The Student Room Group

Equine studies-could someone comment my personal statement please ;)

Here is my personal statement and i would like to ask someone to review it, because I do not feel confident about it.

"If the riding art were not so difficult we would have plenty of good riders and excellently ridden horses, but as it is the art requires, in addition to everything else, character traits that are not combined in everyone: inexhaustible patience, firm perseverance under stress, courage combined with quiet alertness. If the seed is present only a true, deep love for the horse can develop these character traits to the height that alone will lead to the goal."
I love horses from the childhood, even in my family nobody is related to them. I started riding 6 years ago and horses steeped deeply into my life and I can not imagine it without them. I read english books and magazines about horses, practice a lot. I am an active member of "Dressage club of Lithuania" ("Lietuvos dailiojo jojimo klubas"), I am being often asked by Lithuanian horse breeders to help in communication with foreign buyers (usually at customhouse when transporting horses or at the stable when buying them). I have an official thank for my deserts for "Lithuanian horse sports". I was trained by best riders of the country and I have participated in various local competitions (I got many various awards) and at international endurance, where I took the second place. As I am not from a very well off family and horse sport is really expensive here I had to work after school and during holidays in the stables different jobs, prepare horses for sale, help coach in the competition. While the owners were out for some days I had to look after the stable, horses, starting riders alone. During holidays and in summer I used to assist in organising competitions, work as a "start judge". Unfortunately, equine life in Lithuania is not developed. And during all this time I have seen many severe cases of horse injuries, deaths and brutal conduction due to the lack of knowledge and uncircumspection. The thing is that specialist of equine domain are not being prepared in Lithuania, so I would like to learn how to manage the stable and deal with horses from the country which has deep traditions, experience of many years and excellently developed equine life. Since the economy of Lithuania is grows at a rapid pace equine sphere becomes more and more popular, particularly now, when Lithuania entered European Union, leisure is being developed and riding clubs are being established. After graduation of Equine Studies in the UK I would have a great opportunity to open my own business and bring in a contribution to the development of the Lithuanian horse sport. What concerns the language, I have been studying English for 12 years. I graduated "American English School" and yearly used to get diplomas with "Excellent". I spent the summer of 2004 in London - exploring the city, country culture and history, working in the shop "Riders and Squires", practising my language skills, communicating with people from the horse industry from all over the world, collecting information about studies and horses. I often have to represent my school in different activities, because I am a very active member of the "Seym of Students of School" and I am doing very well in studies. I enjoy Mathematics, languages (English, Russian, Lithuanian), Science, Physical Education.
Even though I dedicate the biggest part of time for horses, I also love gymnastics, dances. I am very interested in Information Technologies, Programming. I never miss an opportunity to travel and discover new things.
Reply 1
Well it sounds good to me, but there are a few langauge errors that need correcting, I'll try and help you on that.

"If the riding art were not so difficult we would have plenty of good riders and excellently ridden horses, but as it is the art requires, in addition to everything else, character traits that are not combined in everyone: inexhaustible patience, firm perseverance under stress, courage combined with quiet alertness. If the seed is present only a true, deep love for the horse can develop these character traits to the height that alone will lead to the goal." - Comment on what you think about this quote ^_^.

I love horses from the childhood, even in my family nobody is related to them.
- doesn't really make sense. The first bit would be "I have loved horses from childhood", but I'm not sure what you mean by "nobody is related to them".

I started riding 6 years ago and horses steeped deeply into my life and I can not imagine it without them. - Just one typo there..."stepped" instead of "steeped".

I read english books and magazines about horses, practice a lot. - What do you mean by "practice a lot". Do you mean practice your English? Or increase your knowledge of horses?

I am being often asked by Lithuanian horse breeders to help in communication with foreign buyers (usually at customhouse when transporting horses or at the stable when buying them). - I am often asked by Lithuanian horse breeders...

I have an official thank for my deserts for "Lithuanian horse sports". I was trained by best riders of the country and I have participated in various local competitions (I got many various awards) and at international endurance, where I took the second place. - The first sentence doesn't make sense and I'm not sure what you mean. The rest is fine.

As I am not from a very well off family and horse sport is really expensive here I had to work after school and during holidays in the stables different jobs, prepare horses for sale, help coach in the competition.
- Replace "really" with "very", it just makes it sound better. Replace "in the stables different jobs..." with "at the stables doing a number of jobs, such as preparing horses for sale and helping to coach for competitions".

While the owners were out for some days I had to look after the stable, horses, starting riders alone. During holidays and in summer I used to assist in organising competitions, work as a "start judge". - Replace "starting riders alone" with "and beginner riders alone". Replace "During holidays......" with "During holidays and in the summer I used to assist with the organisation of competitions and I worked as a starting judge".

