Controlling Girlfriend

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 7 months ago
#1
Hi.

My son has just turned 16 and his girlfriend 17. They have been together for 10 months.

I am really worried that she is a controller. They have spent nearly all the summer holidays together and she likes it when he stays over with her and her parents ( half hour drive from us ) so it means he cant see his friends, meaning that when he is back home and contacts his friends they are busy meeting up with others cause he hasn't been around.
She has stirred things up between him and a good friend he's known since he was 11 to the point where the friend doesn't want anything to do with my son.
If I say that my son cant do something involving her she gets moody and verbally horrible towards him, saying things like 'What's the point in us being together if we don't see each other' and blocking him on social media etc, so because of this I then change my plans to suit what she want to do so it gets her off my sons back.
The beginning of this week out of the blue she told my son she didn't want to see him again with no reason given. When my partner collected him my son was absolutely heartbroken and was really crying and sobbing cuddled into my partner. Later in the day she acted as if nothing happened. I cant help but think that she is stirring things up with him here at home in the hope that he will spend more and more time with her at her parents to the point where he will have no friends and will almost be cut off from me and the rest of his family.
It's all getting very tiring and I feel like I cant keep up with 'the game'. Please help
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lobster1
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#2
Report 7 months ago
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I am a 17 year old girl also, that sort of controlling behaviour could be due to feeling insecure or unhappy. It also sounds like she's, essentially, blackmailing your son, but because she's so desperate to see him the whole time, this probably suggests her feelings for him are very strong, which can turn into possessiveness. Perhaps your son just needs to stand up to her and accept that she may either leave him or change her ways. If he doesn't say anything it won't change.*


All that said, it sounds like, unless she changes her ways completely, the relationship won't get much better. The hardest, but probably most empowering thing to do for your son is to break up with her. It's very hard but definitely worth it. I was in a similar relationship, I really loved the guy but we were arguing constantly, it made me more upset than happy, breaking up with him went against everything I felt, but now I am so much happier for it. Breakups are always very hard, but they are still young and should be focusing on themselves and their own happiness.
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zombgum
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#3
Report 7 months ago
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The relationship has to end. Her behaviour is negatively impacting his mental well-being because she's distressing him and doesn't seem to be remorseful or demonstrate any interest in changing her behaviour.
It'll be really difficult to cut ties with her at first, but that period of post-break up sadness will pass and he'll feel better. Right now he's being kept in limbo between misery and fleeting happiness. I can't see anything healthy blooming from this relationship.
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Tabathaxx
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#4
Report 7 months ago
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as a mum myself I feel for you. the only thing I would say is that at just 16 he probably needs some strong guidance from you so I wouldn't change plans to suit her if you try to do something without her stick to it .. and then help him s see that her behaviour needs to be challenged when she doesn't get her way .. I have on occasion told my girls in the middle of a phone call (which is getting heated) to " hang up or I will" then explained to them yet again that good relationships are not about shouting or controlling each other.
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Surnia
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Report 7 months ago
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The relationship needs to end, but I think the hardest thing will be getting your son to understand that and finish it on his terms. It's probably going to take some very careful explaining so he can see for himself that her behaviour isn't right. You don't want a situation where you telling him he shouldn't be with her just makes him want her more! It's got to be questions to him more than statements (What has upset you about what she's done? Would you treat a friend like that? If not, why do you think she should be able do that to you?)

