Messiah the 'Master Chef' Attempts A Uni Watch

Retired_Messiah
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M'ladies and gentlemen, welcome.:hat2:

Some of you have seen me post, probably. I'm in my 3rd of 4 years at the Uni of Glasgow. It's alright. I'd give it an 8/10. Studying philosophy and religious studies, which is both on brand for the username and of interest to about 4 people on the entire planet. My plans for what I do with that degree after uni include being alive and not being dead.

I set myself goals for this year. I've set goals before, sometimes they work out. This place in theory lets me stay a c c o u n t a b l e to other people (assuming somebody reads this piece of garbage) so I'm more likely to succeed in them. There's a few of them:

1) Eat healthier
2) Exercise more
3) Lose a lil weight
4) Don't fail any modules
5) Get into some societies n make moar friends

I'll post about all of them at points, but Imma focus primarily on 1 and 3 here: this is primarily a healthy meal cooking blog.

I pride myself on being actually able to cook, but I'm lazy as hell and forget to go to the shops a lot, as well as not washing up half my cooking stuff for ages. When I do shop, man goes cheap. I also tend not to read recipes at all. This leads to questionable, but edible choices, designed to work with my overall cba attitude to uh... everything.

In short, I'm sharing with you cursed af healthy meals that you can make on the cheap and that taste good but will absolutely make people question your sensibilities and make Gordon Ramsey cry. If that's of interest... like and subscribe?

This is mostly a way to force me to get my waist back below 37 inches lest heart disease yeet on me. It's currently 38. Which makes me look v weird proportionally cause every other part of my body is built like a strand of spaghetti :unimpressed:

When I make smth weird/cool/fancy/edible I'll post it here complete with ingredients, some dodgy looking nutrition stats (I am not reading labels for y'all, I have a life) and prices ripped from the website of wherever I bought the ingredients from.

Anyway, that's me for this post. Here's a meal I conjured last night that requires NO PLATES, NO EFFORT, just a baking tray and the ability to chop things. This isn't 'proper cooking' but it's insight into how I come up with a new culinary masterpiece (or not):
Spoiler:
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Fish finger sandwich except it's made by an alien who doesn't know what a fish finger sandwich is

Ingredients:
- Fish fingers. (Not the unhealthiest - fish is better than meat generally lads. Tesco value (now Hearty Food Co™): 69p for 10)
-Bit of lettuce. (Head of iceberg is between 60-70p depending on... stuff.)
-A big-ish tomato. (I get the salad tomato pack of 6 - 75p usually)
-A couple of wholemeal wraps (Wholemeal getchu dat WHOLEGRAIN, which is good for you. Apparently. H.W Nevills/Tesco value but rebranded, 8 for 79p)
- Arbitrary but large amount of cottage cheese (I got a 300g pot of plain fat-free, it's a quid. You won't need a whole pot for this, unless decide you do. I won't judge.)

Method:
Honestly lads you can guess. Chop tomato real smol. Cook fish fingers in oven according to packet. Lop off a bit of iceberg, shred it up a bit. You don't need a lot o' that, it's more for texture cronch and actually having a vegetable than anything else.

Once all that is done, bung them in wraps in proportions/amounts you like, yeet on cottage cheese, wrap them bois up. Cottage cheese sounds like a wrong addition. It isn't. This would be so ****ing dry and bland and unfilling otherwise, you have no idea. After that er... voila, bone app the teeth.



Enjoy with a side of nothing, because I couldn't be bothered.

If you use more than a chopping board, a single sharp knife and a baking tray to make this then you deserve to be exiled into the Sahara.

WHY I MADE THIS
My flatmate's hadn't washed up so had no room in the kitchen to make anything too complicated. Looked in fridge and freezer, figured I had ingredients for a couple of pretty 'healthy' sarnies. Started doing the thing, then remembered I didn't buy bread.

