Some Serious Advice Needed Watch

Anonymous #1
#21
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#21
sorry to post again but i'm wondering whether to do this now, i really need some motivation, because i really need to say this
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AfricanPhantom
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#22
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#22
I'm a jew and we never have this kind of ****.

Join us muhahahahaha.
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spatula01
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#23
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#23
I think you know you need to. Building up this level of anger towards an entire group of people and your family in particular is not going to do anyone any good. Just be calm, and reasonable. I wouldn't try to argue the validity of the Bible, its a bit of a circular argument really. Just tell them how you don't feel that Church is helping and that if anything its pushing you farther and farther away from the idea of faith full stop.
I should add that I have a family just like that, but I used to sneak in a cassette player to church under my coat . When I was 11 it jammed and made a big whirring noise during a prayer. Needless to say I have never been made to go since. I do go on Christmas Day just to support my family though and because I quite like singing the carols :P
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Anonymous #1
#24
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#24
was just going to pluck up the courage and my nan phoned. guaranteed 30 mins convo with my mum at least as she has just come back from hols. this is such a BIG moment for me, can people keep my motivation up, because i'm really feeling i cba or just won't do it atm again
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Somebody
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#25
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#25
Haahaa! Got to love timing like that haven't you?!

Always happens (sod's Law!)

Right, so that wasn't useful. Maybe this is.

I'm a Christian and did a gap year with my church in 2006-07. My church is a Youth church, and while they don't force their opinions down your throat in sermons or whatever (they always re-iterate it's you choice...) it is a very evangelical church and I don't feel comfortable doing anything evangelistic / that could be percieved as forceful.

I know what you mean about it being hard to talk about. Last year I bottled it up until about this time last year actually. Then I broke down in tears infront of about 200 Year 9 pupils. That was fun! Spoke to my boss and she was understanding, but I still had to carry on with what I was doing, though it did change a bit.

Basically, you do need to talk to them otherwise bottling up your feelings may make you do something you regret. Dealing with a conscequence that *should* be temporary (a few days of awkwardness as you parents come to terms with your views for example) is better than a lifetime of regret!

If the sermons are along the lines of the one you mentioned and the church is small, your parents probably force you along to church as they don't want to be seen as "bad" parents.
But "good" parents should listen and respect their children's feelings. They may be a bit "disappointed", but should understand you need to make your own mind up.

From personal experience, the more Christianity is shoved down my throat, the less I want to do with it. Hence me not going to church for the first half of the university year
Perhaps "bend the truth" a little and say that you need your own time and space to collect your thoughts and build a relationship with God, and that going to church is having the opposite efect. Perhaps tell them that you don't agree with everything said in the sermons, but you understand where they are coming from, but need to find how to translate these believes with you believes if that makes sense?

Hopefully your parents should listen to you and understand. A lot of Christians come across as forceful in their believes, but would be mortified to find that they make others feel upset / angry / uncomfortable etc in the way they come across!

Hope it goes well - keep us informed! *hugs*
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uthred50
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#26
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#26
Good luck old bean!!

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Rileigh
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#27
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#27
how'd it go?

I tried to refuse to go to church when i was younger and it really didnt go down well with my parents. My mother was really upset and essentially wanted to change my mind so she'd ask me what aspects I disagreed with and then try to prove each of them wrong. So I told her I believed in God I just hated church and basically refused to enter into discussion about it. Luckily they weren't as extreme as your parents though.

My dad was like "well if you don't go to church, what's going to happen to you?" like it'd automatically mean I'd become some **** drug addict?

Definitely talk to them. My parents kept to the "you're under our roof, you're under our rules" thing though. Luckily since going to uni, when I come back for the holidays they don't force me to go.
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Anonymous #1
#28
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#28
Well i didn't do it My Mum was watching tv in one room, and my dad was watching the football and then we watched heroes (couldn't find how to put a word in in between) and then i felt too tired to say anything. Ironically i thought heroes was almost apt to my situation (with claire and her father). Anyway lol, bit random that, but i'm going to say it tonight. I have to go one of these stupid young peoples evenings with the church on most friday nights, so will voice my opinions just before. SO at around 7pm i'm hoping. I'm thinking if i don't do it then i won't ever say it, but will end up sooner than later shouting it and losing it. I almost done this the other week. So almost just before church! Anyway thanks to all your replies again, may be bumping this later looking for motivation again or something lol
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StandingOnAir
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#29
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#29
I'd agree with others and advise you not to attack the Bible. For fundamentalist types who take the Bible literally (I presume that's what your parents are like), you believe in God because it says so in the Bible, and you believe in the Bible because it says it was God-breathed. It's all a bit circular, but if you go in there having a go at the Bible, they'll take it as if you're having a go at God. And while that may be what you want to do, it'll probably aggravate them.