Unfortunately, equine life in Lithuania is not developed. And during all this time I have seen many severe cases of horse injuries, deaths and brutal conduction due to the lack of knowledge and uncircumspection. - Fine, I'm not sure what that last word is, maybe it's because I don't know much about equine stuff ^_^.

The thing is that specialist of equine domain are not being prepared in Lithuania, so I would like to learn how to manage the stable and deal with horses from the country which has deep traditions, experience of many years and excellently developed equine life. - Replace with "The problem is that equine specialists are not being trained well in Lithuania, therefore I would like to learn how to manage stables and how to deal with horses in a country, which has deep traditions and an excelllently developed equine community".

Eek, sorry, that's all I have time to do right, now I'll try and run through the rest a little later. As I said it sounds good so far, the only problems are a few grammatical mistakes. I'm not being patronising I hope.
Reply 2
If the riding art was not so difficult we would have plenty of good riders and excellently ridden horses. However, riding is a discipline that requires special character traits that are not usually combined in everyone, inexhaustible patience, firm perseverance under stress, courage combined with quiet alertness. If the seeds of these traits are present, a true deep love for the horse can develop to a height that cannot otherwise be achieved.

I have loved horses from childhood, even though nobody in my family is involved with them. I started riding 6 years ago and now horses are steeped deeply into my life so much so that I can not imagine life without them. I've read English books and magazines about horses and practice at every opportunity. I am an active member of the "Dressage club of Lithuania" ("Lietuvos dailiojo jojimo klubas") and am often asked by Lithuanian horse breeders to help in communication when dealing with foreign buyers (usually at the customhouse when transporting horses or at the stable when buying them), resulting in being thanked for my contribution to "Lithuanian horse sports". I was trained by my country's best riders and have been very successful at many local competitions but my highest achievement so far was to take second place at International Endurance.

My family is not very well off and horse sport is so expensive here I've had to work after school and during holidays in the stables doing different jobs such as preparing horses for sale and helping coach in the competition. I've had to take responsibility for the stable, horses and starting riders alone whenever the owners were away. During holidays and in summer I have assisted with organising competitions and worked as a "start judge". Unfortunately, equine life in Lithuania is not developed and during this time I have seen many severe cases of horse injuries, deaths and brutal treatment because of lack of knowledge and compassion. The problem is that specialist knowledge of equine welfare isn't being developed here in Lithuania, so my ambition is to learn how to manage the stable and attend to horses from the Country with generations of experience and deep traditions of caring for equine life. Since the economy of Lithuania is growing at a rapid pace, equine activities have become more popular particularly now that Lithuania has entered the European Union and many riding clubs are being established to cater for demand.

After graduating with Equine Studies in the UK my ambition is to open my own business and contribute to the development of Lithuanian horse sport. With regards to the English language, I have studied English for 12 years and have now graduated from the "American English School" with annual diplomas marked "Excellent". I spent the summer of 2004 in London - exploring the city, country culture and history, working in the shop "Riders and Squires", practising my language skills, communicating with people from the horse industry from all over the world and collecting information about studies and horses. I am a very active member of the "Seym of Students of School" and often represent it in various activities. I am doing very well in my studies, enjoying Mathematics, languages (English, Russian, Lithuanian), Science and Physical Education.

Even though I dedicate the biggest part of time for horses, I also love gymnastics, dances and am very interested in Information Technologies and Programming. I never miss an opportunity to travel and discover new things but my greatest deisre is to graduate from an English University and use my knowledge to further the understanding of the horse in Lithuania.



I am stunned by your ps, your love of horses and determination to succeed are obvious. Read through my suggestions and refine it as much as you can. Reading your ps has made me realise how shallow mine is. Good luck.
Reply 3
MrsJones
If the riding art was not so difficult we would have plenty of good riders and excellently ridden horses. However, riding is a discipline that requires special character traits that are not usually combined in everyone, inexhaustible patience, firm perseverance under stress, courage combined with quiet alertness. If the seeds of these traits are present, a true deep love for the horse can develop to a height that cannot otherwise be achieved.

I have loved horses from childhood, even though nobody in my family is involved with them. I started riding 6 years ago and now horses are steeped deeply into my life so much so that I can not imagine life without them. I've read English books and magazines about horses and practice at every opportunity. I am an active member of the "Dressage club of Lithuania" ("Lietuvos dailiojo jojimo klubas") and am often asked by Lithuanian horse breeders to help in communication when dealing with foreign buyers (usually at the customhouse when transporting horses or at the stable when buying them), resulting in being thanked for my contribution to "Lithuanian horse sports". I was trained by my country's best riders and have been very successful at many local competitions but my highest achievement so far was to take second place at International Endurance.