THINGS YOU COULD ADD THAT WOULDN'T MAKE YOU FAT
-Ketchup. It probably needed ketchup. Hot sauce would also work: we a big fan of Bullseye Mephis Style Sweet and Spicy in this household, but it's incredibly rare for some reason.
-A kind of cottage cheese that wasn't plain. Cottage cheese is a new thing for me, I only just cut out normie cheese last week. I don't know the ways yet, but there's defo stuff that packs more flavour out there
-Some bell pepper would be cool.

HEALTH STATS
-two of your five a day, assuming you don't put in only a single strand of lettuce.
-serving of wholegrain... probably
-has fibre in it
-less calories than a dominos
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Puddles the Monkey
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Cottage cheese sounds like a wrong addition. It isn't. This would be so ****ing dry and bland and unfilling otherwise, you have no idea.
Nope it still sounds wrong :rofl:

ps watching
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Retired_Messiah
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(Original post by Puddles the Monkey)
Nope it still sounds wrong :rofl:

ps watching
I did get mixed reactions from my flatmates. But trust fam, keeps it light n f r e s h.
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Sinnoh
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Bahahaha I'll be watching this. I wonder how long it'll take for me to give up on making an effort
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Retired_Messiah
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(Original post by Sinnoh)
Bahahaha I'll be watching this. I wonder how long it'll take for me to give up on making an effort
I imagine I'm eventually gonna hit a point where I'm just telling people that I made a packet of crisps.
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Retired_Messiah
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Today’s offering: the weirdest mound of a salad ever conceived

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This isn’t a recipe its just an absolute ****ing unit that my body wasn’t prepared for. I am going to have the largest bowel movement ever recorded tomorrow, and then die instantly.

also there’s halloumi fries on there. I bought them from Tesco. the diet has slipped this eve.
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Puddles the Monkey
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(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
Today’s offering: the weirdest mound of a salad ever conceived

Name:  F0F74840-57EF-4AF3-AD97-2F6490FFD482.jpg.jpeg
Views: 43
Size:  23.8 KB

This isn’t a recipe its just an absolute ****ing unit that my body wasn’t prepared for. I am going to have the largest bowel movement ever recorded tomorrow, and then die instantly.

also there’s halloumi fries on there. I bought them from Tesco. the diet has slipped this eve.
I really need for this to have artsy/instagram style food photography like this: https://expertphotography.com/food-p...y-backgrounds/
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Retired_Messiah
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(Original post by Puddles the Monkey)
I really need for this to have artsy/instagram style food photography like this: https://expertphotography.com/food-p...y-backgrounds/
now where the heck am I gonna get a ceramic flooring tile from
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Puddles the Monkey
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(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
now where the heck am I gonna get a ceramic flooring tile from
There's gotta be one lying around somewhere in Glasgow? :beard:
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Retired_Messiah
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It is snack time my dudes
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Puddles the Monkey
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(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
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It is snack time my dudes
In the future I am going to tweet this to Gordon ramsey and see what he says
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Retired_Messiah
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Hit a snag in the routine - my thursdays are straight up gone.

I joined a society, so the evening on Thursdays is gone from about 6:30pm onwards in favour of cool events n stuff, but I'm also in uni from 10am till 5pm. By the time I'm home it's 5:30pm, so for dinner I've got about an hour window. But then I also have to do other stuff. As well we all know, adult life is a constant defence against a never-ending assault of laundry, and the tide must be stemmed sometimes. There's also, yknow, actual work to do, and ur man also wants to change before he heads out on the town.

In an experiment on how to get a meal right quick to fit with this problem, I made a riff on the first recipe. The main differences are thus:
-Only fresh vegetable is yellow pepper (I ran out of everything). You can buy a yellow pepper for 43p. Multipacks of peppers are variable, one I got was a quid for 3.
-instead of fish fingers we've got ourselves some tesco basics frozen white fish (it says pollock on the ingredients list but the branding is nondescript "white fish" which doesn't sound nice at all.) which we have cooked in the oven and shredded up. Think the bag was £2.85, you get about 5 good sized fillets.
-No cottage cheese present. We instead used tesco's own sugarfree beans. (£1 for a pack of 4, so 25p per can)

The wholemeal wrap makes a return tho. Don't worry, I only have one of those left so soon I'll be forced to actually think about a meal that can go on a plate.