I also agree with others who have said that you ought to tell them you're going to another Church. I know that's not what you want to do, but if you don't want to upset them to the extent that they'll want to kick you out, I think it's your best option. There are hundreds of Churches that are as different to your current Church as it's possible to be, and so even if you don't believe most of it, you won't have to sit through the hateful stuff your current place comes out with. If you don't want your parents to go mad, I think you're going to have to make a compromise, and I genuinely think that your best option is to tell them you've found this really nice Church that you'd rather go to. They might be upset, but you'd still be a Christian in their eyes, so I reckon they'd be less likely to try to force you back to theirs.
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Anonymous #1
#30
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#30
I'm not looking at a compromise. I'm sick of the religion. If they say i have to go because of this, i'm going to have to find accommodation else where (exams finishing mean that i could stay at a nans if the worst came to the worst that is!!!). I don't think they would ever do this as said, but i have no idea what they will say. i just found a website for the church, i'm sure with sermons about hell etc. and many times saying how much of a sin homosexuality is and many more controversial beliefs on their website they could get into trouble about it (latest one being also very controversial isn't there yet). Could it be seen almost on the same wavelength as what some muslims got into trouble for preaching before, or am i just being plain stupid and being very bitter about it all? I'm not posting the website as i'm a bit paranoid about someone contacting them (contact links are on the site) and showing them this thread, and as many people have advised my Parents wouldn't want to know all of it like this.

I know what they are going to say to me for starters anyway, they said it last time. 'You have been bewitched by the world, and it is so sad to see.' Another thing they said which i haven't said 'You will live by our rules in this house, what you do after is up to you, but we don't want you to go to hell. We are willing to take the chance that you will grow bitter [cos i said i will grow bitter] towards the faith but you will continue coming to church with us.' Also they've said from time to time (and it's been preached, especially last sunday) that 'you children being Christians is as important as it is to be a christian ourselves.' The ironic thing is here that my Father (and mother) (to my knowledge) has never been acting like this type of staunch Christian in front of my family. They are very normal in front of them, and I'm sure my Aunts and Uncles would be shocked if they heard the extent of their actions, as our Family is very good and nice, noone gets drunk, no swearing etc. but it's only my Father and Mother that are religious out of their brothers and sisters.

I've posted loads more again here!!, hoping to say something to them just after dinner tonight now, as it turns out my mum is going on a pre wedding do (what ever they're called, forgot) at 6.30. You guys are really a great help, and i really appreciate every comment made here, as otherwise i seem a bit cut off, so please keep posting people!!!
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StandingOnAir
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#31
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#31
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not looking at a compromise. I'm sick of the religion.
I understand you're angry and frustrated - anyone would be in your position - and I think you're doing the right thing by getting away from that church. But you seemed to be asking advice about how to make this go as smoothly as possible with your parents, and I do think that if that's going to happen, you're going to need to go a little out of your way to make things easier on them at first. You're in no way obliged to, of course, and it's easy to understand why you don't want to, but I think it would lessen the conflict.
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Anonymous #1
#32
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#32
Right guys, parents haven't really been alone together for me to say something to them for a while, but i guess they will tonight so i should be saying it tonight!!! :rolleyes: Anyway, decided to say that i don't want to go etc. firstly and then ask them what they think about some questions about it all. Some last minute advice/motivation would be great and would be great if someone could make some words up on wht to say as i really don't know how to start the convo and also to say i don't want to go anymore. Thanks for your help people again. If i don't do it tonight i guess i will never say it, so i'm determined to say it this time!!!
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Somebody
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#33
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#33
Good luck!

