How can muslim girl cut off contact with male friend? Watch

Anonymous #1
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I am a female student at uni. For the past few years I have limited contact with boys privately but am friendly with everyone irl.
A specific boy obtained my number from a group chat and kept messaging me, nothing filthy but I think he was into me. I was blunt and said i dont want anything. Then we remained friends. Never met up and only ever spoke in person if it happened to be at uni coincidentally.
Over the years we have grown close by talking on messenger a lot, he has told me a lot about his life. I have kept myself private because I dont want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband.
I can tell he has loved me all that time but his character is not what I would want in a husband. He has never flirted with me since the initial rejection.
Long story short, he has dated girls during that time and when those didnt work out he said he liked me all along. Again I said I didnt. And I have stopped replying to messages.
Note- I am very kind to everyone but dont flirt at all. Never dated, flirted on text or touched a guy. Now it is the summer holidays and i want to end this friendship but it has gone on so long that i am sure he wants a reason for me not replying to him. I have never backtalked about him- I just tell mutual friends that I dont want us to be close so am distancing myself but no hard feelings. I think they must have twisted my words and told him another story

In the meantime, like i said I never met up with him and next year I will not be in his group at uni so wont see him. He has been posting indirect statuses on social media about me being fake.

all I want is to limit contact with things that disturb my peace. I've stopped speaking to him and giving short replies. He is hurt. Do I owe anyone an explanation? Am I doing the right thing? He is making me out to be a crazy over thinker but I am trying to better myself!
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coocooloca
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Tbh It seems kinda rude, I don't know the specifics of your situation but I think it'll be best to kindly explain to him exactly how you feel. If he respects you, he'll respect your boundaries
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SlightlySummer
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Wow that's a sticky situation, like above, tell him your views bc he must be in a bad state as well
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sunny_01
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^^^^
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Amon-ster
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am a female student at uni. For the past few years I have limited contact with boys privately but am friendly with everyone irl.
A specific boy obtained my number from a group chat and kept messaging me, nothing filthy but I think he was into me. I was blunt and said i dont want anything. Then we remained friends. Never met up and only ever spoke in person if it happened to be at uni coincidentally.
Over the years we have grown close by talking on messenger a lot, he has told me a lot about his life. I have kept myself private because I dont want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband.
I can tell he has loved me all that time but his character is not what I would want in a husband. He has never flirted with me since the initial rejection.
Long story short, he has dated girls during that time and when those didnt work out he said he liked me all along. Again I said I didnt. And I have stopped replying to messages.
Note- I am very kind to everyone but dont flirt at all. Never dated, flirted on text or touched a guy. Now it is the summer holidays and i want to end this friendship but it has gone on so long that i am sure he wants a reason for me not replying to him. I have never backtalked about him- I just tell mutual friends that I dont want us to be close so am distancing myself but no hard feelings. I think they must have twisted my words and told him another story

In the meantime, like i said I never met up with him and next year I will not be in his group at uni so wont see him. He has been posting indirect statuses on social media about me being fake.

all I want is to limit contact with things that disturb my peace. I've stopped speaking to him and giving short replies. He is hurt. Do I owe anyone an explanation? Am I doing the right thing? He is making me out to be a crazy over thinker but I am trying to better myself!
Idk basically just explain to him that you want to be a good muslima and it's wrong for you to talk to him based on your morals and beliefs especially as you don't see yourself being able to marry him because of his difference in views about issues like dating.

Although I do think you did nothing wrong you should just give him a reason otherwise he'll have bad blood lingering. Just be genuine and tell him the truth and if he's a man he'll take it like one. He's not entitled to you talking to him if you don't want to.

' Salams *insert name* , I know you may be upset that I haven't been talking to you much lately but I've come to the epiphany that it's just not right for me to talk to you as it goes against all my morals and beliefs as a muslima, I believe it's better to stop talking to you right now before it gets out of hand as I'd only like to open up to my future husband. Although I think you're a great guy I'm not attracted to you in that way or feel I'll be compatible with you so as a non mahram I think the contact should stop. I hope there is no bad blood between us after this but please respect my wishes to become a better muslima ...Jazak'Khair"
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Amon-ster)
Idk basically just explain to him that you want to be a good muslima and it's wrong for you to talk to him based on your morals and beliefs especially as you don't see yourself being able to marry him because of his difference in views about issues like dating.

Although I do think you did nothing wrong you should just give him a reason otherwise he'll have bad blood lingering. Just be genuine and tell him the truth and if he's a man he'll take it like one. He's not entitled to you talking to him if you don't want to.