The end result was an abomination.
Name:  beans.jpg
Views: 22
Size:  166.2 KB

Spoiler:
Show

REVIEW:
-That particular type of bean is the most flavourless waste of time imaginable. I later discovered from the back of the tin that tesco value's no added sugar beans have water as a main ingredient, meaning the sauce is flavourless and not even thicc. They tasted of nothing
-White pollock was a similar problem, as it's not a particularly flavourful fish to begin with and needs a bit of help to bring out flavour. I did not have the ingredients to help it. Also think I slightly overcooked it.
-the pepper was a bad texture choice.
-wrap itself was quite nice
-OVERALL: 3/10

Potential improvements:
-Heinz beans would've likely turned this from a disaster into a delicacy: When I conceived of this dish I imagined that the beans' tomatoey-salty flavour would carry through and provide much needed flavour to the fish. These tesco beans unfortunately tasted of nothing, and thus the concept was ruined from the outset.
-Pepper was a bad shout. Honestly just beans and fish would've probably been better. Would have to experiment somewhat to find alternative veg that would fit in order to maintain healthiness
-Fish needed to be seasoned once it got out the oven, and probably needed some butter added whilst it was in the oven. Was also v dry, potential fix could be wrapping them in foil and/or cooking it for a minute less.

Health stats:
-Low calorie
-2 of your 5 a day
-Source of wholegrain
-less calories than a serving of burger king chilli cheese bites (probably)
-decent protein level
-risk of giving you clinical depression
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Sinnoh
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oh my god
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Retired_Messiah
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Sad one tonight lads.

Fs in the chat.

Don't worry though: Through the grief I cooked some actual food tonight. I'm gonna tell you how I keep chicken breast good and moist, so you can always ensure a good solid chicken based meal. I'll also show some photos of wot I ate cause the salad looked quite aesthetic.


Spoiler:
Show
Ok first of all grab your breasts. You can get a solid pack of chicken breast portions from tesco for £3.25. Don't buy that frozen garbage, it won't work for this.

Next job is to prep whatever you're serving with your chicken. In this case I went for a basic salad: lettuce, tomato, and pepper. Prices same as previously described in past recipes. ABSOLUTELY 100% SEASON YOUR SALAD. A lot of people don't. But it needs some salt and pep. If you're feeling extra cool maybe yeet a bit of olive oil on it.

You can also do a v quick bootleg dressing if you have any oil, a sort of cyder vinegar (malt is not a good shout), and a squeeze of lemon. Yeet them in a cup and stir vigorously to force it all to kind of combine but not rlly (oil is bad at mixing with other liquids).

I didn't do any of that: just salt and pepper. Looked nice though.
Name:  IMG_4089.jpg
Views: 30
Size:  124.1 KB

Ok kids now it's chicken time.

HOW DO BAKE BREAST GOOD
The first job is to yeet em on a baking tray. Then you need to oil up your breasts: Just coat however many bits you have in whatever oil you've got. Make sure they're coated all over. Add salt and pepper because you're not a psycopath, then yeet that in the oven. I yote mine in the oven with a singular potato waffle. The oven in this case was at 200 degrees. 18-20 minutes lads, 18 usually does the job to perfection unless your breasts are very large. It'll come out looking less than aesthetic but you can make things look instagrammable at the plating stage.

