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Girlfriend letting herself go

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she should have a guy who understands how much of a struggle it is and how easy it is to relapse. She clearly isnt in the right state of mind rn and you aint understanding nor caring think shes better off without you
Original post by alone ghost
you have every right to think or feel she is ugly or not attractive but the post i made was to point out that you DON'T truly love her and thats okay but you need to stop lying to yourself and playing victim here.

Clearly I'm going to have to spell this out for some of you.

Love and attraction are two completely different things. They may be related, but at most they are two sides of the same coin.

Think if it like a tree. The whole tree is the whole relationship. The leaves are the attraction, and the roots the love. In winter a tree sheds its leaves; the roots help keep it alive. But after some time the leaves come back. Just like a tree can't survive without it's roots, a relationship can't survive without love.

If you honestly think that you can't love someone unless you're attracted to them, then it is you who is the shallow one.
Original post by Anonymous
Do you really love her if the fact that she's eating what she wants is putting you off? I mean looks are a little bit important but you should like/love someone regardless of their looks and if putting on weight means you're considering leaving her or to stop gradually liking her then that's sad. You should do something about it...

I'm not considering leaving her. But you're right, I should do something about it. Like maybe trying to foster a healthier lifestyle, because that's what you do when you love someone: try to do the best for them. Not put them on a pedestal and just accept everything they do is nothing short of god-like. That's a toxic trait which only leads to co-dependency.
Original post by alone ghost
you have every right to think or feel she is ugly or not attractive but the post i made was to point out that you DON'T truly love her and thats okay but you need to stop lying to yourself and playing victim here.


Erm can you like shutup and stop calling people shallow for having preferences? You are so annoying.
Original post by Fermion.
Erm can you like shutup and stop calling people shallow for having preferences? You are so annoying.

Fat/ugly people often need to convince themselves that if someone truly loves you, they MUST love you regardless of anything about you physical appearance. Its the only way they can make themselves believe someone can love them, because they don't believe that someone will love the way they look - because deep down they don't love the way they look.
At the end of the day. It's down to you. You can't control the person your in a relationship with, in any way. She can be and look however she wants. The fear of being unable to control this is something I feel like everyone deals with in any relationship.

My opinion is that: At first glance it seems as though all you care for is her looks. I do however understand how it's difficult to want to grow with someone, improve as people in a relationship. Only to have the person you choose to do that with go against that. And start acting in an unhealthy way. Which is why I would argue you feel unattracted. And this goes against this idea that all you care for is looks You need to let her know how much you care for her and how the way she ACTING is effecting you negatively. She can't immediately change how she looks, she can however immediately change her actions. And this won't effect her self esteem to the same extent. Be honest with her and how her ACTIONs are making you feel unattracted. And if donyou still't see a change in effort then there's a deeper problem and/or she may not be the girl your after. In which case listen to her deeper problem and explore solving this problem and/or give her an ultimatum about her ACTIONS. But this is like the last straw.

Hope this helps.
(edited 4 years ago)
I think at this point I should clarify a little further.

Yes, originally this post was talking about my attraction to my girlfriend waning. I understand that that is on me, that is my psyche and my preferences in a partner. That is not my fault, and unfortunately not something I can change.

However, the initial ask of this post was to try and determine ways of fostering a healthier lifestyle. Because from everything I've read by couples counselors and relationship therapists and, you know, actual experts in this field, that is how a healthy relationship grows. Losing attraction for your partner is not grounds for ending a relationship. Doing nothing about it, however, is, but not from me. I want to be in this relationship, because she is my favourite person, so I want to feel attracted to her again. Love and attraction are not mutually exclusive. Until a lot of you learn that, you will never have a meaningful relationship that lasts. And, for what it's worth, I don't find stick thin people attractive either.

What's more, as I've already mentioned, she knows she's let herself go. She knows she's living an unhealthy lifestyle. I know this because she has told me herself, without any prompting from me. She knows this is detrimental to her physical health, her self-esteem, and her mental health. I didn't think it prudent to include this in my original post, but thanks for assuming this is all down to me and my surface view of her and its got nothing to do with the way she feels about and views herself. Some of you are obviously happy being overweight. That's great, more power to you, and I hope you stay happy, and you find/have someone who finds you attractive the way you are and I hope you never want to lose weight one day otherwise that someone might not find you attractive anymore and by your logic they should leave you for that. My girlfriend, however, is not happy being overweight.

Hence my ask. She wants to live healthier; I want her to live healthier. She wants to be happy in herself; I want her to feel happy in herself. It just so happens that being a healthy weight is more attractive to me than being overweight.

A big thank you to all those of you who have actually been supportive and given me some actually constructive comments and sound advice other than "lol leave her". I have taken those comments on board and will try and do what I can to further foster a healthier lifestyle for me and my girlfriend.
Original post by RoseGold86
Maybe don’t see her as your sexual toy if you love her you’d approach it in a way that’s beneficial to her, and not to yourself. Is she getting depressed? If so help her out, and say that you want to step back and just be friends. I know things aren’t going the way you want them too, but you can’t change what other people do. People do what they want to do for themselves and not what you want. So help the deeper issues. Of course it’s going to hurt her don’t tell her. She’s more than just your pleasure girl, we need someone who loves us for who we are, she won’t stay beautiful for ever, none of us will. I’m not saying you’re wrong btw, just that if she’s not what you want leave. Maybe then she’ll think to herself “why, hmm maybe it’s because I’m fat and should put more effort in”.


I'm curious; where are you getting the idea that I see her as a sexual toy from? If she was getting depressed, how would ending a three year relationship in place of being friends help that in any way? Things are going great in general, I just want her to be healthier. Is that really such a crime? Also, where am I saying I don't love her? Where are you getting the idea that I don't love her for who she is? She very much is what I want. If you're accusing me of being shallow, would it not just confirm that if I were to leave based solely on her weight gain, a trait that can change and is not tied to a person's self, identity, or personality, the reasons I want to stay with her in the first place?
Don't pretend like this guy is a bad person for losing his physical attraction to her, ofc he still loves them for who they are, but how they look physically was what was part of what attracted them in the first place, emotional and physical attraction are different things, and at the end of the day it's not his fault if he physically isn't attracted to her anymore.
Reply 89
Well, I don't care enough to read through 5 pages of meaningless drivel, but I will just say that she has the freedom to gain weight if she so pleases, and you have the freedom to not find it attractive and tell her if you so wish. There, problem sorted you're welcome.
Original post by Anonymous
Don't pretend like this guy is a bad person for losing his physical attraction to her, ofc he still loves them for who they are, but how they look physically was what was part of what attracted them in the first place, emotional and physical attraction are different things, and at the end of the day it's not his fault if he physically isn't attracted to her anymore.


Thank you
Original post by The Mogg
Well, I don't care enough to read through 5 pages of meaningless drivel, but I will just say that she has the freedom to gain weight if she so pleases, and you have the freedom to not find it attractive and tell her if you so wish. There, problem sorted you're welcome.


pretty much everyone on this thread has said that but he is ignoring everyone wbk
I’m currently going through the same thing. We both gained significant weight but I finally got it together and lost 55 pounds running and tried to lead by example. People are so quick to shame you because you don’t like your spouses body but what about when I work my ass off to look good for her and I get NOTHING in return. It’s just not fair to the person putting in the work to look good to have a spouse that let herself go but expects the same level of attraction. Tried talking to her multiple times nothing makes a difference very frustrating

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