' Salams *insert name* , I know you may be upset that I haven't been talking to you much lately but I've come to the epiphany that it's just not right for me to talk to you as it goes against all my morals and beliefs as a muslima, I believe it's better to stop talking to you right now before it gets out of hand as I'd only like to open up to my future husband. Although I think you're a great guy I'm not attracted to you in that way or feel I'll be compatible with you so as a non mahram I think the contact should stop. I hope there is no bad blood between us after this but please respect my wishes to become a better muslima ...Jazak'Khair"
You gave the best response. thanks. 😁
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asif007
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am a female student at uni. For the past few years I have limited contact with boys privately but am friendly with everyone irl.
A specific boy obtained my number from a group chat and kept messaging me, nothing filthy but I think he was into me. I was blunt and said i dont want anything. Then we remained friends. Never met up and only ever spoke in person if it happened to be at uni coincidentally.
Over the years we have grown close by talking on messenger a lot, he has told me a lot about his life. I have kept myself private because I dont want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband.
I can tell he has loved me all that time but his character is not what I would want in a husband. He has never flirted with me since the initial rejection.
Long story short, he has dated girls during that time and when those didnt work out he said he liked me all along. Again I said I didnt. And I have stopped replying to messages.
Note- I am very kind to everyone but dont flirt at all. Never dated, flirted on text or touched a guy. Now it is the summer holidays and i want to end this friendship but it has gone on so long that i am sure he wants a reason for me not replying to him. I have never backtalked about him- I just tell mutual friends that I dont want us to be close so am distancing myself but no hard feelings. I think they must have twisted my words and told him another story

In the meantime, like i said I never met up with him and next year I will not be in his group at uni so wont see him. He has been posting indirect statuses on social media about me being fake.

all I want is to limit contact with things that disturb my peace. I've stopped speaking to him and giving short replies. He is hurt. Do I owe anyone an explanation? Am I doing the right thing? He is making me out to be a crazy over thinker but I am trying to better myself!
The problem you have is that he is open to dating but you’re not - and that scares you. “I don’t want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband”: by this, I’m assuming you want to find a husband without getting to know him properly or finding compatibility, which is basically the whole point of dating. That’s fair enough you want to get married in this way - but at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt by telling him the real reason you don’t want to talk to him. Which is that you don’t want to date. Don’t just give him some vague answer and expect him to work it out by himself. Spell it out for him in words he will understand. If you do, he will use some common sense and move on to someone else who is open to dating and won’t just ignore his messages. Tbh he must really like you if he’s being persistent with messaging you even when you’re ignoring him - but that’s your choice to throw that away. You seem to be more concerned about avoiding “things that disturb my peace” rather than having an honest and upfront conversation with him. That tells me you’re living in a bubble and hoping things will just go away by themselves - well you can’t live your life like that, certainly not as a Muslim woman in the UK. Maybe try looking outwards a bit more, stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance.
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sunny_01
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(Original post by asif007)
The problem you have is that he is open to dating but you’re not - and that scares you. “I don’t want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband”: by this, I’m assuming you want to find a husband without getting to know him properly or finding compatibility, which is basically the whole point of dating. That’s fair enough you want to get married in this way - but at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt by telling him the real reason you don’t want to talk to him. Which is that you don’t want to date. Don’t just give him some vague answer and expect him to work it out by himself. Spell it out for him in words he will understand. If you do, he will use some common sense and move on to someone else who is open to dating and won’t just ignore his messages. Tbh he must really like you if he’s being persistent with messaging you even when you’re ignoring him - but that’s your choice to throw that away. You seem to be more concerned about avoiding “things that disturb my peace” rather than having an honest and upfront conversation with him. That tells me you’re living in a bubble and hoping things will just go away by themselves - well you can’t live your life like that, certainly not as a Muslim woman in the UK. Maybe try looking outwards a bit more, stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance.
i get what you're saying, but she doesn't have to date him to get to know him, she obv doesn't like his personality as a friend otherwise they would've gotten closer i.e. they're uncompatible. she doesn't want to date, her choice, and as a Muslim woman in the UK she should be free to make her own choices, and you can't just expect her to change her views for a boy. if it were the other way round, he'd be the pious brother who shouldn't marry her bc of her past, so it is not a fair comparison that you're making.
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asif007
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(Original post by sunny_01)
i get what you're saying, but she doesn't have to date him to get to know him, she obv doesn't like his personality as a friend otherwise they would've gotten closer i.e. they're uncompatible. she doesn't want to date, her choice, and as a Muslim woman in the UK she should be free to make her own choices, and you can't just expect her to change her views for a boy. if it were the other way round, he'd be the pious brother who shouldn't marry her bc of her past, so it is not a fair comparison that you're making.
Nowhere did I say she should change her views. Read the OP more carefully - they were already close as friends and chatted for a while. No, you can’t get to know someone properly when you want to keep your life private and put up boundaries of friendship that you expect the other person to adhere to. Exactly as OP did with this guy. You’d have to know someone on a pretty superficial level to decide you want to marry them when you’ve only been friends up until then.
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sunny_01
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(Original post by asif007)
Nowhere did I say she should change her views. Read the OP more carefully - they were already close as friends and chatted for a while. No, you can’t get to know someone properly when you want to keep your life private and put up boundaries of friendship that you expect the other person to adhere to. Exactly as OP did with this guy. You’d have to know someone on a pretty superficial level to decide you want to marry them when you’ve only been friends up until then.
expecting her to be open to dating is changing her views. maybe you won't know them 100%, but you know them enough to decide if it would work, but the point being is OP didn't like his character to begin with.
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asif007
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(Original post by sunny_01)
expecting her to be open to dating is changing her views. maybe you won't know them 100%, but you know them enough to decide if it would work, but the point being is OP didn't like his character to begin with.
I specifically said she should tell him she doesn’t want to date. That’s a perfectly open and honest response. Again, nowhere did I say she should accept dating - only that the two of them have a difference of opinion on dating and this is the reason why they can’t continue to be friends.

