Need advice about friends.. Watch

Anonymous #1
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I don't know what to do and its really frustrating me and getting on my nerves. There's this girl I've been best friends with for years and years now, and in the past when I used to hang around with my two step sisters she would get jealous, but we spoke about it and she's working on it. Then another time, me her and two other girls I don't know so well were working on a class project and video called while finishing of some stuff, and my friend muted her call, messaged me and said I should be their best friend instead... Then she blanked me the next day in school but we sorted things out. Now, my school's doing this project where the older years team up with the younger years, and the teams are randomly chosen.. I'm working with her younger sister and her sister came over to my house so we could work on it together, and I know my friends not happy about it, but I've talked to her, tried to reason with her and shes messaged me this, "...", and I just said "what is it?" and shes responded with "what! and **** so shes obviously angry, and I dont know what to say anymore and I'm so annoyed. She can be really nice, and shes a great friend but this whole jealousy thing is getting on my nerves and when she ignores me I don't feel good (maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive but thats another topic) All year she's been threatning to leave a club we joined together at school because I sometimes pair up with other people, and I first used to be like "aww don't leave," but I recentley responded saying, "ok if you really want to leave, then do it. but don't get mad at me when I've done nothing" One time we went to a water park, and I was chatting to a girl from the year below us and later my friend was like "your so annoying. that girl's my enemy and I don't like her." even though that girl hadn't done anything wrong, to me or to her. I don't know how to reason with her or advice her or anything.... like, I get jealous too, sometimes, but is it even really fair to let your jealousies/insecurities effect the way you treat other people, like the way she does? Does anyone have any advice on what I could say to her?
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cheesecakelove
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't know what to do and its really frustrating me and getting on my nerves. There's this girl I've been best friends with for years and years now, and in the past when I used to hang around with my two step sisters she would get jealous, but we spoke about it and she's working on it. Then another time, me her and two other girls I don't know so well were working on a class project and video called while finishing of some stuff, and my friend muted her call, messaged me and said I should be their best friend instead... Then she blanked me the next day in school but we sorted things out. Now, my school's doing this project where the older years team up with the younger years, and the teams are randomly chosen.. I'm working with her younger sister and her sister came over to my house so we could work on it together, and I know my friends not happy about it, but I've talked to her, tried to reason with her and shes messaged me this, "...", and I just said "what is it?" and shes responded with "what! and **** so shes obviously angry, and I dont know what to say anymore and I'm so annoyed. She can be really nice, and shes a great friend but this whole jealousy thing is getting on my nerves and when she ignores me I don't feel good (maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive but thats another topic) All year she's been threatning to leave a club we joined together at school because I sometimes pair up with other people, and I first used to be like "aww don't leave," but I recentley responded saying, "ok if you really want to leave, then do it. but don't get mad at me when I've done nothing" One time we went to a water park, and I was chatting to a girl from the year below us and later my friend was like "your so annoying. that girl's my enemy and I don't like her." even though that girl hadn't done anything wrong, to me or to her. I don't know how to reason with her or advice her or anything.... like, I get jealous too, sometimes, but is it even really fair to let your jealousies/insecurities effect the way you treat other people, like the way she does? Does anyone have any advice on what I could say to her?
I think you need to talk to her as you cannot let her possessive behaviour control how you act. Let her know that whilst you appreciate her friendship, the way that she behaves in relation to you making friends or having conversations with other people is not right and is not fair to you. If she wants to continue your friendship, she needs to see this and change her behaviour, giving you a bit of freedom. How she acting now is not healthy. Does she have any other friends? Perhaps you can also encourage her to spend time with other people so she isn't so reliant on you all of the time and jealous because of it.

If in the end, she refuses to change and cannot see what she is doing wrong, I would consider taking time off from or breaking off the friendship. You can't let her jealous behaviour dictate what you can and cannot do and who you can talk to - or else what kind of life can you lead?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cheesecakelove)
I think you need to talk to her as you cannot let her possessive behaviour control how you act. Let her know that whilst you appreciate her friendship, the way that she behaves in relation to you making friends or having conversations with other people is not right and is not fair to you. If she wants to continue your friendship, she needs to see this and change her behaviour, giving you a bit of freedom. How she acting now is not healthy. Does she have any other friends? Perhaps you can also encourage her to spend time with other people so she isn't so reliant on you all of the time and jealous because of it.

