BPD/EUPD Boundaries/MH Support
Possible TW but I'm after genuine advice so I would appreciate anyone who can offer any helpful input.
Before I explain, I want to say that I was going to post openly and I may open up later on and say who I am but I feel the need to post anonymously as I'm still not comfortable with things and it's all a bit crazy atm....
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Ok so I have a long history of MH and one of the worst bits is having multiple "favourite people" (FP) and when I was in hospital, this was my psychologist. Leading up to my discharge, I was appointed a care coordinator (first time ever being under CMHT) - I didn't trust her and felt like I was cheating on the psychologist just by engaging with her - if you don't understand this don't worry it;s really hard to explain!
Anyway skip forward a couple of months of being out - my care coordinator is my FP - I think about her all day and all night and feel like she will always be there to help with things (unhealthy relationships and boundaries are a nightmare as you will see).
Four weeks ago I was referred to start psychology with a clinical psychologist (different from the hospital one). I told her from the outset that I don't trust her and it took three sessions just to make eye contact. My third session I was on a high and was really productive. I left there last Tuesday (27/08) and due to yet another crisis, I overdosed again on the 30th resulting in A&E admission overnight and usual MH assessment.
Fast forward to this Tuesday (3rd) I had the 4th psychology appointment. I asked to leave early because things were not great and she decided I wasn't ready for psychology (apparently most people with bpd etc. take up to 1 year before they are ready) but then she proceeded to get me to agree that i'd keep myself safe until I see my care coordinator (tomorrow).....A mission in itself.
Anyway so now you've got the history, let me explain my predicament....
After being told psychology was being cancelled, I sent an angry disassociation fuelled email to my care coordinator saying...
"it’s pointlessly continuing with CMHT. I’ve been to psychology this morning and it’s been decided to be stopped until I’m more stable. This always happens - when i need the help the most, people pull away even though I’m trying to do my best. It gets difficult and I get left to get on with it -apparently I’ve got to keep working with you but that’s not fair to put the pressure on you; instead of sharing the pressure out between people you’re now going to come and face the full brunt of it each time. That’s just not fair and I refuse to be a part of it. If I’m going to keep screwing up then I’ll do it myself and then everyone else can feel better knowing they didn’t cause it when they weren’t even doing that in the first place. Please don’t come on Friday or the Friday after that and cancel any uni appointment you have - thank you"
This is the bit I struggle with - I'd rather keep putting my own health at risk through repeated OD's (5 since June alone) than risk what I perceive to be hurting my care coordinator. I won't lie, as part of it you fantasize about "what could be" and in my eyes she can't do ANYTHING wrong as she is on a pedestal but it also means I don't want to discuss it with her or anyone in case I put the relationship in jeopardy and I lose her.... It's so frigging hard!
I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up (first one after discharge) - it's been recommended that I be given mood stabilisers to try and calm down the overthinking and level me out a bit but we'll see.
Anyway so I want to know your thoughts; whether you think it might get better; have you experienced similar; what do you recommend I try if anything?
Before I explain, I want to say that I was going to post openly and I may open up later on and say who I am but I feel the need to post anonymously as I'm still not comfortable with things and it's all a bit crazy atm....
********************************************************************************************************************
**********************************************************
Ok so I have a long history of MH and one of the worst bits is having multiple "favourite people" (FP) and when I was in hospital, this was my psychologist. Leading up to my discharge, I was appointed a care coordinator (first time ever being under CMHT) - I didn't trust her and felt like I was cheating on the psychologist just by engaging with her - if you don't understand this don't worry it;s really hard to explain!
Anyway skip forward a couple of months of being out - my care coordinator is my FP - I think about her all day and all night and feel like she will always be there to help with things (unhealthy relationships and boundaries are a nightmare as you will see).
Four weeks ago I was referred to start psychology with a clinical psychologist (different from the hospital one). I told her from the outset that I don't trust her and it took three sessions just to make eye contact. My third session I was on a high and was really productive. I left there last Tuesday (27/08) and due to yet another crisis, I overdosed again on the 30th resulting in A&E admission overnight and usual MH assessment.
Fast forward to this Tuesday (3rd) I had the 4th psychology appointment. I asked to leave early because things were not great and she decided I wasn't ready for psychology (apparently most people with bpd etc. take up to 1 year before they are ready) but then she proceeded to get me to agree that i'd keep myself safe until I see my care coordinator (tomorrow).....A mission in itself.
Anyway so now you've got the history, let me explain my predicament....
After being told psychology was being cancelled, I sent an angry disassociation fuelled email to my care coordinator saying...
"it’s pointlessly continuing with CMHT. I’ve been to psychology this morning and it’s been decided to be stopped until I’m more stable. This always happens - when i need the help the most, people pull away even though I’m trying to do my best. It gets difficult and I get left to get on with it -apparently I’ve got to keep working with you but that’s not fair to put the pressure on you; instead of sharing the pressure out between people you’re now going to come and face the full brunt of it each time. That’s just not fair and I refuse to be a part of it. If I’m going to keep screwing up then I’ll do it myself and then everyone else can feel better knowing they didn’t cause it when they weren’t even doing that in the first place. Please don’t come on Friday or the Friday after that and cancel any uni appointment you have - thank you"
This is the bit I struggle with - I'd rather keep putting my own health at risk through repeated OD's (5 since June alone) than risk what I perceive to be hurting my care coordinator. I won't lie, as part of it you fantasize about "what could be" and in my eyes she can't do ANYTHING wrong as she is on a pedestal but it also means I don't want to discuss it with her or anyone in case I put the relationship in jeopardy and I lose her.... It's so frigging hard!
