Some Serious Advice Needed Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#1
Very long account (especially for me, never written so much, apart from in School probably!). So looking for serious help, and really wouldn't appreciate stupid advice, but any helpful advice will be extremely appreciated.

Ok, so I am very pissed of and looking for advice. Basically, I'm 16, and for the past 16 years have been forced to go to a Christian Church, which is very extreme. It was 2 years ago now that i decided i didn't want anything else to do with the Christian faith but I'm still told to come along. My parents, whilst i love them, (we are kinda close, but many arguments occur i guess, and i would appreciate them for their beliefs if they didn't force it down our throats) i also despise them for what they have done to me. I feel one of these days I will totally lose it, and that's not how i want it to be. My Sister is going through Uni and is a Christian, my brother (who is about to leave for Uni), looks set to be a Christian when he leaves i would say. Anyway today, i am more pissed of than usual. Whilst i never tend to bother listening to the drivel heard in Church, today i couldn't help hearing the sick things the preacher was saying, and that, and only that is why i really do not like Christians at all.

Anyway, what he was saying ... all Christian parents will keep bringing them to Church, and that if they ever left the faith, continue praying for them, and all that. Never let your children not come to Church. Also, reading the bible around the table is imperative (which happens in my house twice a ****ing day since i was born). I got so pissed of here, I felt anger like i have perhaps never felt for someone in my life before, because it is people like that who teach people, my parents for example, that their children's christian lives must be forced upon them, and that rebelling isn't an option. I hate Christians generally because of this, which i admit is an overwhelming minority, but it still keeps my hatred for the rest of them.

Anyway, I want to stay in the place i currently am as all my friends are there currently, but with the nearest relatives an hour or over away, it isn't good on that front, so clearing off from them isn't really an option at the moment. I have no idea what they would say when i flat out refuse to go to Church again. I have no idea if they would chuck me out, or keep me. Last time i mentioned not wanting to go to Church, my Dad briefly mentioned that 'you can't live with us otherwise', which is why i think their extremism could end up in me being chucked out. But also with them being staunch Christians and me being their Son, i don't know if they would chuck me out, because Christians are told to love, and to look after people, and I really don't know what line they would take out when i refuse to go anymore.

Also if they chucked me out it could spark a huge family divide, because I'm sure my family don't realise how extreme my parents actually are with religion, and them and my relatives really get on well, and if they found that i had been chucked out i think they would see my Parents with shock and could spark a divide because My Uncle's and Aunt's aren't Christians (One is kind of, going to church from time to etc. i think) and would be shocked and would obviously not be for my Parent's decision here. My Grans' are both Christians but are not too extreme, but go every week. Also, my Dad is head of a department (and teacher) at the local college and i feel his career could be destroyed if they chucked me out because when people found out that if they chucked me out (trust me, i would be very bitter and would make this very well known) because of the name of religion his reputation could go in to tatters.

Some might say that i could go to a friend's house if i got chucked out, but I have found it very hard to be in friendships until now. None of my friends, for example, know that i go to church. So whilst they are not very close out of school, i would think that we were close in School (but just left anyway now), and seeing more of them now. But staying at one of their houses couldn't really happen as i don't know them well enough (yet) out of school to really ask anyone to do that. And what after those few days staying there for example anyway? One small thing that has really kept me going through all this is Music, as it has helped me to escape from reality sometimes where i can enjoy listening to it. Bit random, but big thanks to the band 'The Killers' because they, above all others have kept me away from severe depression and gets me in a good mood.

Wow, i really have given a life story here, and all serious help is really appreciated. Please no stupid comments, because this is a very hard situation and I'm not sure if some could even have coped until now. So yeah, i really do need help and advice. And please keep this anon for obvious reasons, as i don't want to be identified.

Thank you very much for reading and as said i really appreciate the advice.
0
reply
Zoombini
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#2
Report 11 years ago
#2
wow, that sounds pretty extreem. Are you thinking of going to uni or not? if you are could you just stick it out until you leave?

I think you need to tell your parents how you feel or you'll just be stuck feeling crap for years.
0
reply
sunburnt_note
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#3
Report 11 years ago
#3
Deary me, you are in a tricky situation *hug*

If you really feel like you can't carry on going to your Church (and with extremism like that, I can understand why), then you obviously do need to talk to your parents. Maybe you could go to another church where people turn up every Sunday, but aren't preached to, as such? That way your parents might be satisfied that you're going to church and you're a Christian, but you won't have to be part of the particular Church you hate. Also, it may help mellow your feelings towards other Christians.

