How do I deal with an insecure boyfriend? Watch

Anonymous #1
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So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We both have things that we’re quite insecure about but in the run up to our mock exams (we’re in y13) despite us both being in quite good positions (he’s doing Oxbridge) he keeps saying that he’s “not good enough” or “I feel like I know nothing” and he’s the kind of person to spend hours and hours revising EVERY day. Despite me and other people telling him that he’s doing ok and reassuring him that his grades reflect it etc he constantly tells me that he’s going to fail and is overly apologetic.
The problems for me are 1. He’s so unnecessarily hard on himself, I try to encourage him to take breaks and sleep and eat but he refuses saying eating an adequate amount will make him fat, and that he doesn’t have time for breaks or sleeping properly. The second problem is that it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough because it’s hard not to compare myself to him- yes I admire and almost envy him for being really smart and having everything under control but he insists that he’s not doing enough etc

I have spoken to him about all of this multiple times but I guess that’s just how he is and I’m willing to support him but it just seems difficult with extra stress from school. what do I do?
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sinfonietta
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You can explain to him that when he says these things it makes you doubt yourself in turn, but honestly you can't help him with his own self-doubt and poor relationship with sleep/food. These are things he needs to identify as problems and fix on his own.
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battyman123
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not much you can do
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sinfonietta)
You can explain to him that when he says these things it makes you doubt yourself in turn, but honestly you can't help him with his own self-doubt and poor relationship with sleep/food. These are things he needs to identify as problems and fix on his own.
Yeah I’ve tried explaining that to him but his response is usually ‘I’m sorry, I’ll stop talking about it I don’t want you to worry’ or something along those lines and I’ve told him I don’t want him to close up just because it effects me :/ thanks for the suggestion
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Ivanpedersen
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leave him before your life stuck with him
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Cedgy_
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We both have things that we’re quite insecure about but in the run up to our mock exams (we’re in y13) despite us both being in quite good positions (he’s doing Oxbridge) he keeps saying that he’s “not good enough” or “I feel like I know nothing” and he’s the kind of person to spend hours and hours revising EVERY day. Despite me and other people telling him that he’s doing ok and reassuring him that his grades reflect it etc he constantly tells me that he’s going to fail and is overly apologetic.
The problems for me are 1. He’s so unnecessarily hard on himself, I try to encourage him to take breaks and sleep and eat but he refuses saying eating an adequate amount will make him fat, and that he doesn’t have time for breaks or sleeping properly. The second problem is that it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough because it’s hard not to compare myself to him- yes I admire and almost envy him for being really smart and having everything under control but he insists that he’s not doing enough etc

I have spoken to him about all of this multiple times but I guess that’s just how he is and I’m willing to support him but it just seems difficult with extra stress from school. what do I do?
I went through the exact same thing. My best friend would be working 24/7, and when they weren't working (like they were eating or sleeping) they would be super anxious. And I'm quite a bad and lazy studier so their constant worry about not being good enough scared me because they were amazing but didnt see it.

I just constantly reaffirmed to them that they are incredible and whatever chance I got I was like "and you're definetly going to succeed". Even small unnoticeable things like instead of saying "if you get into oxbridge" to "when you get into oxbridge" can have an effect. Also revising with him if you can might relax his study sessions. And I domt just mean being there, if he let's you then actively helping him to study might make it a but less stressful for him. I did this a lot with my friend and they were really grateful and they looked forward to studying with me, unlike when they studied alone and couldn't get thoughts of panic out of there head

These insecurities will never go away fully but will dwindle with time. I'm sure in university he will handle exam season super badly as well however all you can do is support and reaffirm him. Be the voice in his ear telling him everything will be okay. And once exams are over and you have that super long summer you can guide him to better eating and sleeping habits which hopefully will help him in the long haul!

I'm happy to see you're very willing to take care of him and better him. I clicked on this post initially imagining seeing a girl who was sick of having an insecure boyfriend and wanted to get rid of him but the fact you just want the best for him is clear and that's good on you!

It wont be easy but making someone you care about happy is well worth it.
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Aldersgate
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He probably won't ever change his basic personality or way of dealing with things, and as others have stated, we can NEVER change another person, but can only change ourselves.
Sounds like he is slightly obsessive, and that trait is one that seems to be pretty hard to lose.. I'd expect him to still be much the same at 30, 40, 50, until retirement, even
Just work on yourself, your own studying, that is all you can do.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We both have things that we’re quite insecure about but in the run up to our mock exams (we’re in y13) despite us both being in quite good positions (he’s doing Oxbridge) he keeps saying that he’s “not good enough” or “I feel like I know nothing” and he’s the kind of person to spend hours and hours revising EVERY day. Despite me and other people telling him that he’s doing ok and reassuring him that his grades reflect it etc he constantly tells me that he’s going to fail and is overly apologetic.
The problems for me are 1. He’s so unnecessarily hard on himself, I try to encourage him to take breaks and sleep and eat but he refuses saying eating an adequate amount will make him fat, and that he doesn’t have time for breaks or sleeping properly. The second problem is that it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough because it’s hard not to compare myself to him- yes I admire and almost envy him for being really smart and having everything under control but he insists that he’s not doing enough etc

I have spoken to him about all of this multiple times but I guess that’s just how he is and I’m willing to support him but it just seems difficult with extra stress from school. what do I do?
Let him take responsibility for growing up into maturity! It is not your job to make him start maturing!
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