He's so confusing Watch

dominiquexx
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#1
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Hi, everyone I wanted to ask you for your opinion on a guy I'm dating. It's probably going to be a long post, because this situation is pretty complicated, but I would love to hear some advice of people who - unlike myself, him, my friends and family - can be totally objective.

We met through mutual friends about five months ago, started dating a month later (in June) and things were going great. He's 25 years old, I'm 22, we're both in college, live pretty close to each other and have quite a lot in common, so it was all very simple and easy. From the beginning it was obvious that he was way more interested in me than I was in him, but I decided that even though I'm probably not going to fall for this guy, I can give it a shot, because we have a really great tme together. Then, about month and a half into dating, things started to get weird. I had a feeling he's pulling away and - unfortunately - started to panick. I realised I actually liked him way more than I'd thought and it scared me. Didn't know what to do, I really wanted to just give him space and see what's gonna happen, but I couldn't.

My anxiety was at its peak and I became obsessed, compulsively checking my phone to see if he texted me, thinking about it all the time, etc. I couldn't take it anymore so I just asked him if something's wrong, whether he stopped caring or does he want to keep dating, cause if not, then Im fine, but I'm too anxious not to know, I'm the type of a person who has to know where they stand (or in other words, control freak). He said that he cares about me and doesn't want us to stop seeing each other. Then we kept dating and texting, he introduced me to his brother and his wife, everything was fine, but suddenly he stopped texting for a whole week.

I didn't initate conversation either, but by the end of that week I got stupidly drunk, texted him and told him that it bothers me that he hasn't contacted me a whole week. I don't if this was the right move, maybe I should have kept my cool, or maybe it was a mature thing to do to just confront him about it, I don't know, but then we texted a little and stopped for three weeks. Well to me it was over and I felt a little heartbroken, even though I hated myself for it, because it wasn't even a relationship, but I felt like **** nonetheless.

Then we met, and he apologised, explained that had some issues with money and family (which I actually knew was true) and he wanted to keep dating... I decided to give it one more try and we've been texting and hanging out ever since, but with much less frequency. Last week he told me that he wants to take it slow, because he's had some very serious relationships in the past and he doesn't want to get attached and get hurt again. That it's more difficult for him to jump into another relationship as quickly as it used to be in the past, but he cares about me and he wants to keep dating, just taking it slower than at the very beginning.

I, on the other hand, have never been in a serious relationship, so it's hard for me to understand that... I feel like if you want to be with someone, you just are, and considering everything that's happened, I'm wondering if I really should give it time - which Im fine with, I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship , but in that same time, don't want to be liiving a false hope - or just end it now if this is how he wants it to look like.
Last edited by dominiquexx; 4 weeks ago
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999tigger
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#2
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#2
(Original post by dominiquexx)
Hi, everyone I wanted to ask you for your opinion on a guy I'm dating. It's probably going to be a long post, because this situation is pretty complicated, but I would love to hear some advice of people who - unlike myself, him, my friends and family - can be totally objective. We met through mutual friends about five months ago, started dating a month later (in June) and things were going great. He's 25 years old, I'm 22, we're both in college, live pretty close to each other and have quite a lot in common, so it was all very simple and easy. From the beginning it was obvious that he was way more interested in me than I was in him, but I decided that even though I'm probably not going to fall for this guy, I can give it a shot, because we have a really great tme together. Then, about month and a half into dating, things started to get weird. I had a feeling he's pulling away and - unfortunately - started to panick. I realised I actually liked him way more than I'd thought and it scared me. Didn't know what to do, I really wanted to just give him space and see what's gonna happen, but I couldn't. My anxiety was at its peak and I became obsessed, compulsively checking my phone to see if he texted me, thinking about it all the time, etc. I couldn't take it anymore so I just asked him if something's wrong, whether he stopped caring or does he want to keep dating, cause if not, then Im fine, but I'm too anxious not to know, I'm the type of a person who has to know where they stand (or in other words, control freak). He said that he cares about me and doesn't want us to stop seeing each other. Then we kept dating and texting, he introduced me to his brother and his wife, everything was fine, but suddenly he stopped texting for a whole week. I didn't initate conversation either, but by the end of that week I got stupidly drunk, texted him and told him that it bothers me that he hasn't contacted me a whole week. I don't if this was the right move, maybe I should have kept my cool, or maybe it was a mature thing to do to just confront him about it, I don't know, but then we texted a little and stopped for three weeks. Well to me it was over and I felt a little heartbroken, even though I hated myself for it, because it wasn't even a relationship, but I felt like **** nonetheless. Then we met accidentally, and he apologised, explained that had some issues (which I actually knew was true) and he wanted to keep dating... I decided to give it one more try and we've been texting and hanging out ever since, but with much less frequency. Last week he told me that he wants to take it slow, because he's had some very serious relationships in the past and he doesn't want to get attached and get hurt again. That it's more difficult for him to jump into another relationship as quickly as it used to be in the past, but he cares about me and he wants to keep dating, just taking it slower than at the very beginning. I, on the other hand, have never been in a serious relationship, so it's hard for me to understand that... I feel like if you want to be with someone, you just are, and considering everything that's happened, I'm wondering if I really should give it time - which Im fine with, I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship , but in that same time, don't want to be liiving a false hope - or just end it now if this is how he wants it to look like.
It could really have done with some paragraphs as it was hard to read as it was.