Read the OP again. They started out as friends and then she changed her mind about him along the way.

“Then we remained friends”
“Over the years we have grown close”

^OP’s words, not mine.
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sunny_01
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(Original post by asif007)
I specifically said she should tell him she doesn’t want to date. That’s a perfectly open and honest response. Again, nowhere did I say she should accept dating - only that the two of them have a difference of opinion on dating and this is the reason why they can’t continue to be friends.

Read the OP again. They started out as friends and then she changed her mind about him along the way.

“Then we remained friends”
“Over the years we have grown close”

^OP’s words, not mine.
alright fair enough, but she said "he has told me a lot about his life" "but his character is not what I would want in a husband", so she knows him. maybe the dating is part of it, but she also doesn't like him as a person and there is no nice way to tell him that so she is forced to be"vague".
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks Saif and sunny for ur replies. I dont want to be friends with this guy, simply because it seems pointless for me. He is not someone I would ever be friends with because of his character. I am not scared of dating- I simply dont date because I an a muslim and I consider this forbidden. If I met a guy I liked, I would speak to him and take it further to pursue something. But this is not the guy and he never has been. I dont want to drag this on.

And by "I only want to open up to my hsuband" I meant that I believe there is no man on this earth who should feel like I owe them my life story just because they told me theirs. I dont. I'm a muslim women and I believe my non mahram should not know a lot about me. My statement had nothing to do with dating.

Sunny01 hit the nail on the head here- I just dont like his character and there is no nice way to say this without being vague. The friendship is not good for me and I never want to be close. It's not cos I'm a muslim, or because I'm scared of dating, I have options but it doesnt mean I want them or care about it. But ofcourse, on the day of judgement, i dont want this to be an issue for me.

When i say we remained friends- i had no choice, i saw him daily at uni. And by we were close, i meant he told me a lot but i never did. It was one sided.
We started as friends because everyone is considered a friend if u say hello, bye. We remained friends but i never would be close to people like that. My mind never changed.

It is hard to be direct- I am already direct. He knows I have no romantic interest. I would never be friends with someone like him. So why am I going through this. I dont lead people on and I'm not a narrow minded muslim woman. I'm very open. But there are limits and if I dont feel the same way or dont want to be friends with someone, there will never be a nice way to explain it to them. I dont have an exact reason and that's why it's hard. I thought slowly stop speaking would be the best option.

I dont want to get to know him and I have the right to put my walls up if I want to..this is not a blood relation for gods sake. If I am not attracted to someone, and dont like how weak they are in faith by just watching them date and touch girls, flirt, and even as a friend I wouldnt want that... then my mind wont automatically think oh I should get to know him and put my walls down. U can tell a lot about a man's character by the way he interacts with people on a regular basis. I dont need to know more.

And I agree with sunny01- u dont need to date to get to know someone.
Atleast thats what my religion says and i cant deny a single concept because I am a muslim after all.

