What level would you give this sample paragraph for english literature? Watch

Rolo1234
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#1
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#1
This is for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde AQA:
The trampling of the girl is made disturbing by the use of a semantic field associated with disturbance and disgust. The doctor feels "sick" and "white" to express and resemble how brutal the event was. The doctor himself was "as emotional as a bagpipe" which highlights how horrible the event was to even make the doctor emotional. A bagpipe is an instrument which has a monotone which is flat and bland so it therefore shows how the horror in the event struck the doctor so much to make him emotionally unstable. In the readers point of view, they will feel shocked as t he docter is emotional. I n addition to this, victorian gentlemen mind their own business and they dont express their feelings, further showing how the event is too horrific for it not to be ignored and is disturbing.
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Rolo1234
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#2
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ada_786
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#3
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#3
I would give it a 6
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Rolo1234
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#4
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#4
(Original post by ada_786)
I would give it a 6
What can I do to improve?
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Quick-use
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#5
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(Original post by Rolo1234)
This is for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde AQA:
The trampling of the girl is made disturbing by (through) the use of a semantic field associated with disturbance (repetition of word) and disgust. The doctor feels "sick" and "white" to express and resemble (grammar error and both express/resemble convey the same meaning here) how brutal the event was. The doctor himself was "as emotional as a bagpipe" which (no need for this word - can just say: highlighting) highlights how horrible the event was to even make the doctor emotional. A bagpipe is an instrument which has a monotone which (repetition of which - grammar error) is flat and bland so it therefore (so and therefore mean the same thing) shows how the horror in the event struck the doctor so (informal and superfluous word choice) much to make him emotionally unstable. In the readers point of view, they will feel shocked as t he docter (spelling) is emotional. I n (spelling) addition to this, victorian (capitalisation) gentlemen mind their own business and they dont (apostrophe) express their feelings, further showing how the event is too horrific for it not to be ignored and is disturbing (extremely repetitive).
Not sure on the level but I've highlighted mistakes and have redrafted it for you (because I'm bored...):

The trampling of the girl is made disturbing through the use of a semantic field associated with nuances of disgust. The doctor feels "sick" and "white" which portrays the extent to which this scene is inconceivably horrific. In fact, the doctor, a professional who we expect to remain unwavering in the face of any situation, is "as emotional as a bagpipe", further highlighting the barbarity of this situation given that the bagpipe is an instrument which exudes flat and bland musical notes akin to the sounds made by a vital signs monitor at a hospital. Moreover, the very concept of the doctor reacting as so is equally unfathomable and outrageous within the backdrop of a Victorian society, a society whose stringent and draconian decorum expected gentlemen to hide their true feelings from the masses. Consequently, this makes the reader feel shocked and unsettled for images and sounds of perturbed doctors and monotone vital signs within the context of a Victorian society forebodes sinister happenings.
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Rolo1234
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#6
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(Original post by Quick-use)
Not sure on the level but I've highlighted mistakes and have redrafted it for you (because I'm bored...):

The trampling of the girl is made disturbing through the use of a semantic field associated with nuances of disgust. The doctor feels "sick" and "white" which portrays the extent to which this scene is inconceivably horrific. In fact, the doctor, a professional who we expect to remain unwavering in the face of any situation, is "as emotional as a bagpipe", further highlighting the barbarity of this situation given that the bagpipe is an instrument which exudes flat and bland musical notes akin to the sounds made by a vital signs monitor at a hospital. Moreover, the very concept of the doctor reacting as so is equally unfathomable and outrageous within the backdrop of a Victorian society, a society whose stringent and draconian decorum expected gentlemen to hide their true feelings from the masses. Consequently, this makes the reader feel shocked and unsettled for images and sounds of perturbed doctors and monotone vital signs within the context of a Victorian society forebodes sinister happenings.
Thx for the redraft
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Davy611
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#7
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#7
Remember the oxymoron of 'trampled calmly' which emphasises the brutish inhumanity of Hyde.
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Rolo1234
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#8
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(Original post by Davy611)
Remember the oxymoron of 'trampled calmly' which emphasises the brutish inhumanity of Hyde.
oh yh thank you, didnt think of that. What would you personally give this paragraph?
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Davy611
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#9
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I think that if there was a full essay that was written in the same way (with reference to the wider text) you could reasonably expect a grade 5. The support you've been given by Quick-use should help you to progress.
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