If in the end, she refuses to change and cannot see what she is doing wrong, I would consider taking time off from or breaking off the friendship. You can't let her jealous behaviour dictate what you can and cannot do and who you can talk to - or else what kind of life can you lead?
Thats the irony of it all, she has more friends then me, and is in the position to be able to meet up with friends regularly outside of school (I'm a young carer so while I do go out its not as frequent) It's just when I'm around her, if I hang out with other people she gets jealous, or if I'm talking about a time I met up with another friend. I don't let her behavior affect what I do, I'll hang out with who I want, but like the way she ignores/blanks me, and goes on about it is what frustrates me and makes me sad. When I have spoken to her in the past, she'll say something like "I'm a bad friend, I hate myself." and then I say things like "No your not, its just certain things you need to work on etc." I don't know what I should say in situations like that. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time would being blunt be better?
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cheesecakelove
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thats the irony of it all, she has more friends then me, and is in the position to be able to meet up with friends regularly outside of school (I'm a young carer so while I do go out its not as frequent) It's just when I'm around her, if I hang out with other people she gets jealous, or if I'm talking about a time I met up with another friend. I don't let her behavior affect what I do, I'll hang out with who I want, but like the way she ignores/blanks me, and goes on about it is what frustrates me and makes me sad. When I have spoken to her in the past, she'll say something like "I'm a bad friend, I hate myself." and then I say things like "No your not, its just certain things you need to work on etc." I don't know what I should say in situations like that. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time would being blunt be better?
I wonder if she is like this with her other friends or just you?

Talk to her again. In the past, when she says that she is a bad friend, it seems like you tended to pull back. I am not sure if she really understood how her behaviour makes you feel, particularly if she didn't change her ways. I get that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time, you need to stand up for yourself and be more direct with what you want to say. Make her see that you are being serious.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cheesecakelove)
I wonder if she is like this with her other friends or just you?

Talk to her again. In the past, when she says that she is a bad friend, it seems like you tended to pull back. I am not sure if she really understood how her behaviour makes you feel, particularly if she didn't change her ways. I get that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time, you need to stand up for yourself and be more direct with what you want to say. Make her see that you are being serious.
I don't think she's like that with other friends, although I can't be completely sure. We both joined our school in yr 10, having known each other for four years before hand, so I can only think she doesn't want me to become someone elses 'best friend'. I've not had a chance to speak to her as I've been home ill, and I'd rather talk about it in person with her, so I'll do that when I'm back at school, but there's a bit of a thing that happened, and I would appreciate some advise.

so we have a school group chat, with about ten mates in there, and me and another girl, ll call her Amy, were messing around spamming slightly, -and spamming is something a lot of my friends do regularly so it was nothing weird-, and then my best friend (I'll just call her Jody) deleted everyone from the group, so I messaged her asking why and she said she was annoyed cos her phone kept vibrating and her mum was gonna tell her off. So she added everyone back, and then in the group, Amy asked for an explanation as to why she was removed. Jody said "for what? for removing you?" and Jodie goes "it was an accident." ." and then Amy goes "really? I just want an explanation. you could even say I was annoying, if you want." Amy then messaged me privately saying, "I thought we (as in her and Jody) were friends." (keep in mind whenever Jody gets annoyed for whatever reason she removes people from the group, and generally that ends up being Amy.)

So I messaged Jody privately, and said, "you should really give Amy a proper explanation. Its not nice. You hurt her feelings." so she apologizes privately to Amy, and I messaged Amy to make sure she was ok and stuff. Then Jody messaged me and said, "I'm mean and horrible, see. I'm so abrupt and not nice." And idk what to say to her.... help?
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Anonymous #1
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I was thinking of maybe saying something like, "ok, thats true to an extent, and if you want to stop being like and not push people away, your gonna have to be more patient and control your temper/feelings a bit more, and articulate what your feeling instead of blanking/removing people, which ends up hurting peoples feelings. Do you think that's okay to say, or too abrupt?

(Original post by cheesecakelove)
I wonder if she is like this with her other friends or just you?

Talk to her again. In the past, when she says that she is a bad friend, it seems like you tended to pull back. I am not sure if she really understood how her behaviour makes you feel, particularly if she didn't change her ways. I get that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time, you need to stand up for yourself and be more direct with what you want to say. Make her see that you are being serious.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't think she's like that with other friends, although I can't be completely sure. We both joined our school in yr 10, having known each other for four years before hand, so I can only think she doesn't want me to become someone elses 'best friend'. I've not had a chance to speak to her as I've been home ill, and I'd rather talk about it in person with her, so I'll do that when I'm back at school, but there's a bit of a thing that happened, and I would appreciate some advise.

so we have a school group chat, with about ten mates in there, and me and another girl, ll call her Amy, were messing around spamming slightly, -and spamming is something a lot of my friends do regularly so it was nothing weird-, and then my best friend (I'll just call her Jody) deleted everyone from the group, so I messaged her asking why and she said she was annoyed cos her phone kept vibrating and her mum was gonna tell her off. So she added everyone back, and then in the group, Amy asked for an explanation as to why she was removed. Jody said "for what? for removing you?" and Jodie goes "it was an accident." ." and then Amy goes "really? I just want an explanation. you could even say I was annoying, if you want." Amy then messaged me privately saying, "I thought we (as in her and Jody) were friends." (keep in mind whenever Jody gets annoyed for whatever reason she removes people from the group, and generally that ends up being Amy.)

