The Student Room Group

Stuck-Up (But depressed, anxious and no friends)

The title may be a bit mis-leading and so I want to give a bit of a background, I have currently just finished my PPE degree from LSE and during the time I really made no friends.

During secondary school I was private schooled however in year 11 we moved and the closest school was a normal state school and I did my GCSE`s there. At the start of year 11 it was difficult to make friends as everyone by then had formed their friendship groups so for my GCSEs I was usually on my own at lunch and break and on the odd day I would sit and have lunch with a few people that just happened to be in my class prior to lunch but I always felt like an intruder, other times I would play football with the lads that were playing but usually they had set teams so even that felt like I was intruding.

Fast forward to sixth form, I decided to move to a college to do my a-levels and soon fell into the wrong crowd. Having made no friends during year 11 I was sort of desperate to just have "friends" regardless of whether they were good or bad friends. I fell into a crowd of lads who were from rough council estates and people who came to college to mess about and I followed on. From being at a top performing private school and getting top marks in my GCSEs the teachers at college quickly realised that something was not right. I was often causing trouble and up to no good just so I would not be left out. I did achieve my goal of having friends as I quickly developed a reputation at that college, albeit not a very good one. I was constantly following the crowd I had surrounded myself with and found myself embroiled in whatever they were doing, from fighting, messing around in class, disrespecting teachers etc.

The people I was surrounded with were all used to being suspended, expelled and really had no goals and soon enough I was the same. I would start disrespecting teachers, swearing at them and this led me to being suspended before the October half-term. I was spending more time with my "friends" outside of college hanging around their estates, in the town centre etc.

In May, after being suspended numerous times and having had numerous meetings I was finally expelled from college (I wont detail the reasons) and even then I did not learn my lesson. I was still hanging around with the same people during the summer holidays.

Through all of this, I never realised how upset my parents had become, they were usually called into meetings and they had no answer for why I was like this, neither did the teachers. Fortunately, we moved to a new city and I was put into a school and for the first time I realised my mistakes and was able to rectify them and I turned my life around, gaining 4 A* and a place at LSE and now achieving a first.

However, this led to numerous problems at university when I tried to develop friendships. Having almost had my life ruined hanging around with "not well off kids" I developed a attitude where I kept my distance from anyone who came from a "poor background" (Yes I get it not everyone is the same, I know) however, I have since never been able to form relationships with people once I find out that they are not well-off or if I have any doubt about whether they would be a good friend to have around.

In changing myself, I became very lonely as I didnt believe anyone had good intentions and wanted good for me so I used to keep myself to myself and my siblings and parents were my only "friends" - I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers so It was never like I was completely alone. Whilst, I am happy with how far I have come, I dont want people to think I am stuck up.

I seem to give off the impression that I think I am better than X, when realistically I just never want to surround myself with the people I was with before, I know its not a good way to be and that is why I genuinely want to change and be able to make friends with people.

If anyone has any tips or advice I would be grateful
Have you thought of going for counselling?
I go to psychotherapy and find it useful.
Nobody forced you to act like a twit. You can blame other people all you want, but you’ll never move beyond your self-imposed barriers if you don’t take responsibility for your actions. Your attitude is a bit offensive. Maybe counselling would help. It seems like you’re keeping people at a distance out of fear and it doesn’t have to be like that.
Original post by Anonymous
The title may be a bit mis-leading and so I want to give a bit of a background, I have currently just finished my PPE degree from LSE and during the time I really made no friends.

During secondary school I was private schooled however in year 11 we moved and the closest school was a normal state school and I did my GCSE`s there. At the start of year 11 it was difficult to make friends as everyone by then had formed their friendship groups so for my GCSEs I was usually on my own at lunch and break and on the odd day I would sit and have lunch with a few people that just happened to be in my class prior to lunch but I always felt like an intruder, other times I would play football with the lads that were playing but usually they had set teams so even that felt like I was intruding.