I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up (first one after discharge) - it's been recommended that I be given mood stabilisers to try and calm down the overthinking and level me out a bit but we'll see.
Anyway so I want to know your thoughts; whether you think it might get better; have you experienced similar; what do you recommend I try if anything?
Hello,
I'm diagnosed with EUPD traits and am currently under the AMHT which I've been with since i was 18. I get your whole thing of having relationships with people when you totally hate them or have a favourite . I was lucky to get therapy for almost half a year with a therapist, most sessions was me sitting in silence, no eye contact , every now and again i would say a couple things depending on my mood. I was discharged from therapy shortly after i overdosed, i was told i need a break from therapy as it is not helping, i was a bit bewildered , but because i still had regular psychiatrist meetings and a care coordinator i kind of accepted it as i didn't want to raise any fuss about it, worrying the other mental health staff would frown on me. Now looking back , following over a year , i was admitted back to therapy after i finished school when my head was clearer and i was able to talk more openly , i also managed to join group therapy which was unthinkable before. So there is a case to be said about therapy breaks, therapy can be an added stress causing one to do further harm , especially when discussing difficult subjects.
BUT please stick with you psychiatrist and care-coordinator , be open to them ,they should be there to catch you if anything goes wrong. Discuss what you can do outside of therapy , be open about medications and what may help. I was assigned a support worker, when out of therapy as i couldn't go out and about without worrying about what people thought. That helped me a lot too , it isn't therapy where the support grills you about your state of mind , they work differently , maybe ask your care coordinator about a support worker or your psychiatrist .
Ok i know it's easy to say but rationalise it, your care coordinator in NOT there to judge you, they are there to help you /coordinate care. Your'e going through a difficult time and if you don't speak out / be open , mental health staff will be unsure of what to do to help, and they are there to help.
This is a long post , and i'm tearing up a bit reading and writing this, i was in a similar position to you, and am currently in recovery. It takes time , but please speak to your care-coordinator /psychatrist, genuinely i do not believe that they will discharge you if you are open with them. Take care, sorry about the long post. Wishing you all the best and hold on there
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I'm diagnosed with EUPD traits and am currently under the AMHT which I've been with since i was 18. I get your whole thing of having relationships with people when you totally hate them or have a favourite . I was lucky to get therapy for almost half a year with a therapist, most sessions was me sitting in silence, no eye contact , every now and again i would say a couple things depending on my mood. I was discharged from therapy shortly after i overdosed, i was told i need a break from therapy as it is not helping, i was a bit bewildered , but because i still had regular psychiatrist meetings and a care coordinator i kind of accepted it as i didn't want to raise any fuss about it, worrying the other mental health staff would frown on me. Now looking back , following over a year , i was admitted back to therapy after i finished school when my head was clearer and i was able to talk more openly , i also managed to join group therapy which was unthinkable before. So there is a case to be said about therapy breaks, therapy can be an added stress causing one to do further harm , especially when discussing difficult subjects.
BUT please stick with you psychiatrist and care-coordinator , be open to them ,they should be there to catch you if anything goes wrong. Discuss what you can do outside of therapy , be open about medications and what may help. I was assigned a support worker, when out of therapy as i couldn't go out and about without worrying about what people thought. That helped me a lot too , it isn't therapy where the support grills you about your state of mind , they work differently , maybe ask your care coordinator about a support worker or your psychiatrist .
Ok i know it's easy to say but rationalise it, your care coordinator in NOT there to judge you, they are there to help you /coordinate care. Your'e going through a difficult time and if you don't speak out / be open , mental health staff will be unsure of what to do to help, and they are there to help.
This is a long post , and i'm tearing up a bit reading and writing this, i was in a similar position to you, and am currently in recovery. It takes time , but please speak to your care-coordinator /psychatrist, genuinely i do not believe that they will discharge you if you are open with them. Take care, sorry about the long post. Wishing you all the best and hold on there
.Hey thanks for your open and honest reply - I spoke to my care coordinator late last week and she admitted they all kind of expected me to react in that way and that it's common with bpd/eupd and reassured me that they were not abandoning/rejecting me and that even if I wanted to leave (and I can) that they would highly discourage it which is understandable - it physically hurts when I think I'm being hard on my care coordinator, I feel sick and get the butterflies etc. They also said that they will "catch me" as you said should anything happen.
I've read what you put about therapy breaks and you've confirmed what everyone else is saying and I guess i've just got to get on with it and work towards the goal of restarting it later on. I'm banking on the psychiatrist to agree to medication - yeah it may "zombify" me like people have said but it's got to be better than now!
I'm glad you are now in a position where you are in recovery; I wish you all the best too and thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
I've read what you put about therapy breaks and you've confirmed what everyone else is saying and I guess i've just got to get on with it and work towards the goal of restarting it later on. I'm banking on the psychiatrist to agree to medication - yeah it may "zombify" me like people have said but it's got to be better than now!
I'm glad you are now in a position where you are in recovery; I wish you all the best too and thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
