Feel like I'm leaving uni with no friends :( Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 11 years ago
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Posting anon as some people I know from uni come on here.

I'm a 19 year old girl just about to go into my third and final year of uni. I wish I could look back on the years I've spent there so far and say I've really enjoyed it but I cant. I expected my uni life to be so much better and I just feel so disappointed and down about it.

Earlier I read a note that a friend of a friend posted on facebook. She is just about the graduate and the note was basically an emotional account of her memories and the friends she met at uni. She seemed to have a great time and had met friends who really valued her - and its just dawned on me that I dont have any of that.

At school I didnt really have that many close friends. Most of the people I hung out with were quite nasty and were constantly putting me down so I wanted uni to be a fresh start. I'm not the most confident and self assured person in the world, but I am very friendly. I was scared about moving away from home but I put on a confident front and just tried to be myself. In the first year, I made friends with everyone in my halls. I joined a few societies but ended up not going after the first few times because I lacked the confidence. But it didnt really matter as I had my hall mates and a few people from seminars.

In the 2nd year, it all went a bit wrong. There were 10 people in my part of the halls-and we split into 2 groups to share houses. The 5 girls I was friends with decided to live together and ended up getting a house quite far away from me, so I didnt often see them. A lot of them got bfs and so didnt bother with me much - but at the end of the year they started a huge argument with me, saying that I hadnt bothered with them. This wasnt true - I arranged nights out but they were constantly cancelling on me and letting me down so I just gave up after a while. They even refused to share a taxi with me when we DID go clubbing because they didnt want the hassle of it maybe being more expensive - though I was willing to pay my share.

The people I lived with in the 2nd year were fine in halls but in a student house, they were a nightmare. They made friends with the Grunge society so my house was always filled with strangers being noisy until 5am most nights. We fell out over this because they were so inconsiderate. They were also really petty about cleaning and a lot of *****ing went on - which made me feel really uncomfortable. At the end of the year, 2 of them graduated and I don't count the other people I lived with as good friends, as they ganged up on me when the girls started the argument I mentioned earlier.

So that brings me here, about to start my third year and feeling really lost. I feel like I'm going to leave uni with no close friends and I really dont want that to happen. I try to make the effort with people from seminars etc but they never seem to want to get close to me. There have been a few people who I've gone out with for lunch and stuff, but it never amounts to anything. I'm fed up of having millions of acquaintances but not many people I can count as friends.

Even the people I'm living with next year arent very good friends. I'm living with 2 girls from the girly house I mentioned (the ones who argued with me) and they're really close to eachother but theres a bit of an atmosphere between us at the moment due to that fight just before term ended. One of them in particular said some really hurtful things so I dont think I can really make it up completely with her knowing what she thinks of me.

Does anyone else feel like this? Its just that I see so many people who have loads of close friends and it makes me feel so lonely as I don't really have anyone. Every friend I've made has turned out to be two-faced or just not bothered about me

I've planned to join a few societies when I go back and actually stick to it - something I regret not having the confidence to do in the 1st year! But I dont really know what else I can do. Any advice? Why is so hard to get good friends I can trust? lol
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katerose
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I think that uni is a little bit overrated in terms of this expectation that it's going to be life-changing, that you're going to meet friends for life etc. etc. I had a terrible time at uni and didn't make any decent friends there- certainly no-one I talk to now - but I think you've gone in with the right attitude and it's probably just been a bad hand you've been dealt. It's a shame your housing situation didn't work out too I think the best thing like you say is to join some societies and keep trying, but not to be too disheartened if you don't meet people before uni ends - sometimes it just doesn't work out so well, and it's not your fault. Good luck for next year
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Anonymous #1
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I never expected it to be life changing but I did expect to have at least a few good friends. So many people say "uni is when you make friends for life"...not in my experience but guess I'll have to get back out there and keep trying
Any other people feel like me?
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abc1234
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Yeah only my experience is at college, maybe I should try that UCAS student thing to get a head start?
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xJessx
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Hi,
I haven't started uni yet but this is the reason why I wasn't brave enough to move out. I've got offers from local unis now that I'm happy with but I'm still worried about meeting people. This has given me a bit of a nudge towards the societies direction - I hope it goes well for you and katerose is right, it does sound lie you've been dealt a bad hand. It doesn't sound like your fault. What about meeting people through work/volunteering? Don't worry, it sounds like you have a good attitude and good things come to those who wait! X
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hannah_dru
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I'm further back than you are but I'm not getting on that well. Unlike you I haven't had anyone being nasty towards me as such, but more ignoring me. My flatmates (who've just left and now its me on my own) were all about going out as much as they could and being loud so we didn't really connect. I'm also a light sleeper, have to get up early for work and so I moaned at them a fair bit. In the case of coursemates I felt like we'd connected but i'm not so sure due to the lack of responses I've had over the past few months.
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boffin_89
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sorry to hear about that. just got to stick with it, im sure you will find someone who you trust, its like me in college. i started new, and no-one liked me to start of with, just get to know people with similar intrests.