He may have some issues and he may need space, but theres also a fact people can raise these things to hide other things that he isnt that interested, doesnt care as much as you want hi,m to etc.

For some reason you seem attached? is iot because you like him and being in a sort of relationship or you dont want to be rejected?

Give him space, but imo when it was good you werent really going anywhere because you want different things and the relationship isnt really that good.

I would leave it, stay friends, but find someone more compatible where it isnt such an effort. maybe he will heal up and come back, but imo its more about you not being well matched. Sounds like it will peter out anyway. You are putting too much thought into it. Try it on an equal level as he is for a few weeks and then decide if thats what you want.
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dominiquexx
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#3
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(Original post by 999tigger)
It could really have done with some paragraphs as it was hard to read as it was.

He may have some issues and he may need space, but theres also a fact people can raise these things to hide other things that he isnt that interested, doesnt care as much as you want hi,m to etc.

For some reason you seem attached? is iot because you like him and being in a sort of relationship or you dont want to be rejected?

Give him space, but imo when it was good you werent really going anywhere because you want different things and the relationship isnt really that good.

I would leave it, stay friends, but find someone more compatible where it isnt such an effort. maybe he will heal up and come back, but imo its more about you not being well matched. Sounds like it will peter out anyway. You are putting too much thought into it. Try it on an equal level as he is for a few weeks and then decide if thats what you want.
Thanks for replying, I agree with pretty much everything you said, except that the relationship isn't that good, because overall it is, I mean if I were to evaluate only the time we spend together and conversations we have, it's great.

But I thought about us not being compatible many times before too, it was actually one of the reasons why I wasn't so interested to begin with. And you're definitely right with me overthinking this, it's what I do A LOT Your advice is pretty much the same thing I had in mind - I was planning to just give it a couple weeks, maybe a month or so, and see how it looks like.

I don't know, I feel very lost, because he told me that taking it slow is not a code for him sleeping around and he showed multiple times that he really cares about me. And I know I am incredibly insecure and overthinking everything, which makes it hard for me to trust myself and my judgement. I ****ed up a lot of relationships with my anxiety and reading too much into every damn thing
Last edited by dominiquexx; 4 weeks ago
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999tigger
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#4
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(Original post by dominiquexx)
Thanks for replying, I agree with pretty much everything you said, except that the relationship isn't that good, because overall it is, I mean if I were to evaluate only the time we spend together and conversations we have, it's great.

But I thought about us not being compatible many times before too, it was actually one of the reasons why I wasn't so interested to begin with. And you're definitely right with me overthinking this, it's what I do A LOT Your advice is pretty much the same thing I had in mind - I was planning to just give it a couple weeks, maybe a month or so, and see how it looks like.

I don't know, I feel very lost, because he told me that taking it slow is not a code for him sleeping around and he showed multiple times that he really cares about me. And I know I am incredibly insecure and overthinking everything, and so I don't really trust myself and my judgement of the situation
If its better than I describe then decide if its worth investing in. I was under the impression you wanted more.
In any even you cant force him so yopu have to decide be patient and wait or go elsewhere.


Just prepare both outcomes and review in a month. More of the same or had enough?
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dominiquexx
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(Original post by 999tigger)
If its better than I describe then decide if its worth investing in. I was under the impression you wanted more.
In any even you cant force him so yopu have to decide be patient and wait or go elsewhere.


Just prepare both outcomes and review in a month. More of the same or had enough?
Yeah, I'm just gonna have to see what happens in those next weeks and decide if this is what I want. Like I said before, Im fine with us not being official or anything, if he puts in the effort and we spend quality time together. I feel like maybe putting this aside for a while could be a good idea, because constantly talking about definitions and important stuff is kinda taking away all the joy that dating should bring and makes it pointless. It would be different if we had problems in a serious, long term relationship, but after about three months only maybe we should just let it be and see where it takes us.
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999tigger
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#6
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(Original post by dominiquexx)
Yeah, I'm just gonna have to see what happens in those next weeks and decide if this is what I want. Like I said before, Im fine with us not being official or anything, if he puts in the effort and we spend quality time together. I feel like maybe putting this aside for a while could be a good idea, because constantly talking about definitions and important stuff is kinda taking away all the joy that dating should bring and makes it pointless. It would be different if we had problems in a serious, long term relationship, but after about three months only maybe we should just let it be and see where it takes us.
Saves you all that worry and wasted energy. Just write it down whether you do option A or B in a months time.
You dont know if he speaks the truth or he is just using it as an excuse.
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