Fast forward to sixth form, I decided to move to a college to do my a-levels and soon fell into the wrong crowd. Having made no friends during year 11 I was sort of desperate to just have "friends" regardless of whether they were good or bad friends. I fell into a crowd of lads who were from rough council estates and people who came to college to mess about and I followed on. From being at a top performing private school and getting top marks in my GCSEs the teachers at college quickly realised that something was not right. I was often causing trouble and up to no good just so I would not be left out. I did achieve my goal of having friends as I quickly developed a reputation at that college, albeit not a very good one. I was constantly following the crowd I had surrounded myself with and found myself embroiled in whatever they were doing, from fighting, messing around in class, disrespecting teachers etc.

The people I was surrounded with were all used to being suspended, expelled and really had no goals and soon enough I was the same. I would start disrespecting teachers, swearing at them and this led me to being suspended before the October half-term. I was spending more time with my "friends" outside of college hanging around their estates, in the town centre etc.

In May, after being suspended numerous times and having had numerous meetings I was finally expelled from college (I wont detail the reasons) and even then I did not learn my lesson. I was still hanging around with the same people during the summer holidays.

Through all of this, I never realised how upset my parents had become, they were usually called into meetings and they had no answer for why I was like this, neither did the teachers. Fortunately, we moved to a new city and I was put into a school and for the first time I realised my mistakes and was able to rectify them and I turned my life around, gaining 4 A* and a place at LSE and now achieving a first.

However, this led to numerous problems at university when I tried to develop friendships. Having almost had my life ruined hanging around with "not well off kids" I developed a attitude where I kept my distance from anyone who came from a "poor background" (Yes I get it not everyone is the same, I know) however, I have since never been able to form relationships with people once I find out that they are not well-off or if I have any doubt about whether they would be a good friend to have around.

In changing myself, I became very lonely as I didnt believe anyone had good intentions and wanted good for me so I used to keep myself to myself and my siblings and parents were my only "friends" - I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers so It was never like I was completely alone. Whilst, I am happy with how far I have come, I dont want people to think I am stuck up.

I seem to give off the impression that I think I am better than X, when realistically I just never want to surround myself with the people I was with before, I know its not a good way to be and that is why I genuinely want to change and be able to make friends with people.

If anyone has any tips or advice I would be grateful

Hello,

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through. I've been through something very similar in my earlier years, except back-to-front, and in the reverse.

I think it is very difficult been thrust into a different environment, that you are not used too. I think primarily, this is about social class, and as much as people say it doesn't matter / isn't significant, it is. Specifically, in UK culture, it has the power to change your life for the better or worse, as your thread has demonstrated.

My experience, as previously mentioned is pretty much like yours, except I do not come from a wealthy background. I'm pretty working class as they come really, except, I've had people meet me and assume I'm middle-class because I'm eloquent, well-spoken and educated.

My situation was such, that, I went to a pretty rubbish comprehensive school, was not doing so well in my GCSEs. From about year 9 to 11 I stopped putting in effort, as I'd resigned myself to the fact I'd fail. I had been in a failing and dysfunctional school environment for so long, it didn't matter, teachers could not control the pupils, disruptive, being sent out of class, nobody got anything done.

The teachers weren't all that bad. Some were horrendous, but there was some well meaning ones, that tried in vain to control the class, and teach, it just never happened. Every single day, at least one class was disrupted (fights / violence etc), if not all of them, and its hard to get the focus back when something like that happens.

I wasn't a bad person, but certainly a product of my environment, (which I believe your environment plays a massive part of shaping you), although yes, I could have tried harder, but what was the point? It would inevitably affect my future, but what could I do in that situation.

The problem is when you have all those misbehaving pupils, they go home, their parents either can't control them, or encourage it. Some parents don't push their kids at all, some do. Mine didn't, but not because they didn't want me to do well. My parents weren't that well educated, but well meaning people, so they kind of didn't have the academic interests and ability to do so.

Also I felt that teachers did have favourites, including, focussing on the academically excelling students. Which, caused a rift between the students that needed support, in a volatile environment, but didn't get that support.

My explanation for my sudden decline was that also my Father died when I was 14 and that pretty much put me on a decline from then onwards.