I think, though, above everything, you really need to talk to your parents. Maybe you should actually use Christian doctrine to highlight your points - the fact that they should love you unconditionally, regardless of whether you're part of their Church. Also explain that you're not rejecting God or Christianity (even if you ARE lying through your teeth), you just don't like extremist attitudes, they make you uncomfortable. Obviously don't antagonise them, but be firm.

Good luck
0
reply
Aranyani
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#4
Report 11 years ago
#4
Your parents can't force you to do anything you don't want to do.

Just tell them you don't want to go, either make some crap up like 'id prefer to pray in my own way' or just flat out tell them you don't believe in it.

If they threaten to kick you out or whatever then just twist it around on to them and tell them how that would be very unchristian of them (quote the bible if you must! ha)

I'd have cracked by now if my parents forced me to do that, i feel sorry for you :hugs:
0
reply
Aranyani
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#5
Report 11 years ago
#5
Plus, isn't there a point where god goes on about how people should preach about him but should pray quietly to themselves?

Eurgh, the whole bible contradicts itself.
0
reply
onthejubileeline
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#6
Report 11 years ago
#6
I might be able to help - I grew up in a similar situation to you. Well, I'm still in it, to be honest, though it's a little different for me, since I am a Christian, just not in the way my parents would like. But I don't really need to go into that.

The point is, they've forced an opinion on you that you disagree with, therefore, naturally, you are reacting in an angry way. Whether or not the Bible is completely true is moot, and there's no point in getting into a discussion about it, the crux of the issue is, you don't believe it, and no one should be forced to believe anything. Even if you wanted to believe it, you couldn't, because belief isn't external, you don't inherit it from your parents, so if you tried to force yourself to believe, it'd be fake and pointless.

I would recommend that you have a rational, calm discussion about how you feel with your parents. When I was younger, I decided to be an athiest (I'm not anymore), and I told my parents straight out, thinking they'd chuck me out (my dad's a preacher/elder in an evangelical church), but they didn't. They told me they loved me anyway, but asked me to keep an open mind, which is fair enough. They never forced me to go to church after that point, which was great. Your parents are your parents, no matter what faith they are, they'll love you (or they ought to) no matter what. I doubt they'll chuck you out, I think it's likely they're desperate to talk to you about it if there's been tension on the issue for a long time. If they chuck you out, then you're probably better off without them, I know that sounds harsh, but if that's how they react, then you'll need some distance for a while.

Good luck, I hope things turn out better for you.
0
reply
the_fredster_001
Badges: 0
#7
Report 11 years ago
#7
tell your parents and if they flip, i'd get the vicar/priest or whatever to tell your parents to forgive you....
0
reply
moonlit_streets
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#8
Report 11 years ago
#8
Ouch. I really feel for you! I went to a church like that for several years, and the hardest thing I ever did was stand up and leave. I'm still Christian, but I don't go to church. The beliefs that I heard expressed were sickening.

Perhaps sitting down with your elder brother and talking things through would be helpful? Or starting a discussion about why your parents believe the things they do?

Would your parents still be upset if you left and went to another church like sunburnt_note suggested? I know you said you're not Christian, but just getting out of the church you're at now will be good for you, and you can take it from there.

And, do you honestly think they will chuck you out? He may say that in passing, but perhaps it's an idle threat?

Anyway, good luck with everything.
0
reply
uthred50
Badges: 16
#9
Report 11 years ago
#9
Well it wouldn't be very christian of your parents to throw you out would it!?

You could use their own weapon against them and quote the bible:
"fathers do not exasperate your children"
and so on

Or just say you're your own person, they have done their job and brought you up in the faith, now it is time for you to make your own decisions as you are mature enough.

