How much effort you should be willing to put into a relationship
An extract from Chapter 2 of The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy.
In that seminar I attended at eighteen, the speaker asked, “What percentage of shared responsibility do you have in making a relationship work?” I was a teenager, so wise in the ways of true love. Of course I had all the answers. “Fifty/fifty!” I blurted out. It was so obvious; both people must be willing to share the responsibility evenly or someone’s getting ripped off. “Fifty-one/forty-nine,” yelled someone else, arguing that you’d have to be willing to do more than the other person. Aren’t relationships built on self-sacrifice and generosity? “Eighty/twenty,” yelled another.
The instructor turned to the easel and wrote 100/0 on the paper in big black letters. “You have to be willing to give 100 percent with zero expectation of receiving anything in return,” he said. “Only when you’re willing to take 100 percent responsibility for making the relationship work will it work. Otherwise, a relationship left to chance will always be vulnerable to disaster.”
Whoa. This wasn’t what I was expecting! But I quickly understood how this concept could transform every area of my life. If I always took 100 percent responsibility for everything I experienced—completely owning all of my choices and all the ways I responded to whatever happened to me—I held the power. Everything was up to me. I was responsible for everything I did, didn’t do, or how I responded to what was done to me.
In that seminar I attended at eighteen, the speaker asked, “What percentage of shared responsibility do you have in making a relationship work?” I was a teenager, so wise in the ways of true love. Of course I had all the answers. “Fifty/fifty!” I blurted out. It was so obvious; both people must be willing to share the responsibility evenly or someone’s getting ripped off. “Fifty-one/forty-nine,” yelled someone else, arguing that you’d have to be willing to do more than the other person. Aren’t relationships built on self-sacrifice and generosity? “Eighty/twenty,” yelled another.
The instructor turned to the easel and wrote 100/0 on the paper in big black letters. “You have to be willing to give 100 percent with zero expectation of receiving anything in return,” he said. “Only when you’re willing to take 100 percent responsibility for making the relationship work will it work. Otherwise, a relationship left to chance will always be vulnerable to disaster.”
Whoa. This wasn’t what I was expecting! But I quickly understood how this concept could transform every area of my life. If I always took 100 percent responsibility for everything I experienced—completely owning all of my choices and all the ways I responded to whatever happened to me—I held the power. Everything was up to me. I was responsible for everything I did, didn’t do, or how I responded to what was done to me.
That actually makes a lot of sense, if more people in relationships took that advice I think it would stop a lot of breakups over trivial matters
To me the key has always seemed to be EQUAL effort. As long as you're both on the same key and have the same approach to the relationship its going to be a good one.
If the pressure is always on one person to keep Thigns together though you're going to have a bad time because there's always that foundation of inequality.
Who does what, how, when etc can all vary depending on the relationship. You can have couples who get on really well eventhough one of them is always doing the housework because the other might be organising the taxes and shopping and booking appointments. Or maybe they just put the same amount of respect and effort into being supportive and caring.
You can have people who stay friends for a really long time even though they don't often see eachother or even talk much because there's always an equal idea of what things are and an understanding of eachother so when they do meet they can get on really well.
I can see the point they are trying to make with being willing to do anything and expect nothing, but I think it's easy for that to twist into an abusive or neglectful relationship. You shouldn't expect reciprocation for everything. Sometimes one person will be doing more. You might have a week where your partner is ill and you are doing so much for them while they just lay there whining. You should be willing to do that without expecting them to make you breakfast in bed and take you out to dinner as soon as they are well to even out the points. What you should be able to expect though is that they would do the same for you. That they would also be willing to put themselves out there for you without expecting you to do anything in return.
If only one of you is approaching the relationship with that level of selflesnessness and unconditional love then they are going to get walked all over and neglected even if not deliberately.
If you feel like you are in a relationship where you aren't just willing to give 100/0, but actually are getting that then you need to take a long hard think about if it is right for you. You deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as you are lovingn and caring for somebody else. You shouldn't feel like you're giving out your all and getting nothing back. If that's the case you're eventually going to squeeze yourself dry.
If the pressure is always on one person to keep Thigns together though you're going to have a bad time because there's always that foundation of inequality.
