No interest in BF's child? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#1
A few months after I got with my boyfriend, we found out the girl he was seeing before me was expecting his baby. This really affected me not just because we're still in our early 20s, but he was still sleeping with her when he was talking to me and although he's done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive, it just feels like there wasn't a big enough period for him to get rid of any feelings he had for her. And now they have a baby together!

He absolutely did not want to have the baby, but now he's 6 months old and my boyfriend can't get enough of him. I can't seem to open my heart to this child though. I feel so many confusing, conflicting feelings and I don't know how to feel better about this entire situation. My bf has expressed he doesn't want anymore children in the future because he has his son now, which I completely understand, but it still gives me a sense of rejection. It's unreasonable to feel this way, I know, but I just don't know how to stop it.

I don't like going with him to see the baby. It's just me, him and the baby's mum in her house and it's awkward. He's always sending me pictures and videos of "his cute creation" and I just can't muster up any excitement or love for the child. I feel awful because I know it's not the kids fault.

Everyone I've spoken to has said his kid will always come first. I feel betrayed and hurt because our relationship came before this child, but now if it came down to it I'll be pushed out in favour of this kid he's had with another woman? And he expects me to assume a step-parent role and be okay with everything (I'm 21!) without having any qualms about it all. He doesn't want to move abroad anymore (our original plans) because of the baby and now all his decisions about our relationship revolve around how much of an inconvenience it will be to his son and the baby's mother.

I don't want to leave him. I just need advice on how better to deal with the situation and my feelings, as I don't want to be taking out my resentment on an innocent child and my boyfriend.
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claireestelle
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
A few months after I got with my boyfriend, we found out the girl he was seeing before me was expecting his baby. This really affected me not just because we're still in our early 20s, but he was still sleeping with her when he was talking to me and although he's done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive, it just feels like there wasn't a big enough period for him to get rid of any feelings he had for her. And now they have a baby together!

He absolutely did not want to have the baby, but now he's 6 months old and my boyfriend can't get enough of him. I can't seem to open my heart to this child though. I feel so many confusing, conflicting feelings and I don't know how to feel better about this entire situation. My bf has expressed he doesn't want anymore children in the future because he has his son now, which I completely understand, but it still gives me a sense of rejection. It's unreasonable to feel this way, I know, but I just don't know how to stop it.

I don't like going with him to see the baby. It's just me, him and the baby's mum in her house and it's awkward. He's always sending me pictures and videos of "his cute creation" and I just can't muster up any excitement or love for the child. I feel awful because I know it's not the kids fault.

Everyone I've spoken to has said his kid will always come first. I feel betrayed and hurt because our relationship came before this child, but now if it came down to it I'll be pushed out in favour of this kid he's had with another woman? And he expects me to assume a step-parent role and be okay with everything (I'm 21!) without having any qualms about it all. He doesn't want to move abroad anymore (our original plans) because of the baby and now all his decisions about our relationship revolve around how much of an inconvenience it will be to his son and the baby's mother.

I don't want to leave him. I just need advice on how better to deal with the situation and my feelings, as I don't want to be taking out my resentment on an innocent child and my boyfriend.
his child is part of the package and if you can't deal with him being a parent coming first then i'd break things off, most people wouldn't be ready to be a step parent at 21 so it's okay if you end the relationship over it.
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JustOneMoreThing
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You're not in any way responsible for the child, but if you want to continue this relationship you are going to have some responsibilities; the best thing to do is to break it off.
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squeakysquirrel
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
A few months after I got with my boyfriend, we found out the girl he was seeing before me was expecting his baby. This really affected me not just because we're still in our early 20s, but he was still sleeping with her when he was talking to me and although he's done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive, it just feels like there wasn't a big enough period for him to get rid of any feelings he had for her. And now they have a baby together!

He absolutely did not want to have the baby, but now he's 6 months old and my boyfriend can't get enough of him. I can't seem to open my heart to this child though. I feel so many confusing, conflicting feelings and I don't know how to feel better about this entire situation. My bf has expressed he doesn't want anymore children in the future because he has his son now, which I completely understand, but it still gives me a sense of rejection. It's unreasonable to feel this way, I know, but I just don't know how to stop it.

I don't like going with him to see the baby. It's just me, him and the baby's mum in her house and it's awkward. He's always sending me pictures and videos of "his cute creation" and I just can't muster up any excitement or love for the child. I feel awful because I know it's not the kids fault.

Everyone I've spoken to has said his kid will always come first. I feel betrayed and hurt because our relationship came before this child, but now if it came down to it I'll be pushed out in favour of this kid he's had with another woman? And he expects me to assume a step-parent role and be okay with everything (I'm 21!) without having any qualms about it all. He doesn't want to move abroad anymore (our original plans) because of the baby and now all his decisions about our relationship revolve around how much of an inconvenience it will be to his son and the baby's mother.