So I messaged Jody privately, and said, "you should really give Amy a proper explanation. Its not nice. You hurt her feelings." so she apologizes privately to Amy, and I messaged Amy to make sure she was ok and stuff. Then Jody messaged me and said, "I'm mean and horrible, see. I'm so abrupt and not nice." And idk what to say to her.... help?
Edit; was just re-reading it to make sure it made sense, and I realised I said Jody removed everyone from the group, she only removed me and Amy.
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cheesecakelove
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was thinking of maybe saying something like, "ok, thats true to an extent, and if you want to stop being like and not push people away, your gonna have to be more patient and control your temper/feelings a bit more, and articulate what your feeling instead of blanking/removing people, which ends up hurting peoples feelings. Do you think that's okay to say, or too abrupt?
Something along those lines. If she is genuine in wanting to maintain her friendships, particularly with you and Amy, she should be willing to listen and change. If she can understand how she makes you feel, hopefully it will make her think twice. How did the rest of your friends react?

(Original post by Anonymous)
so we have a school group chat, with about ten mates in there, and me and another girl, ll call her Amy, were messing around spamming slightly, -and spamming is something a lot of my friends do regularly so it was nothing weird-, and then my best friend (I'll just call her Jody) deleted everyone from the group, so I messaged her asking why and she said she was annoyed cos her phone kept vibrating and her mum was gonna tell her off. So she added everyone back, and then in the group, Amy asked for an explanation as to why she was removed. Jody said "for what? for removing you?" and Jodie goes "it was an accident." ." and then Amy goes "really? I just want an explanation. you could even say I was annoying, if you want." Amy then messaged me privately saying, "I thought we (as in her and Jody) were friends." (keep in mind whenever Jody gets annoyed for whatever reason she removes people from the group, and generally that ends up being Amy.)
I don't quite understand why she deleted everyone because of the notifications - she could have either muted the conversation or turned her phone to silent?!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cheesecakelove)
Something along those lines. If she is genuine in wanting to maintain her friendships, particularly with you and Amy, she should be willing to listen and change. If she can understand how she makes you feel, hopefully it will make her think twice. How did the rest of your friends react?


I don't quite understand why she deleted everyone because of the notifications - she could have either muted the conversation or turned her phone to silent?!
I made a mistake there, I meant she removed me and Amy, not the whole group.
My other friends didn't really react, because firstly they weren't online, and with the crazy amount of messages they probably just think we were messing around. But, one friend, (Maya) kind of knows what Jody is like, and just sent a rolling eye and confused emoji and messaged me asking if Jody was okay.

I'll be seeing Jody later today as I'm going over to her house to work on that project with her little sister. Hopefully it'll be okay.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cheesecakelove)
I don't quite understand why she deleted everyone because of the notifications - she could have either muted the conversation or turned her phone to silent
That crossed my mind too, guess she was just being awkward and taking her anger/annoyance out on us by removing us which isn't nice, but thats the only thing I can think of.
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Welshvisitor
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How old is she? It sounds suffocating, Talk to her and say as much. If she can’t change move on.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thats the irony of it all, she has more friends then me, and is in the position to be able to meet up with friends regularly outside of school (I'm a young carer so while I do go out its not as frequent) It's just when I'm around her, if I hang out with other people she gets jealous, or if I'm talking about a time I met up with another friend. I don't let her behavior affect what I do, I'll hang out with who I want, but like the way she ignores/blanks me, and goes on about it is what frustrates me and makes me sad. When I have spoken to her in the past, she'll say something like "I'm a bad friend, I hate myself." and then I say things like "No your not, its just certain things you need to work on etc." I don't know what I should say in situations like that. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time would being blunt be better?
If you are a uoung carer then you don't have time for this bulls..t. So drop this so called friend and do what you have to do!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Welshvisitor)
How old is she? It sounds suffocating, Talk to her and say as much. If she can’t change move on.
shes 15. I'm 16. I'm planning on doing that today. I was talking to my mum the other day, and I don't know if I'm over thinking but her behavior almost seems kinda narcissistic. My dad, when he was involved in our life, was a very narcissistic individual, and the feelings I would get from his behaviour are kind of similar to hers, not to the same extent... but yeah, maybe I'm being over sensitive.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by mgi)
If you are a uoung carer then you don't have time for this bulls..t. So drop this so called friend and do what you have to do!
I appreciate what your saying, but I can't just drop the friendship like that. But I'm gonna be more blunt with her, and if she carries on as she does, I guess I'll distance myself from her a bit.
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Welshvisitor
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(Original post by Anonymous)
shes 15. I'm 16. I'm planning on doing that today. I was talking to my mum the other day, and I don't know if I'm over thinking but her behavior almost seems kinda narcissistic. My dad, when he was involved in our life, was a very narcissistic individual, and the feelings I would get from his behaviour are kind of similar to hers, not to the same extent... but yeah, maybe I'm being over sensitive.
We tend to attract the problem people in our lives back in again when they leave In the form of another who has the same behaviour.
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Anonymous #1
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oh my goodness she's infuriating me now. More drama on the group chat... We have a picnic planned for the weekend and everyones bringing something different. This morning, another friend, Ellie changed the group name to "Ellie's bored. come chat." (I suggested that as a joke cos she's always complaing shes bored) then Jody goes and removes Ellie then adds her back. Ellie just sends a rolls eyes emoji and carries on chatting.

