Can’t solve issues with boyfriend Watch

Anonymous #1
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I have anxiety and when it comes to a relationship I feel like I always need a bit more reassurance than most people would. Recently I’ve been feeling like there are a few issues in this relationship and I have addressed then. Every time I do this, my boyfriend listens and never really gets angry or annoyed at me, which is good. Sometimes he apologises when he feels he’s in the wrong and sometimes he just offers a reason for why the thing that I was worrying about happened. My latest issue was that I feel he’s no putting a lot of effort in anymore, no initiating texts. We used to talk everyday and that’s gradually decreased to about twice a week. I explained this and he said that it’s because we usually don’t have a lot to talk about, which makes sense, however I still like talking to him, just because I miss him even if we don’t have a lot to say. He said sorry and said he would try to make an effort to talk more. He texted me the next day but since then nothing has changed. I then asked about a week later what was happening and he told me he had nothing to talk about but still asked to see me the day after. It’s been over a week and I have initiated every single text since. He’s amazing when I see him in person but if I’m not physically in front of him it feels like out of sight, out of mind. He treats texting me like a chore it feels. The issue is, I keep bringing up the same issues over and each time he thinks it’s been solved even though he offers no reassurance and things tend to go back to how they were. He clearly wants to keep me since he says “you’re worrying me” whenever I give him the “we need to talk” and he’s a different person in person. I don’t know how to get it across to him when he doesn’t actually help sort the issue put, but just feels like me talking about it is enough to make me feel better. I also don’t want to keep bringing up the same issue or I feel he’ll start to get annoyed.
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ThomH97
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What are the issues you keep bringing up again and again?
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Dunnig Kruger
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Texting is a chore.

Do you want to be selfish by coercing to do this chore more than he wants to?

How would you feel if he was putting pressure on you to do some chore more than you wanted to? For example if he was telling you to go food shopping every day instead of once or twice a week?

He is a great boyfriend in person. That's enough. It's more than enough.
Nobody's perfect. Accept him for the whole package that he is.
And that whole package includes him finding texting a chore.

Also his philosophy is to focus on the here and now. When he's with you he focuses on you. When he's not he focuses on his work, his social life with his other friends, eating, sleeping, going to the toilet etc. That is a great, well adjusted philosophy to have.

By you mentioning texting to him more than once in the space of a month, that comes over as nagging. Do you want to be a nagging girlfriend? No? Then don't even think about the texting situation. Just accept it and tolerate it and move on.

The same as you'd accept it if he always placed the toilet roll in the toliet roll holder the different way round to you. Texting and toliet rolls are both unimportant things.

Him being great company when you are together is important.

If he was average or poor company when you are together I'd be advising you to dump him.
But becuase he's great company I'm advising you to carry on cherishing and loving him and to be as tolerant as you can for him being the way that he is.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Texting is a chore.

Do you want to be selfish by coercing to do this chore more than he wants to?

How would you feel if he was putting pressure on you to do some chore more than you wanted to? For example if he was telling you to go food shopping every day instead of once or twice a week?

He is a great boyfriend in person. That's enough. It's more than enough.
Nobody's perfect. Accept him for the whole package that he is.
And that whole package includes him finding texting a chore.

Also his philosophy is to focus on the here and now. When he's with you he focuses on you. When he's not he focuses on his work, his social life with his other friends, eating, sleeping, going to the toilet etc. That is a great, well adjusted philosophy to have.

By you mentioning texting to him more than once in the space of a month, that comes over as nagging. Do you want to be a nagging girlfriend? No? Then don't even think about the texting situation. Just accept it and tolerate it and move on.

The same as you'd accept it if he always placed the toilet roll in the toliet roll holder the different way round to you. Texting and toliet rolls are both unimportant things.

Him being great company when you are together is important.

If he was average or poor company when you are together I'd be advising you to dump him.
But becuase he's great company I'm advising you to carry on cherishing and loving him and to be as tolerant as you can for him being the way that he is.
I mean he specifically finds texting a chore with me. Sometimes when he’s with me he will sit on his phone and message his mates np but with me he’s acts like it’s such a big ask or that he just cba.
And I disagree, texting is an important part of this, especially since we only spend a few hours a week together and when we aren’t in contact for more than a few days we feel distant. He hasn’t messaged me in over two weeks, wouldn’t be at all if I didn’t initiate anything (which he didn’t reply to until an entire day later)
We only see each other once a week and tbh I’ve found myself having to ask for his attention. This is something i only realised in the past few days. I end up initiating literally everything, even in person I have to ask for his attention otherwise he’ll hardly speak to me. We’d be sat in silence. I have to ask for physical affection too. The only time this doesn’t happen is when he starts to really miss me which takes him ages, about at least 2 weeks.
Usually I address my issues over text which causes a misunderstanding so I’ve asked to see him tomorrow and told him I want to talk seriously with him, and so hopefully I can get a word in without any distractions.
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you_alt_right?
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sext him and make texting more exciting. face it, what you probably message him about is boring. be honest. who really wants to hear about mundane crap every single day. I wouldnt.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by you_alt_right?)
sext him and make texting more exciting. face it, what you probably message him about is boring. be honest. who really wants to hear about mundane crap every single day. I wouldnt.
It was like that towards the beginning and even if you’re kidding (which I cannot tell) I have tried this, and each time I try he says he’s not in the mood or it’s not a good time, despite being up for it and asking so often up until about 5 months in. Even if that did work, I’d still be initiating it.
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you_alt_right?
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It was like that towards the beginning and even if you’re kidding (which I cannot tell) I have tried this, and each time I try he says he’s not in the mood or it’s not a good time, despite being up for it and asking so often up until about 5 months in. Even if that did work, I’d still be initiating it.
I am being honest. sounds like your boyfriend just doesnt like texting you specifically. If he doesnt want to sleep with you IRL either anymore than I hate to break it to you but he is no longer attracted to you.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I mean he specifically finds texting a chore with me. Sometimes when he’s with me he will sit on his phone and message his mates np but with me he’s acts like it’s such a big ask or that he just cba.
And I disagree, texting is an important part of this, especially since we only spend a few hours a week together and when we aren’t in contact for more than a few days we feel distant. He hasn’t messaged me in over two weeks, wouldn’t be at all if I didn’t initiate anything (which he didn’t reply to until an entire day later)
We only see each other once a week and tbh I’ve found myself having to ask for his attention. This is something i only realised in the past few days. I end up initiating literally everything, even in person I have to ask for his attention otherwise he’ll hardly speak to me. We’d be sat in silence. I have to ask for physical affection too. The only time this doesn’t happen is when he starts to really miss me which takes him ages, about at least 2 weeks.
Usually I address my issues over text which causes a misunderstanding so I’ve asked to see him tomorrow and told him I want to talk seriously with him, and so hopefully I can get a word in without any distractions.
Thank-you for the clarification.