I don't want to leave him. I just need advice on how better to deal with the situation and my feelings, as I don't want to be taking out my resentment on an innocent child and my boyfriend.
You are being very selfish. Of course the child comes first. My now husband has a child from his first marriage. I would never stop him seeing her. I step back and let him have time with her. Tbh you spending time with the ex girlfriend and him and the kid in the same house is a bit creepy
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Joleee
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#5
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#5
you don't need to feel awful; of course it's awkward. but honestly would you want a father to put his new girlfriend before his own child? would you want a father to abandon his newborn by moving abroad? would you respect a man like that? would you respect yourself?

you clearly want different things. when you're in a new relationship and you want different things i personally don't see how it's fixable. you shouldn't settle for someone who wants something else and tbh i think you'll end up sacrificing your wants for his and will become resentful and regret it.
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#6
It's all well and good you telling me I'm selfish and to leave him, but you're missing my point entirely. I don't WANT to leave him as I know we have something good, and I KNOW that these feelings of mine need to change. That's why I'm asking for help.

I didn't ask to be put in this situation as he didn't have this child before our relationship. We've known each other for years and decided now was a good time in our lives to try this out. We had planned to move abroad as I was going to study there and he wanted to go back to his home country, so you have to understand how difficult it is suddenly rearranging our entire plan at this point.

I would appreciate some help in regards to getting over my feelings. Instead of telling me "if I can't handle it leave" I'd appreciate insight into what I can do to actually start being able to handle it. For example, how should I interact with the baby's mother? What should I discuss with my partner? How do I interact with the child whilst keeping the boundaries of someone who isn't their parent? What rights do I have in this relationship now that a child is involved?

I would appreciate insight from people who have been in a similar situation. I already know it's unfair on the.child to feel like this, but it's also unfair for everyone to assume I have to be okay with everything and not have my doubts. I can't control my feelings, I just wish I knew ways in getting around those emotions so I can actually connect with the situation I am in, and better be able to support my partner and his family.

(Also, it's a 5hr drive to see the baby, which is why I go with my bf often because he can't drive and I do, and since there is no one around us free to do that drive 100% of the time).
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random_matt
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#7
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Yeah, I do not date people with children, hate the ****ers.
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StriderHort
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#8
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#8
TBH I'd likely end it, the situation has drastically changed in a short period of time in ways you have no control over. It's unreasonable to expect him not to put the kid first....but it's ok to want something better than being a 3rd wheel for yourself as well frankly.

When push comes to shove, your relationship did NOT come first, he did, into his ex.

I knocked someone back due to their kids before, I had no connection with them and the two respective dads were total a*holes, lots of ongoing social work and family court issues...I just wanted no part of it and i did not want the other fathers involved in my life. or a relationship that needed their say so. Wouldn't have expected the girl to choose me over the kids for a second, but it doesn't change that it just wouldn't work for me.
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londonmyst
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#9
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#9
You are being very helpful by driving your boyfriend for 5 hours to see his child.
It is not your role to have any involvement with your boyfriend's child with a previous partner.
It sounds like you are being used, emotionally blackmailed into feeling bad and then taken for a ride.
All by a guy who is in the habit of doing whatever suits his own personal convenience regardless of the affect upon other people.

You need to decide what you want for your future, whether any child will play a part in it and if your boyfriend's choices are really what you want.
You are not a wife, parent or a stepmother.
You are a 21 year old woman who has said yes only to a boyfriend.
Nothing else.
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mfitz98
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
It's all well and good you telling me I'm selfish and to leave him, but you're missing my point entirely. I don't WANT to leave him as I know we have something good, and I KNOW that these feelings of mine need to change. That's why I'm asking for help.

I didn't ask to be put in this situation as he didn't have this child before our relationship. We've known each other for years and decided now was a good time in our lives to try this out. We had planned to move abroad as I was going to study there and he wanted to go back to his home country, so you have to understand how difficult it is suddenly rearranging our entire plan at this point.

I would appreciate some help in regards to getting over my feelings. Instead of telling me "if I can't handle it leave" I'd appreciate insight into what I can do to actually start being able to handle it. For example, how should I interact with the baby's mother? What should I discuss with my partner? How do I interact with the child whilst keeping the boundaries of someone who isn't their parent? What rights do I have in this relationship now that a child is involved?

I would appreciate insight from people who have been in a similar situation. I already know it's unfair on the.child to feel like this, but it's also unfair for everyone to assume I have to be okay with everything and not have my doubts. I can't control my feelings, I just wish I knew ways in getting around those emotions so I can actually connect with the situation I am in, and better be able to support my partner and his family.

(Also, it's a 5hr drive to see the baby, which is why I go with my bf often because he can't drive and I do, and since there is no one around us free to do that drive 100% of the time).

