I recently got into a relationship and also found out my bestfriend likes me! Watch

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#21
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#21
(Original post by Paul1990s)
Wow this is like the relationships equivalent of 1st-world problems
(Original post by ONElexi)
So let me start from the beginning: (THIS IS SO LONG SORRY)
Me(f/18) and my bestfriend (m/18) have been close for 3 years now. We have always had a very flirty relationship which includes alot of sexual jokes and just flirtatious comments. This was normal for us and I never thought he would ever like me in that way! He had a girlfriend for 6 months that broke up with him in June (She would hate mine and his relationship).
I met my current boyfriend through friends (started talking to him in July) and my bestfriend also knows my bf. Me and him would also talk and I knew he liked me because my friends would tell me (at that time I didn't know how I felt.)
Me and my bestfriend continued normally so constant flirting basically. Then in August, we go out (only us 2 but thats also normal). We go out to eat and then an arcade. Then on the way home...we kiss. I didn't expect it at all but also didn't think of it much. Then everytime I would see him, he would hold my hand or kiss me and stuff. Still during this time I was talking to my current boyfriend (he wasn't my boyfriend back then). Me and my bestfriend also hadn't put a label on what we were doing so I just took it as us two having fun and it was a little secret between us two (little did I know he had told all our friends about his feelings for me). My bestfriend would still talk to other girls which hurt because at that point I liked him too (Cant blame him for talking to other girls as I was talking to my now bf)
Beginning of september, my boyfriend asks me out on a date while I was still messing around with my bestfriend. I told my bestfriend about how I got asked out and I thought he seemed happy for me. The day before my date, my bestfriend confessed his feelings for me however he didn't let me say anything back because he wanted me to properly think about it. That day I tried cancelling the date I was meant to go on the next day but my bf told me to give him a chance. And so I did.
I had alot of fun on the date and we kissed however there was a point where my date told me he knew about me and my bestfriend and he asked me how I felt about him and everything. I told him I couldnt answer his questions rn.
Me and my bf kept seeing each other and me and my bestfriend never spoke about his feelings for me and just continued normal.
This whole situation stopped my bf and I from progressing but I knew I liked this boy but always had my bestfriend on my mind as he had stopped talking to me.
At this stage me and my boyfriend made it official.
Then one night my bestfriend called me and told me he cant keep talking to me because his feelings were too strong for us to just be friends. We both just kept crying because I knew how he felt about me but I had started to like another guy. It hurt because I was either gonna lose a guy that I saw alot of potential in or my bestfriend for who I hadn't figured out how I felt about. My bestfriend would try to push me away but then would call me everytime he missed me and it was becoming exhausting for me because one night I would be crying cos I had just lost a best friend and the next I would be soo happy cos I was talking to him again.
Also I should add throughout this, me and my boyfriend kept arguing and fighting because he was mad that I wouldn't tell my bestfriend that I was with him(only reason i didnt was because I didnt want to hurt him) and I would be getting mad cos i thought he just didnt wanna understand my reasons.
It got to a stage where they both wanted me to choose and I couldn't so I started to push both of them away. They didn't let me as they kept blowing my phone up and turned up at my house ("Im not giving up on you" they both told me)
So then I started to talk to them again. Oh forgot to mention that before I pushed them away, I got into another argument with my bf because he had called my bestfriend and told him about us without talking to me first.
Now my bestfriend has isolated himself from everyone and Im worried about him alot. He sometimes calls me at night when he misses me and thats our only form of contact.
My bf doesn't like that and he still gets mad at me for answering my bestfriends call. Hes told me he doesn't ever want me and bestfriend hanging out without him there even when my bestfriend does move on.
I have noticed my bf is quite possessive or protective? He has my passwords to all of my social media accounts and gets annoyed every time I message one of my guy friends and doesn't let me see any of them.
I should also add my bestfriend told me that the reason he didn't make things official with us the first time we kissed was because he moved out for uni so distance will be an issue and he didn't wanna put me in that position.
The situation now is that I really miss talking to my bestfriend and I wish I could talk to him without my bf getting angry. im scared im going to lose my bf so I really don't know what to do. I want them both in my life. It would be nice to hear what everyone thinks about this whole situation and what I should do.
you really have alot on your plate right now. I suggest you take sometime for yourself and make the right choice. Your boyfriend (no offense) seems a bit controlling since he gets mad that you answer your bestfriends phonecalls. In my opinion I would choose my bestfriend over my boyfriend any given day then again thats me. For now take a few days off from both of them and think about this situation.You did also mention you used to have feelings for your bestfriend so why not give him a chance you know? I don't advise you to break up with your bf now and go with your bestfriend but who do you want to keep close the person whos been by your side for so long or the one who is trying to stop you from speaking to your bestfriend? Let that sink in for a bit.
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sinfonietta
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#22
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(Original post by ONElexi)
Idk maybe it’s the way I’m wording things...
He’s a good guy and he’s been through a lot. He does make me happy and I’m scared I’m not gonna find anyone like him again. I feel like I’ve put him through so much aswell
The line I've bolded is the most telling part of your post.

