I am not attracted to my partner and never have been, advice wanted Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I know I am a horrible person, and I wish I didn’t feel this way.
I came out of a pretty bad ‘somewhat relationship fling’ and he was there. Part of me feels as if I attached myself to him because he was what I needed and he was everything my ‘ex’ wasn’t.
He is caring, kind, funny, career focused and he loves me dearly. I was broken when I met him and he has healed me in many ways and restored my faith in love and relationships.
He wants to marry me, he is obsessed with loving me, he treats me like a queen and he can also give me everything I’ve wanted- children marriage and a beautiful home. We are actively saving for a home deposit now.
My parents love him and I love his family so much. Though I feel as if I settled for safe.
I have never experienced fireworks or butterflies. I have never jumped at the thought of sex and sometimes I go out of my way to avoid having sex. I knew these feelings existed at the start, but the way he treated me kept me with him.
I could never forgive myself if I hurt him, though my inner self is screaming for me to do something.
I am scared of everything I’ll be throwing away. What if I never find someone as great as he treats me. I wish I knew that this mattered more than physical and sexual attraction. This is both our first and only serious relationship and I always find myself wondering ‘what if’. Any advice would be much appreciated thank you x
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Jamescharlesuwu
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Then.. why did you date them??
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Anonymous #2
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Sounds like he's the one who's settling not you ..... I say end it because realistically will you refrain from cheating on him?
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Anonymous #1
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You guys, I do love him very very much. I fell inlove with his personality and the way he’s different from other men I’ve met.
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Anonymous #2
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In a few years from now,Your finishing at work and your tall handsome coworker comes in to help you,You have an attraction for eachover,and he goes for it-What do you do?
If the answer is cheat then leave him if not then live with it
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YaliaV
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You guys, I do love him very very much. I fell inlove with his personality and the way he’s different from other men I’ve met.
You love the way he treats you, but it doesn’t seem like you love him romantically. You just went along with it because you were feeling low and the attention made you feel good after your last relationship ended. You have basically used him to make yourself feel better and you know what you have to do. Don’t let it continue.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You guys, I do love him very very much. I fell inlove with his personality and the way he’s different from other men I’ve met.
Love is great but it's not enough. You need compatibility in a few key areas for a happy marriage.

One of those areas is sexual compatibility. The 2 of you are incompatible in this area.

There is no way on Earth that you should marry someone with whom you are sexually incompatible.

And if he really was as kind and considerate as you say he is, he'd know by now that the 2 of you are sexually incompatible and he would be telling you that there's no way on Earth that the 2 of you should get married.
But instead he's pushing the marriage - which is selfish of him. He's just feeding his obsession with you. He's not looking out for your best interests and what's best for you. He's not looking at the bigger picture outside of his own desires and aspirations.

If I were with someone who was not sexually compatible with me, I'd know within a few weeks. And then I'd tell her that we should not stay together because she deserves to be with someone with whom she would be sexually compatible.

Sometimes you have to be brutally honest for the long term good.

There may well be a huge amount of short term hurt for you and him when you split up. But in the medium to long term you will look back on it and realise that it was the best decision you ever made.
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Welshvisitor
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You ‘love his family so much’ but you’ve not said this about him. It’s all there and it’s going to be hard to do ...you’re looking to us for validation of your wish to leave him. Can’t see how you can keep this going any more. It’s bad for him and it’s bad for you. It’s over.
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Anonymous #3
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Wow.... this is a very difficult situation. You'd be surprised how many others have also had to make the same decision.

So....I encourage you to look at it a bit differently. What do you want for longevity in you life and a marriage? Stability, a family, a nice home, security? Those are not bad things to seek. You will find that very rarely life gives us everything thing we want including the packaging we want it in.

Did you know that most (not all) arranged marriages are successful because the families are seeking compatibility based on much more than sexual interactions. One can fall deeply in love with someone they are not sexually attracted to, initially, because that person does, in fact, fit perfectly in so many other areas important in a marriage. Not advocating for arranged marriages but just pointing out those people come to love each other for the people that they are and not the immediate sexual attraction.

Also, ALL relationships evolve. Every. one. of. them. You may meet the most handsome man you've ever seen and the chemistry is immediate and passionate but if you think two years into a relationship that they same passion crazy, heart-pounding chemistry will still be there you are very much mistaken. Relationships evolve and you grown into them (or out of them).

I went to a wedding recently and the minister was spot on...... he said 'Today is as good as it is going to get. It's not down-hill for from here on out but your relationship will change and it won't always be rosy and romantic.' Then he said the best advice of all, 'Successful relationships are about choice. I choose you today because I have chosen you to be my partner. I choose you because I respect you. I choose you because we laugh and you make me feel good. I choose you because you know me and uplift me". He said being in a successful marriage (relationship) isn't about the chemistry that will fade over time but it is about the choice to be with the person who you love and you have chosen to build a life with....and all that comes along in life..... which supersedes the sexual aspect in the long run.