Erm, not sure how to start it off.... Maybe wit hthe "Mum, Dad, can I talk to you a bit please?"

Not sure if it's relevant to be bringing this point in, but my pastor today was saying how Christians need to be "real" and show their flaws. Being fake isn't going to help anyone. Jesus ridiculed the Pharisees who were doing everything "right" because they'd lost themselves in the rules. But he seeked out the "sinners" who were being real with God - not doing things just because they thought they had to - doing it because they wanted to (huge difference there). And gave an awesome testimony about sex, drugs, drink and being beaten up etc - even though he's been a Christian all his life. (I can also recommend a couple of books about this is needed)

Unfortunately, it's hard to explain that to people who aren't open to the idea of being vunerable - which your parents sound like they don't want to be.

All I can advise is stay calm no matter what, be honest and invite them to ask you questions about your choice if you feel you can handle it - it may help them understand.

Once again, good luck! *hugs*
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Anonymous #1
#34
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#34
Right, i have a big problem. BIG. And this situation is far worse than i thought it would be. Just to say, i only managed to say what i wanted to today (there is a reason to why i waited for about a week or more because i had a trip to Paris for a few days to cut it short, but i didn't want this thing to hazard that trip so that's why its being done now and not 2 weeks ago!). Anyway it was about 15 minutes before Church in evening. that i manage to pluck up the courage, and **** the reaction was worse than i thought. It now seems my Dad meant what he said. He said that i am living under their roof and must live under their rules at the same time. Also that i am 'apostosising' (sp?) and that i will go to hell. I totally lost it and started crying as it seems that its either going to church for the next 2 years (until uni) or living somewhere else. We are going to continue the chat after my small bro has gone to bed in about 10-15 mins. I seriously need help on what to do. I'm going to try and calm things down, no shouting, emotions etc. Thinking about it now i couldn't care less if i lived away from them if this i what it was going to be like for the next 2 years. But how do i go about this if my Parents don't change thier mind (which is probable). Gtg, and need replies in the next 10 mins on advice on what i should do!!!!
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Anonymous #1
#35
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#35
i have 10 minutes max people, all help really appreciated because im stuck on what to do really. If they are adament that i am to abide by their rules and my Dad said at the start of the talk that if i was not to go to church it would cost me £70 to rent there for me, dunno if it was meant or not, but i am really considering moving out if this is the case as my feelings for them are totally the opposite of love atm, and i will never love them again unless they can do something quick, and i think helping me find a flat etc. and funding me might be the only way if their demands to me don't change.
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Anonymous #1
#36
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#36
Reason i say the above was because they get on fine with non christians (their brothers and sisters) and see them not very regularly, so if i was to become like that (they help me find a flat elsewhere and help me financially) would a decent relationship hold still do you think?
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Anonymous #1
#37
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#37
Please someone say something....
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randomgirl
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#38
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#38
I'm too late

But, have you spoken to other non or less-religious relatives? Maybe you could stay with them for a while? Or at least use them as a back-up incase you do really get kicked out?
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Jelkin
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#39
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#39
Yeah, sorry, I only just read the entire thread

I really think staying with other relatives is a good idea - if anything, it'll get them on your side. It's a really tough situation. I know you said you'd miss your friends but you also mentioned that you're not *that* close to them, and you can still keep in touch and all that. It really seems like the best option.

I do feel awful for you and think you're in the right, but I will add - your parents are being like this because they love you and GENUINELY believe you'll go to hell if you don't go to church. I would feel so resentful if I were you, but they do care about you and it is possible they will come around, especially if you have family backing you up.
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Anonymous #3
#40
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#40
I can't believe this. Are you my brother from another mother? I have pretty much the same situation as you, only my family are muslims. I'm at uni now, but I've come back for the summer. God I can't wait to get back to my London flat. My father was enraged when I overslept and couldn't attend friday prayers, he threw his car keys at me, nice. I don't know how I can even break it to them that I don't believe. My mum would be devasted, I still get along with her. I hate my dad. My plan is to move back to my flat when the contract begins, and then break to them. I'd have a place to stay if it goes tits up. They don't know where it is either, so if it really boils over I'd be able to cut all ties with them. My suggestion to you is get a job, save, find a place and move is need be. Best of luck to you!
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