I don’t know what to do

So for my boyfriend’s 20th birthday I took a lot of time and effort to pay for and plan a trip to Amsterdam which I put a lot of time and money in to.
Next month is my 21st birthday which is a big birthday. I’ve been saying I would like to go on holiday for the past 3/4 months. I’ve asked over and over again whether we can look at where we want to go etc. When I am looking at hotels and stuff he didn’t seem interested. Now that we’ve discussed it and decided that we are going to do a weekend away together due to financial reasons, I’ve asked over and over again where he would like to go and what type of activities he’d like to do whilst we’re away.
I’m not a person who likes to be the centre of attention, but is asking for a bit of effort from my boyfriend too much to ask for? It’s my 21st birthday and I’ve been so excited but I just don’t feel like he’s bothered and I put in soooo much effort for his birthday.
Maybe it’s my fault for being a bit of a pushover but I’m just wondering what people think because I feel so disappointed and upset about all this - it’s really annoyed me.

Thanks guys

Reply 1

Welshvisitor

20

I’m not clear about something: you’re asking him what he wants to do and the type of things he likes for your 21 st or for his 20th?

Reply 2

fallen_acorns

20

Maybe wait and see what he does first.

Your birthday hasn't actually happened yet.. there is still the chance that he has done what you want, and is keeping it a secret, or that he hasn't yet, but is a bit last minute and will book it within the month, or that he has something different but equally special planned.

Or maybe he ends up doing nothing special... if that happens, sure be pissed off at him, I would be. But its not healthy to be pissed off at someone for something they haven't even done yet. He hasn't disapointed you... yet.

Reply 3

Welshvisitor

20

Ok I guess you’ve already been to Amsterdam so it’s your bday. In that case it’s about what you want to do! It’s your day, do it your way. It is sad that he doesn’t plan it with you for you. Is that his pattern generally, a bit unconcerned for you? Or are you going so full on when it comes to his celebrations that others typically wouldn’t go that far, not just him. If it’s the former you’d better get used to it, for he might not change!

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by fallen_acorns

Maybe wait and see what he does first.

Your birthday hasn't actually happened yet.. there is still the chance that he has done what you want, and is keeping it a secret, or that he hasn't yet, but is a bit last minute and will book it within the month, or that he has something different but equally special planned.

Or maybe he ends up doing nothing special... if that happens, sure be pissed off at him, I would be. But its not healthy to be pissed off at someone for something they haven't even done yet. He hasn't disapointed you... yet.

Thank you x

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Welshvisitor

Ok I guess you’ve already been to Amsterdam so it’s your bday. In that case it’s about what you want to do! It’s your day, do it your way. It is sad that he doesn’t plan it with you for you. Is that his pattern generally, a bit unconcerned for you? Or are you going so full on when it comes to his celebrations that others typically wouldn’t go that far, not just him. If it’s the former you’d better get used to it, for he might not change!

It’s typical for him yes he doesn’t seem to bother much with anything to do with me. It’s my fault for allowing this behaviour for so long.

Reply 6

fallen_acorns

20

Original post by Anonymous

Thank you x

If he really doesn't do anything special then you should strongly evaluate your relationship. Personally I like to do a lot for my partners, and really make a big deal of birthdays and christmasses, and occasions. I met so many nice girls who were lovely, but were not on my level when it came to making effort, and the relationships always decended into resentment, arguements and ended.

Its really important you find someone who matches what your willing to put in. Its fine if both of you want to do very little, and have a really minimal relationship... and its fine if your both over the top and like to do a lot for each other.. but a missmatch in effort is a time bomb. When I finally met my wife, I was blown away by meeting someone who would put in the same effort that I do, and honestly its lovely when you don't need to worry, you know they will and want to do as much for you as you do for them.

So if your a giving type of person, and he turns out not to be.. either get ready to lower the amount of effort you put in, or force him to raise his game, because otherwise its going to be a resentful relationship.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by fallen_acorns

If he really doesn't do anything special then you should strongly evaluate your relationship. Personally I like to do a lot for my partners, and really make a big deal of birthdays and christmasses, and occasions. I met so many nice girls who were lovely, but were not on my level when it came to making effort, and the relationships always decended into resentment, arguements and ended.

Its really important you find someone who matches what your willing to put in. Its fine if both of you want to do very little, and have a really minimal relationship... and its fine if your both over the top and like to do a lot for each other.. but a missmatch in effort is a time bomb. When I finally met my wife, I was blown away by meeting someone who would put in the same effort that I do, and honestly its lovely when you don't need to worry, you know they will and want to do as much for you as you do for them.

So if your a giving type of person, and he turns out not to be.. either get ready to lower the amount of effort you put in, or force him to raise his game, because otherwise its going to be a resentful relationship.

I’m the same, I’ll do anything for him. I give him rides everywhere, pick him up whenever he needs, always making an effort wherever I can.
Don’t get me wrong when we are good, we’re good, but the bad seems to be outweighing that now.
I’m very close with his family, his mum, sister’s, etc..he has only met my family a couple of times because he never wants to come to family gatherings etc even if it’s just for an hour or so. He says that his family aren’t as close therefore it doesn’t matter to him. When I ask him to do simple things, for example last night I’d just finished in the shower and realised I’d left my bag in my car with my purse in it- I asked him whether he would run to the car for me to grab it, and even that was a task for him.

I just feel like I do everything I possibly can and I don’t really get much back from that.
My heads very confused.