don't feel "okay" rn. dont really know if it's temporary.
i moved to another city something like six years ago, so i didn't have any family here other than my mom, dad, two brothers and a sis. i'm the oldest. when we moved here i started to feel so alone at home and at school too.at school was better because at least i had friends. I've always felt so misunderstood. specially around other girls. it was good from fifth to seventh grade, but by eighth grade i just felt .. weird i don't know if i can call it depression or not because some people have had worse and i don't want to make them feel like i'm using the term "depressed" in a wrong way or something. i'll just say i was veRY sad. i never got enough sleep, i used to sleep with puffy eyes, woke up with puffy eyes, i used to fell asleep in the class, was totaLLy dissociated from the world, i lost track of my surroundings, i was literally living like a ghost. i'd become so insecure, i'd lost all of my confidence, which i had a lot before, i couldn't look people in the eyes, i started hallucinating when i got too much attention, sometimes even to the verge of crying,and i didn't like anything at all. more than one time i even cut my wrist but now i'm pretty sure it was because of my anger management issues, because the first time i did it,, was after my mom did something. Till here, i somewhat blame my parents. i usually don't like blaming others for the things that happen to me,because i feel like i'm responsible for my own feelings. But here i'll call it an honest blame. again, i'm not sure if my parents treat me THAT badly or i was just being too sensitive and too drowned in self-pity. i really don't know. my parents are really strict and they say hurtful things, and they keep repeating them again and again. my dad thinks i'm very proud and arrogant because I've always been a genius, even though i don't even agree with anyone that says they think i'm smart or whatever. my mom keeps making assumptions about what me and my brother thinks about her and that we do stuff to take revenge from them, even though i have no intentions to. she also assumes me and my brother <a year younger> hates her and i wont lie. she's half-right about me. i don't really hate her, but i don't love her anymore. i used to love her a lot before, when i was younger, but i thought she didn't love me that much and that it was a one-sided relationship so i gave up trying for her. back to the story, i was really really sad back then and i sensed some people were noticing but i was never sure. my grades were becoming really very bad since i couldn't stay focused or attentive in class. i used to get good grades before, but my teachers and parents always always always said i could do better if i wouldn't be so careless and would do my hw on time or study thoroughly at home. so my grades were becoming bad, and it was not good thing because the only thing my mom was proud of were my grades. so i lost that too. when i was sad, i used to pray a lot to God. i never really lost hope and always remained optimistic so i never considered suicide<also because i was scared of God, i'm Muslim>. i used to have suicidal thought though but i ignored them. i was just 12 or 13 at this time, and i was isolated. in december 2017, i went on umrah and -not to sound like i'm bragging, just wanna state a fact- i was always a good person who always had good intentions and a need to improve myself all the time, and i'm proud of it. so God gave me what i asked for. as soon as i returned from umrah, all my prayers started becoming true. i remember the day i truly felt happiness for the very first time since after id hit puberty. it got better and better, and 2018 became the best year of my life. i met my best friend before i went on umrah, and i think i had started feeling better since i met her because i felt like she always understood tings i said or even my jokes, she knew about things i knew about and we both never judged each other and listened carefully so we became close. i truly felt "alive", whatever that means. i started being responsible for my own life and i got better and better. i even improved my grades to some extent. because of what i've felt before, and also being the person that i am, i don't get affected, negatively, by anything anymore.but these days, i'm so scared. i feel like id be sad again and i'll start getting bad grades again, because my parents haven't been so understanding, as always. since i uh "recovered", i started being a better person, i became aware, i wasn't exactly dissociated anymore, i understood my mom better now, i realized i was wrong about her not loving me, because she was going through her own s*it <also, i never really knew i was "sad" until i got recovered> so i started being better towards her. she let me use my ipad for some time. but then , she took it again from me. she's SO controlling and distrustful. i'm pretty sure she knew about all of this but pretends she doesn't. when i was sad, i overheard my dad saying to my mom, something like "the way she's behaving, i guarantee you, she's gone total cray cray, or will become a mental case soon" i hated him after that. i'm pretty sure he knows too, because one time he was crying and asked me for forgiveness <of God knows what>, which i've never stopped feeling guilty about. it just idk. idk how to say all the other hurtful things they've said to me. i've probably even forgotten some of them because i never cared. even though my rs w her become so better since the past few years, she still wont trust me or stop being unfair. she knows i've tried SO hard, and she told me she's happy about it, but she still wont stop being so demanding and angry and controlling. i'm nearly 16 and i'm still not allowed to go anywhere or have my ipad back. not eVEn my own ipad. she still says hurtful things but i don't take them seriously now. bur when she's being so imposing i think about running away because i cant ignore the fact that she has and never will understand me. i tried so many times to make her. i don't even try with my dad because i just can't stand him anymore. i've tried getting rid of these grudges or whatever but i seriously can't. i'm fed up. i cant try being better anymore bec nothing is eVER enough. and i never get what i want, i just keep giving and giving and they mistake it for me having bad intentions, like taking revenge from them. which makes me sure they know what they did. i'm still getting bad at school. i don't like doing anything now. now that i've vented, i feel like it doesn't look that bad and i wish i feel the same but i've skipped some shi* here. i don't like talking about it over and over again so i didn't mention a loT of things. i didn't even want to type this out bec i don't see any point. i never feel like talking about my feelings with anyone bec i think no one gets them. irdk what i want or should do or if i'm just making everything look bad myself or if anything is actually really bad or i'm just a disrespectful, ungrateful, rebellious child. i also dont understand why im so reserved and angry all the time, and the only thing that makes me understand is mbti. if it's really accurate. idk im blabbing, literally.
what the f*CK who is eveN gonna read this
