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Aaryra
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I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
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NoTearsLeftToCry
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good luck
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Aaryra
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(Original post by NoTearsLeftToCry)
good luck
Thank you! I do appreciate that
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nadeemharis410
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(Original post by Aaryra)
I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
Thank you for sharing!
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Aaryra
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(Original post by nadeemharis410)
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, it was quite nerve-wracking to do so!
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Wooord
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Thank you for sharing this, I hope you find your peace again xx
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Aaryra
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(Original post by Wooord)
Thank you for sharing this, I hope you find your peace again xx
I hope so to, for you as well if you haven’t yet!x
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anonymous.89
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(Original post by Aaryra)
I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
hiii, i want to join you on your journey !! even i personally want to get on the path back to isam. i am aslo female and in the same situation as you xx
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Aaryra
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(Original post by anonymous.89)
hiii, i want to join you on your journey !! even i personally want to get on the path back to isam. i am aslo female and in the same situation as you xx
Of course, everyone is welcome. Sorry to hear you’ve also been going through a difficult time, but I’m glad you’re finding your way again!x
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HasanQ585
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As salam alaikum sister, awesome to hear that you're coming back to the deen alhamdulilah
Although it might be tempting to go hard straight away remember to pace yourself, like you mentioned you have your goals in mind and I make dua that Allah swt gives you barakah in achieving them
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Aaryra
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(Original post by HasanQ585)
As salam alaikum sister, awesome to hear that you're coming back to the deen alhamdulilah
Although it might be tempting to go hard straight away remember to pace yourself, like you mentioned you have your goals in mind and I make dua that Allah swt gives you barakah in achieving them
Alhamdullilah. Jazak’Allah for your kind words and duas, I’ll make dua that you are truly rewarded. I’ll make an update tomorrow but I’ve been taking it very slow, I’m a bit embarrassed as to how slow actually.
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HasanQ585
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(Original post by Aaryra)
Alhamdullilah. Jazak’Allah for your kind words and duas, I’ll make dua that you are truly rewarded. I’ll make an update tomorrow but I’ve been taking it very slow, I’m a bit embarrassed as to how slow actually.
Jazakallah khair for your duas; don't be embarassased about going slow, Allah swt doesn't expect you to switch overnight and as long as you're making progress that's great. An example from the time of Muhammad (SAWS) is that alcohol wasn't prohibited right away, it was done so gradually (infact in the first 13 years none of the laws pertaining to alcohol were sent down)

An analogy I heard online was that Islam is like a cake, it's really nice and sweet but if you eat it all at once you're gonna throw up and you won't like it. Having had a journey of my own back to the deen it would have been better if I had taken it slower in the beginning as I ended up dipping a bit with my consistency, of course nobody's perfect but yeah
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The Memory Cell
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(Original post by Aaryra)
Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).
Assalamualaikum.
It's okay. I have been in a very similar situation before when I had to basically start from square 1. It's hard at first but just remember; Allah SWT knows your struggle and you need to ask him to make it easier for you. When a Muslim turns away from Islam and then turns back to Islam, Allah TESTS them and this is in a hadith (I heard it off somewhere), hence many reverts leave Islam as they cannot endure the tests that are laid out for them. Keep on going, Allah knows your position and you will receive rewards for enduring through the struggle. You will even receive rewards for making the intention to turn back to Allah SWT. If you take one step towards Allah, he will take ten steps towards you. This path will not be easy. You will have your ups and downs but wallahi this is the right step forward. the greater your imaan, the harder the shaytaan will work to lead you astray. This is not an overnight thing. It would be great if you could get into contact with others on the same path as you and you will get rewards for motivating them and vice versa Fee Sabeelillah.

As for your past, although I can't relate in a first-hand perspective, I can from a second-person perspective. A person very close to me was sexually abused as a kid and now she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I pray every day that she gets better and I shall start praying that you do too. Allah says in the Qur'an that he will suffice you against the person that wronged you in verse 2:137. You have Allah's word on it but you will also be tested, so remember that. Never underestimate the mercy of Allah SWT for he will forgive you, providing you ask In Sha Allah. Stay away from Haraam to keep your mind and heart clean. I stopped listening to music for a bit as it would interfere with my memory. Learn about Islam (Islamic Guidance on youtube is a very good place to start and I suggest you start with the prophets and the sahaba, and then slowly move onto the lives of the Tabi'een such as Imam Abu Hanifa, Imam Malik, Imam Shafi'e and Imam Ahmad RA) and keep your intentions pure.