You need to sit and have a long, hard think about what you truly want, now and more importantly in the future. The way you’re feeling is normal so don’t let those close-minded people get to you or make you feel wrong. You would be wrong if you acted out on your feelings but you’re being strong and reaching out for help which you should be proud of.
In my opinion, the fact that I don’t know anything about your relationship, I would start with sitting down and having a deep chat with your partner because he needs to know how you feel - but you need to ensure you express it in a sensitive way so that you don’t come across like you want him to yourself (which you haven’t done, but just be careful). The fact that he doesn’t want any more children - is this what you want? Did you want children with him? How old is he? What’s the relationship like with the mother of the child?

The bottom line is, you need to sit and think about whether you can see a full future with this man. Do not let the child get in the way because the bond between you and his son could be easily developed.
But with the child now involved and your future plans are affected - you need to decide if this is what yu truly want and whether it’s going to stop you from moving forward.

Hope this helps x
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squeakysquirrel
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
It's all well and good you telling me I'm selfish and to leave him, but you're missing my point entirely. I don't WANT to leave him as I know we have something good, and I KNOW that these feelings of mine need to change. That's why I'm asking for help.

I didn't ask to be put in this situation as he didn't have this child before our relationship. We've known each other for years and decided now was a good time in our lives to try this out. We had planned to move abroad as I was going to study there and he wanted to go back to his home country, so you have to understand how difficult it is suddenly rearranging our entire plan at this point.

I would appreciate some help in regards to getting over my feelings. Instead of telling me "if I can't handle it leave" I'd appreciate insight into what I can do to actually start being able to handle it. For example, how should I interact with the baby's mother? What should I discuss with my partner? How do I interact with the child whilst keeping the boundaries of someone who isn't their parent? What rights do I have in this relationship now that a child is involved?

I would appreciate insight from people who have been in a similar situation. I already know it's unfair on the.child to feel like this, but it's also unfair for everyone to assume I have to be okay with everything and not have my doubts. I can't control my feelings, I just wish I knew ways in getting around those emotions so I can actually connect with the situation I am in, and better be able to support my partner and his family.

(Also, it's a 5hr drive to see the baby, which is why I go with my bf often because he can't drive and I do, and since there is no one around us free to do that drive 100% of the time).
At the end of the day - he will put the child before you - and that is right and proper . It is unfortunate that this baby arrived so early in your relationship. But - this will hold you back. You were going to move overseas - this will probably not happen and you will be resentful.

As I said, my husband has a daughter with his ex wife. The child will always come first - that is non negotiable. You are the one who is going to have to make the sacrifices and if you are happy to do that - then fine. I also think he should learn to drive and take himself there.
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Den987
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#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
A few months after I got with my boyfriend, we found out the girl he was seeing before me was expecting his baby. This really affected me not just because we're still in our early 20s, but he was still sleeping with her when he was talking to me and although he's done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive, it just feels like there wasn't a big enough period for him to get rid of any feelings he had for her. And now they have a baby together!

He absolutely did not want to have the baby, but now he's 6 months old and my boyfriend can't get enough of him. I can't seem to open my heart to this child though. I feel so many confusing, conflicting feelings and I don't know how to feel better about this entire situation. My bf has expressed he doesn't want anymore children in the future because he has his son now, which I completely understand, but it still gives me a sense of rejection. It's unreasonable to feel this way, I know, but I just don't know how to stop it.

I don't like going with him to see the baby. It's just me, him and the baby's mum in her house and it's awkward. He's always sending me pictures and videos of "his cute creation" and I just can't muster up any excitement or love for the child. I feel awful because I know it's not the kids fault.

Everyone I've spoken to has said his kid will always come first. I feel betrayed and hurt because our relationship came before this child, but now if it came down to it I'll be pushed out in favour of this kid he's had with another woman? And he expects me to assume a step-parent role and be okay with everything (I'm 21!) without having any qualms about it all. He doesn't want to move abroad anymore (our original plans) because of the baby and now all his decisions about our relationship revolve around how much of an inconvenience it will be to his son and the baby's mother.

I don't want to leave him. I just need advice on how better to deal with the situation and my feelings, as I don't want to be taking out my resentment on an innocent child and my boyfriend.
I have not personally experienced this, so apologies if I miss anything, this is sort of an outsiders opinion looking in. But looking at this post, this situation seems very unpleasant. What stands out to me isn't the fact that you are not happy about him having a baby with his ex, that's completely normal, but his approach to all this is questionable.

Not saying that you have, but if you ever tried to prevent him from seeing his child, then that would be the selfish part. This does not mean that you have to be his personal driver though :grumble:. It is also unreasonable to expect you to bond with the child himself, because these things cannot be forced. Now, the fact that the baby comes first is none negotiable, and if you want to be together, whilst you don't have to be extremely close to the child, you are going to have to accept the baby and act civil around him.

