Marrying during or after studies?

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U33B
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Hi, I`m in my first year of my 2-year master’s degree and I want to marry this girl of my dream. I have been engaged to her since 2016-2017 and I don`t want to prolong the engagement any longer because there`s a risk the engagement being broken, or the wedding being called off. I`m 25 and will be 26 when I marry her, and she is 24. I feel that I am ready for it but part of me is saying” why don`t you wait until you graduate, it’s only another year, surely she can wait for another year if she has waited this long". The problem is her and my family are quite strict because if I tell her parents to give me another year they may turn around and say look you told you`re ready and she has waited for you all this time and you`re telling us to wait longer? Plus, my parents have said the same thing as well and I also don`t want to prolong anything. However, I do feel that I might be putting pressure on myself. I want to get it over and done with that’s why I want to marry now. By the way there isn`t any pressure for me to get married, I chose to get married. But I want your honest opinion. What shall I do?... HELP!!!!!!!
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xavierjp_
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I don't know if I've misread the context here, but if an engagement is on the brink of being broken, I don't think marriage is a wise move. But again, I may have misinterpreted that first part of the post

Ultimately, you've gotta find the balance between putting yourself first (you can't pour from an empty cup) and granting your partners wishes. Ultimately a relationship is about compromise and if she's expressed that she'd like to get married sooner rather than later, then perhaps that isn't such a bad idea after all?

The thing is, her family may turn around and question why you're asking to delay the marriage. They may be negative about it. But they might not, they may actually be understanding if you sit down and rationalise your decision with them so they can understand it from your point of view. Who knows, perhaps they'll share the same sentiment? (I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship with your partner nor your/her parents so take this answer with a pinch of salt. I guess my line of thinking is, you'll never know what the response will be if you don't ask the question matey).

It ultimately comes down to, do you want to get married now or later, does your partner want to get married now or later, and would either of you be willing to compromise to find a middle ground of some sort? I appreciate your parents play a big role, but the marriage is between you two, you aren't marrying her mum (unless you are doing that too lol). Focus on your thoughts and feelings as well as your partners thoughts and feelings and work from there.

I genuinely feel like having a big open conversation with your partner about how you feel and why you feel the way that you feel will give you a much better idea as to what course of action to take.

Sorry I couldn't be more specific, but I hope that helps to point you in the right direction pal; wishing you the very best
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U33B
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(Original post by xavierjp_)
I don't know if I've misread the context here, but if an engagement is on the brink of being broken, I don't think marriage is a wise move. But again, I may have misinterpreted that first part of the post

Ultimately, you've gotta find the balance between putting yourself first (you can't pour from an empty cup) and granting your partners wishes. Ultimately a relationship is about compromise and if she's expressed that she'd like to get married sooner rather than later, then perhaps that isn't such a bad idea after all?

The thing is, her family may turn around and question why you're asking to delay the marriage. They may be negative about it. But they might not, they may actually be understanding if you sit down and rationalise your decision with them so they can understand it from your point of view. Who knows, perhaps they'll share the same sentiment? (I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship with your partner nor your/her parents so take this answer with a pinch of salt. I guess my line of thinking is, you'll never know what the response will be if you don't ask the question matey).

It ultimately comes down to, do you want to get married now or later, does your partner want to get married now or later, and would either of you be willing to compromise to find a middle ground of some sort? I appreciate your parents play a big role, but the marriage is between you two, you aren't marrying her mum (unless you are doing that too lol). Focus on your thoughts and feelings as well as your partners thoughts and feelings and work from there.

I genuinely feel like having a big open conversation with your partner about how you feel and why you feel the way that you feel will give you a much better idea as to what course of action to take.

Sorry I couldn't be more specific, but I hope that helps to point you in the right direction pal; wishing you the very best
Hi, thanks for the reply. Blimey students on student room are more intelligent than most if not all other forums where you have mature old people lol. What I meant by saying engagement might be on the risk of being broken isn`t because there`s no connection or understanding between us, its the fact that if I say to her wait for one more year, she may say well I`ve waited long enough, why are you making me wait longer. And then she goes and marries someone else because she can`t wait any longer. I`m worried about that. Basically, I don`t want to lose her (yea I know aww, bring out the violin, although I like the guitar better lol). Yea she does want to get married sooner rather than later and so do I, but as you know mate, time is going really fast, so an extra year won`t harm anyone, but ultimately it can because no one can predict the future, and I am scared that what if for some reason I can`t marry her in the future completely. To be quite honest with you, we were expected to get married before like in first year of uni but because I was studying even my parents were like hell no. But now I am doing masters and I hope and pray to god I that I pass so that we can start a life after uni and I am a bit mature and older so i`m alright now (a bit mature, still a kid at heart lol). Trust me mate when you marry you marry into a family as well, hence why you have family backing. Well especially mine. You should meet my parents, the way they are going about things is like as if they`re getting married again lol hahaha. I don`t want to disappoint my parents or hers and certainly not her so this is where I am at. Shall I ask her to wait one more year and hope everything works out fine and marry her after the degree or marry her now and start a life after.
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londonmyst
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Are you able and willing to commit to marriage now?
Emotionally, financially and in terms of time.
Talk to your girlfriend and decide whether you are both ready to set a wedding date.

A few people I went to uni with got married during their postgrads.
Mostly because they wanted to show their commitment to the relationship, live together as an official couple and reduce individual accommodation costs.
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xavierjp_
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Easy bro, for some reason I can't quote your reply but here's my response:

HAHAHA let's just say 21 year old me has learned a lot in recent years. My apologies for the misunderstanding there and thank you for clearing that up (regarding the importance of marriage for yourself, your partner and your respective families)

The thing is, if she does indeed love you mate, I highly doubt she'll leave you for someone else for the sake of getting married right this instance. No violins or guitars I'm afraid pal, you'll have to make do with a cowbell and terrible singing.

Yeah in retrospect I appreciate how important the opinions of your families are regarding this scenario, so that's a fair point regarding their concerns about the timescales for the marriage.

Hahaha mate that sounds really sweet tbh, it's great that your parents are so excited for your marriage, make sure you treasure that

And in all honesty pal, I feel like having an honest conversation with your partner would be a good shout to find out which of those paths you 2 should take together. Tell her where you stand and why you stand where you stand, and then take it from there. Like I say, she may be receptive to the idea, but you'll never know if you don't have that conversation
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