Name:  IMG_4090.jpg
Views: 35
Size:  103.5 KB
The potato waffle pictured there was the most incredible potato waffle I've ever eaten (Tesco's own, £1.20 for a pack of 12). The oil on the baking tray comboed with the chicken juices floated over to where the waffle was chilling and sort of lightly fried (?) the bottom: this provided a soft layer on the top and an incredibly perfect crunch on the bottom. It was perfection, and frankly my finest culinary achievement. Not every potato waffle put in with this kind of chicken will do this. I have done this before and had the juices just make the potato waffle incredibly soggy: Your mileage may vary but on a good day you will achieve God's greatest culinary achievement.

Anyhoo, once it's out let your chicken rest a hot sec. Idk if it does anything in this case but letting your meat rest is good practice. In this meal I then cut it up into chunks and doused it in barbeque sauce (Bullseye original, an eye watering £2.50 but was 2 sauce bottles for £3 when I bought it and by God Bullseye is an excellent investment.) You can serve this chicken in anything, in any way you like, but it will come out juicy af every single time. The moral of the story here is oil up your breasts.

I forgot to take a pic of my dinner in it's final plated form so here's a pic of it when I'd already half eaten it (I consumed the potato waffle in seconds)

Name:  IMG_4091.jpg
Views: 29
Size:  161.0 KB

Disclaimer: This chicken method is for skinless breast specifcally: Each cut of chicken has its own procedure and a whole chicken is a whole other beast

HEALTH STATS OF THE MEAL WOT I ATE
-3 of 5 a day
-Makes you happier
-High protein
-Less calories than a KFC bargain bucket
-There's probably a source of a vitamin in there somewhere

Hopefully I have now atoned for my sins with the fish n bean wrap.
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Puddles the Monkey
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(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
Sad one tonight lads.

Fs in the chat.

Don't worry though: Through the grief I cooked some actual food tonight. I'm gonna tell you how I keep chicken breast good and moist, so you can always ensure a good solid chicken based meal. I'll also show some photos of wot I ate cause the salad looked quite aesthetic.


Spoiler:
Show
Ok first of all grab your breasts. You can get a solid pack of chicken breast portions from tesco for £3.25. Don't buy that frozen garbage, it won't work for this.

Next job is to prep whatever you're serving with your chicken. In this case I went for a basic salad: lettuce, tomato, and pepper. Prices same as previously described in past recipes. ABSOLUTELY 100% SEASON YOUR SALAD. A lot of people don't. But it needs some salt and pep. If you're feeling extra cool maybe yeet a bit of olive oil on it.

You can also do a v quick bootleg dressing if you have any oil, a sort of cyder vinegar (malt is not a good shout), and a squeeze of lemon. Yeet them in a cup and stir vigorously to force it all to kind of combine but not rlly (oil is bad at mixing with other liquids).

I didn't do any of that: just salt and pepper. Looked nice though.
Name:  IMG_4089.jpg
Views: 30
Size:  124.1 KB

Ok kids now it's chicken time.

HOW DO BAKE BREAST GOOD
The first job is to yeet em on a baking tray. Then you need to oil up your breasts: Just coat however many bits you have in whatever oil you've got. Make sure they're coated all over. Add salt and pepper because you're not a psycopath, then yeet that in the oven. I yote mine in the oven with a singular potato waffle. The oven in this case was at 200 degrees. 18-20 minutes lads, 18 usually does the job to perfection unless your breasts are very large. It'll come out looking less than aesthetic but you can make things look instagrammable at the plating stage.

Name:  IMG_4090.jpg
Views: 35
Size:  103.5 KB
The potato waffle pictured there was the most incredible potato waffle I've ever eaten (Tesco's own, £1.20 for a pack of 12). The oil on the baking tray comboed with the chicken juices floated over to where the waffle was chilling and sort of lightly fried (?) the bottom: this provided a soft layer on the top and an incredibly perfect crunch on the bottom. It was perfection, and frankly my finest culinary achievement. Not every potato waffle put in with this kind of chicken will do this. I have done this before and had the juices just make the potato waffle incredibly soggy: Your mileage may vary but on a good day you will achieve God's greatest culinary achievement.