My family is not very well off and horse sport is so expensive here I've had to work after school and during holidays in the stables doing different jobs such as preparing horses for sale and helping coach in the competition. I've had to take responsibility for the stable, horses and starting riders alone whenever the owners were away. During holidays and in summer I have assisted with organising competitions and worked as a "start judge". Unfortunately, equine life in Lithuania is not developed and during this time I have seen many severe cases of horse injuries, deaths and brutal treatment because of lack of knowledge and compassion. The problem is that specialist knowledge of equine welfare isn't being developed here in Lithuania, so my ambition is to learn how to manage the stable and attend to horses from the Country with generations of experience and deep traditions of caring for equine life. Since the economy of Lithuania is growing at a rapid pace, equine activities have become more popular particularly now that Lithuania has entered the European Union and many riding clubs are being established to cater for demand.

After graduating with Equine Studies in the UK my ambition is to open my own business and contribute to the development of Lithuanian horse sport. With regards to the English language, I have studied English for 12 years and have now graduated from the "American English School" with annual diplomas marked "Excellent". I spent the summer of 2004 in London - exploring the city, country culture and history, working in the shop "Riders and Squires", practising my language skills, communicating with people from the horse industry from all over the world and collecting information about studies and horses. I am a very active member of the "Seym of Students of School" and often represent it in various activities. I am doing very well in my studies, enjoying Mathematics, languages (English, Russian, Lithuanian), Science and Physical Education.

Even though I dedicate the biggest part of time for horses, I also love gymnastics, dances and am very interested in Information Technologies and Programming. I never miss an opportunity to travel and discover new things but my greatest deisre is to graduate from an English University and use my knowledge to further the understanding of the horse in Lithuania.



I am stunned by your ps, your love of horses and determination to succeed are obvious. Read through my suggestions and refine it as much as you can. Reading your ps has made me realise how shallow mine is. Good luck.


Beat me to it ^_^. Fair enough.
Reply 4
WOW. It's all I can say. Thank you so much, now my ps is 10000000 times better that it was before. I would like to explain some sentences:
"If the riding art were not so difficult we would have plenty of good riders and excellently ridden horses, but as it is the art requires, in addition to everything else, character traits that are not combined in everyone: inexhaustible patience, firm perseverance under stress, courage combined with quiet alertness. If the seed is present only a true, deep love for the horse can develop these character traits to the height that alone will lead to the goal." - i have read this in a book about horses of one german rider. As i should comment on it, I could say that i strongly believe in this. Or I should say something more?
I love horses from the childhood, even in my family nobody is related to them - I mean that nobody else from my family is interested in horses except me. (i didn't inherit this from anybody)
I started riding 6 years ago and horses steeped deeply into my life and I can not imagine it without them. - the word "steeped" is exactly what i mean and stepped (made from step) is not strong enough to express what I am thinking.
I read english books and magazines about horses, practice a lot. - I didn't mean that I am practising my english. Does it sound so?
The thing is that specialist of equine domain are not being prepared in Lithuania, so I would like to learn how to manage the stable and deal with horses from the country which has deep traditions, experience of many years and excellently developed equine life. - Beeing nothing, I cant claim that specialist are not trained well and their qualifications are not good enough, becaus I don't have any formal qualifications which allows me to say that.
With regards to the English language, I have studied English for 12 years and have now graduated from the "American English School" with annual diplomas marked "Excellent".
- I have studied english for 12 years, but not all the time in "American English School". In this one i had been studying for 6 years and I graduated it several years ago. I am afraid that people might think that I was studying all theese 12 years in that school, which is not true.
horse sport is so expensive here I've had to work after school
- I am not sure if I can write with ' (I've had) becouse this is an oficial letter. So should I say "I have had to ..." or leave "I've had" ?

Once again, thank you very much guys. You did a great job. Anybody wants to see our lovely horses and the place where I ride now? :wink: www.sport-horses.lt
Reply 5
perhaps

With regards to the English language, I have studied English for 12 years, including six at the "American English School" where I annually received diplomas marked "Excellent".


"I've had to" as written in the ps is a shortened version of "I have had to" and isn't a problem as far as I am aware, but "I have had to" doesn't alter the context at all so use it if you are more comfortable with it.
Reply 6
Now my ps is complete :wink: and I will send it as soon as I can. Thank you for your help.