how to deal with body dysmorphia? Watch
That sounds really awful for you. It's important to realise that ugly/beautiful is very subjective. One person's perfect girl wouldn't even turn the head of somebody else. It seems like you are trying to meet your own expectations of what you think you should look like as opposed to changing your appearance to be accepted. Maybe you could try to identify what the actual issue is - for example, if you are ugly then so what? Is there more to you than just your appearance or do you view yourself as nothing more than a girl who has to look a certain way to be able to succeed? What are you actually scared of happening - if you went outside without any makeup on, what do you think is going to happen? Try to understand your fears and then put them to the test. If you're concerned people are going to point at you and call you names then prepare yourself for it and see what happens. I can almost guarantee that you wouldn't get any negative attention and if you did then so what? Anybody that is going to judge you negatively shouldn't be any part of your life and you definitely shouldn't let people like that control you to this extent. People watching can also be a good thing. Get a coffee and sit on a bench somewhere busy, check out all of the different people that you see - all body shapes, sizes, colours, races and be aware that you don't consider them all to be conventionally beautiful but you'll see these people with husbands, wives, children, cars, designer bags and so on. It might just help to make you see that appearance isn't particularly important and it's soon forgotten. Take some pride in what you have on the inside and let people see that side of you, your face is your identity and something you can't really change so don't try to hide it, just walk proud and tell people, this is me, this is what I look like, if you like it then great, if you don't then great, there's much more to me than just my face.