However, from your post, he expects you to be in a role of a ''step-parent at 21'', but does not want any kids in the future. If you stay with him, what he is basically expecting you, is to give up the idea of ever having children yourself at the age of 21. Whilst sending you pictures/videos of HIS child, not wanting you to ever want one with him. No wonder you are not happy about it :dry:. To be blunt though, raising that child is his and his ex's responsibility, but that shouldn't mean that you can't have a kid of your own to raise, just because he got his ex pregnant. Now whilst I have not been in this situation, I do know of people that have, both as the child themselves and otherwise. I can tell you this now, you can find a balance. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with both the child and the partner.

But I'm sorry to say, this relationship does not seem healthy. Should you stay together, and you see the kid from time to time (since they come as a package), and you act civil and nice to him, then there shouldn't be too many problems. But this is not what is happening. He wants you to drive him 5h in order to spend time with his own child, in a car that you probably pay the gas and insurance for. Spend time with him at his ex's house, which is just weird. Not have a child of your own, whilst showing you him spending time with his, basically coming across as ''I enjoy parenthood but you won't be". All this whilst expecting you to be OK with it. In the mean time, you are asking how to better deal with the situation like it is all your fault :argh:. Plus you are 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. As a personal note, sticking with people and helping them through tough times does not mean that they will appreciate it in the end. That is why I would suggest you separate.

It's all up to you though, good luck in the future
Last edited by Den987; 2 months ago
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doodle_333
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#13
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I think may be drawing some boundaries would help. Ie you don't need to drive him 5hr then sit with his ex gf and their kid. That's weird. This isn't your kid so until you're talking marriage you don't need to play mum.
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bones-mccoy
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#14
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You're going to get some harsh comments but no one knows how difficult it is to be in the position of stepmum (or quasi-stepmum) until they are one themselves. I think you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, you're under no obligation to have any real feelings towards the child - after all, the only connection you have is that you happen to be in a relationship with the father. There is almost an unwritten assumption that women should have an automatic maternal instinct towards their partner's children but that's just not realistic and also unfair as men often aren't held to the same standards.

It is very difficult to deal with the issue of stepkids when you're young (my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship so I can relate) but sometimes it's better to back off from any motherly roles. The child already has a mother and a father, you don't need to do any parenting if you don't feel comfortable and shouldn't be put in that position. You will, however, have to deal with the fact that your boyfriend has a child with someone else and that child will always be part of your life should you choose to stay with him long-term.

You're only 21, don't feel pressured to stay in this relationship if you don't think you can deal with this situation. It would be a very big ask at such a young age. Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him honestly how you feel. He's gonna be upset, he may not understand if he's so swept up with the joy of having a baby but he should see things from your point of view at least. Your feelings matter too. It's normal to feel confused and it's certainly normal to feel rejected - your relationship with this guy will be different from the relationships your friends have with their partners, but by being part of the child's life from the start, he's being a good Dad. Tell him you want to take a back seat atm and let him do the parenting, although I imagine you'd be okay with doing the more practical things when the child is older like cooking for them, doing washing etc. Ultimately though, if you and your boyfriend's needs differ that much, things won't work out but that's okay. Sometimes you realise you need someone more compatible with your future plans.

Also as a side point, if the baby and mother live 5 hours away, your boyfriend needs to be driving himself. He can't expect you to ferry him around for that sort of distance forever. Is there no way the mum can compromise and meet halfway?

Feel free to message me privately OP - I've been in a similar situation and know first hand how frustrating it can be. I'm not here to judge.
Last edited by bones-mccoy; 1 month ago
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DrawTheLine
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#15
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It may help to spend more time with the baby. Ask if he can come and stay with you and your boyfriend for the weekend or something so you can have some proper interaction in your own home. This way it won't be awkward with the kid's mum. If you form a bond with him then maybe your feelings will change for the better.

However, you absolutely need to understand that in every single situation no matter what, his son comes first. You are not his number 1, and you definitely need to accept this. You need to fit around his child, not the other way around. Hopefully if you spend more time with the kid then you'll see this and understand why he is the most important.
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WazzWazz98
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#16
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(Original post by claireestelle)
his child is part of the package and if you can't deal with him being a parent coming first then i'd break things off, most people wouldn't be ready to be a step parent at 21 so it's okay if you end the relationship over it.
I think it is a but much for him to expect you to be a step parent of sorts though. Perhaps just don't accompany him to his ex's house? That's bound to make things unnecessarily awkward. I think it is good that he is looking after the child, it shows he is taking responsibility and owning up to his actions, but I feel that you can push back and say that he can see his child but you don't want to be i alongside this awkward family scenario.

I feel like you can both compromise a little. If you cannot, then the relationship probably isn't right.
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