pinkcarrots
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I'm 21 and have had Selective mutism since I was 2 years old. I also have severe depression and diagnosed boderline personality disorder on top of this. (EDD) Things are getting harder as I'm getting older and I don't know what to do with myself in terms of dealing with life in the future. Childhood was very difficult for many reasons but adulthood is just as bad and in all honesty I'm scared. Ive tried my whole life to get help and its either not worked (CAHMS was awful) or I've not been taken seriously, or its talking to people who don't understand it. I'm on mirtazapine which helps me sleep but that's about it. I've been on many waiting lists to get help and I've not heard back from most of them. I feel so alone and annoyed at myself for being how I am (I know its it's not my fault but still) and I see no point in living my life when it's this hard and having to depend on anyone just to get by doing the most simple things that involve me talking or being face to face.

I dont have friends because of my issues and me preferring to communicate online. I'd just like a friend who shares similar issues and to help each other when things are tough. I feel so alone which makes things that much harder when people around you dont understand or get frustrated. Please feel free to message me as I'd absolutely love it.

I feel nervous writing this as I feel like no one will respond and that writing this is for nothing.
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DraconisAudiat
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I worked with a woman with a very severe stammer.

She was an excellent programmer and a great team worker with a lot of dedication, patience, attention to detail and generally great programming skills. But she couldn't finish a sentence without stammering and would sometimes get stuck on a word over and over for like 5 seconds before being able to continue. You could see on her face how frustrating it was for her but there was nothing she could do.
The weird thing is, she didn't let it hold her back. She always spoke her mind in meetings or let people know if she disagreed with them. She was a real force to be reckoned with despite being under five feet tall. Her stammer got worse when she was agitated and the stammering would obviously agitate her so sometimes she got in a loop where she just couldn't get the words out and wound herself up. Everyone was receptive to her needs and tried to help but honestly she just wanted the issue to be ignored while she handled it herself, deep breaths and focusing techniques she'd learned etc then she'd try again.
After a while of working with her she got more comfortable with the team and the frequency of stammers dropped a lot but never really went away. It didn't impact her work and she was a very good programmer, a sad loss to the team when she moved away.

However, I don't think her career is going to be easy overall. She got the job through an agency, we hired someone that knew the relevant programming languages and they sent her over so she didn't have a job interview. Everyone feels stressed in a job interview and if you think it's going badly or if you're really desperate for a job you'll do much worse at it - so I imagine she has real trouble with them. Honestly the agency said to my boss when they were discussing hiring her "Erm... she's not going to need to speak to clients is she?" and my boss said: "No, I've got DraconisAudiat for that, she'll just be typing. Why does she have a strong accent or poor English skills or something?" . I don't know the rest of the conversation, but I'm glad I wasn't involved because it must have been awkward for both sides.

I guess the takeaway message is that other people have similar issues or conceptually related issues, so there are options out there.
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BedfordMom
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Hello Pink carrots,

Lovely to hear from you. There was a programme a while ago selective mutism it was very interesting and the people on it got help eventually and where able to start verbally communicating or at least on the road to it. Sorry to hear CAHMS have not been helpful I wouldn’t give up thought, I’d go back to the GP till the right support is found.

Are your parents understanding of your condition? How did you do in school? There are some other threads below the page here by people with the same condition as you, you might find some of it helpful knowing there are others.

What would you like to do in future? Do you have any hobbies?
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s817
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I don't have selective mutism but I probably have it. I can understand what you're going through, I'm an introvert and find public speaking difficult. While at school/college and uni, some tutors/students have never understood me and picked on me for being quiet and that just made me feel worse. I can talk to people in person but only if I am comfortable with them or when I have to and I prefer messaging rather than talking but sometimes you have to talk there's no way getting out of it. I doubt it will get any better but I don't want to change myself for anyone, I like being an introvert and prefer my own company over being around people unless they don't mind that I don't talk much. I shouldn't have to change for anyone, people need to educate themselves, not everyone is an extrovert like them. There are quiet people out there, there is nothing wrong with us. It's other people who have the problem. Don't worry about it, be yourself and live your life. Don't think you have to be a certain way because of others or that you need friends. Friends can be overrated, I've had a lot of friends in the past who have turned on me for no reason or who have bullied me, they probably thought 'we can do anything and get away with it, she won't tell anyone. If professionals are saying there's nothing wrong then that's good, if they think somethings up they're likely to put you on antidepressants or something and the worse case would be to admit you to a mental health unit. If treatment isn't helping then don't take it.