If one person has liked you and wanted to date you (if we include your best friend that's two!) then you are obviously a likeable and attractive girl. You'll most definitely be able to find someone else to date. There are men out there will be able to treat you right, trust you, and respect you. Being possessive and controlling someone is not love. This relationship is already unhealthy and doomed to end badly - the best thing you can do is get yourself out of it before it negatively impacts your mental health and costs you the things you care about.
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ONElexi
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#23
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#23
(Original post by Anonymous)
you really have alot on your plate right now. I suggest you take sometime for yourself and make the right choice. Your boyfriend (no offense) seems a bit controlling since he gets mad that you answer your bestfriends phonecalls. In my opinion I would choose my bestfriend over my boyfriend any given day then again thats me. For now take a few days off from both of them and think about this situation.You did also mention you used to have feelings for your bestfriend so why not give him a chance you know? I don't advise you to break up with your bf now and go with your bestfriend but who do you want to keep close the person whos been by your side for so long or the one who is trying to stop you from speaking to your bestfriend? Let that sink in for a bit.
You’re right, I do need space from all of this and I have tried to get the space I need but it hasn’t worked. The first time I told my boyfriend I needed space he said he doesn’t get why I need time away from him but he told me if that’s what I want then fine. That didn’t work out as he continued to call me as if everything was normal. Then whenever I would talk about it he would tell me that having space won’t do anything and he’ll just end up losing me. That is why I took it into my own hands and isolated myself from both of them. That also didn’t work as I mentioned before they still kept calling me and stuff and I also found out from a friend that my boyfriend was going to get fired because he refused to go into work because of me. I ended up calling him to calm him down and then we continued normally.

I do need space from this as it’s really exhausting but I don’t know how to get it
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ONElexi
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(Original post by sinfonietta)
The line I've bolded is the most telling part of your post.

If one person has liked you and wanted to date you (if we include your best friend that's two!) then you are obviously a likeable and attractive girl. You'll most definitely be able to find someone else to date. There are men out there will be able to treat you right, trust you, and respect you. Being possessive and controlling someone is not love. This relationship is already unhealthy and doomed to end badly - the best thing you can do is get yourself out of it before it negatively impacts your mental health and costs you the things you care about.
Thank you so much for taking time to reply! I have a lot to think about now and I felt so alone in this which is why I posted it on TSR. My girl friends are also friends with my boyfriend and so they usually side with him and I don’t think I can speak to my guy friends as my boyfriend might get mad. So it’s really helpful to get an outsider perspective! Thank you again.
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Welshvisitor
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#25
S*** him. You’ll know.
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xozxexo
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#26
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(Original post by ONElexi)
An update if anyone is interested:
I spoke to my bestfriend last night and he told me the reason he wanted to stop talking to me was because he felt like the second choice. But he also said he wouldn’t mind being in my life even if it’s just as friends. Which obviously made me really happy because we were just acting normal with eachother like nothing had changed.

So I went to tell my boyfriend about it and he got...angry. He told me I should of called him before talking to my bestfriend to ask if I’m allowed. Then he asked if we made any flirty jokes with each other and I told him the truth which was Yh my bestfriend made those jokes with me. And of course he got mad and felt disrespected. He doesn’t want me talking to my bestfriend AT ALL now and wants me to choose one of them.
I don’t think I can do that..
HE TOLD YOU TO CALL HIM TO ASK PERMISSION??! Im speechless. This is so toxic and controlling.
He may have been through a lot but these little behaviours will not make the relationship work long term, even if he does make you happy currently.
There is no excuse for acting this way. I've been with guys who have been through a lot and are just quite 'a bit broken' or were struggling but I have never once let them think the controlling and manipulative behaviour is acceptable, nor have they even tried to act this way. There should be a mutual level of understanding, trust and communication. Seems like its lacking on his part currently. Especially with the trust!

He may be your first boyfriend, but he certainly will not be the last. You will meet so many better people out there who will give you even more than he can offer you.