On top of all these issues, I had learning difficulties with certain subjects, which made it more challenging. I considered transferring schools in the area, but I was already in Yr 11, and pretty much bound for failure.


I left school with less than stellar results, and for a period after school, I hung about in the wrong crowd. I got arrested at 17 for a relatively serious offence, but got a slap on the wrist luckily. I see this rebellion as a reaction to my Fathers' passing, and just the fact I felt I had no future.

When people have no future they rebel, and I imagine you felt like that when you got expelled. The difference is, you had a pretty good start in life, not to make you feel bad, but you had a much bigger safety net to do something with.

After school, I went to college, distanced myself from bad people. Redeemed myself. Ended up going to University after all my hard work, into my first choice institution - not Cambridge, Oxford, LSE, or some other Russel Group - but I was very proud to have turned my life around.

Of course, I dropped out and later re-entered and did quite well. This hasn't had any relevance to my future, and to be honest I'm not bothered, as an achievement is an achievement.

The thing I found hard though, and in which, I relate to you is that after been arrested and as I was beginning to turn my life around, my family and I moved to a pretty affluent part of town. Well actually, in rural suburbia in a lovely village.

From then on, I kind of felt how you felt when you relocated to another school from private school.

I couldn't relate to people, and certainly could not afford to go on expensive excursions, or have fancy hobbies. We didn't live in a million pound house either, like some of those people.

But it did shape me as a person, and not in a bad way. I found these people to be much more ambitious than people in my school years. It wasn't that I was not ambitious, as I always was, its just nobody believed in me, I wasn't pushed. But I felt very alike to some of these people because we shared a drive and passion for life.

I mixed with a select few, but was unable to gel with them all.

Years later, I moved to a pretty grim part of Greater Manchester, in a deprived area, and it hit me just how sheltered my life had been. Okay, I didn't go to an expensive private school, but I had enough intelligence to go to University, I had drive, ambition, and I also had enough courage to turn my life around (like you).

It was a culture shock to see the poverty. I'd never seen a food bank before coming here.
The place I lived before I moved to an affluent area wasn't like 'mega posh' but in terms of nationally, it was affluent compared to other parts of the country. It is the kind of place people came on holiday to from other parts of the UK, it did have poverty but you had to look much harder for it.

There were no food banks or signs of obvious homelessness.

I'd lived very very well before this experience. I took it all for granted too. One thing I will say to you is, please be grateful for your upbringing, your parents will likely always be there for you when you need it, but always remember other people don't have the same privilege. I.e. getting you out of very sticky financial situations - which my folks could never do.

I now live in a pretty dark, dingy and very poor town, and I stick out like a sore thumb, because I'm educated, intelligent, well spoken/mannered. See, thing is, how others see you is very relative to their own circumstances, like class.

My point really, is that I completely get how your reaction was to going from private school to comprehensive state education. Your reaction was actually quite normal, but, the problem is, not everyone will relate to that. Teachers included. Class is something very specific, and is woven subconsciously throughout our culture. Its also something that many are too embarrassed to confront, and people likely just decided you were a bad kid, irrespective of your background.

All in all, I do not think you are stuck up, I won't judge you. However, I do think that maybe you feel a bit guilty, hence labelling yourself stuck up, because this is how you feel society will judge you. Even in writing on here, you have shown that you have empathy and do understand how the other side live.

I think what your problem really represents, is an inability to adapt between cultures, which is why you maybe 'played up' as a child at school. You are much older now, and I guess this is playing itself in other areas of your life?

It is important to remember, that perhaps you shut yourself off from people, because you didn't feel you would be accepted, and again this is normal, but it is not healthy, and you do need to go to therapy to correct this thinking. :smile:

I'd recommend psychotherapy, as another poster stated. I've also been through that process, and it helped me, but it is often an ongoing thing. Don't just stop abruptly.

Maybe you have faulty thought processes, or limiting beliefs which are shaping how you see the world, framing things differently, and this is something that therapy can help you change to be more healthy.

I wish you all the best :smile:
(edited 4 years ago)

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