I feel alone and annoyed sometimes to but I want to be me not like everyone else. I've accepted it.
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pinkcarrots
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(Original post by BedfordMom)
Hello Pink carrots,

Lovely to hear from you. There was a programme a while ago selective mutism it was very interesting and the people on it got help eventually and where able to start verbally communicating or at least on the road to it. Sorry to hear CAHMS have not been helpful I wouldn’t give up thought, I’d go back to the GP till the right support is found.

Are your parents understanding of your condition? How did you do in school? There are some other threads below the page here by people with the same condition as you, you might find some of it helpful knowing there are others.

What would you like to do in future? Do you have any hobbies?
Yeah I've seen that.
I was with CAHMS til I was 18 and got absolutely no where. All I was was to do was write on the whiteboard which anyone can do. Such a waste of 10 odd years I was there.
Other than that I've had no help. as I know as you get older the harder it is to treat.
My mum understands it somewhat but not much.
School was hell, I was always alone because everyone stayed away, but I was also bullied to the point I self harmed and stopped eating because I gave up. My life is hard as it is on top of horrible events to . Still everyday I feel completely embarrassed of myself and nothing anyone can say stops my constant feeling of hopelessness. I'm on mirtazapine that's not working much. I'm meant to go onto 30mg but I don't know when my next appointment is. I've never had actual therapy and I'm still on a waiting list which I've been on for a long time.

My interests are art (portraits as I have always stuck with it I dont like making any other art, I like the realism of it) makeup sometimes and music.

I want to be a mum in the future but terrified because of my mental health/mental health record and so scared in case once I go doctors when I get pregnant, they'll get my child taken from me. So even with what I really want I'm utterly hopeless and thoughts of wanting to die creep up on me more days than not these days. I cant even get a job at the moment and I'm officially deemed unfit for jobs so I receive money to get by. Unsure if I ever want to work because I'm terrified of the thought of it and how jobs work. Especially jobs that include having to talk to people which I cant do of course.


Overall I'm hopeless and in my eyes nothings ever gonna help me overcome this on top of my BPD, severe depression and extreme anxiety. even when I walk in public my legs hurt because of physical anxiety. I also sweat alot which makes things worse. My eyes water and I look to the ground

I genuinely hate myself and my life to sum this up
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pinkcarrots
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(Original post by s817)
I don't have selective mutism but I probably have it. I can understand what you're going through, I'm an introvert and find public speaking difficult. While at school/college and uni, some tutors/students have never understood me and picked on me for being quiet and that just made me feel worse. I can talk to people in person but only if I am comfortable with them or when I have to and I prefer messaging rather than talking but sometimes you have to talk there's no way getting out of it. I doubt it will get any better but I don't want to change myself for anyone, I like being an introvert and prefer my own company over being around people unless they don't mind that I don't talk much. I shouldn't have to change for anyone, people need to educate themselves, not everyone is an extrovert like them. There are quiet people out there, there is nothing wrong with us. It's other people who have the problem. Don't worry about it, be yourself and live your life. Don't think you have to be a certain way because of others or that you need friends. Friends can be overrated, I've had a lot of friends in the past who have turned on me for no reason or who have bullied me, they probably thought 'we can do anything and get away with it, she won't tell anyone. If professionals are saying there's nothing wrong then that's good, if they think somethings up they're likely to put you on antidepressants or something and the worse case would be to admit you to a mental health unit. If treatment isn't helping then don't take it.

I feel alone and annoyed sometimes to but I want to be me not like everyone else. I've accepted it.
I'm the exact same. I completed 2 years of college but gave up since and been to many colleges and within weeks I'd quit. (First year when I was 16 I got sexually assaulted. Nothing came of it so video interviews were for nothing. I was at one of my lowest times in 2014) I'm still scared of college now and backed out of going this year to do acrylic painting. Feel like I failed myself. Uni is completely out the question as 1. Cant afford 2. Too much pressure 3. Even if I had the money, I know full well I'd quit soon after 4. Dont have the qualifications

With what I've read I completely understand and I'm so similar to you. If at any point you need a friend dont hesitate to message me (I'm scared to message first even if I really want to because of my anxiety) I'd love to get to know you as it's so rare to find people like me especially with a rare anxiety disorder which comes with other symptoms on top of it. People don't seem to understand that SM isn't JUST the mutism. It's being afraid of sudden loud noises, asking lots of questions (2 things my mum gets annoyed by at times. She doesn't seem to know its caused by my SM.