Anyhoo, once it's out let your chicken rest a hot sec. Idk if it does anything in this case but letting your meat rest is good practice. In this meal I then cut it up into chunks and doused it in barbeque sauce (Bullseye original, an eye watering £2.50 but was 2 sauce bottles for £3 when I bought it and by God Bullseye is an excellent investment.) You can serve this chicken in anything, in any way you like, but it will come out juicy af every single time. The moral of the story here is oil up your breasts.

I forgot to take a pic of my dinner in it's final plated form so here's a pic of it when I'd already half eaten it (I consumed the potato waffle in seconds)

Name:  IMG_4091.jpg
Views: 29
Size:  161.0 KB

Disclaimer: This chicken method is for skinless breast specifcally: Each cut of chicken has its own procedure and a whole chicken is a whole other beast

HEALTH STATS OF THE MEAL WOT I ATE
-3 of 5 a day
-Makes you happier
-High protein
-Less calories than a KFC bargain bucket
-There's probably a source of a vitamin in there somewhere

Hopefully I have now atoned for my sins with the fish n bean wrap.
This actually looks nice and potato waffles are the best

ps. do you know about expand tags? They work like spoilers but you can give them a title like this [expand= Bean abomination review] These are an abomination![/expand]

Which would look like this:
Bean abomination review
These are an abomination!
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Retired_Messiah
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(Original post by Puddles the Monkey)
This actually looks nice and potato waffles are the best

ps. do you know about expand tags? They work like spoilers but you can give them a title like this
[expand= Bean abomination review] These are an abomination![/expand]

Which would look like this:
Bean abomination review
These are an abomination!
I did not know about these. You have changed my life for the better.
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Michiyo
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It is 2:40 AM and I am crying of laughter :rofl: You have earned yourself a new follower :hat2: I will be watching this :laugh:
Last edited by Michiyo; 1 month ago
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Retired_Messiah
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Had a house party last night, effectively consumed an entire bottle of gin. Today we ain't feelin good, so we ain't eating good. Here's a recipe pioneered by gin-drunk me at 4:20am this morning (no that is not a joke), now made again on the same day, deployed to be a hangover cure.

Bacon Sandwich that makes your soul achieve intense spiritual heights like those described by Hildegard of Bingen when she talks about the umbra viventis lucis



Ok kids. You're gonna need bacon. Type doesn't matter so much, but make sure it's smoked. Fry her up as above, when she got the lil brown parts all over the place she's done. We have two other ingredients going in this sandwich: Crisps, and bbq sauce.

We're not skimping out on the bbq sauce. I used Bullseye original which is a solid choice, albeit £2.50 a bottle in tesco (£2 elsewhere). Their memphis style sweet and spicy hot sauce would substitute, as it's basically just the bbq sauce but with a tiny kick. Don't use the steakhouse bbq sauce: entirely different flavour profile. This is the most important part: gin-drunk spiritual nirvana pseudo-christian mystic Retired_Messiah will have words with god next time he necks a gin and spiritually ascends, and he will ensure you burn in hell for eternity if you pick a bad bbq sauce.

Got something decent there? Good. Now it's crisp time. When I made this drunk I used a brand of crisp called XL cheese. These are some of the best basic crisps on the planet but are nigh on impossible to get hold of outside of Cumbria and certain parts of Dumfries and Galloway. I don't know why. Here's an image of them so you can scout for them when you're next doing touristy stuff in the lake district:
Spoiler:
Show




I used my last packet to make this drunk the first time. When I next go back home from uni I fully intend on buying a box of 48 from the cash and carry. Sober me substituted with sour cream and onion pringles instead. The tube cost me £2.50, which is unfortunate. It was also a notable downgrade from XL cheese crisps. As such, here's a hypothesised tier list. Bolded is crisps I've actually tried in the recipe, unbolded is what I think would work based on the recipe development performed thus far:

1. XL Cheese
2. Mccoys cheddar and onion
3. Walkers cheese and onion
4. Sour cream and onion pringles
5. Wotsits. Yes, I know.

