37 and shy/introvert. Should I change or accept who I am? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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I'm quite a shy person and sometimes this can be very frustrating. I'm not good at making new friends because when I meet people I'm not very talkative, hence I come across as weird, miserable and cold when I'm the complete opposite. I find it really hard to make small talk. I have lost many friends who are loud, outgoing etc because they loss patience with me for being shy. Also, I'm not the most handsome bloke in town which doesn't help matters. Strangely my best mate is the complete opposite to me. He's very loud, extrovert and very outgoing. He's always telling me too build up my confidence but its easier said then done. He always telling me.

'if I had a 2:1 degree from Manchester Uni and a masters from Bristol Uni and Grade 8 violin like you have, I'd think I'm God''

It's got to the point where I'm feeling I'll as a result of overthinking about what other people's opinions are of me! I'm just sick of people judging me because I'm not loud and outgoing I'm very envious of people who are loud, party-going with big personalities. Should I try and change and teach myself how to be more confident/outgoing or just accept that I'll always be quiet/introvert.

I know I sound like a total sad case but my low self-esteem/lack of confidence is really worrying me!
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Untamed-child
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm quite a shy person and sometimes this can be very frustrating. I'm not good at making new friends because when I meet people I'm not very talkative, hence I come across as weird, miserable and cold when I'm the complete opposite. I find it really hard to make small talk. I have lost many friends who are loud, outgoing etc because they loss patience with me for being shy. Also, I'm not the most handsome bloke in town which doesn't help matters. Strangely my best mate is the complete opposite to me. He's very loud, extrovert and very outgoing. He's always telling me too build up my confidence but its easier said then done. He always telling me.

'if I had a 2:1 degree from Manchester Uni and a masters from Bristol Uni and Grade 8 violin like you have, I'd think I'm God''

It's got to the point where I'm feeling I'll as a result of overthinking about what other people's opinions are of me! I'm just sick of people judging me because I'm not loud and outgoing I'm very envious of people who are loud, party-going with big personalities. Should I try and change and teach myself how to be more confident/outgoing or just accept that I'll always be quiet/introvert.

I know I sound like a total sad case but my low self-esteem/lack of confidence is really worrying me!
You definitely don't sound like a total sad case I used to have an almost non-existent self -esteem and lacked in confidence a lot constantly overthinking about other people's perception of me. I still do occasionally but it is now a lot better. One of the things that helped me was doing things and exploring things outside of my confront zone ( which were a lot ) like being the first person to initiate the conversion at least once then going to events that I thought were business people in the STEM field but I melt very amazing people. Going to summer schools where I had to speak to 300 people then from there I had more opportunities to get out of my comfort zone oh i am quiet and introvert so i would say the first step is accepting who you are and introversion isn't to do with confidence but more so how you recharge yourself as a person. Like extroverts they " recharge" by being around people so they feel more relax then than being alone like introvert would love to be at times like myself hope this helps
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cloud_9_
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accept that u are an introvert firstly because u cant just change who u are overnight. then try to do things that are just outside your comfort zone e.g if u normally just smile at the cashier then say hi if u say hi then say how are u etc. if your friend invites u to a party or someplace then go. When u meet new ppl, don't try act perfect by trying to say all the right things coz then you'll start to overthink and you'll end up not talking at all . if u act like yourself then there is a higher chance of coming across as more relatable and likeable. finally instead of beating yourself up about what you've said or what u didn't say just think about how a confident person would react if they were in your shoes and you'll realise that they wouldn't really care
btw i'm an introvert and i'm getting more confident by doing these things
Last edited by cloud_9_; 1 week ago
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Anonymous #2
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Tbh, dont be timid. Learn to be more outgoing as itll help u in life . I used to be shy in year 11 but ppl would walk ova me so I became cocky and now cute girls falling 4 me
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I'mPooPoo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm quite a shy person and sometimes this can be very frustrating. I'm not good at making new friends because when I meet people I'm not very talkative, hence I come across as weird, miserable and cold when I'm the complete opposite. I have lost many friends who are loud, outgoing etc because they loss patience with me for being shy. Also, I'm not the most handsome bloke in town which doesn't help matters. Strangely my best mate is the complete opposite to me. He's very loud, extrovert and very outgoing. He's always telling me too build up my confidence but its easier said then done. He always telling me.

