I need some answers Watch
I have no idea what happened to me. I have been in and out of clinically diagnosed depression from the age of sixteen though I think it is likely that I have had similar issues since around eight or nine. I have always felt incredibly lonely and detached from my own life. To a bystander my childhood would have looked perfectly happy - two loving parents who focused all their affection on me as i’m an only child. Yet when I think back to this time, all I can remember is a desperate and unshakeable feeling of what I can now only describe (weirdly) as melancholia. Emotions have always seemed to hit me harder than others. I cry at nothing and block out the rest. My mum died when I was fifteen which while objectively sad does not warrant my current behaviour. I’m 24 and a virgin and have no idea what my sexual orientation is. I have been in the beds of so many different (and predominately kind) people but have never been able to go through with anything. At my recent and first ever gynaecology appointment I was unable to contain myself - I started shaking and crying uncontrollably and throughout the entire thing I felt genuinely petrified. It was like I’d gone to another place entirely. I appreciate it is unhelpful to speculate but is there any way I may be covering up something from my past? I have felt something is wrong or missing for as long as I can remember (which coincidentally is not a hell of a lot) please let me know if you are aware of a similar case to my own.
I am sorry to hear what's happened to you. Seeing as you were diagnosed with depression (?) are you under the care of a psychiatrist?
If not - I think some formal mental health support or counselling would be useful.
Don't worry about the fact that you're a virgin - it's not a race and it'll happen. Be grateful that you are more emotionally mature so you don't lose it to someone who doesn't deserve it.