Pick one of these and you'll be good to go.

Now the construction of the sandwich is fairly obvious, but do go bbq sauce AFTER crisps and not before. Once you crush the crisps down and smush em it makes the sauce permeate through all things.


Serve with a side of cold scotch pie, assuming you're in Scotland and thus actually able to source a scotch pie.


HEALTH STATS
ye gonnae die pal

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Michiyo
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#19
(Original post by Retired_Messiah)
Had a house party last night, effectively consumed an entire bottle of gin. Today we ain't feelin good, so we ain't eating good. Here's a recipe pioneered by gin-drunk me at 4:20am this morning (no that is not a joke), now made again on the same day, deployed to be a hangover cure.

Bacon Sandwich that makes your soul achieve intense spiritual heights like those described by Hildegard of Bingen when she talks about the umbra viventis lucis



Ok kids. You're gonna need bacon. Type doesn't matter so much, but make sure it's smoked. Fry her up as above, when she got the lil brown parts all over the place she's done. We have two other ingredients going in this sandwich: Crisps, and bbq sauce.

We're not skimping out on the bbq sauce. I used Bullseye original which is a solid choice, albeit £2.50 a bottle in tesco (£2 elsewhere). Their memphis style sweet and spicy hot sauce would substitute, as it's basically just the bbq sauce but with a tiny kick. Don't use the steakhouse bbq sauce: entirely different flavour profile. This is the most important part: gin-drunk spiritual nirvana pseudo-christian mystic Retired_Messiah will have words with god next time he necks a gin and spiritually ascends, and he will ensure you burn in hell for eternity if you pick a bad bbq sauce.

Got something decent there? Good. Now it's crisp time. When I made this drunk I used a brand of crisp called XL cheese. These are some of the best basic crisps on the planet but are nigh on impossible to get hold of outside of Cumbria and certain parts of Dumfries and Galloway. I don't know why. Here's an image of them so you can scout for them when you're next doing touristy stuff in the lake district:
Spoiler:
Show



I used my last packet to make this drunk the first time. When I next go back home from uni I fully intend on buying a box of 48 from the cash and carry. Sober me substituted with sour cream and onion pringles instead. The tube cost me £2.50, which is unfortunate. It was also a notable downgrade from XL cheese crisps. As such, here's a hypothesised tier list. Bolded is crisps I've actually tried in the recipe, unbolded is what I think would work based on the recipe development performed thus far:

1. XL Cheese
2. Mccoys cheddar and onion
3. Walkers cheese and onion
4. Sour cream and onion pringles
5. Wotsits. Yes, I know.

Pick one of these and you'll be good to go.

Now the construction of the sandwich is fairly obvious, but do go bbq sauce AFTER crisps and not before. Once you crush the crisps down and smush em it makes the sauce permeate through all things.


Serve with a side of cold scotch pie, assuming you're in Scotland and thus actually able to source a scotch pie.


HEALTH STATS
ye gonnae die pal

:rofl:

Hilarious as always, thank you for the laugh! :jumphug:
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Retired_Messiah
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#20
(Original post by Puddles the Monkey)
In the future I am going to tweet this to Gordon ramsey and see what he says
It's taken me a week but I've finally repped enough other people to rep this damn post. Gordon needs to be schooled on what real food is. Beef wellington recipes are all well and good fam but I can't afford that my dude. Also where tf am I meant to be keepin fresh herbs in this economy

(Original post by Michiyo)
:rofl:

Hilarious as always, thank you for the laugh! :jumphug:
I'm glad this mess is a blessing for you and not a curse like it is for the mainstream food industry.

To make sure this post is an actual post and not just me buttering people up I'd like to inform everybody that I'm flirting with the idea of learning how to make my own scotch pies soon, cause the cold shop bought ones from tesco make me poo a lot. If I do, I'll show u the process. If I don't... I'll post something else. Presumably.
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