Sex and chemistry is important. Sometimes you can grow and discover passion and sexual chemistry you didn't know was there before (sometimes it doesn't happen). You have to decide what you want in the long term. The hope and expectation of a relationship that will be brimming with romance and chemistry or the guy who has proven his love for you over and over again. I'm not trying to steer, honestly, but will you find the guy who you have amazing chemistry with who is also faithful, respectful, funny etc.

If not having great sexual chemistry is a deal breaker for you and that is okay, for some people it is a deal breaker, then you need to let this guy go but don't expect he will still be available to you later on. Someone else will want an honorable, honest, hardworking guy.
You are not wrong just think about all possibilities before you break it off. But, if you can never come around to loving him deeply and being happy, satisfied and, yes, proud, that he is your spouse then let him go. You don't want to be upset because you don't want to be walking down that aisle but you find yourself doing that solely out of obligation.
We can't tell you what to do...... this is a decision only you can make.
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SMEGGGY
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Is the grass greener on the other side? Try to make it work.
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HiViz9
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If you want sex? OK. If you want security through being part of a relationship with family support and a house etc then most people would give their right arm for that. Let's say you leave and meet a hunk of a guy and sex is brilliant - if he turns out to be of a shallow character, tricky, selfish, no ambition etc.. you can enjoy the sex and have butterflies in your stomach but accept that that could be it. This is the test: if you wake up and see his face and you feel revolted and sad... you should leave him. If you feel good and safe and happy (no person is always happy) you should stay with him.
You should also be assertive... people who can not say NO and who are always agreeable do not succeed. You should say NO to things you don't want and have not discussed in depth. For example: Don't let him by a house if you don't want to unless it is discussed. Don't have children to please him. In other words, you should be your own person despite being in a relationship. I don't mean argue and disagree for the sake of it. I am saying that you should have the strength to assert yourself as a person. This will change him to be more involved.
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hajerox123
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Love is great but it's not enough. You need compatibility in a few key areas for a happy marriage.

One of those areas is sexual compatibility. The 2 of you are incompatible in this area.

There is no way on Earth that you should marry someone with whom you are sexually incompatible.

And if he really was as kind and considerate as you say he is, he'd know by now that the 2 of you are sexually incompatible and he would be telling you that there's no way on Earth that the 2 of you should get married.
But instead he's pushing the marriage - which is selfish of him. He's just feeding his obsession with you. He's not looking out for your best interests and what's best for you. He's not looking at the bigger picture outside of his own desires and aspirations.

If I were with someone who was not sexually compatible with me, I'd know within a few weeks. And then I'd tell her that we should not stay together because she deserves to be with someone with whom she would be sexually compatible.

Sometimes you have to be brutally honest for the long term good.

There may well be a huge amount of short term hurt for you and him when you split up. But in the medium to long term you will look back on it and realise that it was the best decision you ever made.
how are u awake at 4 in the morning
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MdE77
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Wow.... this is a very difficult situation. You'd be surprised how many others have also had to make the same decision.

So....I encourage you to look at it a bit differently. What do you want for longevity in you life and a marriage? Stability, a family, a nice home, security? Those are not bad things to seek. You will find that very rarely life gives us everything thing we want including the packaging we want it in.

Did you know that most (not all) arranged marriages are successful because the families are seeking compatibility based on much more than sexual interactions. One can fall deeply in love with someone they are not sexually attracted to, initially, because that person does, in fact, fit perfectly in so many other areas important in a marriage. Not advocating for arranged marriages but just pointing out those people come to love each other for the people that they are and not the immediate sexual attraction.

Also, ALL relationships evolve. Every. one. of. them. You may meet the most handsome man you've ever seen and the chemistry is immediate and passionate but if you think two years into a relationship that they same passion crazy, heart-pounding chemistry will still be there you are very much mistaken. Relationships evolve and you grown into them (or out of them).

I went to a wedding recently and the minister was spot on...... he said 'Today is as good as it is going to get. It's not down-hill for from here on out but your relationship will change and it won't always be rosy and romantic.' Then he said the best advice of all, 'Successful relationships are about choice. I choose you today because I have chosen you to be my partner. I choose you because I respect you. I choose you because we laugh and you make me feel good. I choose you because you know me and uplift me". He said being in a successful marriage (relationship) isn't about the chemistry that will fade over time but it is about the choice to be with the person who you love and you have chosen to build a life with....and all that comes along in life..... which supersedes the sexual aspect in the long run.