Ps how do you start an annoymous thread???
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naivesincerity
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I never expected it to be life changing but I did expect to have at least a few good friends. So many people say "uni is when you make friends for life"...not in my experience but guess I'll have to get back out there and keep trying
Any other people feel like me?
Yeah, but you're only really young. Loads of time to find better times, just don't believe uni has to be the best days. Plus, at least you have progressed and passed your course.
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thanette
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At least you have one more year to go-definitely consider joining societies this year. I would not go out of your way to please your housemates-be civil of course,but they will notice if you don't go out of your way to please them, and probably dislike it. How about on your course? With new modules it could be the opportunity to meet new students? You could poss get a local job to build your confidence and meet a variety of people there, and would get you out of the house and atmosphere there. Remember it is you not them (from what you have said); don't let their attitudes affect your degree result,you will be rid of them come this time next year!
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plus_one
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Firstly, get out of the cliche mentality that uni is meant to change your life and give you friends for life. Friends usually pop out of no where, and it just seems that you have been unlucky.

I suggest you just become more laid back, more cool about things, maybe don't make such an effort (I know it's paradoxical) and you will see that your relationship with people with flow much better. Don't "force" friendships or take things personally, just go with the flow. When you go out, wear a smile, be talkative and open.
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lodzinski
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societies help, and living in a sociable flat is a big one too - can you be a social member of a sports club? I know at aston the sports clubs are very sociable and being a social member of them is a great way to make friends. if you are in a big student accomodation next year, try talking to people in the common rooms etc.

(where are you living next year hannah_dru??)
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Rokit
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I think what I would say to all of you is do not be so desperate to meet people/ make friends etc

In my first month at uni I started hanging around with people in my halls. They were simply ok. I felt like I had to make an effort so went on the terribly boring pub crawl and listened to one particular guy going on and on. I am a person of little patience and realised that I actually preferred to hang out with the grumpy guy who lived opposite me and another girl in my seminars. That is how I began to make my close friends. I stopped doing what everyone else was doing and did what I felt like doing.

My friends werent the most popular people who everyone rushed to (apart from the girl mentioned above) I chose to hang out with them because it felt right, was easy and I knew I could be myself without offending anyone. This was back in 2000. I am meeting that same grumpy guy, his friends whom I met through him and the girl who kind of joined out circle for drinks next weekend so you could say the friendship went well at uni

Dont try to hard in your third year, be yourself and dont be afraid to voice your opinions or challenge people. If you dont feel comfortable with people from the start then dont feel obliged to chat to them/stay with them. You will soon find out that the others around them do not like them either but are afraid to say so

Good luck
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Lolly-88
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Aww, I'm sorry you had a bad time. I've only just finished my first year and university is pretty crap. I defintely would advise you to do volunteering related to something you're interested in, not only will it boost your CV but you're more likely to meet people who clould be potential friends. Alot of people always recommend to join societies but i've found that they aren't really a great place to meet people either but it could be different at your uni.
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251
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you probably are valued, but ur friends may not be vocal types at telling/showing you how much they do value you
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totalblam_blam
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I'm really sorry that you've had a tough time; you do seem to have gone into the uni experience with the right attitude and have tried hard, but you've just met with unfortunate situations. I can't really offer anything other than what's already been said once or twice here; you're at the very beginning of your life, you've got so many great times to come, and even if you do leave uni with no close friends, there's so much time ahead of you, working, socialising, just generally living, where you're going to meet fantastic people and make great friends. University isn't a life-fixing situation, and it can be a disappointment for people who have enormously high expectations, but don't feel like a failure just because you haven't had the time of your life: that's still to come. It would be a pretty rotten life if the best of it was just those three years, after all.