Do you know any of his friends well enough to contact them and get them to rally round him a bit? Get them over for a barbeque and a bit of straightforward talking from his peers rather than just parents?
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 months ago
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Thank you so much for all your responses. In relation to the last post. He does have a particular friend who has always been there for him. I did try n catch up with him today but without success.
This evening his girlfriend has kicked off at me. She is coming around tomorrow evening to stay the night, so she text saying 'Now he's 16 does that mean that we can sleep together at yours now?'. I live with my mum and son so said 'No, sorry, not under my mum's roof'. She then spouted off with 'I can understand before but 16 is the legal age so it's just stupid'. I resisted the urge to text back so just left it. She then text my son and screenshot the messages between me and her and said to him 'Seeing as we can't sleep with you I'm not coming around tomorrow so I'll see you Saturday!'. What kind of person is she? She obviously doesn't want to respect the rules of our house. Our real worry is that she'll end up pregnant and will take great satisfaction in pushing around her pram whilst screwing us for maintenance etc and my son having that to deal with at his age 😕
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lobster1
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#7
Report 7 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you so much for all your responses. In relation to the last post. He does have a particular friend who has always been there for him. I did try n catch up with him today but without success.
This evening his girlfriend has kicked off at me. She is coming around tomorrow evening to stay the night, so she text saying 'Now he's 16 does that mean that we can sleep together at yours now?'. I live with my mum and son so said 'No, sorry, not under my mum's roof'. She then spouted off with 'I can understand before but 16 is the legal age so it's just stupid'. I resisted the urge to text back so just left it. She then text my son and screenshot the messages between me and her and said to him 'Seeing as we can't sleep with you I'm not coming around tomorrow so I'll see you Saturday!'. What kind of person is she? She obviously doesn't want to respect the rules of our house. Our real worry is that she'll end up pregnant and will take great satisfaction in pushing around her pram whilst screwing us for maintenance etc and my son having that to deal with at his age 😕
What a horrible girl! That's terrible! Dump her yourself!
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 months ago
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Well, she came around and stayed Friday night then my sons dad collected them both the next morning and they stayed at his ( separate rooms I hasten to add! ) His dad had a word with her about respecting me etc and she then said to him that she was going to block my number ( which she has done ) and doesn't want anything more to do with me! Staying that she never feels welcome in our house so she doesn't want to stay here again. After she was dropped home she messaged my sons dad saying Thank You for a lovely weekend! I feel so hurt, angry and upset. Ive hardly slept since and feel ill. I feel like packing my bag going away and leaving them all to it. Hate I know is a strong word but at the moment that's how I feel towards her. She's created so many arguments between my son and her and within the family. Nearly every day there's a drama with her so she ends up being the topic of conversation.
I cannot believe that my sons dad is absolutely wonderful when he's only seen her a handful of times. I know it's an awful thing to say but I wish my son would see sense and end it. They are both going away this weekend together - they think they are 16 going on 26. She's told my sons dad where they are staying but hasn't had the decency to tell me ( my son doesn't know where they are going as its a surprise for him! )
I feel at my wits end
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
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Hi.
My son not long ago turned 16. Since then I get the impression he thinks he's a fully grown adult now n can do what he wants.
He spends a lot of time at his girlfriend's house n now he's got an apprenticeship close to where she lives she wants him there 5 nights a week and to pay rent!
I'm afraid to put my foot down with him for fear that he'll up n leave n go live with her n her family full time. She is controlling anyway which is a real concern for me but if he goes over there when she wants he will never see me or his friends. We live about 40mins away from the girlfriend.
What can I do ? Feel very alone
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kekedoyouloveme?
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Report 6 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi.
My son not long ago turned 16. Since then I get the impression he thinks he's a fully grown adult now n can do what he wants.
He spends a lot of time at his girlfriend's house n now he's got an apprenticeship close to where she lives she wants him there 5 nights a week and to pay rent!
I'm afraid to put my foot down with him for fear that he'll up n leave n go live with her n her family full time. She is controlling anyway which is a real concern for me but if he goes over there when she wants he will never see me or his friends. We live about 40mins away from the girlfriend.
What can I do ? Feel very alone
He's your son, so first of all try sitting him down alone, without the girlfriend and try explain how you feel about it, if you and him have a good relationship then there wouldn't be an issue in just sitting him down and explaining things, then maybe try and get the girlfriend to sit with you and have a chat with her privately explain how you feel, ab your son living with her and try to reach some sort of agreement.