Maybe you may have had some bad experiences with girls but we aren't all like that asif007. I'm a muslim and I know the exact boundaries. I'm not stuck up or narrow minded. I'm not looking for a husband- this had nothing to do with it. But if I met a decent guy I would consider it.

There are a lot of double standards unfortunately, I feel my post was misunderstood due to preconceived stereotypes.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by asif007)
The problem you have is that he is open to dating but you’re not - and that scares you. “I don’t want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband”: by this, I’m assuming you want to find a husband without getting to know him properly or finding compatibility, which is basically the whole point of dating. That’s fair enough you want to get married in this way - but at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt by telling him the real reason you don’t want to talk to him. Which is that you don’t want to date. Don’t just give him some vague answer and expect him to work it out by himself. Spell it out for him in words he will understand. If you do, he will use some common sense and move on to someone else who is open to dating and won’t just ignore his messages. Tbh he must really like you if he’s being persistent with messaging you even when you’re ignoring him - but that’s your choice to throw that away. You seem to be more concerned about avoiding “things that disturb my peace” rather than having an honest and upfront conversation with him. That tells me you’re living in a bubble and hoping things will just go away by themselves - well you can’t live your life like that, certainly not as a Muslim woman in the UK. Maybe try looking outwards a bit more, stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance.
I don't live in a bubble. Maybe the Muslim females u know are like this but we all aren't lol. It's a sin to unnecessarily interact with the opposite gender, end of. You completely misunderstood my message and sunny01 hit the nail on the head. Hes a silly immature young boy who is desperate for a wife because he Is hormonal, he flirts with many girls at once and tells many he wants to marry them daily. Its lust and immaturity as well as hormones in one. It's not love for sure. If I saw a man I thought of as a husband, there is no way I would even speak to him the way this guy speaks to girls. Respect is easy to see and immaturity is easy to spot.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sunny_01)
i get what you're saying, but she doesn't have to date him to get to know him, she obv doesn't like his personality as a friend otherwise they would've gotten closer i.e. they're uncompatible. she doesn't want to date, her choice, and as a Muslim woman in the UK she should be free to make her own choices, and you can't just expect her to change her views for a boy. if it were the other way round, he'd be the pious brother who shouldn't marry her bc of her past, so it is not a fair comparison that you're making.
Sunny_01, u hit the nail on the head. You know exactly what I mean. You didnt misinterpret anything
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Zain_Ahmed
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(Original post by asif007)
The problem you have is that he is open to dating but you’re not - and that scares you. “I don’t want people to feel like they know me fully other than my husband”: by this, I’m assuming you want to find a husband without getting to know him properly or finding compatibility, which is basically the whole point of dating. That’s fair enough you want to get married in this way - but at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt by telling him the real reason you don’t want to talk to him. Which is that you don’t want to date. Don’t just give him some vague answer and expect him to work it out by himself. Spell it out for him in words he will understand. If you do, he will use some common sense and move on to someone else who is open to dating and won’t just ignore his messages. Tbh he must really like you if he’s being persistent with messaging you even when you’re ignoring him - but that’s your choice to throw that away. You seem to be more concerned about avoiding “things that disturb my peace” rather than having an honest and upfront conversation with him. That tells me you’re living in a bubble and hoping things will just go away by themselves - well you can’t live your life like that, certainly not as a Muslim woman in the UK. Maybe try looking outwards a bit more, stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance.
Your post was making sense until you mentioned that the OP is living in a bubble!??!?! Where did you get that from? TBH you made a scenario which isn't realistic... IF the OP told the lad her opinion... In that emotional state, nobody will use their "common sense" and "move on"... Plus the OP implies that the lad's character isn't good... So he won't use his common sense, he would probably create a huge fuss..

"stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance." What in the world are you even on about? Her life, her decision.. He sounds like a nuisance and probably is one... how is the OP only thinking of herself? If a girl was clingy on you and you don't like her character... So you decide to not talk to her so she will figure it out herself that you ain't interested even though you told her before that you weren't interested and still is clingy... Are you thinking "only of yourself"?? Think...
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Dunya
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks Saif and sunny for ur replies. I dont want to be friends with this guy, simply because it seems pointless for me. He is not someone I would ever be friends with because of his character. I am not scared of dating- I simply dont date because I an a muslim and I consider this forbidden. If I met a guy I liked, I would speak to him and take it further to pursue something. But this is not the guy and he never has been. I dont want to drag this on.