Ellie asks "Guys what drink should I bring for the picnic. Whoever says first I'll get it." so Jody suggests something and I go "ew thats wrank." and Ellie agrees, and I say jokingly, "Jody, your answers invalid cos u removed Ellie." then Ellie says "haha yea true point." and asks what drink I'd like.

So I say how about lemonade Jody starts going on about how disgusting lemonade is. (and messaged me privately says YOUR SO ANNOYING.")

Then Jody leaves the group and i said to Ellie, do you think we were mean or what? and Ellie said, Jody was just looking for attention and added her back to the group. Jody removed Ellie, and then just added her back. Then Jody made a new group chat with me and Ellie and said wtf you two being so annoying. and Ellie says ur being dramatic, and no need to swear, and as I type a response she deletes me from the group.... im fuming now and i dont care whether I hurt her feelings. shes annoying me so much. i asked her why she removed me, shes like why do you think, your annoying the f*** out of me...your not my boss I don't have to explain. So i kind of reworded that message i put above in the forum, and sent it to her, and shes seen it but not replied.. And i'm gonna see her later… not looking forward to this :/ what do u say when people act like that?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
oh my goodness she's infuriating me now. More drama on the group chat... We have a picnic planned for the weekend and everyones bringing something different. This morning, another friend, Ellie changed the group name to "Ellie's bored. come chat." (I suggested that as a joke cos she's always complaing shes bored) then Jody goes and removes Ellie then adds her back. Ellie just sends a rolls eyes emoji and carries on chatting.

Ellie asks "Guys what drink should I bring for the picnic. Whoever says first I'll get it." so Jody suggests something and I go "ew thats wrank." and Ellie agrees, and I say jokingly, "Jody, your answers invalid cos u removed Ellie." then Ellie says "haha yea true point." and asks what drink I'd like.

So I say how about lemonade Jody starts going on about how disgusting lemonade is. (and messaged me privately says YOUR SO ANNOYING.")

Then Jody leaves the group and i said to Ellie, do you think we were mean or what? and Ellie said, Jody was just looking for attention and added her back to the group. Jody removed Ellie, and then just added her back. Then Jody made a new group chat with me and Ellie and said wtf you two being so annoying. and Ellie says ur being dramatic, and no need to swear, and as I type a response she deletes me from the group.... im fuming now and i dont care whether I hurt her feelings. shes annoying me so much. i asked her why she removed me, shes like why do you think, your annoying the f*** out of me...your not my boss I don't have to explain. So i kind of reworded that message i put above in the forum, and sent it to her, and shes seen it but not replied.. And i'm gonna see her later… not looking forward to this :/ what do u say when people act like that?
do u think its wrong to be abrupt and blunt like that with her? i feel bad but shes being so weird and not nice.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Welshvisitor)
We tend to attract the problem people in our lives back in again when they leave In the form of another who has the same behaviour.
Obviously its not my responsibility to 'fix' her behaviour, but when shes not like this we get on really well, so do you think telling her straight up how her behaviour makes me feel would be best and then see if she changes anything from there.
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Welshvisitor
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Obviously its not my responsibility to 'fix' her behaviour, but when shes not like this we get on really well, so do you think telling her straight up how her behaviour makes me feel would be best and then see if she changes anything from there.
Tell her. But wait until she’s not already acting up. It won’t go well, but something needs to be said.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I appreciate what your saying, but I can't just drop the friendship like that. But I'm gonna be more blunt with her, and if she carries on as she does, I guess I'll distance myself from her a bit.
Yes, because it is not all about her. You have feelings and needs as well!
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