I hope I was able to guide you a little bit if not motivate you for the sake of Allah SWT and if you have any questions, private message me/reply to this and I will get back to you with the best answer I can provide In Sha Allah
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Student Roost - Swansea
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(Original post by Aaryra)
I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
Asalam Alaykum (Peace be with you) Aaryra,
Congratulations! Alhamdulillah (Praise to Allah) who has guided you to come back to Islam, the path to success in this life and the next.
May ALLAH grant you success and keep you in his protection forever.
Kind Regards,
Essam 😊
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Itzmeee
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(Original post by Aaryra)
I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
I'm glad to hear Allah has helped you come back to the religion and I ask Allah to forgive our wrongdoings and our mistakes and to keep us firm and steadfast on the deen
Btw I recommend a website called islamqa it's an excellent website check it out it has alot of info and has really helped me discover more about the religion and everything on it is reliable and authentic unlike other fake sources and people who fabricate lies or use weak hadith.
Also can you make this anonymous or add the option for other people to be anonymous as others might want to share similar stories but feel to shy to do it publicly
Peace
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EliteWhovian
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السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Alhamdulillah, that is amazing.

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said:

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no calamity that befalls a Muslim but Allaah expiates (sin) thereby, even a thorn that pricks him.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5640; Muslim, 2572.

Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) guided you back and therefore, you need to take this opportunity! Islam is easy but it is we who make it hard for ourselves. In sha Allah, the sisters/brothers and I will help you as much as we can. You can private message me if you wish in case you want advise/want to vent! (I'm a sister so it's fine.)

May Allah keep you firm upon His religion. Ameen.
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Aaryra
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(Original post by EliteWhovian)
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Alhamdulillah, that is amazing.

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said:

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no calamity that befalls a Muslim but Allaah expiates (sin) thereby, even a thorn that pricks him.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5640; Muslim, 2572.

Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) guided you back and therefore, you need to take this opportunity! Islam is easy but it is we who make it hard for ourselves. In sha Allah, the sisters/brothers and I will help you as much as we can. You can private message me if you wish in case you want advise/want to vent! (I'm a sister so it's fine.)

May Allah keep you firm upon His religion. Ameen.
Definitely. I let my anger get the best of me before and let myself feel disconnected. Alhamdullilah I've reconnected, and I'm happy that I now have realised the true strength of my faith. Falling in love with Islam has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I've never felt so fulfilled and satisfied.

Jazak'Allah for your advice, I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. I cannot express my appreciation, so take my word for it! I'll make dua that you carry on this path inshAllah. Ameen


(Original post by I Finger Sisters)
Salami and bacon sister.

I am happy to hear things are going well for you.
Don't be insensitive. You're not funny, and in this case where I've expressed losing my faith after depression and sexual abuse, you seem to be a disgusting individual. I pray you find lightness in your heart, and learn to respect people



(Original post by Itzmeee)
I'm glad to hear Allah has helped you come back to the religion and I ask Allah to forgive our wrongdoings and our mistakes and to keep us firm and steadfast on the deen
Btw I recommend a website called islamqa it's an excellent website check it out it has alot of info and has really helped me discover more about the religion and everything on it is reliable and authentic unlike other fake sources and people who fabricate lies or use weak hadith.
Also can you make this anonymous or add the option for other people to be anonymous as others might want to share similar stories but feel to shy to do it publicly
Peace
Alhamdullilah. Thank you. Allah is the most forgiving, the most loving. He's forgiven those who repent and have good intentions, over and over again. Islamqa is good, I find some of their pages a bit different to some of my beliefs on some small issues, but the major ones all align with me and my faith. I personally cannot add an option to be anonymous, there isn't such an option in this forum unfortunately. However, if anyone wants to be anonymous, go on a forum that allows for the anonymous feature and make sure to tag everyone here and link us!

Thank you again for your advice, kind words and help. I pray we all carry on and find our faith, and follow the right path.




(Original post by Student Roost - Swansea)
Asalam Alaykum (Peace be with you) Aaryra,
Congratulations! Alhamdulillah (Praise to Allah) who has guided you to come back to Islam, the path to success in this life and the next.
May ALLAH grant you success and keep you in his protection forever.
Kind Regards,
Essam 😊
Walaikum asalam Essam, thank you for your lovely words. InshAllah may we all stay on this path to deen, and find happiness in this world and Jannah. I'll make dua that you are also granted success, I appreciate such kindness JazakAllah.



(Original post by The Memory Cell)
Assalamualaikum.
It's okay. I have been in a very similar situation before when I had to basically start from square 1. It's hard at first but just remember; Allah SWT knows your struggle and you need to ask him to make it easier for you. When a Muslim turns away from Islam and then turns back to Islam, Allah TESTS them and this is in a hadith (I heard it off somewhere), hence many reverts leave Islam as they cannot endure the tests that are laid out for them. Keep on going, Allah knows your position and you will receive rewards for enduring through the struggle. You will even receive rewards for making the intention to turn back to Allah SWT. If you take one step towards Allah, he will take ten steps towards you. This path will not be easy. You will have your ups and downs but wallahi this is the right step forward. the greater your imaan, the harder the shaytaan will work to lead you astray. This is not an overnight thing. It would be great if you could get into contact with others on the same path as you and you will get rewards for motivating them and vice versa Fee Sabeelillah.

