I think I’ve been sexually assaulted Watch

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Anonymous #1
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I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for quite while, he invited me to his house but when I got there I didn’t feel like having sex with him anymore. He kept on flirting with me, touching me, the usual but this time I wasn’t into it and I kept pushing him away. I was really uncomfortable and I laid down on his bed, I could barely make eye contact with him and he laid on top of me at this point I couldn’t move. He started fondling me and undressing me. We had sex but I didn’t say anything the whole way through. When he dropped me off at home, I got in the bath and tried to rub my skin because I felt so dirty. I didn’t say no, so maybe it’s my fault and he didn’t know?
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Bio 7
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for quite while, he invited me to his house but when I got there I didn’t feel like having sex with him anymore. He kept on flirting with me, touching me, the usual but this time I wasn’t into it and I kept pushing him away. I was really uncomfortable and I laid down on his bed, I could barely make eye contact with him and he laid on top of me at this point I couldn’t move. He started fondling me and undressing me. We had sex but I didn’t say anything the whole way through. When he dropped me off at home, I got in the bath and tried to rub my skin because I felt so dirty. I didn’t say no, so maybe it’s my fault and he didn’t know?
From how you acted he could have interpreted it either way. You brushed him off then went to his bed and didn't say no or struggle. It would be hard to prove sexual assault took place since you didn't make it clear what you wanted unless you haven't told us everything.
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Anonymous #2
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If you've been having sex with each other comfortably in the past, then suddenly decide you don't want it any more, you can't expect him to be psychic. You need to make it clear that you don't want it by saying no.

If it's always been a normal thing, and you didn't refuse this time, then he had consent in his eyes and you should have made it clear. If, after making it clear, he continued then it would be sexual assault but I don't think this is
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jduxie4414
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Right consent works on the “yes they wanted it last time but that doesn’t mean they want it now” sort of basis. The people above saying that because you’ve had it in the past are wrong because at the end of the day that doesn’t matter. You do seem to have had sexual assault, so I’d recommend talking someone as it is very hard mentally. It may be hard to prove, but so are all cases. Whatever you do, don’t just bottle it up you’ll feel worse trust me
Last edited by jduxie4414; 1 week ago
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by jduxie4414)
Right consent works on the “yes they wanted it last time but that doesn’t mean they want it now” sort of basis. The people above saying that because you’ve had it in the past are wrong because at the end of the day that doesn’t matter. You do seem to have had sexual assault, so I’d recommend talking someone as it is very hard mentally. It may be hard to prove, but so are all cases. Whatever you do, don’t just bottle it up you’ll feel worse trust me
If you've wanted it for the past few times then it's a reasonable assumption you want it this time, unless you say otherwise. If you don't want it in this situation, then the correct thing to do is to immediately say no when sexual contact starts to occur.


If I had always been happily having sex with someone, then I'd eventually stop asking for consent and assume that they'll say no when they stop wanting it. That's the obvious thing to do
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bio 7)
From how you acted he could have interpreted it either way. You brushed him off then went to his bed and didn't say no or struggle. It would be hard to prove sexual assault took place since you didn't make it clear what you wanted unless you haven't told us everything.
I hadn’t seen him in a couple of months so I felt uncomfortable. I’ve been away at uni and came home for the holidays. I thought when we met it would be like old times but it felt different this time. We are not the closet of friends or anything so I’m still getting used to him. I only laid down on his bed because he was insistent on me lying down and I didn’t want to seem rude
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Bio 7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If you've wanted it for the past few times then it's a reasonable assumption you want it this time, unless you say otherwise. If you don't want it in this situation, then the correct thing to do is to immediately say no when sexual contact starts to occur.


If I had always been happily having sex with someone, then I'd eventually stop asking for consent and assume that they'll say no when they stop wanting it. That's the obvious thing to do
That’s how I’m looking at it because from an outside perspective it is reasonable to think he had consent based on past experience and requires clarification of the new situation.

