I am doing an RS essay about if it is always wrong to be selfish. Watch

oliviabarnett24
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Please can you give it a mark /12 and any ways I could improve the essay and what is good about it.


Is it always wrong to be selfish?

In a religous belief, some people believe that it is entirely wrong to always be selfish and carry out selfish acts. The Bible teaches us to “love our neighbour as yourself.” This quote tells us to treat people like you would like to be treated and not focus all attention on yourself. Religion also tell us to be kind to people and spread your awareness on everyone including yourself. Our religion opposes selfishness and teaches us the correct way to live and behave avoiding being selfish.
In life, the world revolves around other people caring for one another. This is the exact opposite of selfishness. War, conflict, injustice and corruption are all causes of countries, people and communities being selfish to one another, caring about themselves and only themselves. Society today will never effectively work with people’s attention and focus only on themselves. Working together and supporting charities to benefit others will make not only the world a better place but you a better person within today’s cruel and somewhat selfish society.
However, in dangerous situations, an important law teaches us to protect and care for your own life over anyone else’s. Caring for your own mental, social and physical health will benefit your own wellbeing and your personality to others. A positive build for your own self-growth and awareness will contribute to how you will come across in everyday lifestyles.
In a non-religious perspective, looking after yourself before others will guide you to become a stronger and more reliable person. Life can’t depend on everyone only helping each other as who would be there is everyone else wasn’t. Examples of countries like Somalia or Cuba should be looking after their own people and infrastructure instead of making sure other less corrupt countries are doing well. Selfishness comes at an expensive cost. In serious circumstances, people must put themselves or loved ones before anyone else as that is the way life has taught us to be.
In conclusion, I believe that in small doses, you should be selfish if it comes down to either life or death or if it is to put you own health and safety first. In some cases, it isn’t nice to be selfish and can hurt others around you. It can lead to war and corruption if handled inappropriately but it’s important to use it to benefit your own and others wellbeing.
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Reena Bansi
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I did GCSE RS AQA A last year and came out with an 8 (missed 9 by two marks) although I was consistently hitting 9s through year 11.

In my 12-markers, I would outline my viewpoint simply with 'I agree/disagree with this statement' as the first sentence which I would elaborate on later.
At the end of each paragraph I would do a mini evaluation about why I agree/disagree with this particular viewpoint. This is what I think made me different and got me high marks.
Also, I would start my conclusion with the word 'despite', so that I can acknowledge the opposing viewpoint and then go on to explain my own.
In terms of the actual content of your answer, I'd say include another religious belief and quote e.g. Islam - 'He is not a believer whose stomach is filled while the neighbor to his side goes hungry'. I usually used 2 religious beliefs, and one non-religous.
Structure is key - once you've got the hang of how you're going to structure your answers, then it's a breeze.

I would give your answer a 8.5/12 - the content is good, but I think you could improve the structure. Nonetheless, it's a solid response - well done!
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oliviabarnett24
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(Original post by Reena Bansi)
I did GCSE RS AQA A last year and came out with an 8 (missed 9 by two marks) although I was consistently hitting 9s through year 11.

In my 12-markers, I would outline my viewpoint simply with 'I agree/disagree with this statement' as the first sentence which I would elaborate on later.
At the end of each paragraph I would do a mini evaluation about why I agree/disagree with this particular viewpoint. This is what I think made me different and got me high marks.
Also, I would start my conclusion with the word 'despite', so that I can acknowledge the opposing viewpoint and then go on to explain my own.
In terms of the actual content of your answer, I'd say include another religious belief and quote e.g. Islam - 'He is not a believer whose stomach is filled while the neighbor to his side goes hungry'. I usually used 2 religious beliefs, and one non-religous.
Structure is key - once you've got the hang of how you're going to structure your answers, then it's a breeze.

I would give your answer a 8.5/12 - the content is good, but I think you could improve the structure. Nonetheless, it's a solid response - well done!
Thank you so much

How about this for my first paragraph?