Ive found a very detailed page dedicated to SM and the OTHER symptoms of it that even I didn't realise was to do with it, I'd love to share it with you. If you think you have SM please talk to doctors. I was diagnosed with it at 2 years old, apparently saw people for it but didn't work. I think I'm stuck with it especially since I've had it for 19 years now already..


https://selectivemutismcenter.org/wh...lectivemutism/


I hope this helps. Even if people don't have it its still so interesting to learn about it.
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s817
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(Original post by pinkcarrots)
I'm the exact same. I completed 2 years of college but gave up since and been to many colleges and within weeks I'd quit. (First year when I was 16 I got sexually assaulted. Nothing came of it so video interviews were for nothing. I was at one of my lowest times in 2014) I'm still scared of college now and backed out of going this year to do acrylic painting. Feel like I failed myself. Uni is completely out the question as 1. Cant afford 2. Too much pressure 3. Even if I had the money, I know full well I'd quit soon after 4. Dont have the qualifications

With what I've read I completely understand and I'm so similar to you. If at any point you need a friend dont hesitate to message me (I'm scared to message first even if I really want to because of my anxiety) I'd love to get to know you as it's so rare to find people like me especially with a rare anxiety disorder which comes with other symptoms on top of it. People don't seem to understand that SM isn't JUST the mutism. It's being afraid of sudden loud noises, asking lots of questions (2 things my mum gets annoyed by at times. She doesn't seem to know its caused by my SM.

Ive found a very detailed page dedicated to SM and the OTHER symptoms of it that even I didn't realise was to do with it, I'd love to share it with you. If you think you have SM please talk to doctors. I was diagnosed with it at 2 years old, apparently saw people for it but didn't work. I think I'm stuck with it especially since I've had it for 19 years now already..


https://selectivemutismcenter.org/wh...lectivemutism/


I hope this helps. Even if people don't have it its still so interesting to learn about it.
I'm not sure what I have is SM. I think it's just severe anxiety when in uncomfortable situations because I can talk when I have to, I just get really nervous and you can tell from my voice but I'll check out that page, thanks. I enjoy drawing too, I prefer pencils but tutors have told me my watercolour drawings are better. I studied GCSE Art but didn't really do anything relating to it at college, I just did a few different courses and some of them were a waste of time. But I got back into Art when I went to uni, I just finished a textile design degree. I couldn't afford uni either but I applied for student finance and was able to get a tuition fee/maintenance loan. If you want to go to uni then you'll need some sort of level 3 qualification, maybe try distant learning where you'll be learning from home most of the time and you only go to college uni once a week or so or you could go part time. There's no need to be scared, you can pm me or I'll pm you. It would be good to get to know you too. I haven't really met anyone like me either. There was a few at school but they weren't as bad as me and they were just pretending so they could get out of performing in drama or doing presentations but for me it wasn't pretend.
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pinkcarrots
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Fair enough. maybe looking at the page can help and you can judge from that. you might just have severe anxiety which isn't good either.
I like watercolour too I prefer painting than colouring with pencils as it can look more realistic especially with my style of art. I'll try getting a picture of a self portrait made with acrylic. it's not that great but I'd say I'm not bad. if I spent actual time on art like I did at college then it would look better as I'd NEED to work hard, because it's at home then I do it for fun. I've lost interest in my passion for art which is a big sign of depression and I feel like I failed. myself. I did level 3 for a few months I just didn't complete it because I was in a bad place you can PM me if you like I'd like to form friendships with people who are similar as it's more likely to be stronger and last as I hate losing contact with people I think I click with. Name:  PicsArt_07-12-02.13.19-compressed.jpg.jpeg
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s817
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(Original post by pinkcarrots)
Fair enough. maybe looking at the page can help and you can judge from that. you might just have severe anxiety which isn't good either.
I like watercolour too I prefer painting than colouring with pencils as it can look more realistic especially with my style of art. I'll try getting a picture of a self portrait made with acrylic. it's not that great but I'd say I'm not bad. if I spent actual time on art like I did at college then it would look better as I'd NEED to work hard, because it's at home then I do it for fun. I've lost interest in my passion for art which is a big sign of depression and I feel like I failed. myself. I did level 3 for a few months I just didn't complete it because I was in a bad place you can PM me if you like I'd like to form friendships with people who are similar as it's more likely to be stronger and last as I hate losing contact with people I think I click with. Name:  PicsArt_07-12-02.13.19-compressed.jpg.jpeg
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That's really good, it's a shame you've lost your passion for art hopefully you'll find it again. Never think that you've failed, you haven't. Your still living and have your whole life ahead of you to achieve whatever you want. I'll definitely pm you.
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pinkcarrots
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thank you I'm looking forward to it
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