, but at the same time i don't really know what it's like to be friends with girls because I haven't really had this experience. i would say that i haven't felt like i could be a friend of a girl yet.
Sorry but I think becoming friends with girls is the first step, you're trying to run before you can crawl. Don't worry too much about it though it can really be sorted, once you start talking to girls just generally not looking for anything you'd be amazed how they come on to you. Plus in the future you see someone you really like, talking to her will come a lot more naturally. If you want any specific help PM me an I'd be glad to help
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#9
ye i think that's the problem, i don't value girls for who they are, but what they look like, and this is because of a real lack of experience with them, which has led to a lack of confidence. thanks for the help though guys, much appreciated.
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#10
ye i think i need to start valuing girls more, i'll try make friends etc if i can master talking to girls that will really give me a lot of confidence to be natural around people in general.
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onthejubileeline
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#11
Report 11 years ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know there's a lot of threads on this but i was just looking for some fresh news. To put it bluntly, I'm 18, never had a girlfriend, don't know many girls at all. I went to an all boys school which didn't help matters.

With lads you can chat about anything, sports and football mainly! girls etc you can have banter and it's fairly easy to get along and have a laugh. But with girls I just can't be the same. There's only so much of oh that's a nice top you're wearing that you can say. I'm not gonna lie I want a girlfriend and when I talk to girls I really fancy it's even harder. And from the little experience I've had with girls, I'm not even sure I enjoy their company. I just don't find anythng in common with them and I'm not a great music lover so that doesn't help. Also whenever I've chatted to girls about stuff they just don't seem interested somehow, I can make guys laugh but I don't really make girls laugh. Maybe I'm just a mans man. But I don't want to be seen as someone that is a wus, someone who is too scared to talk to girls. I don't want to be like this and it seems that every other guy I know is comfortable around girls so it makes me feel that I'm weird or something.

It's turning into a mental barrier now because I think about it and let it prey on my mind too much that when a situation arises I become even more anxious around girls.

When I'm chatting to them you can't just go ' Hi my name is Bill ' ' what music do you like ' it's just random. Also alot of people sayon the forums that you should ask things like ' how has your day been ' I don't ask this to any of my male friends so I don't see why I would ask this to a girl, it just seems like a very random and boring question. And now Uni is coming along soon I kind of have this imagination in my mind that my first day I'll go into like the canteen and thousands of students will be about chatting to loads of people etc and I'll be too scared to talk to girls whilst loads of other guys are chatting to girls. That makes me feel even more annoyed about the situation. I also find it more difficult when I'm in a group with like 5 other girls, the situation just intimidates me, I keep wondering what they think of me etc

I also don't know what's stepping over the line with girls. I'm not sure if you should be asking them things like do you like my friend or say a girl kept looking at me and constantly smiling and I liked her I actually don't know what I should do or say, as in making sure I don't overstep the mark with something. Like I wouldn't want them talking about me then and looking over at me, I just wouldn't know how to deal with that attention. I don't want them to think aww he's a chicken as he doesn't want to come over.

And it's actually a big problem in my life because it's always on my mind and I envy the fact that other guys seem not to have this problem, and the ones that do have this problem are usually geeks.

Maybe I just think way too much about things? What do you think?

I think you are overthinking the situation a little, though I can understand why, it can be daunting talking to people you're interested in. I'm pretty shy, so I always used to struggle talking to guys, but gradually I built up a few close male friends and things got easier. In the same way that you went to an all boy school, I went to an all girls school up until sixth form, so that didn't help, and I understand why you'd be so bewildered, how could you really know what to talk to girls about? It's not your fault, and doesn't make you a geek or a loser or anything, just honest.

There's nothing at all wrong with you wanting a girlfriend, that's perfectly normal, I think you're just putting too much pressure on yourself. One-on-ones with someone you don't know all that well and are attracted to are rarely a good idea, especially if you feel very apprehensive around them. My advice to you would be to start off by socialising with girls in a group situation, with guys and girls. Gradually, without having to single out a girl for a one-on-one chat, you'll get to know them and banter with them etc naturally, and then you'll feel more confident to go that bit further, if you're specifically interested in any of the girls. You just need to get a bit more used to being around them in a group situation, and then you'll be able to see what you have in common, how to make them laugh etc etc.

Don't compare yourself to other guys - it wont change anything! And I'm sure you're a great guy, you just need a bit more confidence and exposure to girls. You'll definitely be OK

Good luck!
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forgottenromeo
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#12
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chill, thats all you need to remember, they are just people after all. Best advice you can have is talk to them like you do your friends, fish for a common interest. if you over step the mark they will pull you on it, so don't worry! you can always laugh and appoligise.
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