Ashley456's Poem Thread

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username4942214
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komaldeepx
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(Original post by Ashley456)
There are those who drown in reality
Who knows about human’s brutality
Leaving them empty, in which they are aware
As they are falling endlessly into a pit of despair
The dark soul that mastered traveling in a world of light
To be the moon with it’s deceiving light

Like black rocks that hide within bushes,
that bloom with magnificent red roses
The pain of their heart silently echoes
as it passes through, just watch as it goes
Hey, I think it's alright. I personally would change human's to mankind's brutality.
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(Original post by Ashley456)
There are those who drown in reality
Who knows about human’s brutality
Leaving them empty, in which they are aware
As they are falling endlessly into a pit of despair
The dark soul that mastered traveling in a world of light
To be the moon with it’s deceiving light

Like black rocks that hide within bushes,
that bloom with magnificent red roses
The pain of their heart silently echoes
as it passes through, just watch as it goes
I need to be in my feelings in order to give this an honest feedback but this is emotionally deep and good.
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komaldeepx
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I would also change rocks to black boulders, adds a bit of alliteration.
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username4942214
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(Original post by komaldeepx)
Hey, I think it's alright. I personally would change human's to mankind's brutality.
Thanks, I made the change and it sounds better
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komaldeepx
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(Original post by Ashley456)
Thanks, I made the change and it sounds better
no problem!
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komaldeepx
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You could possibly even make a reference to war by changing pit to trenches of despair, this could be seen as a comment on the current world affairs.
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E3student
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It’s good did you write it?
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ml55
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rhyme scheme is rather basic, I'd try and improve upon that and add more layers thematically
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(Original post by E3student)
It’s good did you write it?
I tried to, it was my second attempt at a poem
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(Original post by ml55)
rhyme scheme is rather basic, I'd try and improve upon that and add more layers thematically
Yeah, it’s was my third attempt at writing a poem, it’s not much but I’m still trying to improve it, thanks for your feedback : D
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komaldeepx
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Great work, there's a strong theme throughout; the only thing I would say would be to check on some of the spellings, other than that it's really good.
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(Original post by Ashley456)
Yeah, it’s was my third attempt at writing a poem, it’s not much but I’m still trying to improve it, thanks for your feedback : D
Hope you have a good time doing more writing, if you're having fun you're never really doing it wrong
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(Original post by komaldeepx)
I would also change rocks to black boulders, adds a bit of alliteration.
(Original post by komaldeepx)
You could possibly even make a reference to war by changing pit to trenches of despair, this could be seen as a comment on the current world affairs.
Ashley456
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(Original post by komaldeepx)
Great work, there's a strong theme throughout; the only thing I would say would be to check on some of the spellings, other than that it's really good.
Yeah, there’s actually a few words I think the spelling or grammar is wrong but a few places I intended it to be, you mind pointing the mistakes out?
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(Original post by komaldeepx)
Ashley456
I feel like in reality boulders are too big to go under bushes idk :confused:, the whole message of the poem is about the one depressed child in a room of 30 happy people, the area I live in everyone is rich and has everything one could want, it’s not exactly about any political statement. It just relates to my area as everyone here would take this depressed person as a freak and he or she has to hide and pretend to be like everybody else, be happy.
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komaldeepx
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(Original post by Ashley456)
Yeah, there’s actually a few words I think the spelling or grammar is wrong but a few places I intended it to be, you mind pointing the mistakes out?
No problem, just give me a second; on the third line I think you meant to say pink hair tie. In the second paragraph on the third line I'm unsure if you meant drowning. Third paragraph on the fourth line i think it should be bricks that hold rather than holds. Finally in the last paragraph and the first line I think it should be confined. Hope this helps!
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komaldeepx
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(Original post by Ashley456)
I feel like in reality boulders are too big to go under bushes idk :confused:, the whole message of the poem is about the one depressed child in a room of 30 happy people, the area I live in everyone is rich and has everything one could want, it’s not exactly about any political statement. It just relates to my area as everyone here would take this depressed person as a freak and he or she has to hide and pretend to be like everybody else, be happy.
Ah then I think it fits the context very well and I think it is a very important poem to share. Best wishes!
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