*HEAVY TOPIC* Contacting severely ill estranged parent? Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 week ago
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I apologise in advance for the heavy question and the things I'll be discussing. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, so here I am...

I'm currently 21 years old and haven't spoken to my father in about 10 years. My 4 older siblings all have a relationship with him, but I feel like my situation is different. I lived with him for the first 4 years of my life (without my siblings) and his gf and their child. No physical abuse happened, but I was treated like the family pet. After moving with my mother who had fought hard to get custody of me I finally learned of the man he was. He was an abuser, and did absolutely awful, disgusting things to my mother before she was able to escape from him. I was forced to visit him during the holidays due to a court order, but we never had a relationship and after years of refusing to stay with him, my siblings stopped trying to convince me to come.

And so I haven't spoken to him in years, and don't feel a need to. However a few days ago he had 2 strokes, and now has a blood clot in his brain and is paralysed from shoulders down. I don't have any desire to form a relationship with him, but I feel a sense of guilt for not contacting him a little throughout all of this.

I'm conflicted on whether I should send him a message (something simple like my condolences and I hope he can find comfort in his situation) or ignore him as usual, and let my siblings comfort him in his final years. Would I regret not reaching out to my estranged father? Or should I be focusing on my own mental health and be looking out for my mother, as I know she dislikes the relationship my siblings have with him (and rightfully so).
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londonmyst
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Report 1 week ago
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Sometimes it is best to leave the past well alone.
Particularly when the reason for avoiding contact is to protect your own state of mind.
Or remove yourself from a situation where past unpleasant actions can be repeated.

I chose to cut contact with my ancestors (parents & maternal grandmother) when I was 18 and I don't regret it.
I stayed in touch with my paternal uncle, who was disabled as a result of being violently attacked in the street.
Last time I spoke to my parents was at his funeral and I doubt I will talk to them again.

Just do what you think is right- go with your gut instinct.
You don't owe him anything.
If you don't want a relationship with him, don't feel the need to speak to him and can't overcome negative feelings towards him for his actions to your mother- that tells you all you need to know.

Was your father a serial domestic abuser with a criminal record?
Did your father's girlfriend experience abuse and leave as your mother did?
If so, it is possible that your half sibling could have seen many abusive incidents and be feeling similar emotions to you.
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