'if I had a 2:1 degree from Manchester Uni and a masters from Bristol Uni and Grade 8 violin like you have, I'd think I'm God''

It's got to the point where I'm feeling I'll as a result of overthinking about what other people's opinions are of me! I'm just sick of people judging me because I'm not loud and outgoing! I'm very envious of people who are loud,party-going with big personalities. Should I try and change and teach myself how to be more confident/outgoing or just accept that I'll always be quiet/introvert.

I know I sound like a total sad case but my low self-esteem/lack of confidence is really worrying me!
I know it sounds a bit cliche but you have to just fake the confidence until it’s actually there and simultaneously bite the bullet so you just put yourself in awkward situations. You’ll soon realise that it isn’t nearly as bad as you thought and your low self esteem, confidence and anxiety have unnecessarily ruled you.
(Original post by cloud_9_)
accept that u are an introvert firstly because u cant just change who u are overnight. then try to do things that are just outside your comfort zone e.g if u normally just smile at the cashier then say hi if u say hi then say how are u etc. if your friend invites u to a party or someplace then go. When u meet new ppl, don't try act perfect by trying to say all the right things coz then you'll start to overthink and you'll end up not talking at all . if u act like yourself then there is a higher chance of coming across as more relatable and likeable. finally instead of beating yourself up about what you've said or what u didn't say just think about how a confident person would react if they were in your shoes and you'll realise that they wouldn't really care
Also OP this.
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marinade
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What you are describing sounds more like general anxiety/social anxiety/other than being introverted. You may be introverted as well, but that fundamentally isn't the 'problem'. Also I'm interested in you using the 'soft' mental health words 'self esteem' and 'confidence'.

Introversion gets a bad name, this is what introversion really is by someone who knows a lot about the big five personality traits.


You can't permanently change from being an introvert. You can temporarily change how you behave. Nor is being an introvert a 'problem', a third of the population are. There are many introverts who are great at socialising and speaking.
Last edited by marinade; 1 week ago
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for all your comments/suggestions thus far. More comments/suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for your comments/suggestions thus far. More comments/suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm quite a shy person and sometimes this can be very frustrating. I'm not good at making new friends because when I meet people I'm not very talkative, hence I come across as weird, miserable and cold when I'm the complete opposite. I have lost many friends who are loud, outgoing etc because they loss patience with me for being shy. Also, I'm not the most handsome bloke in town which doesn't help matters. Strangely my best mate is the complete opposite to me. He's very loud, extrovert and very outgoing. He's always telling me too build up my confidence but its easier said then done. He always telling me.

'if I had a 2:1 degree from Manchester Uni and a masters from Bristol Uni and Grade 8 violin like you have, I'd think I'm God''

It's got to the point where I'm feeling I'll as a result of overthinking about what other people's opinions are of me! I'm just sick of people judging me because I'm not loud and outgoing! I'm very envious of people who are loud,party-going with big personalities. Should I try and change and teach myself how to be more confident/outgoing or just accept that I'll always be quiet/introvert.

I know I sound like a total sad case but my low self-esteem/lack of confidence is really worrying me!
One may not necessarily be the exclusion of the other. You should be yourself and try to improve in areas that may benefit your socialisation, as well as meet and go out with people.

For example I used to be really introvert and quiet until I realised I really want to communicate with the environment/people/universe and maximise my output, if that makes sense, and when I've calculated all of the opportunity cost and tradeoffs I've realised I need to always make the most of the moment because of how fast time passes and there's only so much that can realistically happen in a given space of time. <- That's what helped me become more outgoing and confident.
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londonmyst
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Both.
Be happy with your positive achievements, accept that your personality is fine and be aware of your own limitations/strengths & weaknesses.

But also focus on continuously improving yourself, your skillset and life experience.
Always remember that you are not inferior to those with more extroverted personalities and nobody else believes that you are.
Let go of any feelings of envy for people who are louder than you, talk more or have a lot of confident in their own abilities/achievements.
Life is too short to waste on negativity, envy or hate.

I'm a quiet, slightly introverted female millennial who values my privacy.
Most of my female friends are very outgoing, adventurous and enjoy posing for a frequent stream of selfies.
I'm not keen on sports, high risk activities, taking selfies or having photos of myself all over social media.
I enjoy cocktails, carnage uk events, trying out new recipes and collecting toy animals.
My friends enjoy my cooking, partying, going to lots of clubs and trying to sneak away with a few of my toy animals.
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