Girlfriend and best (female) mate Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#1
Iv been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. Before i met her i used to live with 3 girls in student housing, from day 1 i got on very well with one of the girls. Long story short over the next 18 months (before i met my gf) we became best mates & very close.

When i started going out with my girlfriend i drifted away from her (my mate) a bit, but over the last 6 months or so she has started to come back a bit, more so over the last 2 months. She will leave me messages on facebook quite often(sometimes flirty), call me, ask me to go round and see her (she is having a rough time with her boyfriend & her nursing placement) and that sort of stuff.

Its trying to figure out what i do form here thats bothering me atm. If i confront my mate i know how badly it will upset her because we are so close and she feels she can really talk to me, and we'll loose all of this. But at the same time it really is getting to my girlfriend and upsetting her quite a bit.


Any ideas on how i can ask my mate to take a few steps back without looseing her as a friend altogether?
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Zoombini
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#2
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i can understand why your gf is upset but you need to explain to her that she means more to you than your mate does but that doesnt mean your going to ignore your friend. Try explaining that if it was a guy mate you'd be the same and im sure she wouldnt be offended in that case.
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Anonymous #1
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Iv tried explaining to my girlfriend but hasnt helped much. Everytime my friend calls me (this morning & yesterday morning) or invites me round (this afternoon) it upsets my gf quite a bit and im left with a friend who is having a tough time & needs someone to speak to, and a girlfriend who is getting upset by it.


Its just trying to ask my friend to take a step back and try and find another outlet/someone to talk to without looseing her as a friend.
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Anisaar
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#4
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Have you ever introduced the two? Might be an idea to go out for a drink with them both plus some others for comfortable...ness. If your girlfriend sees there's nowt to worry about she's less likely to get upset. Also, because she's such a close friend, tell the friend a little bit about the girlfriends woes, 'cause she's sure to understand.
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Bitter..Sweet
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Okay. Your close mates and the fact that shes a girl shouldn't get in the way. I'm sure if you were having a rough time she would be there for you. Do you genuinely want to help her or are you worried about your girlfriend? Because your girlfriend should be reassured that there is nothing to be worried about. Yeah I agree that you should tell your girlfriend how you are feeling and see if she understands. But theres no reason for you to be feeling guilty.
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Mcjazz
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Heh, you're a bit stuck there. I sympathise with your mate but her sending you flirty messages on facebook etc isn't really on. It seems that she's fed up with her bf and looking to you to comfort her instead of him. She's feeling quite vulnerable I take it, and I think you should still be there for her but don't respond to her messages with flirty responses, and try to avoid going round and seeing her. With the phone calls, see if there's something you could do to cut them down. Maybe say you're busy or whatever. I also like the idea of introducing your gf to her. Tricky situation, good luck :p:
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alleycat393
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I was in a similar situation to yours with my being in the place of your girlfriend and was told by my boyfriend that his mate was like any other guy mate...he's planning to introduce us soon which he feels will help the situation. From my perspective, I was a lot happier when my boyfriend took a step back from his mate in terms of how often he communicated with her-not going around that much or at odd hours of the day and night...there's nothing wrong with having close mates of the opposite sex as far as am concerned but within limits which my boyfriend and I sat down and discussed with him putting himself in my shoes and vice versa
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Bitter..Sweet
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But speaking from the point of view of being the 'best mate', I don't get why girlfriends feel insecure. My guy mates girlfriends' have always disliked me just because we are really close. I mean if we had romantic feelings we would go out with each other but we are not so they shouldn't be worried.
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Mcjazz
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(Original post by Bitter..Sweet)
But speaking from the point of view of being the 'best mate', I don't get why girlfriends feel insecure. My guy mates girlfriends' have always disliked me just because we are really close. I mean if we had romantic feelings we would go out with each other but we are not so they shouldn't be worried.
But do you send them flirty facebook messages, ring them twice a day and ask them to come around often?
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Anonymous #2
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Introductions are a good start (that's obviously if they haven't already met)
Your girlfriends probably going to feel a bit threatened if you have a close girl mate she hasn't had time to get to know, and at the same time if your friend doesnt meet you're girlfriend she might feel like she's just losing a friend as you don't want to introduce them.
I drifted away from my closest guy mate for a couple of months, he met his girlfriend and i felt like that i had kind of just been swept to the side, once i said this to him, the friendship started returning to normal but it took a few months before i said anything. Most of my other mates had met her before me, and it wasn't ever planned that this would happen, just through events and days she came round i was never there. Then when i finally did, i think she kind of had to get used to the idea very quickly we were very close. Especially as when the meeting happened, we'd got back to the closeness we had always had previously.