Overall, it's really tricky to say and as an 18 year old who isn't a mum it's hard to give advice, but the best I can say is to try and get him on his own sit him down and explain how you feel, listen to him and any thing he has to say, because if he doesn't feel like his opinions are being heard then you know he might rebel against what you have to say, if that makes sense. So try listen to what he has to say and see if you can reach an agreement maybe once he's 17 he can move out, if he still is with the girl he really likes or something similar. Something which you can both be comfortable with
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kekedoyouloveme?
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Report 6 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Well, she came around and stayed Friday night then my sons dad collected them both the next morning and they stayed at his ( separate rooms I hasten to add! ) His dad had a word with her about respecting me etc and she then said to him that she was going to block my number ( which she has done ) and doesn't want anything more to do with me! Staying that she never feels welcome in our house so she doesn't want to stay here again. After she was dropped home she messaged my sons dad saying Thank You for a lovely weekend! I feel so hurt, angry and upset. Ive hardly slept since and feel ill. I feel like packing my bag going away and leaving them all to it. Hate I know is a strong word but at the moment that's how I feel towards her. She's created so many arguments between my son and her and within the family. Nearly every day there's a drama with her so she ends up being the topic of conversation.
I cannot believe that my sons dad is absolutely wonderful when he's only seen her a handful of times. I know it's an awful thing to say but I wish my son would see sense and end it. They are both going away this weekend together - they think they are 16 going on 26. She's told my sons dad where they are staying but hasn't had the decency to tell me ( my son doesn't know where they are going as its a surprise for him! )
I feel at my wits end
aww bless

Some girls can be like that, however I agree hate is a strong word after all she is just 16 if that makes sense and still young and the same age as him, so at that age what others see as wrong we don't see it, and only as we grow do we mature and begin to realise how wrong our past actions were, its not like this girls any older than your son so maturity level isn't going to be that much greater than your sons if that makes sense.

Also as people have mentioned above, you don't entirely know why this girl is controlling yes I understand you want the best for your son and his wellbeing is your priority ofc as with any mother, but try not to let the girls behaviour get a negative effect on you because you don't know the full reason for why she is controlling. I know I can be quite bossy with boys I really like because I'm scared of losing them the same thing could very well be a reason for why she is controlling maybe she really does love your son and is scared of losing him, or she thinks you might not tolerate her being with him, hence why she blocked you and said she wasn't welcomed, and these thoughts it acts as a stigma which then causes her to be more controlling over him, it's like she's doing everything in her power to try and keep him which, in your perspective it might seem that she's stealing your son away from you, and from her perspective she's making sure she doesn't lose him because she's scared.. That could be a reason for her behaviour

I feel like this is an issue you need to raise with the girl's family, maybe try and speak to the girl but more on the understanding side and rather just tell her how upset you feel about losing your son, give her an opportunity to feel sorry for you give you empathy and then in turn listen to what you have to say, try and reach some sort of agreement.
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Surnia
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#12
Report 6 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi.
My son not long ago turned 16. Since then I get the impression he thinks he's a fully grown adult now n can do what he wants.
He spends a lot of time at his girlfriend's house n now he's got an apprenticeship close to where she lives she wants him there 5 nights a week and to pay rent!
I'm afraid to put my foot down with him for fear that he'll up n leave n go live with her n her family full time. She is controlling anyway which is a real concern for me but if he goes over there when she wants he will never see me or his friends. We live about 40mins away from the girlfriend.
What can I do ? Feel very alone
Where is this coming from about your son's girlfriend deciding that he will live with her and pay rent, is that him telling you something she's said?

Time for a meeting of the grownups; you and his dad with her parents to find out what has been said about living arrangements and for you to tell them you want your son living at home, and for them to support your decision and make it clear if he tries to keep turning up at theirs he should be steeted back to you. Then you tell your respective children this is what has been decided.
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