I agree with this statement to a certain extent. Within a religious belief, some people believe that it is entirely wrong to always be selfish and carry out selfish acts. The Bible teaches us to “love our neighbour as yourself.” This quote tells us to treat people how you would like to be treated - not to focus all attention on yourself. Religion also tell us to be kind to people and spread your awareness on everyone including yourself. Our religion opposes selfishness and teaches us the correct way to live and behave avoiding being selfish. In other religions such as Islam, they are taught 'He is not a believer whose stomach is filled while the neighbour to his side goes hungry.’ I agree with the fact that it is always wrong to be selfish, no matter the circumstance, because we are required to love each other equally which is taught to us from the Bible.
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QE2
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(Original post by oliviabarnett24)
Please can you give it a mark /12 and any ways I could improve the essay and what is good about it.

Is it always wrong to be selfish?
Most religious belief is essentially selfish, particularly the Abrahamic religions. Almost every religiously mandated "good deed" is done in order to gain reward (heaven) or avoid punishment (hell) for the self. By contrast, similar good deeds done by atheists can only be done for their own sake. There is no reward or punishment involved to act as motivation.
Innate human nature is a combination of self-interest and empathy/altruism. These are evolved traits that best serve the development and continuation of coherent societies. If everyone was entirely selfish, or entirely altruistic, early social groups would not have survived long enough to become established.
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Reena Bansi
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(Original post by oliviabarnett24)
Thank you so much

How about this for my first paragraph?

I agree with this statement to a certain extent. Within a religious belief, some people believe that it is entirely wrong to always be selfish and carry out selfish acts. The Bible teaches us to “love our neighbour as yourself.” This quote tells us to treat people how you would like to be treated - not to focus all attention on yourself. Religion also tell us to be kind to people and spread your awareness on everyone including yourself. Our religion opposes selfishness and teaches us the correct way to live and behave avoiding being selfish. In other religions such as Islam, they are taught 'He is not a believer whose stomach is filled while the neighbour to his side goes hungry.’ I agree with the fact that it is always wrong to be selfish, no matter the circumstance, because we are required to love each other equally which is taught to us from the Bible.
Very sorry for the late reply!

At the beginning when you outline your viewpoint, it should be direct - ‘I agree with this statement’. It should show your overall viewpoint on the statement, that matches what you argue in your conclusion, rather than ‘to some extent’.

I would recommend sticking to 1 religion per paragraph - P1 = Christianity, P2 = Islam etc.

Rather than saying ‘within a religious belief’, specify which religion you’re referring to - ‘Some Christians believe...’

I’d say avoid personal pronouns where possible e.g. ‘The Bible teaches US’ and ‘OUR religion’ - keep your evaluation of the statement from an outside perspective by putting: ‘The Bible teaches Christians to “love thy neighbour”’ instead etc. The personal language is more for the conclusion/mini evaluations etc.

I started each paragraph with ‘Some Christians/Muslims/Jews agree/disagree with this statement because...’ This made it clear to which religion I was referring to and their overall view on the statement.

The evaluation at the end of the paragraph is great! Keep that up for the end of every paragraph!

There’s definitely an improvement from the first draft. The content is very good. I hope this has helped a little bit to really neaten it all up!
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Greywolftwo
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(Original post by Reena Bansi)
I did GCSE RS AQA A last year and came out with an 8 (missed 9 by two marks) although I was consistently hitting 9s through year 11.

In my 12-markers, I would outline my viewpoint simply with 'I agree/disagree with this statement' as the first sentence which I would elaborate on later.
At the end of each paragraph I would do a mini evaluation about why I agree/disagree with this particular viewpoint. This is what I think made me different and got me high marks.
Also, I would start my conclusion with the word 'despite', so that I can acknowledge the opposing viewpoint and then go on to explain my own.
In terms of the actual content of your answer, I'd say include another religious belief and quote e.g. Islam - 'He is not a believer whose stomach is filled while the neighbor to his side goes hungry'. I usually used 2 religious beliefs, and one non-religous.
Structure is key - once you've got the hang of how you're going to structure your answers, then it's a breeze.

I would give your answer a 8.5/12 - the content is good, but I think you could improve the structure. Nonetheless, it's a solid response - well done!
I was 2 marks off a 9 then got it remarked and got a 9 last year, don’t know how because the last test I did I got a 4
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