Just make it clear to your girlfriend you're with her and you and your friend are jsut that 'friends' i know it sounds silly, but she probably just needs the reassurance, as much as your mate probably just needs to hear from you that she means a lot to you aswell, and that you're not willing to lose her as a close friend, yet may need to spend that bit less time with her as its upsetting your girlfriend.
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Bitter..Sweet
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(Original post by Mcjazz)
But do you send them flirty facebook messages, ring them twice a day and ask them to come around often?
No he rings me more than twice a day I never have to make the effort. Fair enough I don't send flirty messages though we went through a stage where his flirtatious messages were worse than mine, but we overcame it.
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Mcjazz
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#12
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(Original post by Bitter..Sweet)
No he rings me more than twice a day I never have to make the effort. Fair enough I don't send flirty messages though we went through a stage where his flirtatious messages were worse than mine, but we overcame it.
Well I imagine that's why the girlfriends get worried.
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Anonymous #1
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They have met several times, but my girlfriend has always been wary of her especially the more she has gotten to know her & how flitry she can be.

Iv got 3 more missed calls from her today alone and she is asking me to go over again to see her. I know she has it tough and unfortunately i am one of the few people she can talk to but i just cant think fo a way of asking her to take a step back, without looseing her as a friend!
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alleycat393
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maybe instead of asking her to step back you can step back a bit?? again from the 'girlfriend''s position I would never dream of saying anything to the mate but I would expect my boyfriend to understand how I felt about his relationship with his mate and do summat about it....maybe you can go around to see your mate less and talk to her on the phone once in two or three days if you get my drift...she'll get the hint hopefully...if you guys are that close am sure talking everyday is not absoultely necessary...that way your girlfriend will at least realise that you're making an effort to make her feel secure-which believe me is MUCH appreciated-and your mate might notice the change but like I said if you guys are close am sure it won't make THAT much of a difference to your friendship...
oh and discussing any of this with your mate might cause problems with your girlfriend!
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LawGirl 91
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#15
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It's a tough situation and i do sympathize with you as your trying very hard to not hurt anyone which i think is pretty lovely. I assume that your girlfriend knows your friend is going through a harsh time? If not that might be a start. Also if she has met and your best friend was flirty then i don't blame her for being worried.

I'd say that you need to sit down with this friend, because at the moment she is texting you in the morning and your going round in the afternoon...i can't imagine when you have time alone for your actual girlfriend, and let her know that while you are trying to help her through this you have a relationship to maintain and that you will help her when you can but from my point of view there is only a handful of problems that i would count as needing that much constant attention.

Don't overlook your girlfriends fear as i see them as justified.
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Wedgie
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#16
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If your mate is as good a friend as you say she surely wouldn't have a problem if you told her that you couldn't come around as you are spending time with your GIRLFRIEND or you are busy atm can I call you back later.
Perhaps you could chat later or something, and tell your GF going to ring [insert name here]. The more open about it you are the better I think. You just need to reassure your GF that there is nothing between the two of you. It's hard, and being the "friend" in most of these situations and having been accused of stuff by jealous girlfriends isn't nice!! Most girls don't have a problem with lads having close friends who happen to be girls, just some do.
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cascadingstylez
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#17
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Why not invite your friend to your house so your girlfriend can try to make friends with your friend? You never know, they may become good friends.

I would sit down with your girlfriend and explain to her how you feel about her and that you are just trying to help a friend out. It must be hard for her aswell. If i switch the tables round I know i would not be happy with my GF seeing a male friend all the time.

I don't really know what else to say.
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