Sex and chemistry is important. Sometimes you can grow and discover passion and sexual chemistry you didn't know was there before (sometimes it doesn't happen). You have to decide what you want in the long term. The hope and expectation of a relationship that will be brimming with romance and chemistry or the guy who has proven his love for you over and over again. I'm not trying to steer, honestly, but will you find the guy who you have amazing chemistry with who is also faithful, respectful, funny etc.

If not having great sexual chemistry is a deal breaker for you and that is okay, for some people it is a deal breaker, then you need to let this guy go but don't expect he will still be available to you later on. Someone else will want an honorable, honest, hardworking guy.
You are not wrong just think about all possibilities before you break it off. But, if you can never come around to loving him deeply and being happy, satisfied and, yes, proud, that he is your spouse then let him go. You don't want to be upset because you don't want to be walking down that aisle but you find yourself doing that solely out of obligation.
We can't tell you what to do...... this is a decision only you can make.
This is amazing advice! :five:
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Jaunty
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know I am a horrible person, and I wish I didn’t feel this way.
I came out of a pretty bad ‘somewhat relationship fling’ and he was there. Part of me feels as if I attached myself to him because he was what I needed and he was everything my ‘ex’ wasn’t.
He is caring, kind, funny, career focused and he loves me dearly. I was broken when I met him and he has healed me in many ways and restored my faith in love and relationships.
He wants to marry me, he is obsessed with loving me, he treats me like a queen and he can also give me everything I’ve wanted- children marriage and a beautiful home. We are actively saving for a home deposit now.
My parents love him and I love his family so much. Though I feel as if I settled for safe.
I have never experienced fireworks or butterflies. I have never jumped at the thought of sex and sometimes I go out of my way to avoid having sex. I knew these feelings existed at the start, but the way he treated me kept me with him.
I could never forgive myself if I hurt him, though my inner self is screaming for me to do something.
I am scared of everything I’ll be throwing away. What if I never find someone as great as he treats me. I wish I knew that this mattered more than physical and sexual attraction. This is both our first and only serious relationship and I always find myself wondering ‘what if’. Any advice would be much appreciated thank you x
from what i have seen and heard, sexual attraction is overrated in the long run and would fizzle out anyway
the things you love about him are the most important things, you can work on the others or find ways to make it exciting in return for him being so wonderful to you and for being the type of man you can marry and rely on to build a future and a family with
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Anonymous #4
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You say you love him for his personality... you can still make it work. Falling in love with him for who he is as opposed to what he looks like should naturally make him more attractive. Plus, looks are not the be-all and end-all. And yes, I reckon you would be hard pressed to find another guy, in this day and age, with so many amazing qualities who truly adores you.

However, not breaking up with him because you're concerned you won't find another like him is selfish. If you really can't see a future with him then let him go and allow him to build a future with someone else rather than wasting his time. Perhaps you should write a list of pros and cons of being with him - this may help to put things in to perspective. If you love him too much to hurt him/ let him go then stay put, but if you're thinking about what else is out there then break up with him.

Also, love is not always butterflies and feeling jittery and unable to speak etc. Love is meant to be calm... it makes you feel safe, and comfortable in silence. Before my current boyfriend, I had dated multiple guys... I had SO many first dates filled with amazing chemistry, sparks, which eventually dwindled down. Most of these guys were extremely charming and handsome. Now my current boyfriend is not my usual type, but I have a different 'safe' feeling with him which sounds like what you have described. I have always just felt extremely comfortable in his presence and my attraction to him has built up over time. Our friends and family openly tell us he is punching above his weight and he tells them he's aware of that... but they're purely basing this on looks as his personality is amazing. The difference beteen him and my previous partners is that i can see a solid future with him where I couldn't before.

It sounds like you have a really good thing. Like someone has said, the grass isn't greener on the other side and you may end up regretting your decision.
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HoldThisL
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Though I feel as if I settled for safe.
i don't think you've settled, i think you're taking advantage of a nice guy
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Pachuco
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know I am a horrible person
(Original post by YaliaV)
You have basically used him to make yourself feel better
Yep.
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HiViz9
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(Original post by MdE77)
This is amazing advice! :five:
Well said. Its good to see proper mature responses on forums instead of flippant nurdy stuff.
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Pachuco
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(Original post by HiViz9)
Well said. Its good to see proper mature responses on forums instead of flippant nurdy stuff.
You don't need walls of text in this case.
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Grizwuld
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(Original post by YaliaV)
You love the way he treats you, but it doesn’t seem like you love him romantically. You just went along with it because you were feeling low and the attention made you feel good after your last relationship ended. You have basically used him to make yourself feel better and you know what you have to do. Don’t let it continue.
Absolutely agree. I wonder how its going to be for him a few years on - maybe he won't be so wonderful then?

Also a guy who has no understanding of the "difficulties" of rebound relationships? Or then perhaps he does!
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