And by "I only want to open up to my hsuband" I meant that I believe there is no man on this earth who should feel like I owe them my life story just because they told me theirs. I dont. I'm a muslim women and I believe my non mahram should not know a lot about me. My statement had nothing to do with dating.

Sunny01 hit the nail on the head here- I just dont like his character and there is no nice way to say this without being vague. The friendship is not good for me and I never want to be close. It's not cos I'm a muslim, or because I'm scared of dating, I have options but it doesnt mean I want them or care about it. But ofcourse, on the day of judgement, i dont want this to be an issue for me.

When i say we remained friends- i had no choice, i saw him daily at uni. And by we were close, i meant he told me a lot but i never did. It was one sided.
We started as friends because everyone is considered a friend if u say hello, bye. We remained friends but i never would be close to people like that. My mind never changed.

It is hard to be direct- I am already direct. He knows I have no romantic interest. I would never be friends with someone like him. So why am I going through this. I dont lead people on and I'm not a narrow minded muslim woman. I'm very open. But there are limits and if I dont feel the same way or dont want to be friends with someone, there will never be a nice way to explain it to them. I dont have an exact reason and that's why it's hard. I thought slowly stop speaking would be the best option.

I dont want to get to know him and I have the right to put my walls up if I want to..this is not a blood relation for gods sake. If I am not attracted to someone, and dont like how weak they are in faith by just watching them date and touch girls, flirt, and even as a friend I wouldnt want that... then my mind wont automatically think oh I should get to know him and put my walls down. U can tell a lot about a man's character by the way he interacts with people on a regular basis. I dont need to know more.

And I agree with sunny01- u dont need to date to get to know someone.
Atleast thats what my religion says and i cant deny a single concept because I am a muslim after all.

Maybe you may have had some bad experiences with girls but we aren't all like that asif007. I'm a muslim and I know the exact boundaries. I'm not stuck up or narrow minded. I'm not looking for a husband- this had nothing to do with it. But if I met a decent guy I would consider it.

There are a lot of double standards unfortunately, I feel my post was misunderstood due to preconceived stereotypes.
I have respect for your imaan, very admirable.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Zain_Ahmed)
Your post was making sense until you mentioned that the OP is living in a bubble!??!?! Where did you get that from? TBH you made a scenario which isn't realistic... IF the OP told the lad her opinion... In that emotional state, nobody will use their "common sense" and "move on"... Plus the OP implies that the lad's character isn't good... So he won't use his common sense, he would probably create a huge fuss..

"stop thinking only of yourself and put a positive spin on his affection instead of treating him like a nuisance." What in the world are you even on about? Her life, her decision.. He sounds like a nuisance and probably is one... how is the OP only thinking of herself? If a girl was clingy on you and you don't like her character... So you decide to not talk to her so she will figure it out herself that you ain't interested even though you told her before that you weren't interested and still is clingy... Are you thinking "only of yourself"?? Think...
Thank you 😭 it is not easy for me because I am a nice person. But I am also scared of doing things I shouldn't especially now that I am 23 and not at an immature age.
It is hard because this guy is immature and just wants a love marriage or whatever.
And in relation to your comment to asif007-
I guess people on TSR give advice by using their own experiences of life, and in this situation maybe people aren't answering to my cry for help as if I was their sister etc. But thank you for acknowledging that some people (not just men) are clingy and dont get the message
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunya)
I have respect for your imaan, very admirable.
Thank you but I am nothing special😭 The worst thing is I dont wear a hijab (but I dont show skin or wear short and very tight clothes) so when people look at me I'm sure they think I've had boyfriends and been with guys. I have never even been in the "talking stage"with a guy. It is a struggle I face because I know people at uni think I've had relationships lol. Just shows to not judge people based on appearance, and please make duaa for me that I wear the hijab but it is hard because I am already going into a male dominated profession with sexism towards females so struggling a lot.
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Dunya
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you but I am nothing special😭 The worst thing is I dont wear a hijab (but I dont show skin or wear short and very tight clothes) so when people look at me I'm sure they think I've had boyfriends and been with guys. I have never even been in the "talking stage"with a guy. It is a struggle I face because I know people at uni think I've had relationships lol. Just shows to not judge people based on appearance, and please make duaa for me that I wear the hijab but it is hard because I am already going into a male dominated profession with sexism towards females so struggling a lot.
Your deen is only between yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

In'Sha'Allah you reach where you want to be with abundant happiness. I will be starting uni in September so please make duaa for me as well :bigsmile:

Feel free to PM me!
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