Good luck,
uth =]
0
reply
-Sofi-
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#10
Report 11 years ago
#10
I know how you feel!! Both my parents are vicars, so it's assumed that i HAVE to go to church! it really does my head in! I dunno about you, but i feel that if i was given the choice whether i wanted to go to church or not then i probably would be a christian but as it is i just kinda resent the church!
Maybe you could talk to your parents n just say that you think you need some time away from church to figure out what you believe in for yourself, maybe throwing in a couple of "but i would appreciate it if you kept me in your prayers" just for good measure lol Surely they are your parents first and THEN christians, if they knew that you were unhappy how you are then i'm sure they wouldnt mind whatever you do.
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#11
Report 11 years ago
#11
I can sympathise with your situation as well - I recently told my parents I didn't want to come to our evangelical church any more because I'd stopped believing in it all and being there just made me feel uncomfortable and hypocritical.
They didn't threaten to throw me out of the house, nothing that extreme thank goodness, but they were NOT happy. They tried to force me to continue attending church, and through gradual negotiations I've now ended up only having to go once a month because I'm on the rota for helping out with the childrens' group on those days, but I want to stop even that because I feel like I'm helping to indoctrinate children just like they did to me when I was little, and it makes me feel like such a hypocrite to be brainwashing these kids with something I don't even believe! But when I try to remove myself from the rota not only do the elders of my church try to guilt me into staying because they need more helpers, but my mum (who I usually get on really well with) becomes almost spiteful in her childish guilt-tripping - it's almost like she's saying "If you REALLY loved me you'd do this for me" which makes me feel terrible because I do love her to bits but I just don't think I can compromise on this issue.

Anyway, sorry for the rant - it may not have been entirely constructive but it's good to get it out of my system! I'd advise talking to your parents - being allowed to come once a month instead of every week is definitely good progress, so maybe you could suggest that? I'm 99% sure that even if they did chuck you out, they'd get guilty within a few minutes and ask you to come home... but one can never be certain, and you obviously know them better than I do! I hope all this gets sorted out, I know how hard it is when you feel like your parents are putting their religion before you, so good luck and let us know how it goes!

xx
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
I can sympathise with your situation as well - I recently told my parents I didn't want to come to our evangelical church any more because I'd stopped believing in it all and being there just made me feel uncomfortable and hypocritical.
They didn't threaten to throw me out of the house, nothing that extreme thank goodness, but they were NOT happy. They tried to force me to continue attending church, and through gradual negotiations I've now ended up only having to go once a month because I'm on the rota for helping out with the childrens' group on those days, but I want to stop even that because I feel like I'm helping to indoctrinate children just like they did to me when I was little, and it makes me feel like such a hypocrite to be brainwashing these kids with something I don't even believe! But when I try to remove myself from the rota not only do the elders of my church try to guilt me into staying because they need more helpers, but my mum (who I usually get on really well with) becomes almost spiteful in her childish guilt-tripping - it's almost like she's saying "If you REALLY loved me you'd do this for me" which makes me feel terrible because I do love her to bits but I just don't think I can compromise on this issue.

Anyway, sorry for the rant - it may not have been entirely constructive but it's good to get it out of my system! I'd advise talking to your parents - being allowed to come once a month instead of every week is definitely good progress, so maybe you could suggest that? I'm 99% sure that even if they did chuck you out, they'd get guilty within a few minutes and ask you to come home... but one can never be certain, and you obviously know them better than I do! I hope all this gets sorted out, I know how hard it is when you feel like your parents are putting their religion before you, so good luck and let us know how it goes!

xx
Nah, i couldn't go again, it just couldn't happen. The Church is smallish (50-60) and everyone knows each other well. I couldn't face seeing those people ever again. I agree very much on the comment that your Mum said about loving them. Ridiculous, they've said it before, and made me feel awful, that's why i dodn't like bringing the subject up for starters!

Anyway Guys, all your post are really helpful and appreciated. I wish i could give you all rep, but only once a day that can be done

Anyway, I don't think i even believe in God tbh, well the Christian one anyway, so would not want to go to another Church, whatever. Also, i could never talk things through with my older brother, who is an immature grump (to put things bluntly), who i really don't get along with. I do think that my Dad just said those words that 'you couldn't live with us if you don't come with us anymore' just a moment of lapse, and i, like many of you, actually believe that they wouldn't chuck me out after all, but still wary about it all. I find it really hard to find ways to get chatting to my parents on this matter, the only times we have had chats in the past are when they request to, and they are very far inbetween, so never really have expressed my full views, but from my body language they know I'm not anywhere near a Christian as they always tell me to take money for collection, and to sing louder, but i never do both. And also, i rarely listen to sermons unless there are outrageous ones like this one just experienced.