Who does what, how, when etc can all vary depending on the relationship. You can have couples who get on really well eventhough one of them is always doing the housework because the other might be organising the taxes and shopping and booking appointments. Or maybe they just put the same amount of respect and effort into being supportive and caring.
You can have people who stay friends for a really long time even though they don't often see eachother or even talk much because there's always an equal idea of what things are and an understanding of eachother so when they do meet they can get on really well.
I can see the point they are trying to make with being willing to do anything and expect nothing, but I think it's easy for that to twist into an abusive or neglectful relationship. You shouldn't expect reciprocation for everything. Sometimes one person will be doing more. You might have a week where your partner is ill and you are doing so much for them while they just lay there whining. You should be willing to do that without expecting them to make you breakfast in bed and take you out to dinner as soon as they are well to even out the points. What you should be able to expect though is that they would do the same for you. That they would also be willing to put themselves out there for you without expecting you to do anything in return.
If only one of you is approaching the relationship with that level of selflesnessness and unconditional love then they are going to get walked all over and neglected even if not deliberately.
If you feel like you are in a relationship where you aren't just willing to give 100/0, but actually are getting that then you need to take a long hard think about if it is right for you. You deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as you are lovingn and caring for somebody else. You shouldn't feel like you're giving out your all and getting nothing back. If that's the case you're eventually going to squeeze yourself dry.
Original post by Kindred
To me the key has always seemed to be EQUAL effort. As long as you're both on the same key and have the same approach to the relationship its going to be a good one.
If the pressure is always on one person to keep Thigns together though you're going to have a bad time because there's always that foundation of inequality.
Who does what, how, when etc can all vary depending on the relationship. You can have couples who get on really well eventhough one of them is always doing the housework because the other might be organising the taxes and shopping and booking appointments. Or maybe they just put the same amount of respect and effort into being supportive and caring.
You can have people who stay friends for a really long time even though they don't often see eachother or even talk much because there's always an equal idea of what things are and an understanding of eachother so when they do meet they can get on really well.
I can see the point they are trying to make with being willing to do anything and expect nothing, but I think it's easy for that to twist into an abusive or neglectful relationship. You shouldn't expect reciprocation for everything. Sometimes one person will be doing more. You might have a week where your partner is ill and you are doing so much for them while they just lay there whining. You should be willing to do that without expecting them to make you breakfast in bed and take you out to dinner as soon as they are well to even out the points. What you should be able to expect though is that they would do the same for you. That they would also be willing to put themselves out there for you without expecting you to do anything in return.
If only one of you is approaching the relationship with that level of selflesnessness and unconditional love then they are going to get walked all over and neglected even if not deliberately.
If you feel like you are in a relationship where you aren't just willing to give 100/0, but actually are getting that then you need to take a long hard think about if it is right for you. You deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as you are lovingn and caring for somebody else. You shouldn't feel like you're giving out your all and getting nothing back. If that's the case you're eventually going to squeeze yourself dry.
If the pressure is always on one person to keep Thigns together though you're going to have a bad time because there's always that foundation of inequality.
Who does what, how, when etc can all vary depending on the relationship. You can have couples who get on really well eventhough one of them is always doing the housework because the other might be organising the taxes and shopping and booking appointments. Or maybe they just put the same amount of respect and effort into being supportive and caring.
You can have people who stay friends for a really long time even though they don't often see eachother or even talk much because there's always an equal idea of what things are and an understanding of eachother so when they do meet they can get on really well.
I can see the point they are trying to make with being willing to do anything and expect nothing, but I think it's easy for that to twist into an abusive or neglectful relationship. You shouldn't expect reciprocation for everything. Sometimes one person will be doing more. You might have a week where your partner is ill and you are doing so much for them while they just lay there whining. You should be willing to do that without expecting them to make you breakfast in bed and take you out to dinner as soon as they are well to even out the points. What you should be able to expect though is that they would do the same for you. That they would also be willing to put themselves out there for you without expecting you to do anything in return.
If only one of you is approaching the relationship with that level of selflesnessness and unconditional love then they are going to get walked all over and neglected even if not deliberately.