(Original post by Anonymous)
I hadn’t seen him in a couple of months so I felt uncomfortable. I’ve been away at uni and came home for the holidays. I thought when we met it would be like old times but it felt different this time. We are not the closet of friends or anything so I’m still getting used to him. I only laid down on his bed because he was insistent on me lying down and I didn’t want to seem rude
If you didn’t feel your safety was threatened and he didn’t use force to stop you struggling then you really should have told him no. I’m not saying he was right but these things are hard to judge. Looking at it from a legal standpoint I don’t think he could be charged from how you have described it. Nobody would convict someone because their sexual partner thought it would be rude to say no to getting on the bed and have sex.
Last edited by Bio 7; 1 week ago
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Azzamnow
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for quite while, he invited me to his house but when I got there I didn’t feel like having sex with him anymore. He kept on flirting with me, touching me, the usual but this time I wasn’t into it and I kept pushing him away. I was really uncomfortable and I laid down on his bed, I could barely make eye contact with him and he laid on top of me at this point I couldn’t move. He started fondling me and undressing me. We had sex but I didn’t say anything the whole way through. When he dropped me off at home, I got in the bath and tried to rub my skin because I felt so dirty. I didn’t say no, so maybe it’s my fault and he didn’t know?
Sounds like you were too scared to do anything
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Poliose)
So... he didnt forced you, you just have second thoughts about it, and decide to call it "assault"? Quite irresponsible on your part to say the least...
I never explicitly said in person I wanted to have sex at the time it happened. I never touched him or anything. I literally laid like a log doing nothing and he proceeded to have sex with me. I don’t know what kind of sex you have with your partners but I clearly did not consent.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I never explicitly said in person I wanted to have sex at the time it happened. I never touched him or anything. I literally laid like a log doing nothing and he proceeded to have sex with me. I don’t know what kind of sex you have with your partners but I clearly did not consent.
But you had consented every time before, and you didn't correct him this time when you found out he wanted sex. He assumed consent as had always been given before, which was the obvious thing to do unless you say otherwise.

You clearly didn't feel threatened, so you were able to say no at any point but you didn't. He didn't force you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Azzamnow)
Sounds like you were too scared to do
(Original post by Bio 7)
That’s how I’m looking at it because from an outside perspective it is reasonable to think he had consent based on past experience and requires clarification of the new situation.



If you didn’t feel your safety was threatened and he didn’t use force to stop you struggling then you really should have told him no. I’m not saying he was right but these things are hard to judge. Looking at it from a legal standpoint I don’t think he could be charged from how you have described it. Nobody would convict someone because their sexual partner thought it would be rude to say no to getting on the bed and have sex.
So just because you had sex with someone once, that automatically means you can get access to their body whenever you like? He was insistent on me laying down plus laying down on someone’s bed does not automatically equal consent. Plus I had already tried pushing him away when he tried to touch me, isn’t that a good enough answer? Tell me this, if you were in a club and tried to kiss a girl and she pushed you away, would you continue trying to kiss her?
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Bio 7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So just because you had sex with someone once, that automatically means you can get access to their body whenever you like? He was insistent on me laying down plus laying down on someone’s bed does not automatically equal consent. Plus I had already tried pushing him away when he tried to touch me, isn’t that a good enough answer? Tell me this, if you were in a club and tried to kiss a girl and she pushed you away, would you continue trying to kiss her?
The two situations you put forward are very different. One is with someone you have had sex with before and the other is with a stranger. There is implied consent with him because you have done this in the past. Obviously he doesn’t have automatic access if you have sex once, but it means you need to be clear and just say you don’t want it. Just because he insisted doesn’t mean you have to go along with it unless you felt he might hurt you or was forcing you to do it. I’m looking at this objectively and based on the situation I wouldn’t find him guilty of sexual assault because you just didn’t say no. There is no mention of force or threats, just insistence which isn’t really enough.
Someone else can give sympathy, that’s not my thing, but I’m giving you an objective view.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So just because you had sex with someone once, that automatically means you can get access to their body whenever you like? He was insistent on me laying down plus laying down on someone’s bed does not automatically equal consent. Plus I had already tried pushing him away when he tried to touch me, isn’t that a good enough answer? Tell me this, if you were in a club and tried to kiss a girl and she pushed you away, would you continue trying to kiss her?
No of course it doesn't mean you get access whenever you like. But it gives you reason to at least try get access again, and if she doesn't refuse you then what else are you supposed to think?

The issue is that you weren't clear. Now, none of us were there so we can't judge how much you "pushed him away". It's possible that you did push him away enough to, in your mind, say you didn't want it.

Why couldn't you just say no? He really didn't force you, you didn't feel threatened, and you presumably didn't put up much resistance. You had no reason not to refuse in a clear, absolute manner. As soon as you say "no" then you have grounds to press for sexual assault, but it's not obvious how clear you made it that you weren't giving consent.