Please protect your heart. Its not worthy of people who act how he currently is acting.
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ONElexi
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#27
(Original post by Welshvisitor)
S*** him. You’ll know.
??
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by ONElexi)
He told me I should of called him before talking to my bestfriend to ask if I’m allowed.
This is an immediate GTFO with a capital F
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ONElexi
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#29
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#29
(Original post by xozxexo)
Please protect your heart. Its not worthy of people who act how he currently is acting.
This really touched me... I think I need to think long and hard about the decisions I’m making.
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ONElexi
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#30
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This is an immediate GTFO with a capital F
Everyone is saying this but it’s not easy because I’m scared of what he’s gonna do if I leave him
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xozxexo
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(Original post by ONElexi)
I’m scared of what he’s gonna do if I leave him
That's a difficult situation to be in but he can't hold you in a relationship just out of fear. If you seriously want to get out of the relationship, there's many people you can talk to to give you advice on the given situation. If he shows signs of maladaptive behaviour like threatening you with suicidal thoughts or self harming at any possibility of you leaving him it's time to seek help from a trusted adult, preferably one from school/college if you do not want to get your parents involved. His behaviour is quite alarming and i'm worried that'll itll only get worse as time goes on.

Please just keep safe and healthy, this situation can take a toll on your mental health so rapidly x
Last edited by xozxexo; 4 weeks ago
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Anonymous #3
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I’ve just spoken to a girl I would consider a friend who was just as unsure as you are. I finally had to stop talking to her as she resulted in me breaking down.

If you won’t ever feel like that tell him (please, please) as he can make a decision and try to move on. And respect him if he wants to as your day becomes unbearable as you are the only thing that he can think about.

While not being attracted to your friend is fine letting him think he has a chance will crush him when he realises and he will feel completely betrayed.
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Sataris
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Jesus christ dude. Dump your bf and get with your best friend. Not complicated
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ONElexi)
You’re right, I do need space from all of this and I have tried to get the space I need but it hasn’t worked. The first time I told my boyfriend I needed space he said he doesn’t get why I need time away from him but he told me if that’s what I want then fine. That didn’t work out as he continued to call me as if everything was normal. Then whenever I would talk about it he would tell me that having space won’t do anything and he’ll just end up losing me. That is why I took it into my own hands and isolated myself from both of them. That also didn’t work as I mentioned before they still kept calling me and stuff and I also found out from a friend that my boyfriend was going to get fired because he refused to go into work because of me. I ended up calling him to calm him down and then we continued normally.

I do need space from this as it’s really exhausting but I don’t know how to get it
One way to get the space you need would be turn of your phone for a couple hours take time to read a book, write your thoughts in a journal
something for yourself.
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ONElexi
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idk if anyone’s still watching this thread but it’s currently 2:50am and my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t handle the fact I still talk to my bestfriend. He said he doesn’t trust me when it comes to my bestfriend and he’s done with all of this.
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Spongebob'sPants
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(Original post by ONElexi)
idk if anyone’s still watching this thread but it’s currently 2:50am and my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t handle the fact I still talk to my bestfriend. He said he doesn’t trust me when it comes to my bestfriend and he’s done with all of this.
To be perfectly honest, i'm not surprised if you make flirty comments/jokes with your best friend, considering the history you have with him (having gone out and kissed, etc).

I honestly think you need to have a look at how you've managed this situation overall.
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WhiteBlueBell
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(Original post by ONElexi)
idk if anyone’s still watching this thread but it’s currently 2:50am and my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t handle the fact I still talk to my bestfriend. He said he doesn’t trust me when it comes to my bestfriend and he’s done with all of this.
Sounds like he's done you a favour.
Reflect on his controlling behaviour and think twice if he changes his mind and wants you back
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WhiteBlueBell
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Oh and change your passwords
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ONElexi
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#39
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(Original post by Spongebob'sPants)
To be perfectly honest, i'm not surprised if you make flirty comments/jokes with your best friend, considering the history you have with him (having gone out and kissed, etc).

I honestly think you need to have a look at how you've managed this situation overall.
The flirting stopped a while ago but because of our history he doesn’t trust me talking to him. Which is fair enough I guess I understand where he’s coming from even though it hurts that I just lost something good.
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ONElexi
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#40
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(Original post by WhiteBlueBell)
Sounds like he's done you a favour.
Reflect on his controlling behaviour and think twice if he changes his mind and wants you back
He was a good guy honestly and I understand why it’s so hard for him to trust me (although it’s frustrating for me). He deserves better.
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