As I said, all your comments are extremely appreciated, and I'm hoping to pluck up the courage and say a few things to them sometime by next Sunday evening.
0
reply
LA_0909
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#13
Report 11 years ago
#13
My cousin went through a similar situation recently. Her Dad recently 'found God' in a very evangelical way. Since they moved back to the UK her Dad forces the whole family to go to church several times a week, and my cousin is made to go and help at all the church run centers looking after homeless people and such.

She is a christian herself, but doesn't hold such extreme views, and she asked her Dad if she could attend another church. Although he wasn't pleased about it he has let her, as long as she helps out at the centers run by his church.

I really feel for you, as my cousin's Dad tries to force his religious views upon everyone else, and for me it is quite scary how misinformed he is on other religions. For instance he think that there is a muslim prophet called "Mufassa" as opposed to Mohammed.

Good luck *hugs*
0
reply
xBillyBrownx
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#14
Report 11 years ago
#14
I'm really sorry about this. You're really stuck aren't you? I think you must let them know how you feel. Tell them that they can't force their beliefs upon you, and that it only makes things worse and only makes you hate Christianity more. Tell them if they really wanted to help you and to put you on the right track that they should let you be, and allow you to make your own choices. They should allow you to make those discoveries yourself, because Christianity really isn't that bad at all (although I'm not Christian myself) it's just extremism that is, and it's the idea that you have to other choice. So yes, I definitely think you should talk to them about it tell them that you don't want to be forced into believing in this. But I also think that you should reconsider, and to remember that not all Christians are that extreme, it's just a small minority.
Anyway, good luck with it all! If you need help you may PM .
0
reply
psycopath
Badges: 0
#15
Report 11 years ago
#15
You will be saved as long as you lead a good and fulfilling life and you are judged on your deeds and secret thoughts faith in Christ is all thats necessary and the belief that he was resurrected everything else is just social control spear headed by the Church ignore it completely.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#16
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#16
Thanks people ... I'm going to do this tonight at about 7pm before the football! I'm quite nervous, and was wondering how to start a talk off, as i have never started a discussion on religion with my parents in my life before, it's always someone else or them who starts it. So anyway what shall i say, i was thinking off starting by saying 'mum, dad, i've got a few questions and a few things to say, firstly ...' and there i was thinking of saying what i think a huge flaw of the bible is, with Noah's ark. I mean, how did the animals spread themselves out and where did the different species come from? If this happened it would have been over not the 6000 (max) years as the bible (from genalogies state that the earth is roughly 6000 years old), but if animals were to disperse the continents would have to be joined up, and they would take millions of years to get to where they are now ... Anyway that is one thing i'm thinking of saying, anything else? cos i'm sure i will just freeze up at the time and won't know what to say!
0
reply
uthred50
Badges: 16
#17
Report 11 years ago
#17
The arguement many christians put forward of the stories of the bible, particularly much of the old testament, is that the stories are metaphorical and didn't really happen, but are tales to teach us how to live. This idea then excuses the many practical faults in these stories, so don't be surprised if they use this arguement to defend the bible.

To be perfectly honest you shouldn't have to explain yourself to them by means of ridiculing the bible or by any other means, you are entitled to your opinion To be truthful though, most religious people need their faith as a means of self support and meaning, so i wouldn't go directly putting down something which they obviously so firmly believe in. I know that's hard after they've thrust it upon you for so long and it was wrong of them to do that without letting you make your own choices, but they were probably just doing what they thought was right.

Don't be scared; be firm and voice your opinion. Talk to them maturely on more of a level if you can rather than a parent-child sort of conversation, so they realise you have thought seriously about it and hopefully appreciate you're mature enough to make the decision.

Good luck!
uth =]
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#18
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#18
Cheers for that reply I'm pretty sure they don't think along the 'old testament stories were metaphorical', i'm pretty sure again that they believe everything in the bible itself. Still wondering how to tell it to them though lol =/
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#19
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#19
should have said, more comments the better here, they are all really appreciated
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#20
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#20
about to do it really, so any last minute advice....!
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Would you turn to a teacher if you were being bullied?

Yes (10)
21.74%
No (36)
78.26%

Watched Threads

View All