Save the sexual assault cases for those who are forced into sex. Not for those who didn't refuse when safely given the opportunity, but then decided they definitely didn't want it at a later date.
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sinfonietta
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Next time don't just go and lay down on his bed if you don't want to have sex and you feel he's being pushy - leave the house.
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1Secord
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I’m sorry you had to experience this. Please talk to someone if you think you need it, even the slightest doubt, talking to someone you trust can ease your mind.

I don’t know anything about the legal side or the nature of your relationship, but my own opinion is that every time you should ask for consent. Even if it’s just kissing, in my eyes, asking is always the right thing to do. People can respond and say yes in their body language and if they imitate back, it doesn’t always have to be a verbal yes.

From your description, you didn’t sound like you consented. You didn’t physical respond or give any indication that you wanted to continue. In my opinion, didn’t say yes = no. Just because you didn’t say no out loud, your behaviour and your disinterest speaks for itself - you did not want to have sex. He chose to ignore those signs.

Please speak to someone and I hope you’re ok.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
No of course it doesn't mean you get access whenever you like. But it gives you reason to at least try get access again, and if she doesn't refuse you then what else are you supposed to think?

The issue is that you weren't clear. Now, none of us were there so we can't judge how much you "pushed him away". It's possible that you did push him away enough to, in your mind, say you didn't want it.

Why couldn't you just say no? He really didn't force you, you didn't feel threatened, and you presumably didn't put up much resistance. You had no reason not to refuse in a clear, absolute manner. As soon as you say "no" then you have grounds to press for sexual assault, but it's not obvious how clear you made it that you weren't giving consent.

Save the sexual assault cases for those who are forced into sex. Not for those who didn't refuse when safely given the opportunity, but then decided they definitely didn't want it at a later date.
That’s exactly what you said, your exact words were “it is reasonable to think he had consent based on past experience” so you’re implying because he had consent in the past, he has automatic consent in future instances. What you’re basically saying it’s my fault in that circumstance that he had repeatedly initiated sexual activity that I didn’t even reciprocate to and it’s my fault he ignored my cues that i wasn't consenting. I hear you loud and clear. In your reasoning, you can only be raped if you’re being beaten, do you know how ridiculous that sounds? My resistance was when I pushed him away the first time. My resistance was when I refused to kiss him. My resistance was when I was silent. My resistance was when I didn’t move whilst he was having sex with me. There are many instances whereby women have rejected and have said no to men and have paid for it with their lives. If I said no, how are you so sure he wouldn’t have been physically violent towards me? How are you so sure if I said no, he would have stopped?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That’s exactly what you said, your exact words were “it is reasonable to think he had consent based on past experience” so you’re implying because he had consent in the past, he has automatic consent in future instances. What you’re basically saying it’s my fault in that circumstance that he had repeatedly initiated sexual activity that I didn’t even reciprocate to and it’s my fault he ignored my cues that i wasn't consenting. I hear you loud and clear. In your reasoning, you can only be raped if you’re being beaten, do you know how ridiculous that sounds? My resistance was when I pushed him away the first time. My resistance was when I refused to kiss him. My resistance was when I was silent. My resistance was when I didn’t move whilst he was having sex with me. There are many instances whereby women have rejected and have said no to men and have paid for it with their lives. If I said no, how are you so sure he wouldn’t have been physically violent towards me? How are you so sure if I said no, he would have stopped?
Christ can you please stop taking my wording to the extreme, it's not how debates work. There's a huge range between "being beaten" and "consensually laying on the bed with your nonviolent, non-agressive sexual partner". Have you not considered that perhaps there's a middle ground? If you're being beaten then saying no would be unsafe, and you're obviously not giving consent regardless of what you say. But in your situation you definitely should say no.