My previous post was based on you saying this in the opening post: "He’s amazing when I see him in person"

However, your clarifying post shows that the only "amazing" thing about him when you're together is how amazingly cold / distant / indifferent / rude he is.

It's amazingly rude of him to say that he doesn't text you much because he doesn't have much to talk about, when he sits there in your company texting his mates. So texting his mates is more important when he's with you than talking with you? That's a crazy mixed up priority. He's effectively saying he'd rather talk to his mates than you, when you are there in person sitting in front of him.

The lack of initiating physical affection or conversation with you is amazingly cold, distant and indifferent from him.
Part of being in love with someone is that you feel comfortable when there are lulls in the conversation. Part of being in love is that you enjoy doing things together and that the conversation flows from doing the things that you do together, and from planing future activities and talking about highlights of previous ones.
Do you actually do enjoyable things together? Go on fun or interesting or pleasureable dates?

It seems that you love him a lot more than he loves you. It's impossible for me to say whether it's you inparticular that he's not that keen on. Or whether he simply lacks the maturity to act properly with any girlfriend, regardless of how wonderful she is.

It's like he has you as a girlfriend so that he can show off to his mates "Hey look, I've got a girlfriend." Or because it boosts his ego to have a girlfriend. Or because he feels social pressure to have a girlfriend.

There appears to be a big lack of chemistry between the 2 of you.

Can you give us any good reasons why the 2 of you should stay together? So far I've seen plenty of reasons why you should tell him "Thanks, but no thanks" and move onto someone that actually acts like he loves you and with whom you will have some chemistry.
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thatskden
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Hi Anon,

I appreciate the time in your relationship right now must be extremely stressful and worrying, I imagine you're flying through a lot of emotions with your boyfriend becoming so distant. It's clear he means a lot to you, and actually it's quite clear to me that he feels the same in return.

This is common among all men and it will happen in all relationships, I'm a man myself, and sometimes my batteries get low and although I want to give love and affection to my girlfriend, I really struggle because I've given everything I have to give and I need to spend time recharging myself and focussing on making sure I can do that.


Remember:
1) This isn't your fault, this is just a natural thing that men do, and it is also not your boyfriends fault. Neither of you have anything to apologise for.
2) He will come back.
3) Although no one has anything to apologise for, you both have to be understanding and respect what each party currently needs.

If I was to give you some advice, it would be to find things you enjoy doing without your boyfriend, and let him go and do whatever he wants to do whilst he recharges. I respect that letting your boyfriend get distant is scary because you'll worry he will not come back. But if you don't let him, you'll scare him off regardless.

Your boyfriend cannot make you happy, and it is not his responsibility to make you happy either. You should focus on spending time with friends and family to make yourself happy, so that your boyfriend can do the same, and then when he snaps right back like a rubber band does, you'll both be ready to have lively conversations and love each other even more.

Good luck to you.
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Anonymous #1
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I spoke to him and he was understanding. He said he just found being with me in person easier and admitted that he hated and wasn’t great at texting and that he was forgetful and doesn’t really realise when he’s gone too ling without texting. He was saying how sometimes he feels bad when he receives a text of me and he goes “oh yeah I should probably text her” but just forgets. I explained how I felt more distant with him and he apologised and said he’d make more of an effort, then he acted more affectionate and it was clear just by his actions that he missed me a bit since our last get to together.
I feel relieved that his feelings aren’t going and he’s still very invested, the only thing is I still feel a little disappointed by the fact that he’s still forgetting to text me often. I just don’t want it to feel one sided.
I hate going longer than 3 days with no interaction so if he doesn’t text me I’ll give him another nudge that I would appreciate it if he tried harder to remember.
Now you may think it seems a bit careless and a bad excuse when he says he forgets, but I honestly believe that since he’s so laid back and is easily distracted by things. He doesn’t give everything a lot of thought. He says he’ll be on his phone for hours and lose tract of time. Not even talking to anyone either, just looking on instagram and watching YouTube.
Despite this, it still bothers me how I’m not on his mind as often as he’s on mine. It’s not due to a lack of interest, just how his personality is but I still feel a bit annoyed by it since it’s like it’s not in his nature to make an effort.
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