As for your past, although I can't relate in a first-hand perspective, I can from a second-person perspective. A person very close to me was sexually abused as a kid and now she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I pray every day that she gets better and I shall start praying that you do too. Allah says in the Qur'an that he will suffice you against the person that wronged you in verse 2:137. You have Allah's word on it but you will also be tested, so remember that. Never underestimate the mercy of Allah SWT for he will forgive you, providing you ask In Sha Allah. Stay away from Haraam to keep your mind and heart clean. I stopped listening to music for a bit as it would interfere with my memory. Learn about Islam (Islamic Guidance on youtube is a very good place to start and I suggest you start with the prophets and the sahaba, and then slowly move onto the lives of the Tabi'een such as Imam Abu Hanifa, Imam Malik, Imam Shafi'e and Imam Ahmad RA) and keep your intentions pure.

I hope I was able to guide you a little bit if not motivate you for the sake of Allah SWT and if you have any questions, private message me/reply to this and I will get back to you with the best answer I can provide In Sha Allah
Alhamdillulah. May you carry on this right path in life and benefit from the success of your faith. Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement, it means a lot to me. Allah knows me better than myself of course, He is loving, forgiving and wants the best for all of us. The tests have been hard I will admit, but Islam has allowed me to overcome such challenges a lot easier. I have a purpose mashAllah.

I'll make dua she gets better. I know the person will be punished in Jahannam. The darkness in my heart has left, and everytime I do wrong (if I judge someone for example) the guilt in my soul forces me to stop. It's a beautiful feeling and I feel incredibly grateful that Allah has forgiven me and allowed me to follow this path. I will check all of that out, thank you.

Of course you have motivated me! Thank you so much for it all, and I'll definitely keep replying to everyone. JazakAllah.



(Original post by HasanQ585)
Jazakallah khair for your duas; don't be embarassased about going slow, Allah swt doesn't expect you to switch overnight and as long as you're making progress that's great. An example from the time of Muhammad (SAWS) is that alcohol wasn't prohibited right away, it was done so gradually (infact in the first 13 years none of the laws pertaining to alcohol were sent down)

An analogy I heard online was that Islam is like a cake, it's really nice and sweet but if you eat it all at once you're gonna throw up and you won't like it. Having had a journey of my own back to the deen it would have been better if I had taken it slower in the beginning as I ended up dipping a bit with my consistency, of course nobody's perfect but yeah
I actually have an update. I'll post in about 15 minutes about the whole switching overnight thing. I hope you have time to read it. That is a great example, thank you for sharing it. That is very true, going slowly allows us to truly fall in love with every aspect of Islam. JazakAllah, may you continue on this great path and be granted every success.
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Aaryra
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Okay so my update:
Basically, since I've been trying to reconnect with Islam, I've been truly struggling. It is so difficult, a lot more than expected. I struggled to learn surahs, to pray 5 times a day and follow general rules like to avoid judging people and be loving to everyone. However, last night was a complete breakthrough. I realised why I love Islam in the first place, and why I'll always love Allah. How I fell in love with Islam again and how Allah is truly the most forgiving, merciful and loving.

I prayed all 5 namaz yesterday, I felt so satisfied and happy and cried when I realised how I've been missing out, and how I've been lucky enough to be truly forgiven for everything. I can feel this is a new start in my life, and how Allah truly loves me. I prayed this morning too, I was going to fast tomorrow (and start trying to do every Monday and Thursday) but unfortunately (if anyone thinks this is weird or gross, grow up lol) I got my period this morning so cannot. I couldn't help but feel a bit upset, I was excited to pray and fast, but I know that Allah knows my intention to do both and will accept it.

It was the most beautiful thing yesterday. Sitting on my prayer mat, crying and talking to Allah knowing He will always listen, be there for me and answer my duas even if He answers in a way I didn't expect or want. He knows my life plan, and what's best for me. I've always taken that for granted, Astagfirullah. I pray I never let go of this feeling.

I hope others can relate and learn something.

Another thing, I have results day tomorrow. InshAllah may us all succeed. I have firmed UCL for Law Alhamdullilah, and my insurance is Bristol. I pray and pray to go to UCL, I will be able to commute as I already live in London and I value my family life. I need A*AA, but Maths discouraged me and I believe I will get a B. This is okay, I think I may miss out on my A* narrowly too but it's okay. I will of course be disheartened, but Allah knows what's best for me and I cannot change that or be ungrateful. As much as I'd love UCL, I love Allah and know He will choose the right thing for me and I find true comfort in knowing that.
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Random_Student
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(Original post by Aaryra)
I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.
Thanks for sharing this! You’re actually really strong! All the best and May Allah swt help and guide us all to the right path.
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Aaryra
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(Original post by Random_Student)
Thanks for sharing this! You’re actually really strong! All the best and May Allah swt help and guide us all to the right path.
JazakAllah. Thank you for taking the time to read and encourage me. May Allah grant you success for helping me and others. It took me so much time to work up the courage to type it all up, particularly the sexual abuse section but I am grateful for the positive responses.
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