If you feel like you are in a relationship where you aren't just willing to give 100/0, but actually are getting that then you need to take a long hard think about if it is right for you. You deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as you are lovingn and caring for somebody else. You shouldn't feel like you're giving out your all and getting nothing back. If that's the case you're eventually going to squeeze yourself dry.
Sounds like you just don't want to give and add value to another persons life whilst expecting nothing in return.
Original post by DeseanDwyer
Sounds like you just don't want to give and add value to another persons life whilst expecting nothing in return.
More that I wouldn't want anybody to selflessly give all their energy to another person and it not be appreciated. Relationships shouldn't be one sided.
Being willing to give your all with nothing in return is one thing. Having to is something entirely different.
Original post by Kindred
More that I wouldn't want anybody to selflessly give all their energy to another person and it not be appreciated. Relationships shouldn't be one sided.
Being willing to give your all with nothing in return is one thing. Having to is something entirely different.
Being willing to give your all with nothing in return is one thing. Having to is something entirely different.
If you feel they don't appreciate it why would you stay with them?
Original post by DeseanDwyer
If you feel they don't appreciate it why would you stay with them?
Exactly my point. You should be willing to give your all to a relationship, but if you don't feel you are being appreciated or that your partner is willing to also put effort in then you shouldn't feel like you have to stick around.
I think it's all too easy to mistake not expecting something in return with never getting anything. It's common sense to a lot of people, but not always. Sometimes people can get caught up trying to good to their partner and forget to be good to themselves.
That's what I'm getting at.
Nobody enters a relationship without expecting something in return. It's human nature. The lecturer in the OP speaking bs.
Although I understand the point, I must add to it so it fits my principles better. I agree when he says you must give your 100%, correct I won't deny that, but in my warped view of the world this 100% of your effort only amounts to 50% of the total relationship, the other person must also be putting in 100% of their own effort to complete the relationship.
In my own opinion, emotional relationships are built around respect, admiration and mutual search, both parties must actively look for, and after each other. I don't agree with the part "..don't expect anything in return..." at the very least; no, you should always expect respect, it doesn't matter if they won't give you affection or won't admire you, respect cannot be negotiated.
In my own opinion, emotional relationships are built around respect, admiration and mutual search, both parties must actively look for, and after each other. I don't agree with the part "..don't expect anything in return..." at the very least; no, you should always expect respect, it doesn't matter if they won't give you affection or won't admire you, respect cannot be negotiated.
Original post by Guru Jason
Nobody enters a relationship without expecting something in return. It's human nature. The lecturer in the OP speaking bs.
You're not entitled to anything at all from anyone.
Original post by DeseanDwyer
You're not entitled to anything at all from anyone.
I agree 100% with that but it still doesn't change the fact that humans are selfish creatures who want thing from relationships. If the willingness split is 100/0 then that's not a relationship as one person isn't in it. What you essentially have is a crush on someone.
So I like this guy from my lecture last year at uni we chatted and flirted a bit and danced together in the club one night, then this year he started messaging me, its been on and off every few days for 2 weeks now but he's pretty bad at texting. Anyways last week after clubbing i ended up going back to his and stayed in his bed nothing happened just kissing and cuddling.
I don't know if he's interested because we only talk online every few days and he doesn't approach me in lectures to talk.
I don't want to message him first though, but i don't know help ?
I don't know if he's interested because we only talk online every few days and he doesn't approach me in lectures to talk.
I don't want to message him first though, but i don't know help ?
Original post by Anonymous
So I like this guy from my lecture last year at uni we chatted and flirted a bit and danced together in the club one night, then this year he started messaging me, its been on and off every few days for 2 weeks now but he's pretty bad at texting. Anyways last week after clubbing i ended up going back to his and stayed in his bed nothing happened just kissing and cuddling.
I don't know if he's interested because we only talk online every few days and he doesn't approach me in lectures to talk.
I don't want to message him first though, but i don't know help ?
I don't know if he's interested because we only talk online every few days and he doesn't approach me in lectures to talk.
I don't want to message him first though, but i don't know help ?
Wrong thread love.
Message him first or wait for him to are your only options.
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