Good luck with your third year. You never know what might happen.
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suicidal_dream
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Uni is over-rated in the respect of meeting friends. Sure I met a few people I really clicked with in my first year... then they changed unis or dropped out entirely.

Like you op, i'm also heading into my third and final year but to be honest, I'm not entirely bothered with the lack of friends or whatever.
I refuse to go out of my way and be someone that I'm not simply to make more friends.

I have plenty of friends at home that mean the world to me, and quite frankly, its where I'm happiest!

Get through your last year, go out and make friends if you want.
I've still got plans to volunteer, simply because it gives me something else to do.

I found joining societies was really difficult to make friends in - they all got really clique-y right at the beginning of term and didn't want to get to know anyone else.
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Schroedinger's Pandora
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Hi there OP, I agree with what's been said so far in that people often have very inaccurate perceptions of what uni life is like, and as a result, people can end up rather disappointed with the reality. The exceptions to this are rare in my experience.

I left my hometown to come to uni shortly after leaving quite an opressive relationship, during which I never made any real friends. I expected uni to be a fresh start, get some proper friends and start enjoying being young.. And it was, for a while. In my second year, I was the only one who's parents wouldn't cough up the £1500 needed upfront for the house we all wanted to share, so I ended up back in halls on my own and they kept very little contact with me, assuming because i'd become an inconvenience living so far away. I felt a bit lost and lonely too, my new housemates were a bunch of inconsiderate wierdos who rarely socialised anyway.

I've been good friends with a few people from my course, but to be honest, it seems to be a regular pattern for people to drift apart as uni comes to an end. I've kept in contact with people I've met during uni and have since graduated, and from my perspective, and through talking to those people, even friends you considered "close" at uni soon find that you are no longer a convenience to their lives when you've left. Even tight-knit groups I knew last year no longer give each other the time of day since they graduated. My coursemates have been my friends since day dot at uni, but now I'm lucky if i get a reply to a text. It's like that for many, many people.. Of course people sometimes stay in touch/ get houses together et cetera, but the majority start looking for work elsewhere/ move back in with parents and/or settle down with partners and just leave their uni lives behind them.

I guess where I'm going with this is that you shouldn't feel cheated out of making your life-long friends and think that everyone else has something you haven't.. As ultimately, most of the people who have formed cliques will end up in exactly the same situation come next June. Don't force yourself to make friends, uni is generally very cliquey but you shouldn't let it upset you. I just turned the situation into a beneficial one for me.. Instead of going out 3 nights a week, I worked my **** off in my final year and i'm expecting a first class degree. A much more worthwhile investment than going out of my way to make fake*** friends who will cut me off at their earliest convenience when it's all over.

Don't feel bad hon. PM me if you like.
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crutchfieldj
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im like that at sixth form. i have no close friends, they all go to a different school
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Drewski
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It was difficult for me, too.

In my first couple of years I met people, sure, but none of them seemed like the kind who I'd be friends with in 5, 10 or 15 years down the line.

But it picked up.
After 4 years I've got some amazing friends. And they've come from the unlikliest of places. You never know.

Hope it works out for you, OP
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Fruitcakex
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I havent started Uni yet but I will tell you one thing - when I was at my old school I literally had noone but my boyfriend and i HATED it because thats not who I am , i just didnt and refused to hang around with the type of people that were what I could be friends with. In the summer between finishing year11 and going onto sixth form I got a job and it was the best thing I couldve done because although I dont hang around with these people outside of work, they gave me the confidence and the happiness to be myself so when i went to sixth form i made a ton of friends and was back with my best friend, got a new boyfriend who values me and realised how well i want to do. on a serious note i highly recommend getting a job where you work as a team, the best thing I have ever done!
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