Looking at your responses on this thread I think it's reasonable for us to assume that you barely made any indication that you didn't want it.
And you never said you felt threatened by him. The way you've described your relationship, it's clear you knew that you were not in any danger by saying no. I really don't see why you just didn't make it clear to him that you weren't giving consent? I'm not saying it's right for him to continue if you're not engaging back, but if you didn't say no despite feeling safe to do so then it's really not grounds for sexual assault.
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doodle_333
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My life experiences have led me to believe you can essentially have a victim without a perpetrator. I agree with the people here that you had a prior sex based relationship so by going round you immediately signalled you wanted sex, you didn't leave when you changed your mind even though you say you're not great friends, you pushed him off once or twice but then went and laid on the bed which would seem to counteract that. I think it's reasonable to say he probably thought he had consent. That said, if you feel violated and distressed those feelings are valid, you felt like you wanted him to stop whether he realised that or not and so of course it could be traumatic for you. You obviously can't go to the police with this as it would go nowhere but if you need some emotional support to move on you should seek out someone to talk to.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Christ can you please stop taking my wording to the extreme, it's not how debates work. There's a huge range between "being beaten" and "consensually laying on the bed with your nonviolent, non-agressive sexual partner". Have you not considered that perhaps there's a middle ground? If you're being beaten then saying no would be unsafe, and you're obviously not giving consent regardless of what you say. But in your situation you definitely should say no.

Looking at your responses on this thread I think it's reasonable for us to assume that you barely made any indication that you didn't want it.
And you never said you felt threatened by him. The way you've described your relationship, it's clear you knew that you were not in any danger by saying no. I really don't see why you just didn't make it clear to him that you weren't giving consent? I'm not saying it's right for him to continue if you're not engaging back, but if you didn't say no despite feeling safe to do so then it's really not grounds for sexual assault.
This isn’t a debate, it’s just you writing long boring repetitive paragraphs essentially saying a man is allowed to put his **** in me because I didn’t say no and ignoring the fact I didn’t say yes either. There I’ve shortened it for you. I lost interest and brain cells when you implied that the basis of rape has to have some element of physical violence such as strangulation, punching or being forced down etc, when you a person are ignoring someones cues or in their space, that’s already a form of violence in its entirety. I already pushed him away and I didn’t reciprocate to his sexual advances, so why is he continuing to force himself on me? I hope you have that same argument for children who have been molested, in your words they should have just said no right? They must have clearly wanted it because they didn’t say no. You assumed the context of our relationship, you have no knowledge of what he’s like as person but you jumped to conclusions nevertheless. He's a 6’4 guy who regularly goes to the gym, plays rugby and weighs over 80kg, I’m a 5’2 girl who weighs 52kg. I’m at his house in the middle of the countryside and he’s my only ride home, I don’t have any money on me at this point. Of course I’m going to end up freezing up to a sex act that I’ve been coerced into. Appeasing him is the only to prevent violent behaviour. Silence is not consent and it will never be
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This isn’t a debate, it’s just you writing long boring repetitive paragraphs essentially saying a man is allowed to put his **** in me because I didn’t say no and ignoring the fact I didn’t say yes either. There I’ve shortened it for you. I lost interest and brain cells when you implied that the basis of rape has to have some element of physical violence such as strangulation, punching or being forced down etc, when you a person are ignoring someones cues or in their space, that’s already a form of violence in its entirety. I already pushed him away and I didn’t reciprocate to his sexual advances, so why is he continuing to force himself on me? I hope you have that same argument for children who have been molested, in your words they should have just said no right? They must have clearly wanted it because they didn’t say no. You assumed the context of our relationship, you have no knowledge of what he’s like as person but you jumped to conclusions nevertheless. He's a 6’4 guy who regularly goes to the gym, plays rugby and weighs over 80kg, I’m a 5’2 girl who weighs 52kg. I’m at his house in the middle of the countryside and he’s my only ride home, I don’t have any money on me at this point. Of course I’m going to end up freezing up to a sex act that I’ve been coerced into. Appeasing him is the only to prevent violent behaviour. Silence is not consent and it will never be
Again, taking what I said to the absolute ridiculous extreme.

Under no circumstances did I say there needs to be violence for it to be rape. But if you're in a safe setting (which until now you implied you were), yet randomly chose to let him have sex with you despite it being 100% safe and ok for you to say no, then it is not rape. You should have just immediately told him no. After that, anything more becomes rape. But you didn't.

And its honestly sickening that you can compare anything of this discussion to children being molested. It is clearly not safe for them to say no. And even if it was, it's automatically rape. Don't dare compare your situation to that.

And yes, I did assume the context of your relationship. If in a legal judgement you omit very important details, they're not going to assume the worst unless you tell them otherwise. You not stating this from the start makes it pretty clear that you were in no danger. Appeasing him was not the only way to prevent violent behavior- if it was, you would have said so right from the start as it's crucial to the judgement- it's your valid reason for not saying no. If it was really true then it is sexual assault, but the fact you waited this long to mention it makes it seem pretty contrived.
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